Question for NTs on eye contact:

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How do you know when to look, how long you should look someone in the eye and when to look away?

The whole thing seems like one hell of a complicated dance that's difficult to grasp on a non instinctual level.

hehe, my thread sparked a thread :D good question though, I'd like to know too...

They don't "know" , their brain is just programmed to do that, the same way eyes are programmed to see.

Yeah, it's got me thinking. It's always been an issue for me, and I feel if I can at least get better at it then people wouldn't think I'm as aggressive (stare) and/or shifty (not look them in the eye) as they think I am.

hmm, you're most likely right. :(

Yes, I know they "know" it on an instinctual level whereas we might have to grasp it on an intellectual level, I was just hoping one might try explaining it so that I (and undoubtedly other people) might have a better understanding on it.

Why " " ?

Your avatar is SO right !

because that means I can't learn it and time myself. It's probably different in different situations. Perhaps I'll develop a more complex formula for such an event. :)

and thanks for the compliment :S

I saw that pic and it's what inspired my original thread :D

A little off topic here: speaking of avatars Rainbow Squirrel, is that Conkers?

I find this one weird too - help! I can do eye-contact, but it does make me uncomfortable (especially with people I don't know well). And I find myself thinking "Am I looking too long? Is that too short? Does he think I'm rude looking away? Do they think I'm distracted or not listening or bored? Is this too much eye contact?" and then I lose the conversation. I'm fine with family and close friends, but it's not natural though I do do it naturally now... it's very intellectualised.

I remember a teacher at school when I was about 7 (long before my AS diagnosis, or anyone knowing anything about it then!) telling me "If you can't look me in the eye, then look right here between my eyebrows, that way it at least looks like you're paying attention!" ...I've been using that trick ever since on and off. I wonder if she knows how big an impact those words had on me, bless her.

someone's having a bad fur day :D

I used to do the eyebrow thing. can't anymore though.

Yes ! !

And you contributed to Conkers being here when you said my previous avatar was bad !

I just find it weird looking anywhere upwards at their face while they're talking. It's just not natural having my eyes there, and I find it very uncomfortable. I listen far better when my eyes can wander and focus elsewhere, usually down and at something inanimate. If I look at their face I end up kinda examining it almost or focussing on little details and then I get distracted from the speech. And I feel like I shouldn't be examining their face either, like it's too private and I'm being invasive, and I need to stop. Far worse so with people who I don't know well.

that's exactly how I feel! :D I prefer to look in another direction entirely!

I did? What was your previous avatar?

(So many avatars to remember and so many people changing them, you can't blame me for not remembering, since I don't have a photographic memory. )

I like the Conkers avatar.