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MorbidMiss
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26 Jul 2009, 12:57 am

I think that it depends on what is blocking it to begin with.



MathGirl
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24 Aug 2009, 1:06 pm

Marsian wrote:
I dunno!
It's all over my head. I can see how people can be pleasing to the eye but I don't really understand attraction and libido.

Same. I can easily judge whether a man or a woman is attractive or not. However, it doesn't mean that I'm attracted to them. It's just that they look more pleasing to the eye, that there is a certain aesthetic to their appearance.

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That said, I can't say that I'm asexual because being asexual in itself is a sexuality by definition and implies that you are capable of having a sexual relationship but are inclined not to.

Anyone can have a sexual relationship if they are forced to do so. However, asexuals don't have a natural propensity to form a relationship. And why would one enter a relationship if they don't feel a need for it?


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flutter
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24 Aug 2009, 3:12 pm

You're young yet, anything can happen.

Sex Drive does go in cycles - I'm in a low drive cycle, and have been for a while despite being in a relationship with someone I truly love.

For me, the emotional connection has to be there, or else the physical pleasure just isn't worth the effort, but everyone is different.

Just be yourself and do the things you enjoy doing. Don't be afraid to meet new people, but don't expect things have to come from that. Be honest with people, especially people you date, and don't be afraid to accept a date if you like someone just because you aren't immediately sexually attracted to them. For a lot of us, the mental connection is a lot more important then the physical. You may find if you really like someone as a person, other feelings may develop later.

The thing to avoid there is stringing someone along who does want a sexual relationship if it's not going to happen. It's always the tricky part.



Marsian
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24 Aug 2009, 4:56 pm

Hey MathGirl :)

I literally cannot explain this phenomenon at all but I know we're not the only ones on WP who are like this.

A lady called Auntyjack on WP told me that she used to be like this when she was younger and said that it was due to touch issues.

I also read that with AS, emotional age can be anywhere between 1/3 and 2/3 of your chronological age, meaning that emotionally I could be anywhere between 10 and 20 so I wondered whether this might have something to do with why I don't yet experience sexual attraction.

I'm really not convinced that I'm asexual because being asexual is a sexual orientation in itself and I don't think that I know enough about relationships or sexuality at this stage to be able to accurately state what my sexual orientation is.

Also, I don't know whether it's the same with you, but I think that the fact that I don't like people touching me or being too close to me also is a significant barrier to forming a sexual relationship. I have actually tried to have sex before, when I was 25, but I couldn't because I can't get aroused. At the time I was prepared to force myself to do it but with hindsight I am glad that I did not. I don't think you can just force yourself because there are so many emotional and psychological factors involved.

I wasn't diagnosed until recently and I have always known that I didn't experience sexual attraction but still allowed myself to become closer to some of my male and female friends than I should have done and really led them up the garden path which I am now really embarrassed about. I think, like Flutter says it's really important not to string people along.

I've found as well, that the older I get the worse this problem becomes because it's really depressing being alone when most of my friends and even my little sis are in relationships.

I'm waiting to be referred to one of the top AS specialists in the UK and I really hope that I can ask her about this.

I'll let you know if I find out anything interesting. I was wondering whether there is a way that they can test my development in order to establish whether I will develop in this area or whether I won't.

Sam :) x



MathGirl
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24 Aug 2009, 6:44 pm

Marsian wrote:
I also read that with AS, emotional age can be anywhere between 1/3 and 2/3 of your chronological age, meaning that emotionally I could be anywhere between 10 and 20 so I wondered whether this might have something to do with why I don't yet experience sexual attraction.

That's an interesting thought. However, there are some people on WP who have developed their libido at a very young age. Therefore, sexual attraction seems to be an exception to this rule.

Sexual development might be one of these things that are at "extremes" in those with Asperger's syndrome. It either begins very early, or very late.

Quote:
I'm really not convinced that I'm asexual because being asexual is a sexual orientation in itself and I don't think that I know enough about relationships or sexuality at this stage to be able to accurately state what my sexual orientation is.

Hmm, I think I agree with you at this point. I don't think an asexual would be able to understand relationships and sexuality either due to the nature of this "sexual orientation".

Quote:
Also, I don't know whether it's the same with you, but I think that the fact that I don't like people touching me or being too close to me also is a significant barrier to forming a sexual relationship.

This is true. I have a fear of getting close to people, let alone touch them. Therefore, sex to me is the most unlikely prospect.

But there is a difference between simply not wanting to have sex and being asexual. One could have a strong sexual drive and an aversion to touch.

Quote:
I'll let you know if I find out anything interesting. I was wondering whether there is a way that they can test my development in order to establish whether I will develop in this area or whether I won't.

I'd love to know what the top professionals say about this. All I know so far is that while there is a fair amount of people who have this issue (judging from this thread and some other posts on WP), many people with AS strongly enjoy sex. It seems that a factor independent of AS plays a role in this.


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Marsian
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24 Aug 2009, 8:22 pm

:)

I definitely think it's more than coincidence that there are so many females on Wrong Planet who are like this. I think it is somehow related to AS but it's just one of those things that not everyone with AS has the same traits.

Maybe it's that libido is independent of AS and people who have high libido find it easier to form relationships because there is the need to satisfy their libido whereas those of us with no libido don't feel any urgency to form relationships because there is nothing to satisfy!

I've never fancied anyone, never fallen in love with anyone, and have never been aroused by anyone. I've had lots of guys fall for me and although I've had a few 'relationships' they have all been short-lived, dysfunctional and one-sided where I have not been able to reciprocate to the guy in any way other than friendship.

Bizarrely, I sometimes feel aroused on the rare occasions when I drink alcohol or smoke weed and have also felt aroused and have experienced what I believe to be an orgasm as a result of eating magic mushrooms. I googled this recently to see if it was a known phenomenon and found a few articles suggesting that it is possible. I've never tried female-viagra and wonder whether that should be my next conquest!

It seems that some kind of sexual functionality is there in my mind but something is preventing me from accessing it.

There are so many things that I just don't understand. My gut feeling is still that I somehow haven't developed because inside I don't feel much different to how I felt when I was 10/11 when everyone around me started to develop. I remember people talking about boys and relationships and not being interested but just lying and going along with it because I was too embarrassed to tell anyone the truth.

It's all so confusing. I honestly don't know whether this specialist will know but if anyone is going to be able to shed any light on the matter she is likely to be the one.

Also, part of me would like to be a Mum one day and don't know whether that will be possible either unless I adopt (if I am considered capable of adopting)

Sam :) x



persian85033
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25 Aug 2009, 2:25 pm

I've alway had that problem. I've never had a boyfriend cause I couldn't see the point. I just...can't seem to...feel anything. I see actors doing very, um, intimate scenes on soap operas and stuff, and...nothing. I've even tried doing other things, and just nothing. I've never been aroused by anything.



Marsian
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25 Aug 2009, 4:56 pm

Persian?

Did you always know that you had AS?

Because all of my boyfriends were before I found out about AS. It was quite strange because guys would always be coming onto me and I just went out with them partly because I thought it was normal to do so and partly because I didn't know how to say 'no' without hurting their feelings and partly because I honestly thought that I would grow into having emotional and sexual feelings!

It was wrong, especially because once things should have become emotional and didn't I then had to find a way out of the so-called relationship and ended up hurting the guys' feelings more than I would have done if I said 'no' in the first place!

Worse still I have felt almost violated by some of the vaguely intimate things that happened in these 'relationships' and also feel embarrassed because guys tend to think that there is something wrong with you if you don't want sex and I have lost some of my best friends by letting things become more than friends and making a complete mess of it.

Had I known that I had AS and was not going to develop in the near future I definitely wouldn't have bothered!

Also, I would have been honest with my friends up front about AS and about my sexuality (or non-sexuality) because it would just be so much easier in the long run.

The key to the problem is clearly to seek a relationship based on companionship, but what if... we develop sexually when we are older which some people with AS seem to do?

I wish there was an answer to this but there doesn't seem to be.

Sam :) x



persian85033
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25 Aug 2009, 8:52 pm

I didn't know, although now it seems that a lot of people here seem to read my mind. What I've read, it's like...I said you read my mind almost. Like a lot of what I think.



Marsian
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25 Aug 2009, 10:05 pm

My sister made me feel a bit better today actually :)

I can't remember her exact words but she kinda meant that I get the fulfillment from my passions that she gets from her relationship.

Which is probably true.

Much as I hate to admit it.

I mean, given the choice... Being totally honest... I wouldn't be prepared to trade my special skills for the chance to be sexual...

As I said to my psy one time.

I don't think I would have conceived the idea of sex in a million years if everyone else wasn't so preoccupied with it!

The Stork brought me here, ok :oops:



SingInSilence
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28 Aug 2009, 11:44 pm

I'm the same way. In a few years I'll know if I'm asexual or a "late bloomer". I'm fine with either one, just as I'm fine with having no attractions to anyone right now. It makes me feel better to know there are other people out there like me, though :D


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