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BellaDonna
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28 Jan 2009, 10:29 am

I have been abusive relationships and irrespective of most of them being abusive - I did not love them and lost respect except for one.

So why do women still love men who have abused them. People say it is not love and abuse isn't but I disagree that being with some one who is abusive - That it doesn't mean you still can't or don't love each other.



Fnord
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28 Jan 2009, 11:00 am

Off the top of my pointy little head...

Missionary Complex (for lack of a better term): She sees him as a wounded creature who is only acting out of his inner pain. If only she could love him enough, he would become a better person and love her for saving him, and her value as a nurturing woman and mother-figure would be confirmed for all to see.

Skewed Normalcy: Abusive men are what she grew up with, so she believes deep down inside that only abusive men could possibly love her, and that any man who treats her nice is either (a) gay, (b) setting her up for epic cruelty, or (c) defective.

Alpha Fever: The only man worth having is the kind of man that can beat the snot out of any other man around. She rewards her "Alpha Male" with a clean house, hot sex, warm food, and cold beer. She also counts the house, the man, the kids, and any expensive gifts as trophies and proof of her worthiness as "Alpha Female" in her circle of friends.

Martyr Syndrome: For whatever reason, she believes that she deserves nothing better than to be trapped in an abusive relationship. The beatings are painful reminders of her hopeless inadequacy as a human being, but at least she's getting attention.


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Blue Jay
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28 Jan 2009, 11:03 am

BellaDonna wrote:
I have been abusive relationships and irrespective of most of them being abusive - I did not love them and lost respect except for one.

So why do women still love men who have abused them. People say it is not love and abuse isn't but I disagree that being with some one who is abusive - That it doesn't mean you still can't or don't love each other.


When I was a very young woman, about 21, I had a BF who was verbally abusive and finally it turned physical one night. That was our last night as a couple.

As I looked back to try to understand how I ended up in such a relationship, I realized that neither the BF nor I had positive examples of what constituted a healthy relationship. He had a great deal of rage and resentment toward people in general and he had not learned how to deal with those feelings constructively. I did not know the warning signs of an abusive relationship. Mix that in with some neediness, plain old loneliness and wanting to connect with another- there you go - a perfect recipe for an abusive relationship.



sinsboldly
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28 Jan 2009, 11:19 am

because they remind them of their fathers. . .


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Blue Jay
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28 Jan 2009, 11:19 am

Fnord wrote:
Off the top of my pointy little head...

Skewed Normalcy: Abusive men are what she grew up with, so she believes deep down inside that only abusive men could possibly love her, and that any man who treats her nice is either (a) gay, (b) setting her up for epic cruelty, or (c) defective.


Really, I think it all comes down to "Skewed Normalcy." I think "MS" and "MC" are part of the "SN" syndrome. "AF" may describe the first few stages of denial a woman goes through but I don't think it is what causes or keeps a woman (or man) in that relationship.

Also, to women or men in abusive relationships, attention= love. That's how it starts in the first place. People who get trapped in these relationships don't know the difference between attention and love.

IME, and those of close friends who have been there too, the seeds start from very early in life. We all have to get our basic needs met and if our caregiver(s) abuse us, how are we to know that we can receive shelter, food, etc. without brutality or neglect? As children, we don't know that other options exist.



mitharatowen
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28 Jan 2009, 11:32 am

RecentlyBookmarked wrote:
..if our caregiver(s) abuse us, how are we to know that we can receive shelter, food, etc. without brutality or neglect?


I just thought that it needed repeating.
It's important.



BellaDonna
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28 Jan 2009, 11:43 am

mitharatowen wrote:
RecentlyBookmarked wrote:
..if our caregiver(s) abuse us, how are we to know that we can receive shelter, food, etc. without brutality or neglect?


I just thought that it needed repeating.
It's important.


All of the posts make sense. Even though a parent will abuse thier child. That child stills loves them and the parent the child.

There's a saying 'little girls will grow up and marry their fathers' so what ever male role you identified with growing up - you will be attracted to that in a future partner because that is what you are familiar with, I think.

No one likes what they don't know or are not familiar with so why would you go out with some one you cannot relate to - it would give you the creeps.



highlander
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28 Jan 2009, 11:47 am

I've never figured this one out either. I've been caring and supportive of the women i've dated, Only to be dumped, while they've moved on to an abusive relationship either phsycally or emotionally.



BellaDonna
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28 Jan 2009, 12:00 pm

[quote="Fnord"]Off the top of my pointy little head...

Missionary Complex (for lack of a better term): She sees him as a wounded creature who is only acting out of his inner pain. If only she could love him enough, he would become a better person and love her for saving him, and her value as a nurturing woman and mother-figure would be confirmed for all to see.

Skewed Normalcy: Abusive men are what she grew up with, so she believes deep down inside that only abusive men could possibly love her, and that any man who treats her nice is either (a) gay, (b) setting her up for epic cruelty, or (c) defective.

Alpha Fever: The only man worth having is the kind of man that can beat the snot out of any other man around. She rewards her "Alpha Male" with a clean house, hot sex, warm food, and cold beer. She also counts the house, the man, the kids, and any expensive gifts as trophies and proof of her worthiness as "Alpha Female" in her circle of friends.

Yes, all of these have been true for me. However, one of my partners was a beautiful person. He was very caring. Most of them have been caring and done their best to keep or impress me. It is shame there has to be an abusive element to it. It ruins everything and and in some ways they have always been emotionally unavailable because of their problems.

However, growing up I had no males that cared about me at all. He could not have cared less and was abusive and nasty. The only affection and/or positive attention I received was being laughed at or was sexual. As a child all I ever wanted was to be loved and respected for who I was.



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28 Jan 2009, 12:36 pm

In addition to what other people have said, it can be very confusing when someone blows hot and cold. We end up like those pigeons who were given intermittent reinforcement - we do whatever we can to get the positive outcomes again, even when we have no control.

And it's true, we often repeat our attachment patterns from infancy in our adult relationships. Insecurely attached as a child = insecurely attached as an adult. At least until we spot the pattern and try to change it.



anna-banana
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28 Jan 2009, 12:50 pm

because they are scared of being alone...?


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BellaDonna
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28 Jan 2009, 12:54 pm

anna-banana wrote:
because they are scared of being alone...?


No not really. There are plenty of times I have been alone and guys have been interested - but me, not them. I don't like them because I can tell they are not good people. They do not have the qualites I like or am attracted to. The boyfriends I have been with, intially, is because I find them attractive and I can't stop thinking about them.



BellaDonna
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28 Jan 2009, 12:58 pm

Anemone wrote:
In addition to what other people have said, it can be very confusing when someone blows hot and cold. We end up like those pigeons who were given intermittent reinforcement - we do whatever we can to get the positive outcomes again, even when we have no control.

And it's true, we often repeat our attachment patterns from infancy in our adult relationships. Insecurely attached as a child = insecurely attached as an adult. At least until we spot the pattern and try to change it.


Yes good point Anemone but how to do that is like trying to change your whole brain or belief structure.



deadeyexx
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28 Jan 2009, 1:14 pm

Probably has some to do with certian women craving excitement to an unhealthy level. Abusive guys tend to be unpredictable & emotionally charged. They invoke the same intense emotions within the women they're with, & some women (or men in some cases) are drawn to anyone capable of giving them that high. Anyone else would just be considered too boring.



BellaDonna
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28 Jan 2009, 1:22 pm

deadeyexx wrote:
Probably has some to do with certian women craving excitement to an unhealthy level. Abusive guys tend to be unpredictable & emotionally charged. They invoke the same intense emotions within the women they're with, & some women (or men in some cases) are drawn to anyone capable of giving them that high. Anyone else would just be considered too boring.


True, I think. My relationships have always been very full on and intense. However, what is boring to one person is not to a other.



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