Is Being Nice a Sign of Weakness?



Page 1 of 2 [ 30 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

MissConstrue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Feb 04, 2008
Posts: 19686
Location: Missouri

06 Aug 2008, 3:50 pm

Sometimes I get confused about boundaries because I try not to follow a crowd when it comes bullying and try to help wherever it's wanted. On the other hand, I've had people call me rude because my anger usually escalates to sudden outbursts and hospitalizations. I'm getting less bad with these but it still plagues me to a point where I can't trust anyone.

It seems in jobs and school I had people call me nice or pleasant to be with yet these would usually be the same people who'd take advantage of me when it came to work. I always did try to stand up for myself by saying no when I felt like I was being used. This has happened to me everywhere and even in some relationships. Problem is, I think I have trouble confronting and when I got angry in the past, it usually escalated to destroying things and self harm. I think AS has something to do with it but I get so sick of trying to help people that just take it for granted. I know not everyone is like this but sometimes I feel like my helpful intentions are a sign of weakness.

Granted I'm not perfect either so I'm no saint. Does this happen to anyone else?


_________________
Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.
-Thomas Paine


Social_Fantom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Feb 22, 2008
Posts: 13534

06 Aug 2008, 4:15 pm

It may seem like it with people taking advantage of a person with nice characteristics but in truth, so few people are willing to offer someone a helping hand. Therefore I actually think it's a sign of strength to be nice and not to follow the crowd.

It has a price sometimes though. I have stood up for others that were being bullied. Sometimes it didn't turn out too badly but I have received a fist before. I used to have anger problems as well. Now whenever I get angry I scream and swear until I get it out of my system.

Anyway, being nice is by no means weakness. Don't be afraid to offer a helping hand. But at the same time, don't let anyone try to take advantage of you if you feel like they may be trying to either. Let them say whatever they want.


_________________
So simple, it's complicated


Last edited by Social_Fantom on 06 Aug 2008, 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: May 06, 2008
Posts: 23249
Location: Stendec

06 Aug 2008, 4:26 pm

MissConstrue wrote:
... sometimes I feel like my helpful intentions are a sign of weakness. Does this happen to anyone else?

Too often.

Niceness (passiveness) is perceived as weakness, while assertivenes is perceived as strength. I had to learn to say 'No' to helping others unless they were so badly mired in their troubles that non-involvement was unthinkable. Most folks can get by without my help, and I no longer feel guilty if I ignore their requests.

Also, while it may be good for your public image that people can rely on you when they need you, it is also bad for your public image to allow people to take advantage of your goodwill whenever they want.

I had to detrmine the boundary where my 'self' ended and their 'selves' began; learn to recognize the difference between other people's needs and their wants; determine how much of my time, efforts, and material resources I could afford to give away to fill other people's needs; and then to say 'No' when their needs exceed my ability to fill them.

I am not responsible for the needs of others, unless I choose to be so. And that choice nowadays is based more on reason and logic than in emotion and impulse.


_________________
Only appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health
professionals can make a valid diagnosis of an ASD.
Online tests can not provide an objective ASD diagnosis.


Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 42389
Location: Houston, Texas

06 Aug 2008, 4:32 pm

I always make sure to be nice all the time, but I haven't made many friends.


_________________
I DO want to be an awesomely sexy lady!


donkey
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: May 21, 2006
Posts: 1515
Location: ireland

06 Aug 2008, 5:37 pm

there is a truth, nice people do finish last, but they do get what they deserve.
a lot of As frustration does stem from not being assertive enough or too assertive/ angry and aggressive...there is as always a difficulty modulating and finding the right balance with many AS expressed emotions.
this is part of our problems.



MissConstrue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Feb 04, 2008
Posts: 19686
Location: Missouri

06 Aug 2008, 7:15 pm

Sounds like the Darwin theory. Only the strong and the weak in the animal kingdom become the Beta in the pack ready to die or go last. But I've often questioned what the strength of charactor looks like when it comes to balance.


_________________
Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.
-Thomas Paine


Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 42389
Location: Houston, Texas

06 Aug 2008, 7:17 pm

I am the one who initiates, but the people I try to befriend retreat after a couple of days.


_________________
I DO want to be an awesomely sexy lady!


MissConstrue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Feb 04, 2008
Posts: 19686
Location: Missouri

06 Aug 2008, 7:57 pm

^I'm the opposite. I have trouble initiating but once a person gets me going on a subject or something I'm fond of, I end up annoying them without trying.

I guess I compensate for the lack of socialization for one who would have normally....:(


_________________
Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man.
-Thomas Paine


Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Jul 02, 2004
Posts: 42389
Location: Houston, Texas

06 Aug 2008, 9:06 pm

It's like people want friends so badly, yet when somebody shows an interest in being their friend, they run and hide.

It's like somebody being depressed because they won the lottery.


_________________
I DO want to be an awesomely sexy lady!


Aalto
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: May 03, 2008
Posts: 587
Location: W. Yorks, UK

06 Aug 2008, 9:17 pm

Maybe it's too overbearing. For example, I'm sure there have been many moments in films and shows in which the character the viewer takes the side of meets someone who is nice but nothing else, aims constantly to please and never says anything lower, not even in jest. And people like this are derided or at least stigmatised for it. But with me at least, I can see why, with sympathies to these overly-nice characters.

I'll have to think of why it's uncomfortable (even for me; kind offerings constantly from one person tend to disconcert me (it may also be noted that this feeling has been given to me by psychiatrists as a kid)), but for now, that may be how some of us come off and it doesn't particularly warm others. It could be partly from, when one is being kind, saying something negative leaves a far bigger blow than someone primarily negative, and compliments, et cetera, tend to be unremarkable to receive. It may also be (I'm stumbling in unfounded territory here but hear my hypotheses out) that constant niceness is such a detachment from real-life, in which we ride a rollercoaster of ups and downs. It could be harder to relate to someone deliberately reaching out and being kindly as much as they possibly can, as there isn't enough common ground with life as it is. Maybe one needs to focus not on being kind all the time, but being a listener: getting the other side in their comfort zone and allowing them to be willing to talk extensively on their side, remaining open-ended-ness and so on.

Just a few on-the-surface observations.



06 Aug 2008, 10:38 pm

People have gotten mad at me for answering their questions they asked me.
People have gotten mad at me when I try to help them.


Being too nice can be a weakness because then it makes it hard for you to confront people, be informal, be firm, etc.

I have had to learn to be less nicer.


If you're too nice, people can take advantage of you because of it.



Social_Fantom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Feb 22, 2008
Posts: 13534

06 Aug 2008, 11:53 pm

I guess being considerate or respectful would be best. It's not necessarily something that most people would take advantage of.

Yeah, I've tried to be nice in the past and people tried to take advantage of me for it. They would come up with a sob story to lure me in and if it was family, I fell for it. :x


_________________
So simple, it's complicated


Josie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 645

07 Aug 2008, 2:11 am

I heve learned to be less nicer. I just stopped caring about some things. I dont like beign controlled or taken advantage of.



Dantac
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: Jan 21, 2008
Posts: 3671
Location: Florida

07 Aug 2008, 1:16 pm

being nice is an invitation to be taken advantage of it seems.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: May 06, 2008
Posts: 23249
Location: Stendec

07 Aug 2008, 1:20 pm

Dantac wrote:
being nice is an invitation to be taken advantage of it seems.

Niceness is an invitation to be taken advantage of by jerks, bullies, psychopaths, sociopaths, and people who lack ethical and moral maturity (of all religious and political perspectives).


_________________
Only appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health
professionals can make a valid diagnosis of an ASD.
Online tests can not provide an objective ASD diagnosis.


Display posts from previous:  Sort by  


Page 1 of 2 [ 30 posts ] Go to page 1, 2  Next



 Similar Topics 
Misogyny/MRA is a sign of weakness

[ Go to page: 1 ... 32, 33, 34 ]

in Politics, Philosophy, and Religion

26 Jun 2013, 5:08 pm

Keni View the latest post

Employer asks me to sign things that I shouldn't sign.

[ Go to page: 1, 2 ]

in Work and finding a Job

21 Nov 2013, 5:05 pm

AardvarkGoodSwimmer View the latest post

Weakness into strength

in Parents' Discussion

04 Jun 2012, 5:24 pm

ASDMommyASDKid View the latest post

Rationality as a weakness?

[ Go to page: 1, 2 ]

in General Autism Discussion

16 May 2013, 7:58 pm

Scia View the latest post



You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum
Jump to: