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Callista
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30 May 2008, 12:14 pm

Well, you can't be responsible for the conflict. What you're responsible for is your own action, and that's all you can change. You obviously can't do anything about what the other person does. So the therapist focuses on your action because it doesn't make sense to try to change somebody else's.

You just have to remember that being mistreated doesn't have anything to do with you; it's the choice of the person doing the abusing. You can make it more or less likely that they will mistreat you; but some people will do it no matter what, and others never will. People aren't predictable, not like computers are; they don't run on clear logic and you can't control them.

It isn't always logical to respond to an insult with another insult; you're always going to be playing the people-probability-odds and you have to count into it that your actions have an effect not just on them but on you... The energy you expend; the way you begin to think about yourself... Aggressive action is very stressful. Better to calculate what's most likely to happen; and if the loss is more than the gain, there's no point in doing things that are likely to escalate an argument.


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Greentea
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30 May 2008, 12:18 pm

Making YOU responsible for what happened to you is as old as human society, if not longer.

First, it solves the problem quickly; they don't need to support you, give you advice, God forbid help you. All you need to do is not run away next time and everything will be fine in your life. Presto! Now we go to the beach.

Secondly, they can be (falsely, of course) delluded that what happened to you will never happen to them, because THEY wouldn't run away from John.

Thirdly, they make sure you never come to them again with your problems - because you'll be blamed for them anyway.

Fourthly, most people find that by making themselves responsible for what happens to them, they feel better - because they feel in control of what will happen and not happen to them in life. So they're like telling you that you have the power to give the story a good ending for you.

And lastly, NTs love feeling that issues have simple solutions that don't require them to actually ANALYSE/THINK.


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Greentea
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30 May 2008, 12:33 pm

Callisto, what the person who starts the story at a later point is doing is: make you appear like you tend to act in a vaccum regardless of circumstances and only moved by your inner demons, rather than in interaction with what has been done to you. One thing is to yell at someone because you are an aggressive person and feel like yelling at someone, another is to yell at someone because he's trying to rape you.


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Callista
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30 May 2008, 12:38 pm

Those are two different actions though. An action necessarily includes your reasoning for doing what you're doing.


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Greentea
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30 May 2008, 12:49 pm

The action is the same - what is different is the context. And that's what gets cut when they start the story at YOUR act.


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