There's this thing I've realized just now. and it feels like crap.
I have realized the most important thing about people I should not have.

but let us back up a little bit.

Some time ago, I discovered how this world works. Years before that, I did not understand a crapload of things. I just pretty much stood there, looking around and asking meself: 'What the?' And I was clueless. I will not really piss off me time by listing up all the things I did not understand. It is irrelevant to the topic really.

So it just happened. Piece by piece, fragment by fragment, I put it together. Not actively, though. It just one day knocked on my door, and battered me in the face as I opened the door. From that point I understood many things. How we came to be, what is the purpose of mankind, why is there so much shit in this world. It was ugly at the time, but slowly I did process. I kind of came to terms with it by now, you know. Eventually you got to realize the puppy's dead. Right.

But this I will not ever process. If I ever do, I think I'll just hang meself up a tall tree with a short rope.

The thing is: From the point I realized what's what and why's why, to this point, I adamantly stood as a self appointed harbinger of freedom. I wanted(and it's the stressword) to make people see the world as I do. I wanted to enlighten them. I thought I finally understood, and saw that the people are essentially not bad, just treated in a wrong way. As if I regressed to one of my earlier, more idealistic personalities. You know, the one who believed that things can be fixed. Up until this point I though it to be possible.

However, now I see it. And it terrifies me.
People do not want freedom. They want the freedom of conformity.

And I can keep telling the truth, backing it up with evidence. I can support my statments as iron and steel supports a skyscraper of a hundred and thousand tons, they will not listen. They do not want the truth, they do not want freedom. They want to be comfty. They want to sit on their arses, doing nothing as long as they can, before going back to labor. They are not treated badly. They are indoctrinated. They are corrupted. They LOVE the system and they want it to work how it works. They do not want change. They want a pretty little couch, and a big flat tally from where people in suits tell them what to eat, what to think, what to believe in.

Maybe(though I haven't quite figured it out) this is the important part. They do not want to stand on their own. They do not want responsibility to weigh down their shoulders. They do not want to be free, they want to believe they are free.

And now(and by now, I mean right now) I see the most important difference between me and the people. I am not people at all.

Because I would rather choose cessation of existence, over subjugation.

I just know I can not be a slave. Not anymore. Maybe this faux-democracy/faux-freedom appeals to you. Maybe you are better off crawling back and stop thinking about how you are fucked by the system in the arse twenty-four per seven, but I can not do this.

Believe me, because with all the honesty of my heart and soul, I say this: I tried to swallow the blue pill. Almost every single day I have tried it ever since then. For a long-long time, I tried it, just about every day. I tried to forget what I knew. I tried to shrug it off me.

I fucking tried to swallow the blue pill. I just threw it up. Over and over again.
Until I realized that there's no backing off for me. I am simply not the person who pulls the blanket over his head and play make-believe. I can not pretend that this world is the way it seems to be. I am tired of trying to set minds free. They want shackles. Most of them. But it is as they say. The kid who wants to learn to read, will learn to read.

So, I am done with you. I will not fight for any more minds or souls anymore. Not because it's not worth it. I have set a few free. One I am particularly proud of. But because they do not want it.

But I should be a little more positive along the end. Have to find the good part in everything, ennit?

Yes, there's also a good part.

Now I have a good justification, for separating myself from the rest of humanity. I can now say, honestly, that I am not human. Not by a longshot. And this makes me how happy?

Very Happy!

Why?

Because(and now I would like to quote my favourite person in the world)
The World Is Turning Into A Cesspool Of Imbeciles.

P.s.: I was a little depressed when starting this post. But perhaps by writing it out of meself, I have become a little alleviated. Maybe it was the realization that after all, I am not human. I don't quite know it, but I know that I have something to fight for. Meself. The one and only, the constant and indestructible Meself.(and yes, on purpose do I spell it that way.(and yes, on purpose, do I tend to switch up parts of a sentence))
And of course, there's me love, and there's this thing. I think I left it to the end of the listing, because it is the single most important driving force in my life. Preservation of human culture. Everything mankind ever created through history. I kind of despise most of people, but the art, the science, The Culture in all it's forms, and the preservation of it is what I want the most...to keep all the art alive. And maybe, just maybe, add my little part to it. Just a few pieces of Speculative Fiction, and maybe some of my mind. There's always the pursuit of immortality there, of course, but If I can't live forever, then maybe when I'm dust, people will read me, and say:

What is wrong with him?!

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