Needs to be perfect- causing problems

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trialanderror
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04 Mar 2009, 6:28 pm

I am having a bit of trouble with my 10 yo aspie son. He is very mild, so he has very little AS interference in his life, thank goodness. Unfortunately it is not all laughs and giggles for him. He has developed a nasty habit of expecting too much of himself. He loves soccer, especially goalie. If he misses a block he melts down right there on the field, crying, kicking clumps of grass up, and he is lost to the game for the rest of the day. THey just remove him. He has always benefited from a break and being "forced" to face the demon, but this perfection is not letting go. He has developed this in school as well. Right now he is doing cursive. He loves it and his writing is actually legible now. THe downside is that he was never taught it last year when he should have and they did not force it in the old school. I practiced with him at home, but he is just getting to full sentences when we moved and they require all writing all day in cursive. Although he is doing so much better than expected with it, he is upset that he is not as fast as the kids that have been doing it for a few years. The teacher, his dad and I are constantly praising his efforts and reminding him that with practice it will become second nature, but that is not enough. He wants perfection now. He has never wanted to work to get anywhere and it is really causing a problem now. He wants perfection without the effort and that is just not practical. I know, AS does not talk in practicality all the time, so what can I do to reduce his stress and help him understand that he is doing great and he needs to get up and try again until he gets it right?



postpaleo
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07 Mar 2009, 7:08 am

Saw this the other day and got side tracked, sorry.

For what it's worth. In his mind he sees perfect, he knows how it looks, that is a reward. In the doing it, it doesn't fit the mental image. Reward the image, reinforce the thoughts to get the image there.

I was sitting in the office with a fellow Archaeologist, he looked over at me and he said, "you know, sometimes it's a good thing to be so anal retentive". He was right. We strove to be perfect when in the field, in the office, lab work, writing, the fine details in all we did. We knew what it looked like, some of the best could get it right doing a feature for the pictures in one go over, I never could. I was envious to say the least, but my unit walls were an envy and I did them fast. Practice. And I never missed much when screening, I was so myopic. Where I would run into trouble was, I kept reinterpreting features, things of special importance, the real mistake I made was voicing it. The methodology was always sound, no matter what the interruption was. However once in a while my reinterpretation was right and I had to stick to my guns. And I know damn well there were some that were on the spectrum in the line of work. We were all a strange bunch. It was the only job I ever felt really at home in. Reinforce the thought process, the rest will come later.

Think it was Norman Mailer that said something like this, If I don't cringe too badly at it, I put it up. Me, well, I cringe so badly at what I write, I would never put up anything at all. I got over it, but I still cringe.

But in a way, one of the sharpest things I ever heard was said by a famous baseball umpire and of course I forgot his name, so this won't come out perfect. :lol:
He said, umpiring baseball, you go out for the very first time and you're perfect and then you get better.

Like I said, for what it's worth.



grizeldatee
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07 Mar 2009, 9:19 am

My oldest is now 14. At age 9 we were almost immobilized by his need for perfection. We worked hard on getting him to accept "good enough." Now, we wouldn't mind if he traveled back toward things a bit more perfect. It seems that a teenager's "good enough" doesn't quite match his parents' "good enough." Be careful what you work toward. ;)


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2ukenkerl
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07 Mar 2009, 10:50 am

grizeldatee wrote:
My oldest is now 14. At age 9 we were almost immobilized by his need for perfection. We worked hard on getting him to accept "good enough." Now, we wouldn't mind if he traveled back toward things a bit more perfect. It seems that a teenager's "good enough" doesn't quite match his parents' "good enough." Be careful what you work toward. ;)


Yeah, I said earlier here that I WAS a perfectionist! IMAGINE!

I couldn't slip up on a piece of wood because, if I did, I had to make it look INTENTIONAL, and then do others the SAME way! In a way, my mothers jewelry box was an example of this. When someone pushed me into a sander, ONE corner got hurt, so I beveled each corner.

I couldn't drop ANYTHING! If I did, I HAD to pick it up. If something spilled, I HAD to clean it up. If, in cleaning it up, the portion was obviously better, I had to clean the WHOLE floor.

A friend of mine called my bike a show bike. I was ALWAYS making it better, etc...

I got electronic and mechanic magazines, and I had to understand EVERYTHING!

I got a computer, and I wanted to use only software *I* created.

Ever since I was 7, and even to today, I have become less and less of a perfectionist. My place is a MESS(though maids are surprised when THEY see it because it is cleaner than other places by then)! I no longer pick up every little thing.

I no longer improve things endlessly.

I no longer have to understand EVERYTHING.

I now use other people's software.

I REGULARLY release stuff that is not PERFECT(though I pride myself, on average, on being better than almost anyone else).