The difference between flirting and just being nice



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MizLiz
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 12:12 pm

I can never tell. :( Sometimes I second guess something and think "He said that to be nice" or I overanalyze something and think "No way... that was him definitely hitting on me."

Surely other people here do that [switch genders where appropriate]. Is there anything I can do to get better at interpreting cues so I don't let an opportunity pass me by? I myself have absolutely no idea how to flirt, so I just sort of... hope other people will come to me.



oddballdeviant
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 12:28 pm

It's a hard thin line. I honestly can't differentiate between whether i'm flirting or i'm just being nice. Everything with me comes out as being flirting, whether that was the intention or not.

Even so, flirting doesn't necessarily mean that they're interested in pursuing you romantically. Flirting is overall just a fun thing to do, and I enjoy flirting with people, even if I don't have an interest in them. That doesn't mean that i'm not interested in some of the people I flirt with though. It makes things harder for you, and I honestly have no advice there, but it's good to establish that line of thought so you don't make some of the same mistakes I did.



Ladarzak
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 1:06 pm

It's complicated, because there's cultural differences. I was a teacher, so I can be very nice as part of my professional demeanour, even though I'm a nasty old grinch by nature. I've been nice out of class and had guys act like I was coming on to them. I had students from Latin America who have facial expressions and other behaviours that would be outrageously fllirty in our culture. It must be a very subtle thing to gauge the right level. I cannot do it.



Willard
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 1:37 pm

I think I usually recognize when I'm being flirted with, but I have difficulty knowing how to respond appropriately in the moment. Sometimes it just clicks, but all too often the moment passes and I'm left with those "Damn, I should have saids..."



Rebecca_L
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:38 pm

I am ALWAYS being accused of flirting when I'm just trying to be nice or polite. It baffles me. I think I'm going to have a lot of t-shirts that say, I don't understand flirting. I don't do it and I don't know if you are. Please, just say what you mean. :D


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pakled
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 2:57 pm

I think flirting could be a possibility of something more serious. Sometimes if you respond to flirting, it can take things to a whole new level. Sometimes it doesn't. Ah, to only know the difference...;)



Holinyx
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 3:35 pm

well since you're female i'll say the guy was hitting on you. there aren't too many guys who just "want to be friends", i don't care what they say. lol. i want to be friends is code for : you're hot and i need to be you're friend before you'll date me, so lets be friends !



Cyberman
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:06 pm

Due to the improbability of a woman hitting on a guy (much less a guy like me), and in order to avoid coming off as "creepy" and "reading too much into something," I always assume that they're "just being nice." It's probably better to err on the side of caution anyway.



Learning2Survive
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 4:54 pm

Cyberman wrote:
Due to the improbability of a woman hitting on a guy (much less a guy like me), and in order to avoid coming off as "creepy" and "reading too much into something," I always assume that they're "just being nice." It's probably better to err on the side of caution anyway.


Same here. I dread being accused of sexual harassment or coming off as a creepy weirdo clumsily hitting on a woman.


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TheKingsRaven
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:40 pm

Holinyx wrote:
well since you're female i'll say the guy was hitting on you. there aren't too many guys who just "want to be friends", i don't care what they say. lol. i want to be friends is code for : you're hot and i need to be you're friend before you'll date me, so lets be friends !


Firstly there are plenty of guys who just want to be friends, my main group of friends at school was pretty much evenly split between men and women and we were all just friends and happy that way.

Secondly that's an awful way to get a date, a successful relationship is built on honesty (plus lots of other stuff).

As for the topic itself, I'm one of those who can't tell the diffrence but apparently everyone around me can tell I'm just being nice so it all works out in the end.



EnglishLulu
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 5:52 pm

I struggle with this as well. One of my exes, he'd fancied me for quite literally years while we were friends and I was totally oblivious, and when we finally got together and I mentioned to mutual friends that I'd had no idea he liked me that and they said they'd all known for ages because it was *obvious* well, to everyone - apart from me - apparently.

And another time a male friend was *obviously* flirting with me, so I kind of went with the flow and responded to what I thought was him making a pass at me. But he wasn't. He's just one of those people who are naturally gregarious and flirty with *everyone*.



Homer_Bob
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:57 pm

As far as I can reckon, flirting is being too nice while being nice is just nice. If a girl gets all playful with you and cutesy and goes out of her way to get your attention; perhaps that is flirting. I'd figure a girl would be flirting with me if she perhaps gave me more attention then anyone else. If she's like that with everyone, then she's just too friendly with people. That's what I would assume anyways.



MizLiz
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:31 pm

EnglishLulu wrote:
I struggle with this as well. One of my exes, he'd fancied me for quite literally years while we were friends and I was totally oblivious, and when we finally got together and I mentioned to mutual friends that I'd had no idea he liked me that and they said they'd all known for ages because it was *obvious* well, to everyone - apart from me - apparently.


ACK! You'd think they'd have said something.

I need to tell my friends to keep an eye out for guys who might like me.



Learning2Survive
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:37 pm

MizLiz wrote:
EnglishLulu wrote:
I struggle with this as well. One of my exes, he'd fancied me for quite literally years while we were friends and I was totally oblivious, and when we finally got together and I mentioned to mutual friends that I'd had no idea he liked me that and they said they'd all known for ages because it was *obvious* well, to everyone - apart from me - apparently.


ACK! You'd think they'd have said something.

I need to tell my friends to keep an eye out for guys who might like me.


I can tell when girls/female coworkers flirt with me. Umm, if a female coworker comes up behind you and tickles you, it's fairly obvious. of course this has nothing to do with real flirting, but where i work there's a lot of flirting going on (i stay out of it and when a female does it to me at work, i run away!! ! my job is too important)


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MissConstrue
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Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:40 pm

I have no idea unless guys are direct which isn't usual.

When I flirt I come off a bit inappropriate or childish....I think. :?


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Last edited by MissConstrue on Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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