Do you think my family has disowned me for being unemployed?



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patrick6
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Sun May 11, 2008 1:28 pm

Do you think my family has disowned me for being unemployed?

I have been unemployed for 3 years now (since leaving school when I was 18). Since then I haven't talked to any of my family members (except for my mother, father, brother and sister). Nobody in my family (including my close family) knows about my aspergers/PDD NOS. I tried getting a "real" job once shortly after leaving school (when I hadn't even heard of aspergers yet) but I knew the job wasn't right for me so I quit. Should I feel guilty about not having a job? Do you think that my family has disowned me since I've been jobless for so long? (they most likely know about me being unemployed by now I assume). Me not having a job really angers me because I'd be 100x more capable of holding jobs than the majority of NT's if I didn't have aspergers. I am a quick learner and you could consider me as being a true master when it comes to certain subjects (computers, literature, music, electronics, film, etc.)

Anyways, do you think my family has disowned me? I'd feel pretty bad if they did because it wouldn't really be fair. If they knew about my aspergers/PDD NOS would they not disown me anymore for being unemployed?



Ticker
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Sun May 11, 2008 2:24 pm

Generally speaking people don't respect other people that don't work. I know it sucks, but that is our society. I would say your family is ashamed because as a man you haven't tried to get a job after high school except for the one you quit. I have friends with sons who wouldn't work and it embarrassed the family. The thing is just because a job isn't "right" for you doesn't mean you should quit. The majority of people hate their jobs yet young people have this idealized concept that if they don't love what they are doing then they should just quit and not work at all. Remember the longer you go without employment as an adult the worse you make it on yourself about ever getting a job. It looks really bad to not have long term work experience to put on applications. Go sign up for a temp work agency like Kelly Services and let them find you a job. Whether you have Aspergers or not is no excuse as far as family is concerned. Don't use Aspergers as an excuse to do nothing in life. If you use it as an excuse then there is nothing in life to look forward to. I mean who wants to sit and rot in your parents home for 80 years?



patrick6
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Sun May 11, 2008 3:23 pm

Ticker wrote:
Don't use Aspergers as an excuse to do nothing in life.


I actually didn't use this as an excuse ever since I only recently found out about my aspergers/PDD NOS. I just figured that I was screwed up and not "built" to be compatible with society. What I was really doing is waiting out suicide. I was waiting till the day that I'd finally be able to go through with it. The only thing though is now I am no longer suicidal. Right now I'm at a point in my life that I could probably get a job but it would maybe be too hard of a transition to make considering that I've been living in complete isolation for the past 3 years.



Brandon-J
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Sun May 11, 2008 5:14 pm

pat666rick wrote:
Ticker wrote:
Don't use Aspergers as an excuse to do nothing in life.


I actually didn't use this as an excuse ever since I only recently found out about my aspergers/PDD NOS. I just figured that I was screwed up and not "built" to be compatible with society. What I was really doing is waiting out suicide. I was waiting till the day that I'd finally be able to go through with it. The only thing though is now I am no longer suicidal. Right now I'm at a point in my life that I could probably get a job but it would maybe be too hard of a transition to make considering that I've been living in complete isolation for the past 3 years.


Me and your situation is similar After high school I've had 2 jobs. 1st one I got fired for something I didn't do and the 2nd job I quit. I've been unemplyed for like 4 months now and I just wana wait it out till i turn 21 to possibly committing suicide. I think about it everyday.



Ticker
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Mon May 12, 2008 12:29 pm

pat666rick wrote:
Ticker wrote:
Don't use Aspergers as an excuse to do nothing in life.


I actually didn't use this as an excuse ever since I only recently found out about my aspergers/PDD NOS. I just figured that I was screwed up and not "built" to be compatible with society. quote]

Actually what you said is you using your problems as an excuse to not try to better yourself.



caramateo
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Mon May 12, 2008 8:31 pm

[/quote] Actually what you said is you using your problems as an excuse to not try to better yourself.[/quote]

Ticker:

He is not saying that he's not gonna work because of his problems. If he's been living in isolation for 3 years ans he is trying to come up, that is commendable.
At least he is trying to better himself by asking us,
we should be here to help, not to criticize or discourage other aspies



bettybarton
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Tue May 13, 2008 9:18 am

in which country do you live? people in the uk are a little more liberal than than US (no offence, american). im not sure how far apart from your parents you live; so they may not even know you are not working, if you're some way off from them.

they probaly ARE worried about you but may find its hard to reach you/ connect with you- people with autism are famously cold and unemotional. they may have taken this for rudeness; i know mine did/do.

parents, especially of people in their teens/early 20s can just get really worn out with coping with them- teenagers area nightmare!! ! i am not diagnosed with AS, but have certainly had all the symptoms all my life. i was a complete pain in the ass when i was in my teens- mt parents are good people,and really love me, but i know they got really frustrated with seeing me being unhappy and drifting baout before i went to uni. your parents are probably really worried baout you, but just assume youre 'going through a phase'; mine thought i was on drugs. well, i was, but only smoking dope,a nd doing e, acid etc.
anyway, i would not advise you to tell them, as you know better than i do what they will think, react.
but do find an inteligent adult to speak to- ask your doc for a counsellor or find a local charity. even someone not trained in aspregers will help you get some perspective.

perhaps you could try goig to uni? if youre in the uk and live apart from your folks, youd qualify for a grant,a nd fee discounts..
young people will be more understanding,and you can be open from the start. it wuold also give you more of a sense of doing something in your life. my attendance at uni was about 60%,and i kept the real meltdowns to the holidays.

im in the same situation- i am very well educated, highly talented, and have been on sick benifits since 2000. i feel completly ashamed and worthless, but i am at least older than you- 35. i am awaiting DX; perhaps after that i can start getting some kind of help, and pulling things together? i have lied to my family and said i have a well paid job, as its easier than having them worry and fuss abuot something they cannot change or help.

so please dont think your faily have disowned you- im sure they juist think youre being a pain, ina normal young person way.
i assumed the same things baout myself- that i was some freak misfit- eg- i had a job ona magazine whree i had to interview people- can you imagine!! !! !! (i quit) i only hear baout a/s a few weeks ago, and i am astonished each week to learn something new baout it, which relates to me- so also give your self some time to settle down your views about this, and how it relates to you. (im trying not to be really OPrah baout things).
PLEASE dont give up- you are clearly inteligent- there are a lot of people with a/s who have families and jobs!! !!
XXXX



bettybarton
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Tue May 13, 2008 9:32 am

and as a post script, the only job i ever stayed in over a couple of months was night journalism work, where i was working alone most of the time. the only othre people i saw were all mad too, so i felt ok. it helped taht i saw less daylight, but i have worked out that the less i interact with with the world as a whole, the more even i am.
even with that job, i would have a severe nervous beak down everyfew months,a nd be off sick, as i could barely stand up, let alone go out. i no longer have that now; but im no longer really interacting....

since AS is a spectrum disorder, some poeple with it will have some symptoms more than others- i dont stim, but i find day to day living really pretty hard- like walking in a hurricane. just- battering. i dont know if i will return to work- i really hope to... maybe i can get some treatment?
but right now living on benifits is all i can manage; i try really hard not to be ashamed, but even people with AS say one shouldnt be 'dependant'- i really have no choice. if i cant cook a meal for a month, or wash up, or speak to anyone, then no, im not going to be able to do any f*****g menial job eithre, let alone anything im more capable of.
noone suggests people with MS/ME etc who cant walk get up off their sorry asses adn go out to work- taht's what hte welfare state is for- to help those in need.
i damn well contributed a lot of taxes when i worked to it, without complaint- and i am thankful it helps me now.....



makuranososhi
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Wed May 14, 2008 7:00 pm

Employment is difficult... my typical course of employment has run around six months; the exceptions being the continuation of my teaching/writing, a two year stint at a very liberal and liberating internet provider, and my current occupation of owning/running an antique store. Even working for myself, I find it challenging due to the social interaction demanded in working directly with customers while keeping employees on task and the store at a high functioning level. When projects are left incomplete, I tend to freak out. In an effort to compromise, I've given up some of my systems for getting things accomplished and now find myself frequently panicked, distressed and disoriented when trying to get started again. My family, with the exception of my mom (and perhaps one sister), have never understood me or made much effort that I could recognize... given their perception of my intellect, the assumption always was that I would be a doctor, lawyer, et al - so my rather nomadic employment would seem to be a disappointment to the rest. I am endlessly frustrated with myself that I find myself unable to work in the manner that those around me would dictate, and which is why I am pursuing the opportunity to return to school and complete a degree in music theory and composition.

It is probably the most problematic aspect of what I experience (not being diagnosed), as it is constant. Relationships have had their traumatic moments, but they don't present the daily agony of being unable to meet the expectations that I continue to demand of myself. These are the times I grow to despise the definitive nuances that draw the line between me and the world which presses inwards. It is damnably frustrating to know one is capable of doing something, or even excelling, but feeling unable to achieve anything due to the dysfunctional relationship I sense with the people and institutions that surround me.


M.


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Wed May 14, 2008 8:47 pm

Brandon-J wrote:
pat666rick wrote:
Ticker wrote:
Don't use Aspergers as an excuse to do nothing in life.


I actually didn't use this as an excuse ever since I only recently found out about my aspergers/PDD NOS. I just figured that I was screwed up and not "built" to be compatible with society. What I was really doing is waiting out suicide. I was waiting till the day that I'd finally be able to go through with it. The only thing though is now I am no longer suicidal. Right now I'm at a point in my life that I could probably get a job but it would maybe be too hard of a transition to make considering that I've been living in complete isolation for the past 3 years.


Me and your situation is similar After high school I've had 2 jobs. 1st one I got fired for something I didn't do and the 2nd job I quit. I've been unemplyed for like 4 months now and I just wana wait it out till i turn 21 to possibly committing suicide. I think about it everyday.
Well death's not the answer, but I get how you feel. Sometimes society undermines us because we don't have stuff that other people do. You just have to keep searching, and make sure you focus on the good parts on yourself.
I don't have any contact with most of my family, because they can't accept that I'll never be normal (that and the fact they all hate my mother because she's not willing to deal with their crap). I have to accept that, and it doesn't define me. It's their loss if they don't get what a wonderful person you are!



pineapple
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Sat May 17, 2008 7:56 pm

I've never heard of someone being disowned for being unemployed. Sure, it's unfortunate to be jobless, but if you're wondering what your family thinks, why not ask them? Trying to read minds doesn't get you anywhere :wink:



tducey
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Sun May 18, 2008 12:06 pm

Recently I have gotten it from my own family. I guess for so many years I had bucked the trend of a person with this disorder and been able to find work. Anyway for the past year I've been unemployed and have found that my family has treated me different. Luckily I start a new permanent job tomorrow so hopefully their attitude towards me will change.



matsuiny2004
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Mon May 19, 2008 2:18 pm

pat666rick wrote:
Do you think my family has disowned me for being unemployed?

I have been unemployed for 3 years now (since leaving school when I was 18). Since then I haven't talked to any of my family members (except for my mother, father, brother and sister). Nobody in my family (including my close family) knows about my aspergers/PDD NOS. I tried getting a "real" job once shortly after leaving school (when I hadn't even heard of aspergers yet) but I knew the job wasn't right for me so I quit. Should I feel guilty about not having a job? Do you think that my family has disowned me since I've been jobless for so long? (they most likely know about me being unemployed by now I assume). Me not having a job really angers me because I'd be 100x more capable of holding jobs than the majority of NT's if I didn't have aspergers. I am a quick learner and you could consider me as being a true master when it comes to certain subjects (computers, literature, music, electronics, film, etc.)

Anyways, do you think my family has disowned me? I'd feel pretty bad if they did because it wouldn't really be fair. If they knew about my aspergers/PDD NOS would they not disown me anymore for being unemployed?


If your family really cared about you they would help you not shun you.



Tim_Tex
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Mon May 19, 2008 2:30 pm

While I feel that people should try to find work if possible, I also feel that their family should try to be as supportive as possible.

I'm a full-time student, and I am trying to find work for the summer (in fact, I may have an interview later this week). I am trying to find work in my field, rather than settle for a job in fast-food or at a chemical plant.


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Mon May 19, 2008 11:49 pm

Ticker wrote:
Generally speaking people don't respect other people that don't work. I know it sucks, but that is our society. I would say your family is ashamed because as a man you haven't tried to get a job after high school except for the one you quit. I have friends with sons who wouldn't work and it embarrassed the family. The thing is just because a job isn't "right" for you doesn't mean you should quit. The majority of people hate their jobs yet young people have this idealized concept that if they don't love what they are doing then they should just quit and not work at all. Remember the longer you go without employment as an adult the worse you make it on yourself about ever getting a job. It looks really bad to not have long term work experience to put on applications. Go sign up for a temp work agency like Kelly Services and let them find you a job. Whether you have Aspergers or not is no excuse as far as family is concerned. Don't use Aspergers as an excuse to do nothing in life. If you use it as an excuse then there is nothing in life to look forward to. I mean who wants to sit and rot in your parents home for 80 years?



But what about people who are trying to find work but no one hires them, or there isn't any jobs around so the person is left unemployed?

That happened to me when I got out of high school. I lived in Montana for eight years and there wasn't enough work in my area. It took me a while to find a job when I was nineteen. I'd apply at places but none would hire me. Then finally someone decided to try me so she hired me. This was in June of 2005.
My brother decided to not come home this summer because he got two summer jobs in his college town because where his home town is, there isn't much jobs.



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