Can Anybody Set Me Straight???

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I think Tiffany's answer to that would probably be that women are just as difficult to mesh with as men.

And my experience with men is that most of them just want to get into my pants, which doesn't work at all for me... So I think she and I are both at about the same place on that front.

I'm not real sure about the whole "forever" feeling in general... I don't know that it's even something that NTs are naturally inclined to, I suspect that's been very gradually conditioned into our culture. Somebody posted a study here recently that showed that people who watch romantic comedies for example are more likely to have unrealistic expectations of their partners -- and they actually blinded the study so that they just had a random selection of people watching x or y movie and the people who'd just finished watching the com-com (irrespective of their preference) were more likely to have unrealistic expectations. There's a lot to be said for anchoring and classical conditioning.

I enjoy having more than one partner at a time, although it's been several years since that's happened. I can however relate to the notion of being overloaded by it. Even a lot of NTs express that sentiment.

I have a schedule...Though I try to squeeze in extra time with my other partner when I can.

It can feel ovewhealming at times...my mind really had to stretch...and is still in the process of adapting. Sometimes I can be a bit emotionally unfair to my primary partner because I have more baggage with him and whatnot..

Thanks, everybody, for your answers!

Millie: thanks for your long post. Yes, I think I am also one of those people who feels frazzled with relationships, it seems to be too much for me; though at this point, it´s hard for me to know if that´s due to an AS problem, or the fact that the men I was with were too demanding? Although I do think I am probably not cut out for a "conventional" relationship. I have often noticed that I feel better, and much more relaxed, when I live alone. I have actually never lived with a man before, though some have stayed temporarily in my apartment...but even that was horrible for me!

oh yes, and I am often on Wrong Planet at odd hours...it´s an obsession with me at the moment! Though, there is no man here with me to complain about it, ha!

I did actually have one relationship that was reasonably relaxed and pretty nice...it was quite different from the others. At the time, I guess I didn´t realize it, because I was young and it was only my 2nd relationship. There were some problems, which was why we broke up, but in retrospect I realize it was much better than the others.

I just thought of another reason, too. Because it sells! Almost every relationship advice column, book or internet site for women obsesses about the "how to keep your man from straying" problem. I know, because I´ve read these things so much! I´m sick of hearing about it, because I need more basic advice...

But anyway, if it weren´t for this tension between the sexes, people wouldn´t be able to sell so many books. Hell, the whole beauty industry- fashion, makeup, breast implants, face lifts- might even go up in smoke! Somebody is making a profit on this. And what would be the main reason women would fall for this stuff? To "keep their man", of course. If you take a close look, you notice that girls are actually raised with the notion of monogamy- "anti-slut behavior", etc.- whereas boys are told to go out and have fun, have as many partners as they like (before "settling down"). I wonder how much of it is really "biology"? When we are culturally conditioned to think in these opposite ways? I always thought that was odd; I mean, no wonder it´s so hard for couples of the opposite sex! Again, one of those illogical things in society: for, if we were raised with common goals, relationships would be much easier and more fulfilling, needless to say.

Although you can decide too if you want to even bother with or worry about the "keep your man from straying" problem. You as an individual may not care to have more than one lover at a time, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're required to demand that your partner be monogamous. I've met a number of people who are happy to have a lover who has other lovers even though they themselves don't.

You would just want to make sure that you establish the ground rules ahead of time and preferably that you find someone who's proven that they're okay with poly relationships, as occasionally a guy who's accustomed to traditional NT monogamy seems unable to handle the shift in thinking and goes and "cheats" even though he doesn't have to. By this I mean you agreed that he needed to disclose about other partners before hand (for your sanity regarding safe sex) and he didn't. They usually come back and say "you can't tell me you were being serious about the poly thing, nobody does that, and you'd be pissed if I came to you and asked". For whatever reason some people just don't seem able to grasp the concept.

But, on the other side of the coin, it is at least an option that offers a potential solution to the issue of "cheating" that, with the right person, can be more honest and less stressful than the traditional "game".

Most of the things you're talking about are very 'group' specific and are social conventions, rules and norms that do not necesarily apply if you decide to go and live with another group who have their own unique rules, etc. They are not in any way widely held social conventions. You can go to Utah and some places in Nevada and have multiple wives very easily. You can go to some places here in California and have as many Husbands as you want. There are hundreds if not thousands of small 'communities' all across the globe where you can live a very liberated lifestyle if you decide that's what important for you to do. You can do it right now in your own immediate environment if you want to. There is nothing much that says you can't live the way you want to. People do it all the time.

Yeah, I guess you guys are right. I notice though, that men immediately assume (and expect) me to be monogamous, and they also play that monogamy game with me, too. In fact, if a man is interested in me, usually one of the first things he says to me is that he is "honest and true", and I can "count on him"....I always find it odd that people tell me these things right away, before I even know them...makes me suspicious, I think why does he need to tell me this now? I guess I cam do things the way I want, just so long as I talk about it out in the open. (In the past, I also just assumed I was monogamous, because people basically said that was how I should be...if that makes any sense?) Don´t know what I am now...I think this "forever" thing is difficult, and I don´t like being "cuckolded"- i.e., lied to- so I would rather have it all out in the open.

Well, this is all if I ever get into a relationship again...that seems to be tough hurdle too at the moment.

You've been meeting the wrong people.

Yes, I think you are right. Not sure how to change that, though....

The more I read this thread, the more I realized that the most honest relationship out there is between an escort and her client (regular or one-time). It's even more honest than a sugar daddy relationship, and doesn't have that older man/much younger woman taboo factor. (Yeah, it's illegal in some places, but let's disregard that for a minute.) While high-class escorts provide companionship that feels like being with a girlfriend (e.g. real or well-acted affection, cuddling, French kissing, etc.), both parties know the truth about why they're there: she's providing a service in exchange for cash. A client may freely admit that he's seeing other escorts, and it's common knowledge that escorts have multiple clients. Not at any point are there lies, deceptions, or mixed messages. Everything is cut and dried, with clear rules. With that said, escorts can enjoy being with a good client (if he's respectful, why wouldn't she?) just as a client can enjoy being with an good escort.

Yes and no. The basic service is more straightforward yes. Both parties know it's going to happen and they know money will change hands, and if sex is what you're interested in, it's generally less expensive that way than via a romantic relationship. The escort is likely to lie to her client for the sake of keeping him as a client though, telling him that she enjoys things that she really doesn't or that she holds beliefs that are very different from those she actually holds. She might be an Atheist, a Christian or a Wiccan depending on who's paying. Or maybe it's her political affiliation. Or maybe she's just faking orgasms. Or maybe she really doesn't like the client much at all, but she keeps him as a client because even though she thinks he's a sleazy person (maybe he treats his employees like garbage), but he pays her well and she feels physically safe having him as a client.



Also yes and no. There's a strange thing that happens to people when they start doing something they enjoy for a living. Even if it's something they love, it tends to become "work" with a variety of associated negative feelings attached to it. Even an artist, who loves art for its own sake tends to get rather disenchanted with the business of art and sometimes feel rather negatively about it or even about the creation of art when there's a deadline and/or a price tag associated with it. It becomes things they didn't want and a lot of artists over the years have even chosen to describe it metaphorically as "whoring" themselves in part because they often feel that the art isn't honest anymore because they're telling those same kinds of lies or half-truths to their clients. "Yes I think a painting of a bullfighter would be an excellent choice"... meanwhile they happen to be disgusted by the idea of bull fighting. But if you're an artist in the NT world, you don't tell the client that you don't like their ideas unless you're very convicted and willing to starve quite a lot, because they want an artist who's excited about the job.

So while it seems honest on the surface, it may only seem that way.