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Brittany2907's Blog
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A BIG REALIZATION!
posted at 04:27 am on 04-16-2008
As some may have read on the forums, someone who I knew died yesterday. But that's not the point of this blog entry. The point is, that even though her death was a great tragedy, it made me motivated to do something with my own life. The girl I knew, died at the age of 16, thats my age. It made me think that if I died today, would I have achieved everything in life that I wanted to? The answer is no. I have a lot more that I want to do and so much more that I want to learn and discover about myself and the world around me.
When I heard about her death, sure I was sad, but within minutes I realized that I can't live my life the way I am now. I applied for information about a course and i'm going to do it, no questions asked. I'm going to write down a list of all the things I want to do before I die and each week i'm going to try and have atleast one thing completed. As someone once said..."You never know when your dash is going to be up, so what are you going to do with the time you have left?" (the dash meaning...the dash between your birthdate and deathdate on your head-stone).
I can't live life in a "bubble" anymore...I can't keep thinking..."what if I did this...what if I did that...what would happen if I did this and that and the same time?".
I need to get out and try. I need to live, not just merely exist.
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What a day!
posted at 02:55 am on 04-01-2008
...and I thought that life couldn't get anymore stressful than it already was! Oh man, I was SO wrong!
Shopping, argueing, more argueing, annoying step father! Arghh!!
Someone just shoot me!!
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Life's empty.
posted at 09:16 am on 03-27-2008
It's not that I don't want to live, because I do. I just don't want to live in this life...which I know that changing lives is impossible, so I can't do that. I'm always seeing the bad in everything. But is it really the bad in everything? Or are other people just brainwashed into thinking that life on this planet is worth while? Walking somewhere, I can instantly see things that are made for entirely superficial or selfish causes. Like the stores that are covered with signs saying "sale on now!"...I mean sure, they want their business to keep going, but is it REALLY that important? Money is only money, a piece of paper or plastic [depends on where you are] that has a number on it. When I think about it like that, it makes me wonder why everyone complains that they don't have enough of it. I know that in this day and age it keeps people alive, But it also causes so many criminal acts. Money causes greed. People believe that lack of money causes poverty...but the fact is, money causes it. The richer the country, the more they have...the poorer the country, the less they have. If money wasn't around, there wouldn't be "rich" and "poor"...just equal between everyone. Of course if there wasn't money, there would be another form of currency, but who says that we even need it? Can't we humans get along in life without it?
This wasn't mean't to be about money...but obviously i'm thinking about the relevance of it!
Most things man-made are a lie in my opinion. The only "real" things in this world are what is natural...such as nature, weather, animals [including humans] etc. I'm not saying that I think humans should regress to running around like cave-men with clubs in their hand, but oh my lord...I wish that humans could start to realise what is important!
Sure, I like technology, I like progression...but I HATE things that are made that don't help society in any way.
I over think a LOT...especially about what we, as the human race stand for. Quite honestly, it only does me more harm than good, but I can't stop doing it!
You take away the stores, the money, the cars etc...and what have we actually become? Better, smarter, more advanced...or just more materialistic? I think that latter.
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Poem...Just a vent.
posted at 01:20 am on 02-05-2008
No more luck, it's out of sight.
Hope is gone there's no more light.
Living here, but not alive.
16 years gone since I died.
I'm breakable, i'm not so strong.
You were so right all along.
I don't belong here, never have,
Never will and that is that.
Wheres my life? Where was I born?
It wasn't here though, thats for sure.
I don't know where I should live.
Or how to forget and forgive.
People here, treat me like crap.
They've done nothing but attack,
my confidence and what makes me,
the person that I was meant to be.
Yet there's one thing they'll never take,
One thing that they cannot break,
They'll never have this thing,I bet,
This one simple thing, is self-respect.
Written By Brittany, Feb 4th, 2008.
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I wasted 2007.
posted at 10:10 am on 12-31-2007
I have wasted this past year. I spent the year 2007 at home, being depressed and sleeping my life away. I could have been out finding employment, or enrolling in a course...but I chose to take the easy option and be miserable.
I regret not achieving anything in 2007. I should have done something to motivate myself to get out into the world. But no...I stayed inside hiding from everyone and living a world which only existed online.
Heck...as the clocked ticked over to 2008...I was depressed. I don't think you know what that feels like, unless you've experienced it yourself. I looked in the mirror and whispered to myself..."Happy new year". At the same time I was thinking..."Look at yourself, your such an idiot!...get out into the world you loser!".
If only I did things in 2007, maybe 2008 wouldn't have to be such a struggle. I have so many things to do this year...so much to catch up on. I am behind in education my atleast two years, I need to study!...that means getting into a course.
2007 was basically a year for wallowing in my own sadness. It was a year for being angry at the world, self pitty and at times...full blown rage. It was NOT productive.
this year, 2008...I really hope that nothing like this happens. I hope for it to go well.
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New Years Resolutions
posted at 09:37 am on 12-16-2007
Ok, so each year I write down some things that I would like to achieve. I am always very hopeful that I will indeed achieve them. That never happens though. Last year, I said that by the end of this year, I shall be in study and have a job...neither of those things have happened.
I seem to make unrealistic goals often and set very high expectations for myself. I have decided that my resolutions for 2008 will be small and achievable, yet still challenging and rewarding. Still...it's thinking of any that fit that criteria that is the hard part.
One thing I want to achieve is to make a real life friend. It is a small goal, which is achievable if I can learn how to approach people correctly and will be rewarding for me. Another goal I have is to be in a course, either in photography or animal care.
Lets hope 2008 is a better year for me....
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A glimpse of hope...or just more false hope.
posted at 02:37 am on 12-11-2007
Last week, I met with someone from AutismNZ. She asked me questions about my current life, what I want to do in life, any struggles I am currently having and what I thought I needed to be helped.
I was thinking at the time..."Finally, a glimpse of hope...my life might actually be starting to go somewhere useful for once".
I was walking home after the meeting, feeling really, reall positive when all of a sudden, I knew that this was not the reality of the situation.
I have had a lot of people try to help me, yet, nothing seems to work. Maybe I was just getting a lot of false hope yet again.
I have been trying to think positive lately, but as each day goes by, the positive thoughts get drained out by negative ones even more. I am worried that I will be again, in a few days time, be surrounded by nothing but negativity once again.
Although, I am trying really hard to keep in a positive frame of mind, it does not seem to be working.
Maybe I should stop thinking that I will ever be happy. Or maybe I should stop thinking about all emotions, period. As all they seem to bring me, in myself, is depression...
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I hate my life...I am useless
posted at 04:25 am on 12-02-2007
I am a waste of space. I do nothing important and help no one. Nearly everyone I talk to ends up mentally ill or killing themselves and i'm beggining to think I am the reason that they do that.
I begin to think that I am good at something, then someone tells me i'm not and I cry and cry and don't stop crying for atleast an hour because of how stupid I am. I try my best and yet still fail at nearly everything I do.
The only thing I succeed in is my relationship with animals. They are the ones who keep me alive sometimes. When I am in my darkest of times, they keep me from taking my own life. I connect with them better than any human on the planet...I can understand them, more than I understand myself. They love me unconditionally, listen to me talk about my interests and never get bored. I love them unconditionally back.
Besides from that one good thing in my life, everything else is complete s**t to be honest.
Ok, so I do have some online friends...but they in different countries and I can't visit them. It's hard because I really want to see them because they are nice to me.
My life now really really sucks and I sometimes feel like putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger...but then I remember the animals and it helps me to put those thoughts aside.
I can't even cry...I want to, but I can't. I am numb. I can be physically injured and not feel the pain. I can't feel emotions anymore...I am feeling like a zombie or a robot.
Anyway...that was just a bit of a rant.
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Very Strange meltdowns
posted at 03:02 am on 10-10-2007
When I am ok and calm...things seem to be a normal colour.
When I am stressed or about to melt down, everything has a grey tint to it and seems like everything is getting darker.
When I do melt down I get the strangest feeling like the ground is uneven and I will feel like I am going to fall over. Or If I am sitting down, I will feel like the chair is tilting and feel like I will fall off the chair. Then I feel like I have an outer body experience..such as I don't feel my body and feel like my mind is separated from it and that I am looking at myself from the outside. Like I can actually see myself screaming, or rocking or whatever else happens to me during a meltdown and I don't actually feel any of it.
Then all of a sudden it ends and I am back in my body. I feel like I have just run a marathon, when I didn't even feel anything during the meltdown. It's like I went completely numb physically.
Hmmm...so yes. This had happened last two times I melted down. Just thought that I would share my very strange experience. Any of you experienced something like this?
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First Blog... "No one understands,".
posted at 07:43 am on 06-10-2007
I found this website and thought that I should set up myself an account.
Mother has taken me to several doctors throughout my life to try and figure out what was going on with me. One of them said that I was naturally a "slow developer". I have been on several medications to treat something that wasn't even there, the doctors misdiagnosed me all the time. I have been on two anti-psychotic medications; Risperidal and Zyprexa. Two anti-depressants; Aropax and Citalopram. Also have been on Diazepam, an anxiety medication. I had had enough of all of these medications, and mother decided to take me to see a psychiatrist. They reffered me to a neuropsychiatrist who performed several tests on me. The next day, the doctor rang up mother on the phone and told her to bring me and her into his office. He diagnosed me with Asperger's Syndrome. That was on March 3rd, early in the year 2006. Mother has never treated me the same, she says that she doesn't want me to go through this alone, and wants to support me. But she doesn't understand how different my life is compared to hers, which is understandable, but difficult when she forces me to go places that I don't want to go. So that means she really doesn't understand.
I just live with mother and she wanted to ring Father and tell him about my diagnosis. When he heard, he was angry at mother and saying that she made this happen. I haven't heard from father since, so thats another person who does not understand. My Grandmother thinks that I am incapable of doing things on my own. She tried to dress me once...and I am 15! , I didn't mean to hit her but I did, because I do not like to be touched. And now I stay away from her, she doesn't understand too. I had to leave school at the end of last year because my teachers were getting angry at me for things that I couldn't control. I kept on getting sent to the school principal, and so I left school as I said, because they didn't understand. Everyone at school bullied me and called me weird, they thought that they could "catch" Asperger's Syndrome, so no one talked to me except for name calling. And one time this girl who was a year older than me pushed me down 16 stairs and I got a concussion because I hit my head on the step when she pushed me. I left school because of that also, so again, they didn't understand. This was really bad.
No body understands how I feel, they don't know how much effort it takes me just to get out of the house.
I just thought I would come on here and vent, it is easy because I don't have to talk to people face to face. It is just a machine sending messages.
Wow, this got heaps off my chest.
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