When is it okay to hug someone?



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Mophesh
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Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:10 pm

I really want to give a friend of mine a hug, but I don't want to creep her out. She gives all her other friends hugs all the time, so if I were to give her one, it shouldn't creep her out, right? But, I don't usually touch people that much, and I don't consider myself to be likable, so I don't know.


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xalepax
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Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:16 pm

Choose the appropiate moment and then simply ask her "can I give you a hug?" By that you prepare her for it (and even yourself) Probably she wouldnt say no and wouldnt mind it as she seemes to be in this manner already. But to first ask it, then get her fast confirmation and then directly afterwards you do hug her - can make it all feel it as an comfortable compromise solution for you


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muffrudge
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Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:49 pm

Assuming that you're as close to this girl as the friends she hugs, I'd say go for it.

But honestly, I've known some people at college who start hugging you if you've talked on a couple of occasions, heh. I quite like/liked the people I'm thinking of and therefore had no objection to their hugging of me, but I always thought it slightly presumptuous on their parts - how could they know people liked them and so wouldn't be averse to physical contact with them?

I know what you mean about feeling unlikeable, so I just reserve hugging for people I think like me. I think that maybe fear of rejection (probably founded on experience) is part of what makes people with AS remote and introverted.



Last edited by muffrudge on Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sgrannel
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Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:07 pm

Someone is ready to be hugged when she faces you and holds her arms out in anticipation. Usually these are events that occur when greeting or departing. I used to run up to classmates and grab them in a hug, sort of like playing tag. It's weird how I now know that's inappropriate, and I grew out of it by 4th grade or so. There wasn't anything sexual about it.

Has anyone approached people and hugged them inappropriately? Did you grow out of that?


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Crocodile
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Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:22 pm

Here, in Holland, we don't hug as much as you Americans do, so i don't have that much experience regarding that matter, altough we do hug, but just less often. I never hug. I let the other take the initiative- or not. Whenever someone wants to hug me, I go along with it. I let the other person decide when to hug, in which case I'm safe and it's always appropriate, since this person mostly is NT.


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pavel_filonov
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Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:47 pm

Its probably ok to hug her upon meeting and saying goodbye, if you just do it like its normal. Bear in mind that she might hug her other friends but not you because she perceives you as someone who wouldn't like it - maybe you give the impression of being a bit aloof?



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Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:52 pm

Crocodile wrote:
Here, in Holland, we don't hug as much as you Americans do, so i don't have that much experience regarding that matter, altough we do hug, but just less often. I never hug. I let the other take the initiative- or not. Whenever someone wants to hug me, I go along with it. I let the other person decide when to hug, in which case I'm safe and it's always appropriate, since this person mostly is NT.


That's true, it probably depends on your culture (for example I know they hug a lot in Mexico. They also stand much closer when talking then Americans do.) but where I live I give everyone hugs and people rarely get weirded out. I'm a guy too, and here it's not quite as acceptable for guys to hug all the time as girls, but if you pick your moments right you should be able to affectively hug someone without it being weird. If your friend seems uncomfortable, then obviously you shouldn't keep hugging her, but I don't think anyone's going to hold it against you for hugging them. Usually I know it's okay because when I regularly start hugging someone, when they see me eventually they start initiating the hug.



ptown
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Sat Mar 21, 2009 10:52 am

i'm an NT who thinks hugs are always okay...i work with teens and i hug them all time time. can you be direct and just ASK her for a hug when you want one? i think if you ask for a hug a few times, after a while, it will become 2nd nature and you'll get hugs without asking. my aspie friend has hugged me twice. i am going to tell him i want a daily hug. i'll be brave. you try, too.



Kenjitsuka
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Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:44 pm

My uncle and mother always hug me when they see me.
It is a standard procedure...

The only other time I know it's warranted is when someone crying grabs me, and as they cling they tend to want my arms around them.
I feel nothing except great anxiousness and freeze completley, but they seem to appreciate it.



khelben1979
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Sun Apr 05, 2009 12:25 pm

ptown wrote:
i'm an NT who thinks hugs are always okay...i work with teens and i hug them all time time. can you be direct and just ASK her for a hug when you want one? i think if you ask for a hug a few times, after a while, it will become 2nd nature and you'll get hugs without asking. my aspie friend has hugged me twice. i am going to tell him i want a daily hug. i'll be brave. you try, too.


For myself, hugs is generally not okay (I didn't like it as a child either). When I feel something strongly for another person, then I can appreciate getting hugs, but for me it always feels very, very personal, so... that's how I feel about it.

I would get angry if someone gave me a hug forcefully (and I have experienced this in the past) and I suspect that many others feel in the same way.


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Fidget
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Sun Apr 05, 2009 2:34 pm

khelben1979 wrote:
ptown wrote:
i'm an NT who thinks hugs are always okay...i work with teens and i hug them all time time. can you be direct and just ASK her for a hug when you want one? i think if you ask for a hug a few times, after a while, it will become 2nd nature and you'll get hugs without asking. my aspie friend has hugged me twice. i am going to tell him i want a daily hug. i'll be brave. you try, too.


I would get angry if someone gave me a hug forcefully (and I have experienced this in the past) and I suspect that many others feel in the same way.


No, I'm pretty sure that's just an issue you have. I've hugged just about everyone I appreciate even just a little bit, and I've never once had anyone get angry at me for it. Then again, if someone seemed to be uncomfortable with it I would stop hugging them and know better next time, but that rarely happens.



misswoofalot
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Sun Apr 05, 2009 2:48 pm

I personally hate hugging ,but I'm from UK and we don't hug often (infact I'd love to live in Japan where they just bow lol) but it's used as a greeting in US right? So maybe offer a hug when you greet her.



khelben1979
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Sun Apr 05, 2009 4:16 pm

misswoofalot wrote:
I personally hate hugging ,but I'm from UK and we don't hug often (infact I'd love to live in Japan where they just bow lol) but it's used as a greeting in US right? So maybe offer a hug when you greet her.


I have trained Kendo and in Kendo it's very important to bow before sensei and so on and for me it felt more natural than hugging.

I think I would love japan! :)


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Jsmitheh
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Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:25 am

I can only handle hugs when I'm drunk. My arms go everywhere, I don't know where to put them and it just feels awkward for me. I remember a few years ago in year 9 this girl who was in my class came up to me and tried to hug me, and she showed how to do it properly, then we hugged at the start of each class.



Homer_Bob
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Mon Apr 06, 2009 8:25 pm

I've had those feelings too about others. Something in me might want to give "a certain girl" a hug but I can't do it because its just not my style and if I did it, she'd probably think of it in the wrong way. The only time I feel like I could hug her is if she was upset about something and I tried to make her feel better.



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