What I think Eharmony is worth...

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techstepgenr8tion
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26 Nov 2008, 1:06 pm

Something that one of the other posters here just mentioned in another thread struck me about my own situation right now with Eharmony. For a while I was working with a profile that I had set up when I was 24; was getting a fair share of matches, most of which I really didn't have any interest in. I just, in the past 3 or 4 weeks, retook my questionnaire - that's been helpful in the sense that as I've gotten to know myself a lot better in the last 5 years, knowing what's realistically me vs. what I was still trying to change and found out is rather permanent; its gotten better.

The comment I'm referring to though is that women in general go for a minority of guys and guys go for a minority of women. Likening that to sales its a lot like going to Walmart to buy a book - they'll have what would be called, in marketing terms, the 'short tail' or pretty much just a wall of New York Times best sellers. However, if your interests are more well defined or more esoteric, you won't find your books there - you may not even find them readily available at Borders, which means your looking at Amazon.com.

I have a feeling, this is just my best guess, that when you are self-defined, have an alternative personality type, that Eharmony actually does cater to you quite well. I know that, for the bar and club dating scene, it would barely work; even if there was someone I'd date in there I'm almost positive that my roommate would chase em off with the cold shoulder :lol:. On the other hand I realize that with Eharmony, its not all but I think there's enough - alternative women who have the sort of self-knowledge that they know that the game of random chance in bars is less that depressing, its a desert as far as they're concerned. Pretty much, they have long-tail personalities and are looking for guys who are on a similar page (and yes, for me the dating scene doesn't work not from lack of social skills but from that specifically - for better or worse I'm too unique).

As of recently, when I signed back up (its been a year, just a month now on new subscription) I've figured out where to go on it. I try to find girls who, when I read their profile, knowing myself well enough know what I mesh with or what I don't, I'll hit up people that I see that with. If I were to think of perfect personality compatibility and call that 100%, I will contact the 80 or 90%ers pretty quick. Often enough, probably 9 or 10 times as often, I'll see women on there who - while they're definitely cute, I don't see any common interest. In that regard, I've noticed my best strategy is to hang back, not bother with it, and one of three things happen - they either do nothing, I may find them looking at my profile a lot in which I'll send them a contact, or alternatively they may send me a contact on their own. I think the reason its important to me to let them initiate in that regard is this - if they're personality is more to center, more common on the surface, I have far more sort of honing or 'restricting' factors to my personality (pluses but again, just esoteric interest) and they themselves will know whether they want a guy like that or not. Especially if, like suggested in another thread, if they are fighting off something like 10 or 15 new contacts per week and still initiate with me - it says a bit more.

This is all part of why I have a lot written in my profile. I know that there are a lot of, not necessarily negatives, but 'limiting' factors; either you'll be interested or you likely won't be able to relate to me at all - I try in that sense to sort of discourage the non-matches. From time to time I'll also go through my profile and clear out anyone who I have no interested in contacting (giving it about a month or so to see if they make a move). Anymore I actually love closed matches just because, it shortens my list and makes it less likely that I forget who's who; often enough there will be women who are...hmmm...they'll hit me off an angle where I almost want to contact them...second guess it....still not sure... I'd rather have them in a stack of 50 than a stack of 300.


Anyway, I know some of the thoughts I put down here are probably no-brainers, but often enough in life I'm finding reiteration has a value. I think a lot of you guys may have a fair chance on something like this, it just comes down to knowing what it is your looking for. I just had another 28 matches thrown at me in the last couple days and I have a feeling that at least a couple of them will likely end up being contacts.



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26 Nov 2008, 6:10 pm

From the title of your post I was expecting you to say Eharmony wasn't worth much. That was my experience. I was with them for a couple of years and maybe had 50 matches total. I used to laugh when they talked about organizing your matches 20 per page. I don't think I ever had more than 4 at a time. Initially I had the distance to set 100 miles (?) but no one that far away ever contacted me. Who'd want to drive that far anyway? I changed it to 60 miles which still put me within several million people. After that I got about 1 match every 2 months. Those were rather expensive matches. I finally decided that alone was the way it was going to be and I had better accept that so I parted ways with them.



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26 Nov 2008, 6:55 pm

e-harmony was sued some time ago for hiring women to reply or send 'interests' to subscribers and even got bonuses if they went out on dates with long term subscribers.

all to generate positive feedback and keep subscriptions.


I do not trust any pay-to-use site because if there's money to be done ... money YOU pay, they will scam you.


In fact, the other day a coworker had mentioned to me about a website to meet chinese women. He pulled the site and showed me.. he had received about 32 'interest' notes from ladies in less than a week.

hmmmm.

We looked at the messages they were sending him and I almost fell off my chair. All were obvious templates. The majority of the messages he received had the exact same sentence, a very similar opening statement and funnier yet, all of them closed with a 'I hope to hear from you soon' or any other indication that HE should be sending a reply.

.. and that site did not charge for joining of for searching ..it charged per message you sent out.



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26 Nov 2008, 7:14 pm

I'd like to know what happened with the law suit.



techstepgenr8tion
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26 Nov 2008, 7:30 pm

Dantac wrote:
e-harmony was sued some time ago for hiring women to reply or send 'interests' to subscribers and even got bonuses if they went out on dates with long term subscribers.

all to generate positive feedback and keep subscriptions.


I do not trust any pay-to-use site because if there's money to be done ... money YOU pay, they will scam you.


In fact, the other day a coworker had mentioned to me about a website to meet chinese women. He pulled the site and showed me.. he had received about 32 'interest' notes from ladies in less than a week.

hmmmm.

We looked at the messages they were sending him and I almost fell off my chair. All were obvious templates. The majority of the messages he received had the exact same sentence, a very similar opening statement and funnier yet, all of them closed with a 'I hope to hear from you soon' or any other indication that HE should be sending a reply.

.. and that site did not charge for joining of for searching ..it charged per message you sent out.


I'm kind of indifferent to all this really. IMO they're too big for the defacto transparency not to catch up on things like that, the contacts I have gotten made sense so far so I doubt I've been the beneficiary of any proxy eharmony PR as you indicated at the top of all that.

I think the problem is we can pro-act or we can bury ourselves in cynicism; whichever we prefer. I for one feel like I'd have far too much to answer to myself for at the end of the day if I didn't at least give something a shot. So far right now, its pretty positive - then again my expectation's aren't through the roof either, internet dating is internet dating - no less a pain than IRL dating aside from the fact that you have the benefit of not having all the social interference factors in between that you would if you try to go out clubbing or bar-hopping to make things happen.



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28 Nov 2008, 3:07 am

Dantac wrote:
e-harmony was sued some time ago for hiring women to reply or send 'interests' to subscribers and even got bonuses if they went out on dates with long term subscribers.

all to generate positive feedback and keep subscriptions.


I think that was Match.com, not E-Harmony. A few years ago I got three free months of Match.com because they were involved in a class-action suit regarding deceptive marketing. I guess the 90-day deal was the settlement.

E-Harmony, on the other hand, was started by a Christian fundamentalist and has a reputation for deleting members who identify themselves as gay or lesbian.

I have a pretty cynical view of most online dating sites, but sometimes I wonder if they're my only realistic option for meeting somebody.


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28 Nov 2008, 4:36 am

One of the problems with eharmony is that they send all matches out, whether the other person is a subscriber or not. When I was a member, I'd get a good number of matches a day, but the vast majority of them, as far as I could tell, had not paid for the service so if I sent them communication, they'd be unable to send back or even read what I sent. Once I realized that, I canceled my service.



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28 Nov 2008, 6:19 pm

Yeah, and for that I stick to plentyoffish or other free ones.



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28 Nov 2008, 6:38 pm

Bleh...I hate Eharmony. Last time I tried to set up a profile and fill out the questionaire they told me something like "We're sorry, but we can not find any matches for you because you fall into the 5% area of people who are very unique". Basically saying I was a freak of nature or something and anyone in their right mind would steer clear of me.

Yeah, I'd say Eharmony rubbed me the wrong way...


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29 Nov 2008, 12:14 pm

how much is it? if its relatively inexpencive and im garenteed sucsess i might be willing to pay for it


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techstepgenr8tion
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09 Jan 2009, 9:06 pm

One more thing I have to add to this; I'm noticing it a lot and its a major caveat. I get a lot of matches, a lot of em are nothing like me in terms of interests it seems (perhaps emotional style but, very rarely on enough for me to want to date).

I find that I'll have a lot of interest coming from just as many avid sports fans, pet-obsessed people, girls who want an extroverted guy, and its not to say that its bad that they want those things - not my point at all - but they read my profile, I do probably have myself phrased as quite a catch, but I also do quite well as showing myself as erring big time on the arts and intellect side. While I try not to prejudge, almost always give a chance, it seems like more and more gets excavated.

So my main concern - a lot of them, just like a lot of guys, will try to push things through where you really don't have a lot in common or they'll even have deal-breakers in their opinion that you fit like a glove and, for some odd reason, they're all about still giving it a go. May be great if your not worried about getting serious but if you have any intention of dating to marry - that's not a good picture.



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10 Jan 2009, 10:26 am

I did a lot of research into these sites for a history class.

Your ad is just that. An advertisement. Its only purpose is to have a real life meaning. You're not supposed to put everything on it just as a company doesn't put everything on their advertisements.

And for the record, they do work. Many researchers have found the success rate is on par with that of normal dating. It is simply another avenue to meet people.


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10 Jan 2009, 1:17 pm

eHarmony is worth..........................Nothing. As far as online dating sites are concerned, the vERY best that Ive ever come across is OKCupid. :D Its an online dating site that caters to unconventional people(including those who are a bit odd like us :wink: )and it WAY more fun than any of the others. I deleted my plentyoffish account last years cuz the people on that site were pretty boring and shewed no interest in me. :?



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10 Jan 2009, 2:48 pm

I tried one of those IRL companies in the early 90s (before the Internet took off). They wanted $1,600 for 5 matches. I left a small vacuum in the chair I was sitting in by quickly leaving.

I'm not sure how E-harmony charges (probably hundreds). I've heard stories that over a million people have been refused a site listing because they were too....whatever.

I tend to think that over a certain amount, you almost want to have the thing work, because the alternative is just too blasted expensive.



techstepgenr8tion
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10 Jan 2009, 3:08 pm

pakled wrote:
I tried one of those IRL companies in the early 90s (before the Internet took off). They wanted $1,600 for 5 matches. I left a small vacuum in the chair I was sitting in by quickly leaving.

I'm not sure how E-harmony charges (probably hundreds). I've heard stories that over a million people have been refused a site listing because they were too....whatever.

I tend to think that over a certain amount, you almost want to have the thing work, because the alternative is just too blasted expensive.


I frankly think they're 29-point 'algorhythm' is missing something big because yeah, I took the dating test twice now, got plenty of matches before and still am, but I still look at most of my matches and while I don't still wonder I easily could at this point - if this system is so advanced, why in hell am I being matched with this person? I kind of wondered if PDD-NOS gave me such an esoteric existence that it was me that was the outlyer and that these were just NT's with the same results but even that doesn't seem to make much sense. They say they won't take interests as seriously as the matching system - I frankly don't think they're doing that enough.



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10 Jan 2009, 3:12 pm

Kirska wrote:
And for the record, they do work. Many researchers have found the success rate is on par with that of normal dating. It is simply another avenue to meet people.


Heheh, yeah, I'd say there's even an upside - you get the information rather than having bad date after bad date after bad date.

This is part of why I also willfully hung back through most of my twenties trying to just wait for anyone who I was *really* attracted to on all levels; I saw one maybe once every three years. Friends got after me about dating, my answer was "I don't like anything that's available". Not that I even wanted a 10/10 beauty, not even close, I think it was more like I was looking - and still am - for that right blend of atypical NT or mild spectrumite; if a girl's both somewhat attractive and I get an instant feeling of kinship like she's someone living my life - attraction goes off the charts. Sadly - I've seen maybe one or two of these on eharmony as well in about two years of being there off and on :/.