IM SORRY for the emotion sharing. My days are hard right now--on my body I think. On the one hand I'm gaining some massive health points. On the other I havent slept more than 5 hours per night (16 is ideal :-) 12 is about mandatory) for over a week. A typical day. 1. round about 3:30ish to 4 am I walk in the dark 2 miles uphill to catch the buss leading to downtown. To catch the buss leading to the docks. Well tomorrow I am walking to the work center at 4am to catch a ride leading to a big dusty warehouse where I will 'lump' boxes for 12 hours. I don't know if the dock job will be up next week. My commute AFTER the walk takes around 4 hours total there and back. For 8 hours pay I am up at 3:30 and don't see the carpet home untill 6:30 pm. Not including walking another mile to the bank before 6 on the way home, or groceries, or laundry dinner those forms that planning ect. WHY DO I do this. Because this day in day out job is the only place I 'feel' comfortable. No one in a career wants to hire me. No one in the 'chosen' careers CAN hire me. My counselors lesson for me this week (well last week, this week I missed after pulling a 20 hour day to help the work center out as a favor) is career bubbles. I've found where I fit. After derek heads off in the next 3 years I DONT KNOW whether it will then be feasable or not but I've found the bubble THAT WORKS FOR ME. it is the sea. Finding something that works for Aspergers does not make sense to neural typical people. It involves LIGHTING, KINETICS, PEOPLE, SOCIAL STRUCTURE, everything. One thing out of place is one thing. everything out of place...well. I am ok when I am ACTUALLY next to the sea. Not in an apartment near it. IN IT. I am ok when I am working in NATURAL LIGHT. Not make me a narcissit fake light. Not cubicle shut my brain off light. Not 100 watt make me see things light. The earth as it was meant to be. I am ok when I work alone with responsibility with minimal instruction. I DO NOT WORK IN TEAMS. I work in teams. I realize that doesn't make sense. I THRIVE near metal and wood and machinery and water. I THRIVE near people who are trying to get along and communicate. I DO NOT THRIVE in an competitive atmosphere. Im not wired or capable to even understand it or the existance of it. I LACK the theroy of other minds that would make this possible. I work with my hands. I've an intelligent mind for ....things--but I lack the ability to word correctly what that means, and thus the ability to define and follow ANY PATH. Least of all a world enhancing one. But I'm working on it... I thought counseling would be best, but it is a slow and ardurous process and she sometimes misses what I say. A counselor with the disease would be best, however, she only carries the gene that carries the disease (disorder), so she hits things alot of the time--its what she misses that keeps me with anxiety. Such as my need for diagnosis and possibly a medical course of action--NOW. Next week maybe-or I'll email her tonight about an appointment with her doctor friend. Further positives: Since the only way I walk the world seemingly normal and often ahead of the game (appearances and beauty of course!) is through mimickry of others, I lack an entire database of files to mentally draw on. I am forced to find and take bits and pieces from a variety of human sources. These sort of individuals existing in the same place and time as I am are rare-to say the least. I found a whole dock full of them at Trident Seafood Corporation. The problem is, that at the same time, they keep dicking me around with the permanant employment thing. sigh. still rambling. It's the only way I convey information. I DONT KNOW HOW OTHER PEOPLE CONVEY INFORMATION. rambling again.