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Space
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05 Apr 2009, 10:51 pm

I am thinking about how often I feel lonely and want someone. Should I just not feel lonely? Feel nothing, then people will be attracted to me? I don't understand the NT social rules, they say if you act lonely or like you want someone, then you're desperate and unattractive? But if you act like you don't want someone, then you don't want a relationship, right? I am feeling very socially ret*d today.



Cyberman
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05 Apr 2009, 10:57 pm

Yeah, it's a Catch-22... Wanting a relationship somehow disqualifies you from having one. :shrug:



hester386
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05 Apr 2009, 11:04 pm

Space wrote:
I am feeling very socially ret*d today.


I feel socially ret*d everyday. :(



jawbrodt
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05 Apr 2009, 11:37 pm

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. My theory is that you will have better results if you learn to 'attract' rather than to 'pursue'. We all know the things to work on.....personality, looks, personality, hygiene, personality, hobbies, personality, health, etc.... :wink:


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sunshower
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05 Apr 2009, 11:51 pm

I felt very needy/lonely/clingy when I didn't have much friendship, but now I do have lots of friendship I don't feel that way very often.


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Space
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05 Apr 2009, 11:59 pm

jawbrodt wrote:
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. My theory is that you will have better results if you learn to 'attract' rather than to 'pursue'. We all know the things to work on.....personality, looks, personality, hygiene, personality, hobbies, personality, health, etc.... :wink:

I have trouble with all of those.



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06 Apr 2009, 12:08 am

Space wrote:
I am thinking about how often I feel lonely and want someone. Should I just not feel lonely? Feel nothing, then people will be attracted to me? I don't understand the NT social rules, they say if you act lonely or like you want someone, then you're desperate and unattractive? But if you act like you don't want someone, then you don't want a relationship, right? I am feeling very socially ret*d today.


There is a difference between acting like you want a relationship, and acting needy, clingy, or desperate. These types of people can be too forward and pushy, trying to rush into a relationship, or they can be push-overs. They call you constanstly, are always in need of attention, won't let you go anywhere with out them beside you, or they can be too agreeable, not stand up for what they believe in, and let other people walk all over them. In short, they either smother you with too much attention, or they try to take too much attention from you. The key here is balance.

I think most women look for guys that have confidence and can challenge them, without being any of the things I mentioned above.

Before I get flamed...no I am not an expert.



jawbrodt
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06 Apr 2009, 12:21 am

Space wrote:
jawbrodt wrote:
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. My theory is that you will have better results if you learn to 'attract' rather than to 'pursue'. We all know the things to work on.....personality, looks, personality, hygiene, personality, hobbies, personality, health, etc.... :wink:

I have trouble with all of those.



Well then you know what needs work. :idea: According to most of the women that I've talked to....this area is the most important of them all. I wish I could help you more than that, but every person has to find what fits themselves.


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Aspie_Chav
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06 Apr 2009, 2:09 am

On Saturday Speeddater lock and key, when talking to some woman did say that I come over as a very happy person. I figured that I too must suffer from Fat-Jolly-Girl Syndrome also. On the outside I appear happy, on the inside miserable as hell.



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06 Apr 2009, 2:23 am

Aspie_Chav wrote:
On Saturday Speeddater lock and key, when talking to some woman did say that I come over as a very happy person. I figured that I too must suffer from Fat-Jolly-Girl Syndrome also. On the outside I appear happy, on the inside miserable as hell.


WTF? :lmao:


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06 Apr 2009, 2:35 am

I think perhaps the greater difference is that between wanting a relationship, and wanting to be in a relationship with someone in particular. Not a crush, not love-from-afar, but knowing from experience that you want to be with this -one specific person- instead of anyone else. When the goal is a relationship itself, then it doesn't appear to matter who the other person is... which would seem to be a pretty massive ego bruise from what I understand. Perhaps this is why those who actively pursue may be seen as less favorable partners if their need appears to be for a relationship and not for the other person involved, whereas those who are more aloof in general but open to a specific person are interpreted as more genuine and more desirable. Just a couple late night rambles... food for thought and discussion.


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06 Apr 2009, 9:11 am

I've tried working on personality, but I know someone who feels that personality cannot be worked on, that whatever personality traits you have at birth are the ones you're stuck with for the rest of your life.



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06 Apr 2009, 9:34 am

I always try to give the impression that I like being alone and that I don't need anyone. I feel I'm better off acting that way then acting desperate.



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06 Apr 2009, 9:39 am

It seems like a catch 22. How does one become not needy without getting into a relationship? Recently I have deepened a friendship/professional partnership with a woman from my academic program. She's unavailable to me for other purposes, but I really enjoy her company and I want to learn as much as I can from her, as this will be useful for my interactions with women who are available. Also, do something interesting! That's how I met my friend, through my PhD work.

Another thing, work at things that improve you that you can do on your own. Exercise is a good example. I've noticed differences in the way people treat me when I work out a lot, I think the endorphins may be helping, and I look different too, in a good way. I've been getting a lot of looks, even though I am not quite comfortable approaching strangers yet. Getting stronger is also a confidence booster. I didn't complain at all when my friend said she couldn't pick me up from the airport, because I knew I wouldn't have any trouble with carrying my stuff 5 miles from the bus stop to home, and to me it is all just an adventure. I'm more independent, less timid, and getting a little bit stronger and lighter every time I do something like this.


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06 Apr 2009, 10:14 am

MissConstrue wrote:
Aspie_Chav wrote:
On Saturday Speeddater lock and key, when talking to some woman did say that I come over as a very happy person. I figured that I too must suffer from Fat-Jolly-Girl Syndrome also. On the outside I appear happy, on the inside miserable as hell.


WTF? :lmao:

What'Wait! You think a lie me y tell!
Fat-Jolly-Girl Syndrome; I don't now if this sydrome has a scientific name. Make those who are not the most attractive, an small advantage that will help them find somone, as they appear very happy. The opposite of an unhappy person who most o unnatractive. I know one girl at work; and when she comes into a room, she makes me smile? her favorate word is "Its Friday". And noone would know that yout of 300 men, I am the closest thng to a depressed Mr Spock.



lotusblossom
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06 Apr 2009, 10:23 am

Aspie_Chav wrote:
MissConstrue wrote:
Aspie_Chav wrote:
On Saturday Speeddater lock and key, when talking to some woman did say that I come over as a very happy person. I figured that I too must suffer from Fat-Jolly-Girl Syndrome also. On the outside I appear happy, on the inside miserable as hell.


WTF? :lmao:

What'Wait! You think a lie me y tell!
Fat-Jolly-Girl Syndrome; I don't now if this sydrome has a scientific name. Make those who are not the most attractive, an small advantage that will help them find somone, as they appear very happy. The opposite of an unhappy person who most o unnatractive. I know one girl at work; and when she comes into a room, she makes me smile? her favorate word is "Its Friday". And noone would know that yout of 300 men, I am the closest thng to a depressed Mr Spock.


I dont understand why you dont have any luck though as when we met you were handsome, funny, intelligent and all good things. Must be something wrong with the women you are persuing.