Falling out of love

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When you fall in love with someone, do you become fixated on that person like you would a special interest or how a low-functioning autistic child would become mesmerised with an object? I used to become fixated on fictional characters, but soon began to move onto real people.

Anyway, my most recent crush is one of my flatmates. In case you are wondering, yes it is the same girl who I posted about in one of my previous threads. When I first met her, she was very flirtatious, but then I found out she had a boyfriend. Since I first met her, she has stopped flirting but has said and done things that may lead me to believe that she likes me. For example, it may just be my imagination, but I swear when at the Student Union she'll glance in my direction and when I look back at her she looks away. She has also asked me if I had a girlfriend and whether I liked anyone. She also seems eager for me to meet her boyfriend.

Anyway, when in group conversations, we avoid talking to each other (and I usually avoid taking part in conversations anyway because of my asperger's) but when alone she'll try to start small-talk with me and often ask me questions such as "do you know who this belongs to" or "can I use some of your ketchup?". And about three different people have asked how things between me and her are, like as if we're a couple. I don't know really what to make of all this. When I was dancing with another girl and a little bit of romance happened between us, one of my flatmates asked if we "did it" yet, my crush butted in with "what?", to which my flatmate responded "nothing" and then said to me "she's jealous". When my crush overheard that I said I thought she was attractive, she stared at me and her face lit up. And when we dress up for parties such as on Halloween, she always says things like "Oh my god he looks so scary!" or "Oh my god look at you!" She also commented that her birthday card from me was sweet.

As an aspie, I find it really hard to tell if she likes me or not. I have no clue what to do. I really wish I could fall out of love with her, but that's going to be very difficult unless another girl comes along and takes her place. I have no idea how long her relationship with her boyfriend will last since she dosen't see him very much now she's at college. I know falling out of love with her would be the rational thing to do, but my feelings are too strong.

From the sounds of it, she does have a crush on you, but she also has a boyfriend, so I'd leave well alone.

Sorry.

Not to mention she's your flatmate. 2 rules of share housing (trust me i've lived in over 100 over the years):

1. Don't screw the crew. Remember you have to live/work/associate with this person for the next however long. Plus when you start a relationship with a flatmate it throws you directly into the "living together" thing which creates an awful lot of pressure in the relationship. Part of the fun of the beginning of a relationship is the missing each other bit, when you have to go home because of obligations etc.

2. Don't s**t where you eat. If there are other people in the house it can really muck up the dynamics of a perfectly good share house. All of a sudden two separate entities become biased in household decisions/choices. It's about affiliation and politics and some other housemates may take exception to it.

Maybe you *are* meant to be together, but at a different time in different circumstances. If you do intend to proceed with the relationship, one of you may consider moving to a different place so that no spanners are thrown into the works.

=)

Falling out of love can be really hard (especially for an aspie I think).

I've been trying to do it for four years, and have still been unsuccessful.

At this point I'm praying with all my being that it's not impossible.

i have never been in love.
there have been people i liked, but i generally do not think about anyone when they are not in my company.

Another thing she keeps doing is whenever I run into her in the flat, she always says "oh you scared me." What does that mean? I'm sorry, as an aspie I don't really understand the meaning. Is she saying she dosen't like me? I replied sorry and she said "that's okay" and then began small-talking to me, which then I made my escape.

could be her way of saying 'hi'?

There are a few girls I used to fancy who just don't do anything for me anymore, but they're only a few among several dozen who I imagine I'd still hook up with given the chance. So from my perspective if I find I really like someone, I'll probably stay attracted to them indefinitely and the only way to get over rejection is to distract myself with other attractive women.

I don't know, I don't understand neurotypical girls. I don't know what to do, and I've become so anxious and confused I can't even be in the same room as her.

Careful, don't break your neck.

I know a girl that I used to work with that was like this. She had a b/f, yet she would sit right next to me at break, flirt around with me, go out of her way to talk to me, get jealous when other women showed an interest, etc..., yet, I don't think she would ever give up her b/f for me.

I may be wrong about this, but I think that she did like my personality, and kept me around for her emotional needs, but she stayed with her b/f because she valued looks, confidence, and all of the other stuff, over personality. It's like one man couldn't satisfy all of her needs.

I know that there are a lot of women out there, that flirt around, and end up leading guys on in the process, just for the attention alone, without ever really wanting anything more out of it. Make sure she isn't one of those, because you will be wasting your time, if she is.

Also, I don't really think it's a good idea to interfere in their relationship, as it will lead to many problems. If and when the time is right, and you are both single, I'd say go for it.

Maybe you did scare her, or maybe you're in places she doesn't expect you to be. It's not really clear what you mean by "run into her" - do you literally bump into each other in the hallway, or is it just when you're both in one room at the same time? If it's bumping into her in the hallway it could be that she's not used to living with someone else, or that you move quickly, or quiet enough so she doesn't hear that you're there. How long have you been sharing the flat? There are heaps of variable factors here, so it's really hard to tell what she means with one statement. Also her tone of voice would tell you whether or not she's really scared. Is she smiling when she says it, or does she actually look scared?

xx

Most of the times she said it was when either she or I walked into the kitchen. She only said it in the corridor once. The last time that happened was when I walked into the kitchen, and she was cooking, and I walked towards her and she went "Oh you scared me, f**k." I don't know how she didn't notice the door open though. She kind've puts her hand on her chest and says it in a rather relieved tone and sometimes smiles, but last time I got the impression she was putting it on a little bit to get my attention as she immediately tried to start a conversation afterwards. Perhaps its her way of saying she's pleasently surprised to see me?

Yep, sounds like it.

The pickle you're in is that when someone's your housemate it's a specific kind of relationship, much like a relationship you would have with a sibling. There's a line of trust that says you can be completely free to be who you are in your own house (apart from the obvious household chores, noise etc where you have to be very careful to pay attention to respecting other people's space). Housemates offer emotional support, alternative points of view, new ways of cooking food, etc. If that line gets crossed the relationship doesn't go back, and often deteriorates.

I would suggest that if you don't want her to be scared, make more noise when you approach a room. Hum or bump into the wall or something. Also, develop the sibling relationship with this girl now, get to know her really well (as people tend to do with housemates). Share dinner cooking duties, show her you're great to live with. Only problem is that you may find that the friendship becomes so strong that you don't want to have a relationship with her in the end. From experience, there are people I lived with over 10 years ago in another state entirely who i would do absolutely anything for if they asked, because our friendship is so strong i consider them family.

Maybe you need to work out if this crush will go away. At the moment, living together and her having a boyfriend, it's not likely that revealing your feelings will be a positive thing, because of the situation. If she cheats on her boyfriend with you then you just become the other guy who's an excuse for her to get out of the relationship, rather than a valued and trusted friend. Just be there for her. Let her talk to you about anything at all, be open to it. If the boyfriend is a dick, then chances are she will get rid of him eventually. That's your cue to move out (after a little while), and open the channels of communication of another sort.

Best of luck =)

Oh yes, definately me. My husband was my special interest for the past ... 3+ years. Now.. I'm not sure that I have a special interest but I am trying to be a little more independant because my obsession tends to be a bit stifling for someone who doensn't share it.. Its also disappointing to me when my intense interest is not reciprocated.

But I'm doing better, I think

Prior to my husband, I had obsessions revolving around fictional characters too. Actually, it alternated between boyfriends (if I had one) and a fictional character (if I didn't). An object of my obsession would only phase out if replaced by another person. Just like you said.

I'm sorry but I don't feel like reading through all the posts, so I'll post my insight on the "Falling out of love" subject.

Falling in love can sometimes feel like suddenly finding yourself in quicksand. You can fall in, but you sure as hell can't "fall out" as quickly.

Another analogy would be like, you have been in love for a while - it's like being in the middle of a murky swamp. When you decide to leave the swamp, it's hell, and slow-going (and you might fall into some nasty, muddy water a few times too). The key is to keep going in the same direction, and find distractions (oh look at those birds!) along the way to make the journey less difficult.

But what do I know