What should i do if im love with my best friend?



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Zacks
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04 Mar 2009, 4:39 pm

Im in a very bad situation at the moment. As i mentioned above, im in love with my best friend who is a girl and she knows.. i told her. When i told her my feelings, she said she loves me and im very important for her me but only like friend, but she did add, that when we got to knew each other she wanted me to become her boyfriend. The thing is she has a boyfriend who is a friend of mine. Not so close friend but still a friend. Even though she knows i love her, she still wants me around. We tried to keep a few days distance from each other but failed. She was the one who phoned me 3 out of 4 times and wanted everything to go 'back as it was'..with her words. We speak almost every day or at least message each other. She says she loves me and told me that i am her soul-mate, more than once.
If i don't call or don't message for some reason, she gets irritated and flips out or does the same to me, kinda like a revenge..even if i explain why i was busy. The real twist is..that she admitted that she's in love with her boyfriend, yet when i see them together the only one who expresses his feelings is the guy and because of this they almost broke up 3 times. There's one more thing: she like to joke often about sex related stuff, almost everything you can relate to the act.
Her boyfriend is my friend, she loves me and im her soul-mate, she in love with her boyfriend, she jokes about sex..yet, she always tells me that she's only joking, nothing serious.
any suggestions to keep my sanity?



protest_the_hero
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04 Mar 2009, 4:48 pm

I didn't read your pst as it was way too long. The crush will pass. Just stay friends and you'll fall in love with someone else.



TheMidnightJudge
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04 Mar 2009, 5:10 pm

Been there.Exactly this situation. I have two words:
Psychotic melodrama.

She will drag your poor heart around, sending signals and telling you how strongly she feels. But as long as she is still with her boyfriend it won't get anywhere, and if it does then it's wrong. You won't get what you want out of her unless she ends her relationship with her boyfriend.

Now, your situation may be different than mine, I can't be sure. In my case the boyfriend was incredibly clingy. Maybe the other guy in this case will give up when he realizes what's going on. But just don't fall into crazy games like this. It's an illusion unless you make it something real. Trust me.


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04 Mar 2009, 5:28 pm

You're just going to have to let this one flow, I'm afraid. If something happens, it'll happen, but it'll have to be from her end. Don't expect anything, and try to move on. Trust me with that last part, it's the only way to keep you 'sane'. Absorb yourself in something, anything, but stay aware of how you feel.

It's hard because limerence like you have is obsessive and compulsive. Just remember that, and that it'll pass, and even if she wants you when it does, that is actually much better without the limerence in place because of all the problems it brings. Then you may enjoy something even fuller, deeper, than when your brain just wanted you to get with her at all costs.

Make sense? I hope so.



Zacks
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04 Mar 2009, 5:33 pm

TheMidnightJudge wrote:
Been there.Exactly this situation. I have two words:
Psychotic melodrama.

She will drag your poor heart around, sending signals and telling you how strongly she feels. But as long as she is still with her boyfriend it won't get anywhere, and if it does then it's wrong. You won't get what you want out of her unless she ends her relationship with her boyfriend.

Now, your situation may be different than mine, I can't be sure. In my case the boyfriend was incredibly clingy. Maybe the other guy in this case will give up when he realizes what's going on. But just don't fall into crazy games like this. It's an illusion unless you make it something real. Trust me.


That's exactly the case here aswell. The guy is so clingy that he basically ended up without a life outside his relationship. The girl is clingy too, otherswise this scenario wouldn't take place..maybe there really is something to the "Psychotic melodrama".
This guy isn't a very bright person so i assume he dosen't see what's happening around him and with him..and as long as he has a girlfriend he'll be desperate to keep her. I just would like to get out of this..hand in hand with my sanity.



CelticGoddess
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04 Mar 2009, 5:34 pm

How old are you guys?



Zacks
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04 Mar 2009, 5:49 pm

Orbyss wrote:
You're just going to have to let this one flow, I'm afraid. If something happens, it'll happen, but it'll have to be from her end. Don't expect anything, and try to move on. Trust me with that last part, it's the only way to keep you 'sane'. Absorb yourself in something, anything, but stay aware of how you feel.

It's hard because limerence like you have is obsessive and compulsive. Just remember that, and that it'll pass, and even if she wants you when it does, that is actually much better without the limerence in place because of all the problems it brings. Then you may enjoy something even fuller, deeper, than when your brain just wanted you to get with her at all costs.

Make sense? I hope so.


Yes it makes sense. To be a little bit poetic...there's a war going on within me. The war of thought and emotion.
I am asking for help, beacuse in my present state i cannot think logically and only end up with an arrow of action..that at the end is divided into 4-5 possibilities, variation. With speculation i end up killing only neurons and time.
This is a devil's circle. And a pretty well built one indeed. Well if anything happens, it won't be too pleasent.



Zacks
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04 Mar 2009, 5:50 pm

CelticGoddess wrote:
How old are you guys?


Im 19, she's 17. Turns 18 in a couple of months.



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04 Mar 2009, 5:56 pm

That's a very tough call to make. I would just keep that a secret for now. If you tell her, she might not have anything to do with you anymore. Not that it is certain to happen but I wouldn't take that risk right now. Having her in your life as just a friend is better than not having her in your life at all.


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04 Mar 2009, 6:05 pm

Social_Fantom wrote:
That's a very tough call to make. I would just keep that a secret for now. If you tell her, she might not have anything to do with you anymore. Not that it is certain to happen but I wouldn't take that risk right now. Having her in your life as just a friend is better than not having her in your life at all.


And if she stays in your life long enough, you'll get used to it... although it can take on the order of years and may require you becoming attracted to someone else for a while before you get to said point...

It's happened in my life: back in the summer before I started high school, I was in love with this girl I knew. I was also much more awkward back then than even now (and I'm still very awkward today)... anyway, I made a move on her, which promptly was rejected (remember, awkward), and sent me into three years of depression (aka unrequited love)... The most important thing, though: I eventually emerged from that, and now I'm good friends with her to this day. Am I still in love with her? Yes, probably even moreso than I ever was back then. The important thing is, though, can I live with it, even though most likely I will never actually get into a relationship with her? That answer is also yes. Can I still feel attraction to other women? Also yes.

So it need not be dangerous to a friendship, as long as you're not basing your hopes of any love at all on this woman... that's the important thing to get over...



Zacks
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04 Mar 2009, 6:35 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
And if she stays in your life long enough, you'll get used to it... although it can take on the order of years and may require you becoming attracted to someone else for a while before you get to said point...

It's happened in my life: back in the summer before I started high school, I was in love with this girl I knew. I was also much more awkward back then than even now (and I'm still very awkward today)... anyway, I made a move on her, which promptly was rejected (remember, awkward), and sent me into three years of depression (aka unrequited love)... The most important thing, though: I eventually emerged from that, and now I'm good friends with her to this day. Am I still in love with her? Yes, probably even moreso than I ever was back then. The important thing is, though, can I live with it, even though most likely I will never actually get into a relationship with her? That answer is also yes. Can I still feel attraction to other women? Also yes.

So it need not be dangerous to a friendship, as long as you're not basing your hopes of any love at all on this woman... that's the important thing to get over...


I've been in this situation too and the other way around. Sadly enough, i think we let each other too close and too fast.
We practically know everything about each other. There even were a couple of nights when i couldn't sleep and i wrote a txt and asked if everything is alright..and she wrote back, No. She had some terrible nightmare and was frightenned like hell. A week later the same thing happened to me..she coudn't sleep and was wondering if everything is ok, and i told her this time i got a nightmare that scared the living cells out of my hair. Damn, we have so much in common it would take me a couple of minutes to enumerate it all. All those little signal she continuously gives me, the tone of her voice, how she smiles when she sees me, the long hugs, the tender kisses..these are the things that drive me, to Wonderland.



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04 Mar 2009, 8:58 pm

Zacks wrote:

beacuse in my present state i cannot think logically and only end up with an arrow of action..that at the end is divided into 4-5 possibilities, variation. With speculation i end up killing only neurons and time. This is a devil's circle. And a pretty well built one indeed.



I suggest you physically write it all out. Make a flowchart if need be, or whatever works for you. It gives you something concrete to look back to when the mind is getting wild on you, and at least to me the "written word" makes it all seem somewhat more objective and less crazy. I did this in an almost identical situation and state of mind; everything ended up working out, not perfectly, but very well all things considered. But more importantly, it slowed down and eased my mind through the whole process.

It would probably do you no good for me to speak on the actual action plan, as there is no way I or anyone else can truly understand the logistics of the situation.

Just think smart, not hard



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16 Sep 2009, 8:28 am

Falling inlove to a friend is such a romantic way of having the best partner in life..but, sometimes, friends are only meant to be friends :(


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ToadOfSteel
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16 Sep 2009, 9:25 am

visnofskygirl wrote:
Falling inlove to a friend is such a romantic way of having the best partner in life..but, sometimes, friends are only meant to be friends :(


So how can you tell the difference? I've been finding out that I can only fall in love someone if she's already a friend... I'm just not that attracted to strangers at all...



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16 Sep 2009, 9:50 am

Man, you're screwed...



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