Schools?

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I’m feeling really horrible about this and have to get it out in a place people will understand and help.

We’re contemplating the possibility of sending our boy to a specialized school.

Let me explain - He’s 15 and is not getting the help he needs in school. He’s not doing badly, but he and the school have hit a plateau and neither are progress. The school is fighting against us every step of the way and he’s the one suffering for it.

We want him to be able to go to college in the future and thrive. We want him to be able to live on his own, fend for himself and have a happy life.

He doesn’t have issues with being away from home and actually does better when away from home and his brother and sister. He does better when he has to fend for himself and doesn’t expect things done for him, as he does at home. When he goes to Boy Scout Camp in the summer he comes out of his shell and does things for himself that he normally wouldn’t do at home. That’s why I think he might do great at a school.

He also doesn’t have many real behavioral issues. He gets frustrated and might yell a word or two, but he doesn’t have a violent bone in his body.


My biggest problem is that I feel like I’m trying to get rid of him, or think others might see it that way. I love him dearly, but honestly it might be the best thing for him in the long - or even short - run. I feel like crap about the whole idea and I’m totally lost when trying to look for a school for him. I have no clue what to look for, where to look, what is best, etc. I know there’s nothing right around here as we live in Maine and there’s so few resources up/over here.

Any words of wisdom, ideas, help, etc, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time in reading my wordy ramblings.

I know this is easier said than done, but you shouldn't feel bad about this. You're trying to do what is best for your son, and you know him and his strengths better than anyone. If the current school situation is detrimental to his well-being then looking for a better alternative is what you have to do.

I'm in Scotland, so can't offer anything advice about schools in your part of the world.

A friend of mine has a 12 year old son with Asperger's and he was having terrible problems at school. The last time I spoke to her, she was talking about sending him to a residential school for children on the Spectrum. She lives on an island, and the school is on the mainland, so it would be a big change for him.

She talked it through with her son, and they planned to visit the school to see what he thought about it. I haven't been in contact with her recently so don't know how things turned out. Her son was quite keen on the idea, though.

Have you talked about this idea with your son? How does/do you think he'll feel about it?

What does your son have to say about it? At 15, I would consider his feelings and input on the matter very highly. If he's excited about the idea, run with it and never look back.

*From what I can tell, I think you are talking about sending your son to a boarding school. However since you didnt say it directly, it is possible that I misunderstood you. If this is not the case then please clarify so I can make my response more appropriate.*

To be honest, if I was given the option to attend a specialized school away from home at age 15 I would have jumped at the chance. This may have had more to do with my unpleasant mother, but I can see that there might be other reasons to attend. If your son wants to go and you are OK with him doing so, then by all means dont pass up this opportunity just because of what other people will think. To put it simply, would you prefer people think you are sending your son off to get the help he needs, or would you rather they think you are a horrible parent when he flunks out of school due to massive anxiety, or fails at life because he didnt get the chance to learn what he needs to know? Obviously I am probably overstating the negative outcomes, but the point still is that you know what works for your son better then other people who dont live with him. As I am sure you have told your son many times, dont give in to peer pressure, do what you know is right even if other people think less of you because of it. If you send your son off to get the help he needs even though you will miss him, then that makes you a wonderful and caring parent who is more concerned about the welfare of her child then her own happiness. Never think for a second that you are using this as an excuse to get rid of a child that you love.

Although a few words of warning:

1. Make sure that your son is 100% on board with this decision.

If your son is doing OK at his current setting then keep in mind things can get much worse. I know that no parent wants there kids to just be OK, they want great. But if your son is firmly against this plan, then he will have massive anxiety/depression when you force him to go. At that point he wont thrive no matter how good this school is, in fact he will have more problems then if you just let him stay where he is. Make sure you talk this over with your son thoroughly, and get his input before you decide his future. This should be a collaborative decision from both of you designed to improve his future.

2. Find out what this school will do differently. Since you arent happy with your current situation, and would like it to change, find out exactly what will change. Will he be learning different things? Is the class room size smaller? Are things taught in a different way? Basically, find out why this school claims it will be a good match for your son. Good advertising claiming a 'nurturing environment' is good on brochures, but it doesnt tell you what the school will be doing specifically to make things better for your son.

3. THOROUGHLY!! !! ! research the school you are sending him to, and make sure your son sees all the info you see. The more your son knows about this school, the better it will be for him.

Is it a normal boarding school that has limited experience with autistic people? Is it a normal boarding school that has a sizable minority of children with AS/HFA? Is it a school specifically catered to autistic people? Simply put if this school doesnt have much first hand experience with your type of child then they are unlikely to be a better fit then a local private school. Having a disabilities department can help sometimes, but your public school also has a disabilities department (required by law) and as you can see that didnt help you. If you are going to spend money, and have your child live away from home, its probably a good idea to make sure that the school has more then a 'textbook' knowledge of what autism is. The school doesnt have to be exclusively for autistic people, just make sure that there is enough of them that your son isnt the odd ball out.

What type of education do the students receive, and is it appropriate for your son? If your son is HFA, and they treat him like he is mentally ret*d (try to teach him the basics of how to dress himself) then he wont be learning very much. Likewise if they try to teach your son like he is normal when he has severe learning difficulties then he wont learn much that way.

How do they handle support? This is very important! While the average college dorms dont have any support, your child at 15 probably isnt ready to be independent just yet. Especially if he is developing late (as is common with autism). I know that I could handle my own tasks and be comfortable alone by age 15. Simply put, I knew how to keep things clean enough to live in, I knew how to microwave dinner for myself, and I knew how to schedule my time so I could be where I was needed on time. However, at age 15 I wouldnt have been able to drive, or do simple things like shopping. I can now go out an shop fine, but at age 15 it would have been far to overwhelming for me to try and handle that alone. Your son may not need people to follow him around and change his clothes for him, but he still needs some support. That being said, find out how much support/supervision is given, and find out if that will work for your son.

How strict are they with the rules? Do they try to over-regulate his time? I.E. only 1 hour of gaming per night, lights out by 8 pm, etc. Do they under-regulate him and just let him fend for himself and figure things out on his own? A child who has problems with time management could probably benefit from some regulations. Just make sure that the school doesnt go overboard and try to regulate your son to death. When I was looking at colleges for myself, I considered a place called Kettering University. They have a requirement that all freshmen must live on the dorms unless they are married or over age 21. The dorm rooms are hooked up through a internet proxy which prevents access to online games. And there is no cable television. Even though this was the best school that I looked at in terms of value and education, I decided not to go because I didnt want to lose my primary source of entertainment. While the more social people did fine by just hanging out with each other and playing Halo or other console games, that really wouldn't have worked for me. While I am not misanthropic, the idea of relying on other people for all my entertainment wasn't something I was willing to accept. Overall, while I did lose something by not attending that college, I also didnt have a nervous breakdown. In summary, find out what the rules are and make sure your son is willing to go along with them. This shouldn't be something you have to coerce him into. If the rules wind up making him miserable then you really haven't accomplished anything. After all, your son isnt lazy or selfish, so your not trying to send him to boot camp. Your trying to send him to a place where he can be himself and thrive. An overload of rules and regulations is one of the surest ways to kill anybody's sense of freedom and independence.

How do they handle discipline? If humans didnt need discipline then we wouldnt have police. The fact that police exists seems to indicate that discipline is an important part of life no matter what age you are. However while I am all in favor of disciplining people, I would prefer it be done in a way which serves to educate and motive the person while being as forgiving and kind as possible. Helping people overcome mistakes and develop self control is the primary purpose of discipline. However, there are some people who use the term discipline as an excuse to be vindictive and harm people who dont conform to their expectations. Being nagged at and complained at, and threatened non stop because you didnt get an A on your last exam isnt going to help anybody. Find out how the school handles discipline, and what sort of things they discipline for. Make sure that your child understands this.

What is the average day like? I assume there is a progression of waking/preparing for day, then school, then after school activities, then sleep. But what kind of after school activities are there? Is there time where your son can be alone and unwind? I know that a lot of autism 'therapies' talk about constantly having your child interact with others to improve social skills but I can guarantee you that what autistic people need more then anything else is just some time alone during the day. Find out what the average day/week will be like, and as with all things share this with your son and make sure he is fine with it.

There are many many more things that could go into this category, but I think this is a good start. Try to think of other things you want to ask about, such as how do they handle religion, or dating amongst the students, or whatever. Remember, that the more you know, the better.

4. Talk with other parents who send their children to this school and ALSO TALK TO THE CHILDREN! I know it seems odd to ask a child for advice but they are the ones with the inside information. All your going to get from the school itself is just a carefully scripted public image. And parents dont live there, so they really dont know what its like inside. Make sure you talk to the children who attend this school and see if their stories match up with what the official story is. If the school isnt willing to give you the phone numbers of other parents or students then you dont want to send your son there. The school may not give out that information for security concerns, but they should at least direct you to a web forum, or other group where the parents can meet and talk. When an organization refuses to let the people they are 'helping' talk for themselves, then thats a sign they arent helping.

5. Figure out some method of communication between you and your son. Perhaps he can come home on the weekends, or give your a call every other day or something like that. While I'm sure the school does everything it can to prevent abuse, it still happens more then it should. Having a way for your child to call for help is very very important. And also while your child doesnt mind leaving home, he probably still has an emotional attachment to you, and likewise you to him. Simply seeing or talking to each other can make things much better.

Perhaps if you gave the name of the school, or a website we might be able to give you more information. Hopefully you found this helpful.

I would suggest if you are thinking of sending him away for school and he seems to thrive away from home that you try a regular boarding school. They generally have fewer students so staff can do one on one if he needs help and then he doesn't have to deal with the stigma of going to a specialized school.

I went to a private school for high school (pre-diagnosis) and it did a world of good for my self esteem and involvement in school. Public school didn't work for me because they were to big, teachers didn't care and bullies followed you from one level of school to the next. Also I know the school I attended had a number of diagnosed students on the spectrum who flourished while there.

We're looking at specialty schools for him. He needs a lot of day to day help and would not thrive at a regular boarding school for that reason.

This is something very new we've been discussing, only this past week, and have not even brought the idea up to him. I know that will be a big part of it, but we just wanted to see what was out there before we broached the subject with him.

We're trying to get our ducks in a row and a few ideas together to take to him. He doesn't deal with with deciding on things, but he is very unhappy in our local school and he's not doing well because of how they're treating him.

I think I'm having more of an issue with this than his father because I'm the new 'stepmom' (even though we're not yet married). I fell like I'm the horrible one who is trying to make the child get out of the house so I can have his father all to myself. I know that's not true. There's two other children in the house and we're looking into this because he needs it, not because we want him to leave. There's just that stigma because I'm new to the family, etc.

Thanks for being so positive and helpful. We (his father and I) spent some serious time talking about this last night, looking at schools online and thinking up a list of questions we need answered. We're not even sure it's possible due to the costs. We're blown away at the prices. But we're going to keep plugging away at it and see what we can come up with.

Thanks to everybody for your support.

i'd make sure that whatever school you decide upon is a realistic option before talking to him about it.........why raise his anxiety level for something that you *might* be able to afford....or for that matter, the school might not even take him......better check into it more.

I don't know if this helps, but I was diagnosed with autism when I was about 3, unfortunately at that time there wasn't much in the way of help for ppl with autism, at least not 'positive' help in my parents eyes. I went to public school for kindergarten, grade one and grade two, and although I had alot of help from my parents they realized it wasn't working for me, so they decided to try private school (i'm in my mid forties). Apparently they looked around and found one that would accomodate me, the classes only had 12-15 students each, the teachers were great at motivating and there was never really any need for much mediating between students. I only did the boarding school part for about a year and then returned to just going everyday. Both of our (my wife and I) children are autistic, the older one went to boarding school for 2 years (it was decided by all, we were unhappy with any help they were giving in the public high school), she was constantly overwhelmed, and the staff depite her diagnosis, didn't know how to deal with her, regardless of the fact that we communicated with them on a regular basis. To be honest some days I think they would have preferred to just give her drugs rather than deal with her. Anyway, with lengthy discussions within the family and her approval, we found a private boarding school for her, with class sizes 10-15 students, she did well, unfortunately I think she is going to have to transfer to a different college/university, because although our other child has done well and has blended well in college our older one is having a rough time

I suggest dropping out of school and then self studying for a GED.
Things became very, very bad for me in schools and worsened as I got older.
Began getting discriminated by the principal and teachers.
Went through numerous panic attacks and nervous breakdowns.
They complained that I couldn't do anything.
hehe Love to see their faces now.

Don't forget that meaningless stuff we call homework.
Believe me it doesn't help with the learning process at all.
The school systems are still based off of the old Industrial Revolution age.
Schools are basically factories now.
I have learned far more in self-study in a week than I could in months of school.

I've studied a wide range of sciences including Theoretical Physics and Quantum Physics.