The difference between flirting and just being nice

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Keeno
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31 Mar 2009, 4:54 pm

ptown wrote:
He's never had a girlfriend. He says all his girlfriends are internet photos! He said he feels married to his mom and needs to get away from her. I asked him what kind of woman he likes, what actresses or singers he finds attractive and he says all women interest him. He is definitely lonely and definitely a virgin and has never even kissed a female. He does make sexual jokes from time to time and he does ask me questions about sex...


My guess would be, he's comfortable with you on a level where he can ask you questions about sex, as a friend. I think that is how he sees you since he can talk to you like that, without having come on to you. Questions like that might be preparation for other women he might go for or have a chance with in future, which at least I'm sure he's hoping for.



31 Mar 2009, 5:21 pm

I can't really tell either. I learned teasing someone can be flirting. So that means I can flirt because my bf has told me I am flirting with him when I be teasing him, giving him a hard time and seeing what his reactions be when I say things to him.

I know when a guy pokes at your underwear and sticks his fingers in your pants or tugging at the elastic of your pants or underwear, that is flirting.



Angel_Maria
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05 Apr 2009, 5:45 am

See this is a problem i have. I am very friendly and i am always seen as being a flirt when i not i just happy and playful.....
I lost my bf the best thing that ever happened to me because he thought i was always flirting
:cry:


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techstepgenr8tion
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05 Apr 2009, 12:11 pm

More chemistry goes into flirting. If he's flirting and trying to be that innocuous he'll look tense, nervous, a bit vulnerable, its quite possible. I don't know if you can maybe learn to read sexual tension in people's body language, it helps a lot if you can though.



HowlingMad1992
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06 Apr 2009, 8:03 am

There is a very fine line between being nice and flirting.



idiocratik
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23 Sep 2009, 11:16 am

There's a new girl working at this gas station near me. I went in one day and she said I look like I could be a character on Smallville. I told her I'd probably be a villain. The next time I went I used my debit and she said, "do all super villains use debit?". I thought that was a strange remark, but I responded with a "yes". Then a couple days later I go in and she says, "don't zap me with your evil powers". Last night there wasn't any silly remarks. I asked "what's happening?" and she said, "nothing... I get off in two hours..woo".

So, in my mind she's just being nice. Other people have said she's flirting, but I just don't know about that. The times that I've assumed someone was flirting I ended up wrong. And if she IS flirting, I have no idea what to do about that. I hate hints, and I hate guessing, and I'm completely oblivious on what to say.

Last night at a bar this girl walked up to me and asked to use my lighter. I'm handing it to her, but she puts her hands up around her cigarette assuming I was going to light it for her. I'm immediately staring away from her, but she seemed to linger just for a few seconds. That entire experience was chaotic. My friend Albert noticed and pointed out the whole ordeal to me. "She was trying to talk to you, man.."

Even with alcohol in my system, I shut down when women approach me (the rare times that actually happens).


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Shebakoby
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23 Sep 2009, 2:05 pm

I actually do recognize 'flirting'.

But I've never seen flirting /directed at me/ that could even remotely be taken seriously.

In the later stages of being teased (like maybe the last year of it), I was told that a lot of boys tease girls they like. So if a guy would tease me at school I'd tell everybody that the guy obviously likes me because he's teasing me. That made them change tactics really quickly.



techstepgenr8tion
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23 Sep 2009, 5:06 pm

idiocratik wrote:
There's a new girl working at this gas station near me. I went in one day and she said I look like I could be a character on Smallville. I told her I'd probably be a villain. The next time I went I used my debit and she said, "do all super villains use debit?". I thought that was a strange remark, but I responded with a "yes". Then a couple days later I go in and she says, "don't zap me with your evil powers". Last night there wasn't any silly remarks. I asked "what's happening?" and she said, "nothing... I get off in two hours..woo".

So, in my mind she's just being nice. Other people have said she's flirting, but I just don't know about that. The times that I've assumed someone was flirting I ended up wrong. And if she IS flirting, I have no idea what to do about that. I hate hints, and I hate guessing, and I'm completely oblivious on what to say.


She was trying, the downside is - while you said something witty to start things off and she actually liked it and showed interest back by keeping something of an inside joke even the next time she saw you - it sounds like you may have let it all down by giving a plane answer back. Then again, as a fellow aspie I know what it is to be inconsistent in that regard and yeah, to a large part it can't really be helped.

idiocratik wrote:
Last night at a bar this girl walked up to me and asked to use my lighter. I'm handing it to her, but she puts her hands up around her cigarette assuming I was going to light it for her. I'm immediately staring away from her, but she seemed to linger just for a few seconds. That entire experience was chaotic. My friend Albert noticed and pointed out the whole ordeal to me. "She was trying to talk to you, man.."

Even with alcohol in my system, I shut down when women approach me (the rare times that actually happens).


The trouble is - did you have anything to say that would have worked as a good ice breaker by NT standards? That's my biggest downfall - I can see these things clear as crystal but having something come out of my mouth right takes having confidence in that what I'm saying is up to my own standards and as well fits the social environment, sometimes I'm on with it, sometimes I'm off, and if I'm off I realize I just have to chalk it up and hope a girl has better luck with me the next time (*if* I'd want her to that is).



idiocratik
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23 Sep 2009, 5:29 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
She was trying, the downside is - while you said something witty to start things off and she actually liked it and showed interest back by keeping something of an inside joke even the next time she saw you - it sounds like you may have let it all down by giving a plane answer back. Then again, as a fellow aspie I know what it is to be inconsistent in that regard and yeah, to a large part it can't really be helped.


Well, it wasn't just a plain yes. It was more like, "yes...yes indeed".. or something like that.

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
The trouble is - did you have anything to say that would have worked as a good ice breaker by NT standards?


No. I never know what to say. I don't assume anyone is trying to talk to me. She asked for my lighter, and I gave it to her. That's all I processed.


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techstepgenr8tion
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23 Sep 2009, 6:12 pm

idiocratik wrote:
techstepgenr8tion wrote:
The trouble is - did you have anything to say that would have worked as a good ice breaker by NT standards?


No. I never know what to say. I don't assume anyone is trying to talk to me. She asked for my lighter, and I gave it to her. That's all I processed.


What I've generally noticed, maybe its more elevated in America than in others, but most women generally don't want to talk to any guy they aren't attracted to - at all. When it comes to work, class, etc. business is business - not a problem. However, if they don't want to talk to you you'll know it in a social situation. However, when a woman does approach you when your out, when its not course of business or when she has a choice, its definitely indicating something - at most you caught her eye from across the room and she wants to break the ice, at the least she caught a vibe off your body language as reminding her of someone she likes platonically and she wants to chat you up because she thinks she'd enjoy your company.

Unless your sitting right next to the ashtray, by yourself, and she has no other alternative than to ask you for a lighter, if she picked you over several other guys or even asked you in a random place where everyone was smoking (especially if she seemed at all dialed in on you or nervous as to what you'd think of her) - odds are she did so more for social reasons than for nicotine reasons.



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23 Sep 2009, 7:59 pm

Here are some signs that women are flirting, although, nothing is definite, beacuse some are friendly and outgoing, and not mean anything by it. You have to pay close attention. Some guys will act the same way when they like you.



They will go out of their way to talk to you, be near you, or touch you in some way. They usually ignore you, brush you off, or distance themselves, if they aren't interested.

They take more of an interest in you than the people around you. They ask a lot of questions about your interests, hobbies, what you think about this and that, etc.

They are receptive. They are playful, have a genuine smile, they may tease you, punch you, argue with you, or otherwise give you a hard time.

They may act a little odd, nervous, or shy around you, while they act perfectly normal around others.



techstepgenr8tion
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23 Sep 2009, 8:15 pm

SilverStar wrote:
They may act a little odd, nervous, or shy around you, while they act perfectly normal around others.


If they're shy or stuck in a formal position they might also chat up everyone around you except for you - the giveaway being that their sexual body language (preening, twisting hair, fragile poses), most of their body language at all, seems to be funneled in your direction.



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23 Sep 2009, 8:20 pm

techstepgenr8tion wrote:
SilverStar wrote:
They may act a little odd, nervous, or shy around you, while they act perfectly normal around others.


If they're shy or stuck in a formal position they might also chat up everyone around you except for you - the giveaway being that their sexual body language (preening, twisting hair, fragile poses), most of their body language at all, seems to be funneled in your direction.


That's how the whole Smallville thing started. "Don't you think he looks like someone on Smallville?"

I was gonna go in tonight with my sonic screwdriver and say, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a super villain. I'm The Doctor." But then she'd have to know what that is to appreciate being zapped by my sonic screwdriver. :P


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techstepgenr8tion
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23 Sep 2009, 8:30 pm

idiocratik wrote:
I was gonna go in tonight with my sonic screwdriver and say, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a super villain. I'm The Doctor." But then she'd have to know what that is to appreciate being zapped by my sonic screwdriver. :P


Well, it could be time for a new joke or.... you could always just go in, really about your own business more than anything, but give her a warm vibe like you think highly of her (sincerity and equality really), vibe her up like you'd vibe up someone you just met who you could easily see being a new best friend; well, 75% that, 25% flirt. That advice though give or take based on her personality, some people take well to intelligence and sincerity - if she's like that and you really feel like she'd be a good match for you, its a far better deal because you don't have to try to put something on, just focus and you'll be there.



polymathpoolplayer
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24 Sep 2009, 2:55 am

MizLiz wrote:
EnglishLulu wrote:
I struggle with this as well. One of my exes, he'd fancied me for quite literally years while we were friends and I was totally oblivious, and when we finally got together and I mentioned to mutual friends that I'd had no idea he liked me that and they said they'd all known for ages because it was *obvious* well, to everyone - apart from me - apparently.


ACK! You'd think they'd have said something.

I need to tell my friends to keep an eye out for guys who might like me.
Um... I'm guessing they thought you knew about it and didn't like him that way.... It's been my experience the only time friends try to help is when they set you up on stupid blind dates that are always hell on earth for what seems like an interminable time. Friends are useless in romance unless they are ranting about their current flame and you are a good listener.



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24 Sep 2009, 2:59 am

SilverStar wrote:
Here are some signs that women are flirting, although, nothing is definite, beacuse some are friendly and outgoing, and not mean anything by it. You have to pay close attention. Some guys will act the same way when they like you.
I'd say it's a lot more than "some".