wondering if my boyfriend could have asperger's

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ceecee
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11 Oct 2008, 8:53 pm

Hi there. I am new here so please bear with me if I say something inadvertently ignorant...
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and love him very much.
Recently I mentioned to a friend of mine about my boyfriends habit of counting things (such as lines across a ceiling) or arranging objects. If he perceives objects to be arranged in an unbalanced way or in uneven groups he feels very uncomfortable. He also see pictures in patterns - such as wood grain. My friend mentioned Asperger's so I started looking online and noticed a few things that could relate to my boyfriend.
He has told me that as a child he had no friends, and had no interest in playing with other children, instead preferring to read at his desk in the classroom. His teachers and parents were worried about him and would try and make him play outside, but he would hide somewhere and read. He has always carried a book with him since childhood.
People see him as being 'eccentric'. He tends to come across as very aloof. I for one thought he didn't like me at all the first few times we met through mutual friends. He didn't even glance in my direction and I thought he was distinctly unfriendly. I was surprised to find that out later on that he thought I was attractive.
He does however have a circle of very close friends (he is 35), and has stated a preference for friends who are significantly older than him - his best friend is in his 60s.
He at times offends people with his comments. I am nervous sometimes about introducing him to people because I am not sure how he will interact. Often he's fine, but its unpredictable. A friend of his said to me that 'he's not a people person.' He seems totally unaware that certain observations he makes could be offensive to people. He will bluntly state his opinions or make harsh criticisms. People who know him well find this funny,but it can put new people off.
He is completely obsessed with music and has a massive music collection which he is constantly expanding, and has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of music and film. He can talk about these subjects for hours. He is also passionate about collecting old books.
He is extremely orderly and has a place for everything and gets agitated if things are not in their place. He is very particular about clothing and will only wear cotton, other materials irritate his skin.
He likes routine - he would be quite happy to eat the same thing at the same restaurant everyday.
He has mentioned to me obsessive thoughts about hurting himself (he will imagine that he could trip over and break his head open on a corner of a table).
He occasionally has outbursts of rage which impact negatively on his life - (throwing a computer at his last job - punching a hole in the wall). Although he is exceptionally talented and skilled, he has not held down a steady job for quite some time. He said that he finds dealing with people in work situations just too much.
I am worried about him because he seems to be suffering from depression. He is going to see a psychiatrist next week for the first time which his something his friends have urged him to do for years.
I love him very much and want to help him anyway I can. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.



mysterious_misfit
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11 Oct 2008, 9:23 pm

Sounds like he could be Aspie.



Akajohnnyx
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11 Oct 2008, 10:32 pm

From the information that you supplied, I would say that there is a very good chance that he has AS. He seems to have all the hallmark traits. Sounds like a classic example of an Aspie.


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ceecee
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11 Oct 2008, 11:03 pm

thanks for the responses.
I mentioned asperger's to him briefly, he said he thinks it sounds a bit like him, but then said he doesn't think he has it. i don't want to push things on him or make him feel 'labelled' - I wonder if thats why he was a bit dismissive.



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12 Oct 2008, 1:39 am

Well, the standard advice in this situation is too read more about it. There are several good books about AS (aspergers syndrome). Go to your local library and check some out, then read up. Although fair warning, alot of books about AS deal mainly with AS children, you will want to look the book over and make sure it deals with adults too. I should refer you to this post made 3 days ago:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt79527.html

Overall, ignoring the situation and hoping it goes away will do nothing, better to at least read up on it and arm yourself with knowledge. And of course the more you boyfriend understands himself, the more he will understand his relationship with others.



ceecee
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12 Oct 2008, 2:02 am

yeah you are right, avoidance is not a solution. I tried bringing it up again this afternoon, but he just brushed it off, saying 'oh these days there is a name for everything'. He then said 'I don't want you to think I'm a freak.' Which I don't think at all. I am just trying to understand him better and help him.
It looks like I have some reading to do. I will try and gently encourage him to look into this too.
Thanks for the advice.



peterd
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12 Oct 2008, 2:15 am

Bear in mind, ceecee, that if he is aspie, he's probably gone through life thinking that everyone else is really just like him. It can take a while to get your head around.

Be patient too - he may well have had a lot of experience with rejection



Aradford
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12 Oct 2008, 3:47 am

you don't "have it"

jesus its just a personality really if you think about it, a way of being... christ... humanity....



ceecee
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12 Oct 2008, 4:15 am

sorry to have caused offence. I don't know much about this which is why I am here.
I checked what I had written carefully to try not annoy anyone.
It actually occurred to me after rereading my post that saying 'have' might offend someone - I looked through other posts before mine and had seen other people using that terminology and hadn't come across any complaints so I thought it was ok. obviously I was mistaken and I apologise.



donkey
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12 Oct 2008, 4:17 am

it does sound like AS behaviour. a few concerns i have for you and the situation your currently in.

a rule of thumb i have is: if the psychiatrist is older than me, then they havent heard about AS and dont know how to diagnose it......they tend to throw around schizoid, schizotypal, schizophrenia...depression but not AS.

the other rule of thumb is if you see a psychiatrist younger than i am, they have heard of AS but are too inexperienced to be able to diagnose it, they throw around the same diagnosis as well.

yes, these are generalisations but it is something i have expereince with.
I find the ausies more AS aware..... followed by the Uk then the US trails.

i would see a psychologist before a psychiatrist or someone who specialises in AS or autistic spectrum conditions.


also if you bf hears he may have AS he may deny or reject it for a while.
it takes time to sink in and accept he may be different.


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__biro
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12 Oct 2008, 6:27 am

Why don't you tell your boyfriend about all the famous people who may have or had AS like Einstien for example? Here is a list:
http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/pu ... 2086.shtml he might not be so worried about being a freak after reading it.

If you google the AQ Test then you could use that checklist of autistic traits to help you.

Also I don't think it's offensive at all to say someone might have Aspergers, I always say "I have Aspergers" and most people on here use "have" as well. How else can you say it? I am Aspergers? Doesn't make sense to me.



donkey
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12 Oct 2008, 6:50 am

__biro wrote:
.

Also I don't think it's offensive at all to say someone might have Aspergers, I always say "I have Aspergers" and most people on here use "have" as well. How else can you say it? I am Aspergers? Doesn't make sense to me.


this is interesting, as it conveys intent.

normal and common usage is to say " i have Aspergers"

but i tend to use, in verbal dialogue, i am AS. and there is an important disctinction for me.

I am australian, i am male, i am Aspergers.

i dont have austrlianness, i dont hav e maleness,
it isnt catching, you cant get AS from me, i dont have it, i am it.


there is a difference i think if there is a consolidated AS pride movement, like the gay pride movement.
we arent afflicted by AS, we dont have AS like we caught it. we are it.

its a different way of being not be pathologized, just recognised and then understood, then accepted.

I am AS.


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