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Vashna
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21 Aug 2008, 2:30 am

I was speaking about this to a friend of mine who suggested that I post the story here with the hope that I could find understanding where it has been offered to me so many times before. I know this question must be timeless. I know this question has probably been asked countless times, and countless times here. But I have to ask it.

There is this girl named Amy down at the grocery store that I am rather attracted to. However, as it seems to always be with me, she simply ignores me. How can I strike up a conversation with her? Even if I were to do so, I would probably bumble over my words anyways and would not have a clear-cut idea of what to say.

Should I risk it and start out right away speaking to her and trying to get her to notice me? I know a few things about her that could be basis for a conversation (I.E. a few bands that she listens to) but I would not know how to strike it up.

Or should I try for a vastly more subtle approach?

My current idea is to accept the fact that she must simply be vastly above me and leave the whole idea be.

Please do not believe me some sort of person who does not respect people. I fear that I am giving this away when I do not mean to be.

Thank you very much.



tomamil
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21 Aug 2008, 3:50 am

Vashna wrote:
How can I strike up a conversation with her? Even if I were to do so, I would probably bumble over my words anyways and would not have a clear-cut idea of what to say.

i have no idea how to start a conversation with a girl who ignores me. and even if i did, i would most likely 'bumble over my words' and she would just laugh me out.

when i ask about this, people tell me to go there and tell her, 'hi, my name is Milan' and then let if flow. but then she says, 'hi, i am Daisy'. and then what? i don't listen to any music, i know nothing of any bands.

but you do, it seems like discussion about music is pretty common. so you could ask her, what kind of music she listens to and then talking about it a little. i guess, more important for you would be to end the conversation in the right moment, when you find yourself not having anything else to say. rather than forcing it to continue you could tell her something how pleasant it was to converse with her, see you around and then go away, leave it for the next time.



Betterclassed
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21 Aug 2008, 4:27 am

Jokes are important, being able to make her feel comfortable about you is very important but if she is "ignoring you" then I don't think it's worth getting hurt over. At best, say Hi and with a smile. Then make some observations about her for instance what she currently doing. From there the jokes come in. Base them on observations and information you're getting out of her. Be clear and confident. Don't hesistate. Bumbling over words is a major turn off and makes you sound like 13 year old school boy who has just realised that girls don't have "kooties or whatever silly stuff is called". I recommend talking with your friends like this, and I mean the confidence part. Also try talking to girls you're not necessarily attracted too and see what happens. No that isn't monstrous, you aren't asking them out and you may be able to get a new friend in process. By the way how do you mean by ignored. Do you mean she isn't interested obvious sort of thing and continues to ignore any attempt to make contact with her or is she just not noticing you.?

Anyway, I would like to direct you to one of the stickies above. DataSage’s Alpha Male Guide to Meeting Women http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt20753.html It should be far more detailed in getting the first date. Yes some people find this shallow but this crap on "it will just happen" is a sad and hopeless tale for most. Some have scored but meh not many. Most of all, try not to walk funny, hover around the place like a vulture or say jokes twice or three thousand times. Please don't do what my AS friend does. He did nothing to prepare himself and got turned down. Also don't obsessively talk about your "special interest", mention a little bit but if she shows no interest after a little while, stop and change the subject. I know, it's your most favorite thing in the world but not everyone shares that feeling. Also don't think for a second that because she doesn't share your interest doesn't mean she isn't worth dating. You would be surprised at what may happen if you listen to "her side of the story" which I mean is what she is into and etc. A part from this, I don't know what else could help you. I've already mentioned to try avoid making weird movements. Not to say that all movements are weird just stay away from doing something like "kissing your wrist" and I don't mean her's. It's just example, and just makes the point not to do anything that an NT wouldn't normally do.

Another thing I just thought of. You may what is called "dry humor" it is a type of humor that is like telling like it is but in a very funny sort of way. This can be really good but be careful, tread lightly, you may not step on the right stone if your not careful. Hmmmm, don't "waddle" walk to her. Anyway I hope that helps. Best of luck. Oh and don't take things too seriously :lol:



tomamil
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21 Aug 2008, 4:35 am

and first of all, when she refuses you, it's not the end of the world; the more times you do this (with different girls), the better you become in approaching them. our problem is that we care too much and eventually give up too soon. we need to be more careless.



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21 Aug 2008, 4:39 am

tomamil wrote:
and first of all, when she refuses you, it's not the end of the world; the more times you do this (with different girls), the better you become in approaching them. our problem is that we care too much and eventually give up too soon. we need to be more careless.


"When", that doesn't sound very optimistic. However you have point, learning from your mistakes is very good. This is why you "test" yourself first, for all you know that "test" might become very real.



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21 Aug 2008, 1:56 pm

tomamil wrote:
our problem is that we care too much and eventually give up too soon. we need to be more careless.


And end up dating someone that is completely incompatible with you? Thanks, but I'd rather not get tied up to a woman I wasn't compatible with...



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21 Aug 2008, 3:52 pm

Betterclassed wrote:
Jokes are important...


"Some Jokes aren't funny."

Sorry. The combination of the first sentence and your avvie was irrisistable.

I'm trying to think of how I would like a guy I don't know to approach me. Ummm, personally, I would get a little weirded out if someone gave me too many compliments at first, especially on my appearance. No innuendo's either. I would suggest just starting with, "Hi, how are you?" next time you see her and see how that goes. Sorta script out a very basic mundane conversation (don't talk about the weather) and plan/pretend you have somewhere to be so that if it ends up not working out or you run out of things to say you have an easy "out."

Best of luck.


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Betterclassed
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21 Aug 2008, 5:43 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
tomamil wrote:
our problem is that we care too much and eventually give up too soon. we need to be more careless.


And end up dating someone that is completely incompatible with you? Thanks, but I'd rather not get tied up to a woman I wasn't compatible with...


I don't see how that would happen at all.

Quote:
"Some Jokes aren't funny."
Sorry. The combination of the first sentence and your avvie was irrisistable.


lol, thats understandable.



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21 Aug 2008, 9:43 pm

Well, as a girl, here are a few thoughts.

Don't convince yourself that she is 'vastly above' you. Girls pick up on that sort of thing. Would you want to go out with someone who approaches you sort of groveling? Who feels like they're not all that? So find a way to think you are equals.

Maybe approach her merely with the idea of chatting for a minute or two. Doesn't sound like long but it's long enough for a first chat. If you are thinking about bands or common topics like that, you will feel more her equal. You like the bands equally, you're both human beings, find things where you feel more her equal.

Don't approach a woman if you are thinking/feeling "oh this b***h is gonna reject me like all the rest, it's so unfair" etc. I do not get the bitter feeling from your post at all. But sometimes I think guys do get bitter after being rejected and they carry that into the next encounter/conversation/approach with a new person.

Women can smell 'bitter' and 'needy' miles away so don't be either when you approach a woman...that goes for all the guys who might read this. If a guy feels either of those things, get around that in your head somehow before you try to chat up a woman. Neither thing is very attractive, not only to women but to anyone.

I'm not saying you are either of those things. But those are my thoughts on the topic.



Vashna
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22 Aug 2008, 7:45 pm

First of all, I want to thank everyone for responding to me. I find that Wrong Planet’s gang here is always helpful.

Regarding dry humor, yes, I have actually always been told that I have a particularly dry sense of humor. You are right, though, it was helpful today. Usually I am simply told my jokes are too ‘eggheaded,’ but today, I found someone who shares the sense of humor.

Thank you for linking me to that guide – I took something very important away from it. That was that the longer one waits to speak to someone, the more difficult it was. So today I took a walk straight down to the grocery store as I was sure she was probably getting off shift (Bah, I don’t mean to sound like some kind of stalker – I just took a guess. I don’t mean to say I knew what time she was – I just know when the store opens and goes shut :P) and had a chat with her.

I kept things humorous as was suggested, though I did not quite use those jokes that were in the guide. As it turns out, though, she found mine very funny and I was able to speak without bumbling since I was able to build some confidence by bracing myself and accepting the fact that if I was rejected, it wasn’t the end of the world.

Most importantly though I got over a big fear I had. I always felt that by simply saying hello, I was somehow being a misogynist. I am trying to understand that I really can be nice and no one would care. (I end up thinking people, even NTs, would interpret things the way that I do.)

However, by saying all of this, I genuinely hope that I am neither arrogant nor aloof in any fashion.

Thank you all again.



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23 Aug 2008, 1:22 am

Vashna wrote:
First of all, I want to thank everyone for responding to me. I find that Wrong Planet’s gang here is always helpful.

Regarding dry humor, yes, I have actually always been told that I have a particularly dry sense of humor. You are right, though, it was helpful today. Usually I am simply told my jokes are too ‘eggheaded,’ but today, I found someone who shares the sense of humor.

Thank you for linking me to that guide – I took something very important away from it. That was that the longer one waits to speak to someone, the more difficult it was. So today I took a walk straight down to the grocery store as I was sure she was probably getting off shift (Bah, I don’t mean to sound like some kind of stalker – I just took a guess. I don’t mean to say I knew what time she was – I just know when the store opens and goes shut :P) and had a chat with her.

I kept things humorous as was suggested, though I did not quite use those jokes that were in the guide. As it turns out, though, she found mine very funny and I was able to speak without bumbling since I was able to build some confidence by bracing myself and accepting the fact that if I was rejected, it wasn’t the end of the world.

Most importantly though I got over a big fear I had. I always felt that by simply saying hello, I was somehow being a misogynist. I am trying to understand that I really can be nice and no one would care. (I end up thinking people, even NTs, would interpret things the way that I do.)

However, by saying all of this, I genuinely hope that I am neither arrogant nor aloof in any fashion.

Thank you all again.


Excellent. Goodluck. :D



Vashna
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04 Sep 2008, 12:23 pm

I would genuinely like to thank you all again. After about two weeks, I'm head over heels for her and we are in a mutual relationship now. She's incredibly kind, funny, and intelligent. I could not have done it without you guys at all, thank you again. Actually, not being an NT helped for once, by the way. I explained my NVLD to her quite honestly after we got to know one another, and she describes it as a way to know that I am sincere and honest and therefore she states she needn't have any worry for me in that department, so to speak.

Thanks again!



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04 Sep 2008, 12:40 pm

Jokes are important, as is being yourself. Don't put on a false front, or the girl won't be interested in you. Try to find levels of interests that you two share and work on starting a conversation.

Now I will tell you how to see whether she is interested in you or not, and if she is up for the idea of possible dating.

All you do is have a good conversation with her, chatting about various interests you share, and when you guys are done talking, you say "You're a fun person to talk with. Hey, would you like to go get a bite to eat sometime, you know, just to hang out?" If she says "Yes, that sounds cool", then you ask "When would you be available", and if she sets a date, then you guys can chat some more when you meet at that location. If she doesn't know when she can hang out, hand her your phone number and say "Here is my phone number if you want to hang out sometime. Do you mind if I have yours?" and get her phone number.

The idea is not to ask out the girl, which puts a ton of pressure on her to say "yes" or "no". The secret is to act like you're trying to start a friendship and slowly work it into something romantic. That way, you're not scaring her off and she plays along with you.



Vashna
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04 Sep 2008, 1:10 pm

Eep, I am sorry to have mislead. It would seem it is too late for that kind of subtlety. As it had turned out, she was not so subtle. It has been almost surreal, but she has taken a bit of the entire thing into her own hands and been clear and honest - she quickly brought something romantic to the table and in fact...sort of has said that formal dating seems silly to her. She has the idea (And I find it wonderful) that there is far more good in just spending time together than finding some place to go.

Am I doing something wrong, however? Please let me know :)

Do I seem like a bad person for any of this?



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04 Sep 2008, 5:43 pm

Vashna wrote:
she quickly brought something romantic to the table and in fact...sort of has said that formal dating seems silly to her. She has the idea (And I find it wonderful) that there is far more good in just spending time together than finding some place to go.

Sounds quite reasonable to me-and if that arrangement suits both your (you & her) personalities, that's what matters. I loathe formal dates, and am much happier hanging out at home (especially when I have a honey muffin who would like to hang out there with me !).

Going out to "social places" (and spending too much money for consumables, surrounded by swarms of strangers) is for those who either temperamentally, inherently, enjoy such activities/environments
-or for those still at the "in search of" phase of "pre-relationship".
Vashna wrote:
Am I doing something wrong, however? Please let me know :)

Not so far as I can determine.
Vashna wrote:
Do I seem like a bad person for any of this?

Nope.


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04 Sep 2008, 10:37 pm

Vashna wrote:
Eep, I am sorry to have mislead. It would seem it is too late for that kind of subtlety. As it had turned out, she was not so subtle. It has been almost surreal, but she has taken a bit of the entire thing into her own hands and been clear and honest - she quickly brought something romantic to the table and in fact...sort of has said that formal dating seems silly to her. She has the idea (And I find it wonderful) that there is far more good in just spending time together than finding some place to go.

Am I doing something wrong, however? Please let me know :)

Do I seem like a bad person for any of this?


Congrats, Vash!! *hug* Sounds like you're doing everything right - you've seemed happy when we've talked!


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