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posted at 04:28 pm on 10-02-2011
Once, a long time ago, I was born. "It's a boy" the doctor said. After that most people tended to see a very shy, awkward, silent, little girl, unless corrected by my parents. "Too sweet for a boy" was how my first teacher once put it. More on this later.
When I was about 6 years old I finally figured out language and talking and somehow broke though my shyness and started to talk.
When I was young I tended to play with girls, boys where just too active? Until the girls decided that they didn't want to play with me anymore. I never really could find my way to "fit in" after that, I never have figured out how to "fit in".
I loved listing, reading, drawing, painting, and making art (some great, some less so, most highly misunderstood). I was a very easy child, mostly because I didn't have the energy or the imagination or friends (bad or otherwise) to cause trouble. Isn't it funny and sad how most adults would never consider that silence and obedience, being "too sweet" could actually be a problem?
Childhood was a lonely time, luckily I don't know this at the time because this was just the way it always was and has been. I did miss having girlfriends but I accepted it as just the way it has to be. The way it was.
From the moment I noticed that I was different, I began to suspect that this was the reason why I didn't fit in? But how was I different? On very good days is my IQ above 160, but usually I was so stressed around that I only got 140. So maybe that's the reason?
Late 1999, early 2000 I began to suspect that I might have a ASD. When I suggested this to a d she dismissed it out of hand, mostly because of my intelligence. Around 2007 I became depressed. Seeking help I finally was diagnosed with (classic) autism in late 2009. I also started on methylphenidate which made all the difference. After a while I added 5HTP, basically the building block of serotonin, to help it along. Which worked out great: I can honestly say that I never felt better then the last 2 years.
It was then that I could finally start to figure myself out, basic puberty stuff. Mid 2010 I connected the dot and figured I that my gender identity isn't male, it might be female but because I lack experience being a girl I find it very hard to be sure about anything anymore? The words just don't have sufficient meaning. What does makes one male or female? What does gender mean when there are developmental abnormalities and in fact the body itself seems to be confused?
My male genitalia don't seem to work like they should, don't feel right, too small and unresponsive I think? I'm also quite tall with very long limbs; my hands have much longer index then ring fingers; I have proportionally wider hips and a narrow waist and shoulders: Classic hourglass body. I also have quite firm breasts? My face is more childlike or even feminine with very little facial hair. Chronological I'm in my late 30s, however most people still tend to estimated me to be mid 20s. Even though I'm about 2 meters (6 ft 6) tall, many strangers often call me "Ms" at first. Even my autism seems to match more closely the way it develops in girls then in boys. This all seems to suggest to me that I might have some chromosomal anomaly or something simular? Like XXY or AIS?