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oh sh@t sorry: Fred Dad part 2 09-09-2006 12:07 am SeaBright's Blog
IM SORRY for the emotion sharing. My days are hard right now--on my body I
think. On the one hand I'm gaining some massive health points. On the other
I havent slept more than 5 hours per night (16 is ideal :-) 12 is about
mandatory) for over a week.
A typical day.
1. round about 3:30ish to 4 am I walk in the dark 2 miles uphill to catch
the buss leading to downtown. To catch the buss leading to the docks. Well
tomorrow I am walking to the work center at 4am to catch a ride leading to a
big dusty warehouse where I will 'lump' boxes for 12 hours. I don't know if
the dock job will be up next week. My commute AFTER the walk takes around 4
hours total there and back. For 8 hours pay I am up at 3:30 and don't see
the carpet home untill 6:30 pm. Not including walking another mile to the
bank before 6 on the way home, or groceries, or laundry dinner those forms
that planning ect.
WHY DO I do this.
Because this day in day out job is the only place I 'feel' comfortable. No
one in a career wants to hire me. No one in the 'chosen' careers CAN hire
me. My counselors lesson for me this week (well last week, this week I
missed after pulling a 20 hour day to help the work center out as a favor)
is career bubbles.
I've found where I fit. After derek heads off in the next 3 years I DONT
KNOW whether it will then be feasable or not but I've found the bubble THAT
WORKS FOR ME. it is the sea.
Finding something that works for Aspergers does not make sense to neural
typical people. It involves LIGHTING, KINETICS, PEOPLE, SOCIAL STRUCTURE,
everything. One thing out of place is one thing. everything out of
I am ok when I am ACTUALLY next to the sea. Not in an apartment near it. IN
IT. I am ok when I am working in NATURAL LIGHT. Not make me a narcissit fake
light. Not cubicle shut my brain off light. Not 100 watt make me see things
light. The earth as it was meant to be. I am ok when I work alone with
responsibility with minimal instruction. I DO NOT WORK IN TEAMS. I work in
teams. I realize that doesn't make sense. I THRIVE near metal and wood and
machinery and water. I THRIVE near people who are trying to get along and
communicate. I DO NOT THRIVE in an competitive atmosphere. Im not wired or
capable to even understand it or the existance of it. I LACK the theroy of
other minds that would make this possible. I work with my hands. I've an
intelligent mind for ....things--but I lack the ability to word correctly
what that means, and thus the ability to define and follow ANY PATH. Least
of all a world enhancing one.
But I'm working on it...
I thought counseling would be best, but it is a slow and ardurous process
and she sometimes misses what I say. A counselor with the disease would be
best, however, she only carries the gene that carries the disease
(disorder), so she hits things alot of the time--its what she misses that
keeps me with anxiety. Such as my need for diagnosis and possibly a medical
course of action--NOW.
Next week maybe-or I'll email her tonight about an appointment with her
Further positives: Since the only way I walk the world seemingly normal and
often ahead of the game (appearances and beauty of course!) is through
mimickry of others, I lack an entire database of files to mentally draw on.
I am forced to find and take bits and pieces from a variety of human
sources. These sort of individuals existing in the same place and time as I
am are rare-to say the least.
I found a whole dock full of them at Trident Seafood Corporation. The
problem is, that at the same time, they keep dicking me around with the
permanant employment thing.
It's the only way I convey information. I DONT KNOW HOW OTHER PEOPLE CONVEY