Does anybody find it easier to defend others than yourself?

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northern_light_girl
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06 May 2008, 2:49 pm

Do you find it easier or does it take you a shorter amount of time to stand up for others (who are abused, bullied, mistreated) than it takes to stand up for yourself (if in a bad situation)? If yes why do you think that happens?



Poeticromance
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06 May 2008, 2:58 pm

I find it easier to stand up for others than myself as well.

I see it as, you see more good things about someone else than yourself. You are a biest person to the other unless it is someone you absolutly can't stand. When defending yourself, you have to think "What is there good about me?" it takes much more time to think of that than "What is good about this person?"



autism
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06 May 2008, 3:01 pm

I find it easy to stand up for myself and other people.



Ana54
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06 May 2008, 3:08 pm

I often find it easier to defend others than to defend myself, because I feel like a spoiled brat when I try to defend myself.



Mikomi
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06 May 2008, 4:02 pm

Hell yes.


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gitchel
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06 May 2008, 4:32 pm

Yep. I was unable to defend myself from bullies all my life. Something in my brain would just do the math and decide it made more sense to ride it out and live to hide another day. Of course, I always felt like crap about myself afterwards, no matter how little sense it would have made to strike out against a group of 3 - 5 tough guys with nothing to lose.

Then, one day on the way home after high school, one of the neighborhood bullies came up and asked if I was Mike Gitchel (my younger brother's name). Mike had apparently crossed somebody and was due a session with this thug and his buddies.

I don't know what came over me, but I flashed livid. Perhaps all the mathematicians in my head all looked at each other and said, "I thought YOU were in charge of the 'Injury in Defense of Others' calculations!" I just looked him in the eye (very aggressive act for an Aspie ;-) ) and said "Yeah!" as strongly as I could. He punched me in the face.

Then, though I remember very little, I apparently fought back. Not very well, of course, but with great energy and violence. My fervor seemed to frighten the bully badly, and he changed his mind about fighting. Instead, he grabbed my hair and held my head to the ground with all his weight, calling out for someone to get me off him. I was lashing out at any part of him I could reach, which wasn't much. And my head hurt, which made me even more cross.

Then there was an ugly scene involving my mother, who had seen this all from the kitchen window and came up, in her worn blue robe, with a convenient fence picket in her hand. Was she there to stop the fight? Not exactly. She kept yelling out to the other thugs, "One at a time! One at a time!" and waving the board at them. I guess she didn't want to be seen as interfering in a young man's battles, but wanted it to be “fair.” I suppose I'm grateful for that, but it did occur to me she might have just stayed home.

Still, there were at least three other bullies there, though they really didn't seem eager to touch me. I guess I'm glad her mental mathematicians worked it out that way. Besides, I think she treated me with just a bit more deference after that.

I don’t remember how it ended. I suspect we cut a deal where he let go of my hair and I don’t kill him. I do remember that headache being around for a while. I think I had a black eye, too. I vaguely remember something to do with raw meat.

I have no recollection of my brother getting his thumping later. I think they left him alone. Perhaps they still, to this day, think it was him they accosted that day. That's fine with me.

I also have no recollection of my brother saying "Thank you," though he is also an Autistic and possibly didn't understand what was appropriate. I'm not sure either of us saw it as a gift anyway.

The interesting thing about this whole question is that I realized - while reliving that moment - that I still get flashes of that anger when I see injustices done to others. I've been feeling that way a lot these last several years.

Perhaps that's why I have started to come out of my social comfort zone and take up advocacy. I can think of no other motivation that would make me volunteer for committees or to stand in front of strangers and talk at length.

It's nice to think that thuggery has its other side: that someone's life might improve a tiny bit because of - or in spite of - a bully’s effort to cause pain.


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Last edited by gitchel on 06 May 2008, 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Amcathra
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06 May 2008, 7:07 pm

Absolutely.

For ages I couldn't stand up for myself, but was sensitive to injustice against others and could at least try something. Nowadays, after a lot of work, I find it much easier to hold my ground, but I still find it easier to defend others.



Speckles
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06 May 2008, 7:47 pm

I find it easier to stand up for myself then others. While I know with fair certainty when I am feeling upset and don't want to put up with abuse, I always feel a bit paralysed when I see someone else, asking myself wheither they would resent me stepping in. What if I hurt their pride? What if I make things worse?



Last edited by Speckles on 06 May 2008, 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Lightning88
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06 May 2008, 7:48 pm

No, it's waaaaaay easier for me to defend myself rather than others.



Mw99
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06 May 2008, 7:54 pm

It's easier to defend others than oneself. If you defend yourself your attackers might unfairly and incorrectly assume that you are trying to protect your ego, and continue their attack since they'll be convinced that you are not thinking rationally. If you defend someone else, your defense is more likely to seem fair and selfless, and it will therefore be harder to rebuff.



JakeWilson
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06 May 2008, 8:42 pm

There was one time that some one yelled at me and later with my friends I defended that person instead of myself. Looking back on it I'm not sure that was the right move or not. I have had several situations like this.



Pithlet
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06 May 2008, 10:04 pm

I find it easier to defend others for some reason.



Josie
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06 May 2008, 10:07 pm

I find it easy to defend others too.