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alcockell
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07 May 2014, 4:38 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
n4mwd wrote:
Radiofixr wrote:
I am over 40 and a virgin-never had relations and being gay made it doubly difficult-....


Over 25 guys should keep their virginity private. Just let the other person assume you're not.

But the gay comment has me confused. I'm asexual, but if I was gay, I would be doing well. When I was in college I was approached several times by guys that identified themselves as being gay and said that they were attracted to me. Unlike girls, they used English and not secret body language to tell me they were interested. But even now, my facebook friends are about half gay guys and the other half straight female.

Although I can't speak for all gay guys, the ones I have met didn't have any problem approaching me and openly communicating their thoughts. Of course, some asked me not to tell anyone that they were gay and I honored that request. That's why I've said several times here that I wished I was gay.

Well when I was a young teenager coming to terms with sexuality in the early 80's it was something you didnt dare speak about while my peers were pairing up with girls and not knowing at the time about my AS-and not being able to make a connection or friends very easily and I did not have a college experience as you had and I never had gay guys coming up to me trying to get to know me using any kind of language-including english-I chat with a friend from San Diego that says "theres a lid for every pot" and "its whats on the inside that counts"-well there doesnt seem to be a lid for my pot and when a guy wants to get to know you-he doesnt see whats on the inside first-he sees what you look like on the outside-you may have the most wonderful personality but if you arent the type of person the other guy is looking for-you never get approached and being an aspie-I certainly wont be approaching them--and the cycle contines until you just give up and say to yourself why even try-I seem to be getting nowhere and I just cant justify paying for sex just to get it over with-I need more of a possible connection and not just a physical act.,and since no one seems to be interested-thats another dead end. Its kind of like a boss I had-he would tell me-"you cant get another job,I am the only one that can put up with you,you cant go anywhere else no one would hire you" constant put downs-well if you hear it all the time,you start to believe it,and the cycle of isolation continues-you belive what they say and just never try.Remember everybodies life experience is different-even though my aspie mind thinks that everyone thinks like I do-some people are in places and have opportunities some people in other areas don't have-you were lucky to have guys approaching you-I was not.

PS I am a ham also.


My cohort.

AS wasn't widely known about until Lorna Wing translated Hans Asperger's papers in 1985... so the info just wasn't there. KANNER autism wasn't known about in the general public until Rain Man was released in '88...



Summer_Twilight
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08 May 2014, 7:56 am

autisticstar wrote:
Should I be concerned if a man is over 40 years old and has never had a sexual encounter? I have met and dated some men who are over 40 who said that they have never had sex before. Some of them I suspect are on the autism spectrum. They were socially awkward but not at all bad looking. I sure hope this doesn't mean that they are gay. Is this common for men on the autism spectrum? I don't mean low functioning; I am referring to men with Asperger's Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.


Pardon me but that is a really stupid thing to say. Gay or not these 40+ virgins probably are the ones with common sense. Maybe it also means that they are asexual in meaning that they don't have any desire to go all the way.



alcockell
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20 Sep 2014, 6:42 pm

Also consider that the support systems that are in place now weren't there when people like me went through horrendous relentless bullying, derailing us.

I spent the 90s contributing to the research effort by putting my head in MRI and FPET scanners, doing all those expression tests they were beta-testing etc... all the diagnostic and training stuff around now - I was one fo the first diagnosed as AS in the world.. by Michael Rutter's team. So the key names from the era diagnosed me.

I was diagnosed at 16 - in 1987.



mattschwartz01
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22 Sep 2014, 2:47 pm

I think each and every person has their own time table and we should not judge people by when they've had their first full on sexual experience. I am high functioning and had mine at 36 years old. It doesn't mean that I am deficient or broken. I take personal issue with The 40 Year Old Virgin. It does nothing but reinforce an artificial expectation of society.

Some men are extremely sensitive and want their potential partner to be really accepting of them before they will feel comfortable engaging in sex. I had no problem with oral but I always felt awkward for that I wouldn't do everything right. I had some psychological hangups. Even after my first experience, I didn't particularly enjoy it. I still don't see what sex is cracked up to be. I get far more pleasure from getting and giving oral or hand jobs. Yes, I actually like going down on a girl. I like getting her off and feeling her respond to my hand.

I'm clumsy and awkward when it comes to sex. It's going to take a very special woman to put up with me and right now I'm content to be single and enjoy my working life for the first time ever. I've found my new career as a truck driver to be incredibly satisfying. So much so, that for the time being, I've lost the desire for intimacy. I've never been very good at juggling personal and professional lives. Usually when one is doing well, the other suffers. Right now though, personally and professionally I'm content.



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22 Sep 2014, 4:57 pm

mattschwartz01 wrote:
I think each and every person has their own time table and we should not judge people by when they've had their first full on sexual experience. I am high functioning and had mine at 36 years old. It doesn't mean that I am deficient or broken. I take personal issue with The 40 Year Old Virgin. It does nothing but reinforce an artificial expectation of society.

Some men are extremely sensitive and want their potential partner to be really accepting of them before they will feel comfortable engaging in sex. I had no problem with oral but I always felt awkward for that I wouldn't do everything right. I had some psychological hangups. Even after my first experience, I didn't particularly enjoy it. I still don't see what sex is cracked up to be. I get far more pleasure from getting and giving oral or hand jobs. Yes, I actually like going down on a girl. I like getting her off and feeling her respond to my hand.

I'm clumsy and awkward when it comes to sex. It's going to take a very special woman to put up with me and right now I'm content to be single and enjoy my working life for the first time ever. I've found my new career as a truck driver to be incredibly satisfying. So much so, that for the time being, I've lost the desire for intimacy. I've never been very good at juggling personal and professional lives. Usually when one is doing well, the other suffers. Right now though, personally and professionally I'm content.


Glad to to you have found a nice autistic career for yourself.

I don't expect society to change. I expected older virgins will always be pitied or derided patronized as much as any group of people. Yes folks I know going to a "sex worker" is an option. You re far from the first person to think you are introducing me to this idea.

As far as that movie is concerned outside of the breasts is like sand remark I was pleasantly surprised and thought it was moderately funny. Instead of making the Carroll character an object of derision they made him as a mellow nice guy.


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14 Oct 2014, 2:04 pm

ASPartOfMe wrote:
I don't expect society to change. I expected older virgins will always be pitied or derided patronized as much as any group of people. Yes folks I know going to a "sex worker" is an option. You re far from the first person to think you are introducing me to this idea.

Maybe its just me but how could virgins be derided by society? Literally nobody would have guessed I was a 29 year old virgin and my (crazy, hypersexual) ex even told me it took her a long time to believe I was telling the truth. There's no tattoo or mark that says "VIRGIN" on any man, Aspie or not. I did not tell her until a few minutes before the final act and she sounded quite surprised to say the least because I was quite skilled apparently. I guess not watching porn and being hopelessly naive is not always a bad thing. I still have only slept with 2 girls and didn't with the girl I went out with for three months. Looking back, that's probably not a bad thing since I might be able to salvage a good friendship and I fail to see how that is a bad thing. I want my third to be my last!



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14 Oct 2014, 8:36 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
ASPartOfMe wrote:
I don't expect society to change. I expected older virgins will always be pitied or derided patronized as much as any group of people. Yes folks I know going to a "sex worker" is an option. You re far from the first person to think you are introducing me to this idea.

Maybe its just me but how could virgins be derided by society? Literally nobody would have guessed I was a 29 year old virgin and my (crazy, hypersexual) ex even told me it took her a long time to believe I was telling the truth. There's no tattoo or mark that says "VIRGIN" on any man, Aspie or not. I did not tell her until a few minutes before the final act and she sounded quite surprised to say the least because I was quite skilled apparently. I guess not watching porn and being hopelessly naive is not always a bad thing. I still have only slept with 2 girls and didn't with the girl I went out with for three months. Looking back, that's probably not a bad thing since I might be able to salvage a good friendship and I fail to see how that is a bad thing. I want my third to be my last!


Is this an AS thing? because I think the same way about sex and relationships, and I have only seen other people express these opinions on wrong planet. Sex is not something that is bad. It is very enjoyable, but it has never been something that motivates me to move the heavens and earth to obtain. I am very indifferent to it and always will be. The only time I want sex is when I meet someone (male or female who I fall in love with). Then I want to express those feelings with sex. Other than that, I could care less about sex.



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15 Oct 2014, 12:51 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
ASPartOfMe wrote:
I don't expect society to change. I expected older virgins will always be pitied or derided patronized as much as any group of people. Yes folks I know going to a "sex worker" is an option. You re far from the first person to think you are introducing me to this idea.

Maybe its just me but how could virgins be derided by society? Literally nobody would have guessed I was a 29 year old virgin and my (crazy, hypersexual) ex even told me it took her a long time to believe I was telling the truth. There's no tattoo or mark that says "VIRGIN" on any man, Aspie or not. I did not tell her until a few minutes before the final act and she sounded quite surprised to say the least because I was quite skilled apparently. I guess not watching porn and being hopelessly naive is not always a bad thing. I still have only slept with 2 girls and didn't with the girl I went out with for three months. Looking back, that's probably not a bad thing since I might be able to salvage a good friendship and I fail to see how that is a bad thing. I want my third to be my last!


I have observed several occasions where people posted their lack of sexual experience online and get attacked mercilessly to the point they had to close their accounts. These are guys whose blogs I read because who have a special interest on a topics I am interested in. Then one day they write of their inexperience matter of factlly

On here I have I do not remember a mature virgin thread where the see a prostitute "advice" has not been given. I have seen several threads on Aspie forums where virgins were told something is wrong with them because they are virgins at 20.

Guys discuss sex all the time especially younger guys. . Since we are a sex saturated society a lot virgins have enough information to pass as experienced but not everybody.


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07 Aug 2016, 8:26 am

I am an autistic woman and far from asexual. Sex, it seems to me, is, along with music, the greatest thing about being alive - not that I get much chance to be with anyone, because of all the social problems and emotional overload stuff.

The idea that someone would be derided for being a virgin appals me What the hell does it matter? If you care about someone, you'd want to be with him, regardless of how many or how few partners he'd had. It's as bizarre to me as caring about the colour of someone's hair.

Someone said something above about women being "shallow" or whatever. The thing is, I think some inexperienced men get into a sort of mindset that no woman will ever want them. They are oblivious to the signals women give out. Also, right or wrong, there are social roles in place for heterosexuals: a behaviour which is expected and whose absence is read as absence of interest. Classically, a woman will "signal" that the man may approach. If he doesn't, she assumes she's mistaken - he's not interested. And she feels mortified at her error.

Yes, some women can be cold, rejecting or patronising, but believe me, so can some men. "Women only want men who are... " Yes, well, I could say, "Men only want women who are... "

The other side of this "can't get a girlfriend" coin is pages of women talking about how the shy man they have a crush on seems indifferent to them and keeps backing away.

Anyway, I wouldn't care if it was a man's first time when he was with me. All I'd care about is that he was in general kind and loyal to me. What else matters?



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07 Aug 2016, 9:51 am

It probably is more of a hetro guy thing. The former "old maid" stereotype has died out with the widespread acceptence of the career women but the old "frigid" women or female who will not "put out" is a politically incorrect thing to say but it is still said in private. Inexperienced guys were when I grew up and are still are considered lower then liars, cheats and most types of criminals by most other hetro guys. Back then they called
people they suspected were virgins homophobic slurs now that that is a incorrect thing to say in public they are called losers or autistic. Yes autistic, the perception of sexual inexperience is part of the reason autistic has become a semi acceptable slur.

Just try IRL or online saying you are a guy virgin over the age of 20 and see what happens. You will be like I wrote two years ago mercilessly attacked or given, patronizing, condescending "advice".

Of course Autistic virgins are often not going to pick up signals from somebody else that they have the hots for them especially subtle signals. That is still is a common part of the condition.


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“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman