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posted at 11:18 pm on 11-01-2010
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Random... because I can
posted at 11:18 pm on 11-01-2010
The brad paisley song 'so much cooler online' springs to mind. On here I could be anyone I wanted to be, but who I choose to be is the real me, because I can't do that so easily in the real world. The real me is not 'normal', doesn't fit into the box that mainstream society forces upon us. I don't mind really, it's good to be different, but sometimes it WOULD be nice to feel normal, it'd make life simpler, even if just for a little while.
I love the annonymity that sites such as this provide. I can post anything I like and not worry about being judged, because even if someone I know reads it they won't know that it's me. And if anyone who doesn't know me judges me on it I couldn't care less, because to judge someone you don't know on something you don't know the full story of, well that's a coward's game.
It's funny how the human mind works. Or my mind at least. I detest social chit chat, I cringe at the thought of interacting with people I don't know in the real world, yet still I feel the need to connect to others and express myself in some way. I pour out my thoughts here, in one sense just for the sake of doing so but in another sense hoping that someone will read it and understand. Surely there must be more people out there who are as screwed up as me...
Sometimes I think it would be nice if there was just a blood test or something simple they could do, then say 'yes, you have autism', then send me away with a certificate exempting me from all social situations other than those few in which I choose to partake. I realise this is pure fantasy, but hey, it'd be nice!!!
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posted at 09:34 pm on 11-01-2010
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New to this...
posted at 09:33 pm on 11-01-2010
At the age of 23 I'm now going through the lengthy process of having myself diagnosed. I'm surrounded by autism - my cousin and stepbrother are autistic, my brother has strong autistic tenancies, and I work with kids with autism and asbergers. I've wondered for many years whether I have autism too. But I have gone with the philosophy that if I can function successfully in my daily life then it's irrelevant. But in the last three years various things have happened that have 'accentuated' my inability to cope in social situations... and it's now to the point that it's affecting my work, my career, my family... it's negatively impacting on the people I care about and the career that I have worked so hard to establish. So I know I need to do something. I can't get away with being socially awkward now the way I used to as a kid. And my repetitive behaviours are getting worse to the point where I can't hide them so easily any more, the need overtakes my knowledge of the inappropriateness.
Thing is, without trying to sound as though I have tickets on myself, I consider myself to be of above average intelligence. And in my head I know the social rules that I need to function in daily life. I've learnt them perhaps slightly differently to most people, and it's taken me longer than most, but I think I know what I need to know. Trouble is, knowing them and being able to put them into practice are two totally different things. For example, I know that when left alone with someone it's polite and appropriate to make chit chat, to create meaningless conversation to fill the time... but I truly struggle to do it, even with people I have know for years. Plus I find it totally pointless and annoying. The people closest to me either accept that it's easier for me to sit in a comfortable silence, or they take the lead in the conversation and keep it going. There are very few who are this close to me though. Those who don't know me as well tend to assume that I'm either stupid or just a bitch, but that isn't the case.
Guess I'm not too sure what a diagnosis will mean for me if I do get one... I suppose I'm hoping to get some help, to learn some coping strategies, to learn how to function like 'normal' people and not let this get the better of me. And in a way I guess it would be nice to have confirmation for myself that I'm not just 'weird' or 'antisocial' like it said on many of my report cards...
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