Passive aggressive behavior in my dates

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makuranososhi
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15 Mar 2009, 12:20 pm

Space wrote:
I have noticed, the last few dating experiences I have had have gone like this:

I date the girl once to four times, I think everything is ok, they say they will call me and that they had fun, and then they will not pick up my calls, respond to my messages, or call me back.

This is very passive-aggressive behavior.

My second problem. The women will not give me a straight answer when I wonder what is wrong, and I am basically left hanging. One girl, I had to hear it 3rd hand what went wrong on our date. What did I do that was so bad? I basically make a harmless comment about something that she got offended by (nothing or a racist, sexist, homophobic nature), and then decided to write me off then. This despite being A) generally well mannered B) dressing well in nice clothes and being physically fit and C) paying for the dinner/movie etc.

So my problem is two-fold. I do something that I don't even realize is offensive to a girl, she won't tell me what it is, and then instead of even addressing what is wrong, she claims that everything is great and we'll see each other again, at which point I get the passive-aggressive avoidance of any contact.

This is the sh1t that pisses me off. I work so hard to get up to par with NT people, work on my looks, social skills, become a better person, actually GET a date, nothing really bad happens, and then I get this crap. I am a pretty honest and upfront person, and I will never figure out what is wrong in these scenarios. I guess that means I am socially ret*d? It's hard to even concentrate on the point of dating and figuring out what I want (I am #1 after all), when I have to be all worried about offending someone by simple and innocent behavior when they won't even tell me what I did wrong.

Anyway, this sh** pisses me off. I am apparantly going on a date tonight with a girl I met on plentyoffish, hopefully my efforts will pay off this time.


Being clean, presentable, polite and chivalrous will help you in getting dates; they will not make them successful ones all by themselves. You are going to offend some people; others, there will simply not be a sufficient connection. Complaining about their behavior is not going to attract another woman to you; it can signal that you either do not accept responsibility, have a deeper issue with women in general, or are uncomfortable with the complaining. Just because you have a date is no guarantee of anything happening other than spending some time together. That's it - any expectation of more should be reconsidered, in my opinion. It's not so much passive-aggressive as passive-offensive... they are expressing their level of interest through non-communication, which is pretty irksome to me - but we don't determine how others act and behave. Another thing - even with the self-improvement... if you don't believe in it, if the confidence is feigned or blatantly artificial, then it will not have the desired effect. There are some things that are apparent no matter how fine a suit we put on them; try to become more comfortable with yourself at the same time.


M.


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Space
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15 Mar 2009, 3:42 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:
To the OP:

You're overthinking it, and probably by that making the react even worse to you.

Have you seen the movie Swingers? If not, watch it very soon, then think about it, and in multiple ways. The lessons, the theme, etc.

And really, maybe you're not doing anything really wrong -- these chicks just aren't into you. You gotta find the right one. You can't bemoan "What can I fix with myself?" or "They're all too fickle" --- sooner or later, something like that is going to happen with someone who isn't right for you. Most people are not compatible for long term relationships with eachother -- you have to find the 2% that are, and that's by trial and error, and maybe in better choices in who you date.

I swingers years ago. All I remember is that you are supposed to look "money".



NeantHumain
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15 Mar 2009, 5:40 pm

I always took it as normal behavior that, if a woman isn't interested in you, she'll just drop all contact suddenly without explanation. I had a date go well without further contact except a text message saying to call her back after I suggested some film festival via text message; oddly she never answered.



billsmithglendale
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15 Mar 2009, 6:39 pm

Space wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
To the OP:

You're overthinking it, and probably by that making the react even worse to you.

Have you seen the movie Swingers? If not, watch it very soon, then think about it, and in multiple ways. The lessons, the theme, etc.

And really, maybe you're not doing anything really wrong -- these chicks just aren't into you. You gotta find the right one. You can't bemoan "What can I fix with myself?" or "They're all too fickle" --- sooner or later, something like that is going to happen with someone who isn't right for you. Most people are not compatible for long term relationships with eachother -- you have to find the 2% that are, and that's by trial and error, and maybe in better choices in who you date.

I swingers years ago. All I remember is that you are supposed to look "money".


Ignore that money BS and read between the lines in what goes on in the movie. Lots of advice on how men and women come off on eachother, how women smell desperation, and what ultimately can make you happy. More dating isn't necessarily happiness -- the right person is.



techstepgenr8tion
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15 Mar 2009, 11:09 pm

Space, maybe your being too hard on them though?

I know the feedback issue drives you crazy, as an aspie, because you feel that whatever it is that they found wrong with you - you tend to think that its something that you need to be aware of to fix. The more I think about it the more I doubt its really like that.

For instance, the girl who you offended with a subtle comment about something, if it was more than fine in context and if she either just wasn't liking your sense of humor or had a different set of values, probably best to leave it at that? You also have to remember that ugly little fact that we're not in control of who we're attracted to - we can be nice to them, we can try to enjoy their company, and quite often you can have a really nagging pettiness that obliterates the chemistry and of course if she has big ears or there's something about her that your not comfortable talking about, of course you wouldn't be obligated - especially when its a side of you that you ignore completely on principle when your dealing with people just on a friend or acquaintance basis; having to kiss or wake up next to someone on a regular basis is a much different story and your mind keeps you well aware of that.

Plenty of women will turn you off, you'll turn off plenty of women. The logistics of this game really suck but we're still stuck playing it and I think the only way it gets easier is acknowledging that when women don't call you back - not your fault, and if it an AS trait - can you beat it out of yourself or discipline it out of yourself permanently? If the answer is no and you know that the trait that likely turned her off is a fixture in your personality or being - that also, not your fault, in that case she's just as much not your type as your not hers and she did you the favor of removing herself from the situation.

All that said - if your friends point out that you lets say violated some major social custom on dating that you hadn't been aware of, that's something you can use. Otherwise, when its personal preference shutting you out, if they're just not feeling you, well....good to know that your both human and in the same situation as everyone else in the world. A bad habit of mine for years was carrying AS around in the back of my head that was an explanation for everything that went wrong, it had me blaming myself constantly for other people's reactions, whereas I learned that the difference between me and my NT friends on this is that they could tell when something wasn't their fault or knew when not to internalize as well as how.