Horrible anxiety feels like its killing me

Page 1 of 1 [ 4 posts ] 

Adakain
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Dec 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 62

19 Dec 2008, 1:12 am

Well back in july i had a neighbor come over one day and tell me that a girl who might be a prostitute told him to tell me to leave town or pay some gang members off that were looking for me. To make a long story short my neighbor supposedly gave them 200 bucks and they left us alone. i never saw these guys and don't even know if they exist.

but in mid september, i had another neighbor stop me outside and threaten to kick my a** and punch me in my em effing jaw because it's my fault he went to jail. i tried to calm him down and ask what the matter was. he said in late august that two guys and a girl were out banging on my door at three in the morning while i was gone so he came out and told them to get the f out. they ask to use his phone. he says yes. they call the police and cuss them out after the guy walks back inside. he comes back out and gets his phone back but then 3 days later the cops come and arrest him for phone harassment, a possible 1-6 month sentence in jail with a 2k fine. he gets my information and tells me his lawyer will be getting in touch with me. oh and he also told me while he was talking to me that if i walked back inside my apartment (he was walking off a minute to go get something) if i walked back inside my apartment he would tear down my door and come get me.

then last week my dad came over to bring me some lunch and some things. he left. i was getting ready to take a shower when he left but suddenly minutes later i got another knock on my door. my dad was there when i opened and he told me that guy was outside looking for me and that he would get him to leave if i wanted him to. i said "no, i'll talk to him". I come out, this guy is making threats to my dad, calling him an old man, even went to grab at him almost screaming in anger. my dad called the police but quickly told the operator that things had cooled down and that we would not need any assistance.

i once again gave him my phone number and full name, got another business card for the attorney, who is strangely enough based almost 2 hours from here and the guy was gone.

so that was enough to stress me out and piss me off.

then a few nights ago, i had an old friend call me who was obviously insanely drunk (although he might have been screwing with me), slurring his words, sounding very threatening, demanding answers, saying "i want answers dam**it!! !! !! !! i said " what are your questions? ill answer them". then he said "we're gonna talk man to man!!" i said "where are you?" he said "im almost at your house." i don't remember all else what he said. but at this point he had me freaked out. i had a pair of pants on, grabbed my keys and walked out at 3 in the morning. got a ride to wal mart where i walked in with no shirt and no shoes, had people looking at me like i was crazy, had to go buy a new shirt and slippers and wait around for almost 3 hours before i got a ride back home.

this stuff is driving me insane. every time he calls me now i feel horrible like i'm gonna pass out from an attack of anxiety, not knowing what he is going to say, if he is on his way over

then i go to my appointment with the counselor and he says that my speech is obviously "disorganized" implying i can't form a coherent thought

now i open my mouth and have even more anxiety for fear of sounding like an idiot

i get on the internet forums and post my political beliefs and religious beliefs and really open up to people, and really share my feelings with them, i am a conservative christian, and because of that i am widely hated on the internet for what i believe so now whenever i post on the internet i feel horribly anxious over who is going to attack me for what i am saying, and it is hurtful that my beliefs are so bizarre and people don't want to take me seriously because they think i'm joking when i'm being totally serious

and then i sat on the computer on youtube for about 10-15 hours over a 2 day period and watched 2800 videos, which needless to say made me feel like my brain was fried from all the idiocy i saw on that site

then i go to my family's for a dinner a few nights ago, and i realized how my sisters are so beautiful, have great husbands, beautiful children, nice houses, nice cars, good futures ahead of them, whereas i am unattractive, not physically healthy, have HBP, high cholesterol, never been on as much as a date, will probably never have what they have in a million years, and then they have the decency to insult me and make fun of me for my relationships difficulties

and then after all of this, i found out i failed both my classes last semester, and may be on financial aid suspension

yeah what a great life i have ahead of me



Adakain
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Dec 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 62

19 Dec 2008, 1:21 am

oh and then i just went into the women's forum out of curiosity and just the thought of women makes me feel horrible inside, not that i don't like women, i do, it is kind of like when you play the lottery and you get four numbers out of five and then realized you would have picked the fifth number but at the last minute changed your mind



KaliMa
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Feb 2007
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 960
Location: Boston, Massachusetts, USA

19 Dec 2008, 11:10 am

I'm sorry you're having so much stress. You have a lot of violent loonys in your life - do you have any idea why you atract them? I've occasionally had people threaten me for no apparent reason, but never to the extent you have. This is terrible.

As far as the "friend" goes, the next time he calls maybe you should remind him of his "drunken" phone call and ask if there's anything he wants to discuss with you? If he says no, maybe ask what he thinks caused him to do that? There's no reason for someone you call a friend to cause you so much anxiety. Either address his behavior or dump him, your choice - that's my opinion.


_________________
"I yam what I yam." - Popeye the Sailor

Avatar from www.freesmileys.org


ephemerella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Mar 2007
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,335

19 Dec 2008, 11:28 am

There are so many people on this site who are much more knowledgeable about counseling than I am. I won't offend you by offering you comments. Just want to say I'm sorry that you are going through this, I understand what the horrible corrosive anxiety is that eats your brain. I felt that when I was being stalked and harassed by sociopaths (they are incredibly irrational and relentlessly effective in their abuse). Just seeing the title of your thread made my heart hurt.

I think that some of the things that maybe made my horrible anxiety attacks worse was engaging in obsessive activity. So physical activity was very hard to do at times like that, but helpful.

Family who are inconsiderately talking or joking down on you are a hard thing to deal with when you are choking on anxiety on account of other people's behavior that is out of control.

Some AS people have very strong, clear and compelling political and social views. I sometimes have a compelling need to speak out about my views, and it's not something I can always control. There's a big compelling-political-speech thing with some AS, I think. It is stressful when people attack your conscientious speech.

I hope you find a way to feel better today.

I keep sedatives on hand for when I have flashbacks to the anxiety attacks I had when being stalked.