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Random Personal Thoughts
posted at 04:20 am on 01-04-2006
I wonder who i am, or if i was me, if i got lost somewhere. It seems there are many things on which i do not have preference for of one over another. I think about the Moon man, played by Robin Williams, in Baron Munchhausen, where the head and body did not seem to like each other. And when the body was killed the head wondered off in glee, happy to be able to think and not be distracted by the body. Similar to what i read about in eastern thinking regarding Buddism. Not that i think that would be neccessarily the preferred state of existence, though, i see more appeal if i were strictly an energy being, as they would live eternally and though may change, would never be harmed.
What is the use of a body, if ability to successfully and conceptualization of, interacting, which apparently is a neccessity for any employment prospects, does not exist.
Recall connected to recent comparison of AS info Part 3
posted at 01:16 pm on 04-12-2005
Some habits I remember having, I will list some here. I chattered my teeth alot, often even to music i played in my head. Where id bang my teeth often. I still do that some, its a fall back mechanism. Since I heard that can be bad for teeth I try to do other things instead, like tap my fingers on my thumb. I had an overbite for years, all you could see when i smile with my mouth open even was my upper teeth. The lower teeth were folding inward toward my throat. Braces finally, mostly fixed that. then i had a normal shaped jaw, as it made my face and head look even smaller then it was. My hat size was bigger than my Dads probably before age 10. I could never eat bread crust until very late in life and always cut it off, before eating a sandwich. Parents would often be puzzled why I could eat hamburger buns then. I still dont like peals on fruits. I remember even having fears of nearly everthing between ages 2 and 5. Crappy imagination, id imagine things everywhere, and id hear sounds all night that my dad said was the house settling, but it kept settling decades later. The house im in now does not make noise quiet like my old house. I remember crying the first day of Kindergarten when my mom left me there and i banged on the window as she got in her car. (That became rare by my teen years, then not at all). I sometimes bite my lips, or cheek and id bite it down sometimes hard enough to cut my mouth, this way i reasoned i could aleviate the strain without attracting attention or witnesses (I used to do that alot in stressful sitiuations or id pinch my fingers together hard enough to make a mark or pinch my palms the same way), or I play with my lips. I remember banging my head occasionally in my wall in my room behind my door, on my headboard of my bed, or on my door, sometimes even on my desk, now ive replaced occasional episode like that with a softer source, my hands (which is only occasionally when Im mad at myself or upset beyond a foreseeable or practical solution), and rarely bang my head on walls now. I also sometimes play with my earlobes, I used to play with my hair, or at least more often. I also had an affinity to feel the ends of a lock of a woman's hair on my face cheeks. And lastly for this post, I remember being made to finish my plate when young, even food I could not stand, which I often took so long to do, Dad went to bed and mom let me toss it.
Recall connected to recent comparison of AS info Part 2
posted at 04:47 pm on 03-24-2005
I remember that it took me awhile to learn to tie my shoes, to remember to brush my teeth after every meal, and to shower regularly. To this day, I still have not figured out how to tie a tie. I never learned how to swim, though at least one genuine attempt was made, but perhaps, it was when the teacher plunged me underwater and held me there that I lost interest in learning, the next lesson, I remember I did not even want to attempt, was jumping off a diving board with some height, but even the lower one was not impressing me either. That was probably about when I was between 3rd and 5th grade, about 7 - 10 years old.
Nightmare in School
posted at 07:30 pm on 03-02-2005
I looked at my sixth grade records, it seems that is more consistent perhaps with an ASD, it said that I was below average or needed improvement in things like communication, reading comprehension, written grammar, math, social studies, independent reading, class participation in celebration, discussion, incomplete work, and handwriting. It also said i was absent like 20 times that year.
I'm fully convinced but this report seems to be compelling evidence that is consistent with an ASD. Teacher notes (they took notes because of my behavioral problems): I got detention on a Monday for not bringing homework or my book to class. Another teacher wrote that I did not do all the assignment and bounced in my chair unbeknownst to my classmates. Turned in another assignment unsigned. Another math teacher said I fell when lining up and did not turn in a quiz. Still another said that I offered information in class for the first time ever in that class, but never opened my book. Got a detention for not completing work. Another said that I would not sit down in class despite many requests from the teacher.
A psych report stated that I was evaluated in Kindergarten, in first grade, then at about 9 yrs old and then again a few years later. It said that nursery school experience fright made adjustment in kindergarten hard,
(weaknesses) that I was slightly immature, had underdeveloped fine motor coordination, many illnesses, and expressive language delays. Continual social adjustment problem, social loner, explaining picture absurdities, and verbal absurdities.
weakness in visual, logical, catagorical, and abstract thinking when noting silmilarities in things. Nonverbal learning weakness. Weak coordination. Handwriting poor, easily distracted, which may be caused by the poor handwriting.
Strengths: example elaboration, catagorizing w/ 2 and beyond concepts, defining abstract words, labeling skill, visual perception, reproducing geometric designs from memory, counting blocks in a stack, Visual memory, and visual discrimination. Reading, Spelling, and aritmatic skills scored average dispite many illnesses that year.
Propensity to act like class clown or make lengthy explanations because of uncertainty of himself and anxiety in learning environments. Excessive time spent on drawings for fear of unrealistic perfection and dissapproval which child assumes others put on him. Poor planning indicative of distractability. Child frustrated over his poor writing and more stress feel lack of peer acceptence. Pattern of unresolved conflicts from earlier grades, built up emotions over school and difficulty expressing them. Patterns indicate fear of isolation and rejection. Loves fantasy indicating desire for power and control over his life, my react passive-aggressively to express feelings, become more isolated and my show compulsive and ritualistic behaviors. Desire for maternal approval.
These are exerpts from an evaluation at age 11.
Recall connected to recent comparison of AS info Part 1
posted at 10:55 am on 12-10-2004
While as I said before I tried to forget my past almost completely, perhaps mostly during my deep depression years, I have recently begun recalling them. I plan to write them down and then perhaps forget again. On that note I can remember an extensive list of confrontation with Alpha male neurologically dysfunctional humans, (bullies). In elementary years, I had one incident of a guy who was 3x bigger than me pulling down from a jungle jim cage. Others were challenged by me when they attempted harrassment and then picked on my NT brother. One I turned on for picking at my clothes even though he was much bigger. I remember a Michael Jackson incident, someone set fire to my head while playing with matches. Another several ganged up on me and from behind pushed down on a bus so they could use me as a trampoline, the jerk bus driver did not intervene until I attempted retaliation.
The only girlfriends I remember ever having all asked me or approached me first. Perhaps that spoiled me, because every attempt to do vice versa has failed, thus I essentially gave up trying. When I was in kindergarten it was easy, my drawing ability attracted female attention. I don't know how many times I failed to pick up on other female attempted lures. But I know even some of the more blatant, I failed with because of perfectionism or tunnel vision. If I was focused on another, no one else would do, I did not like mistakes and could not believe I was wrong even when I was in regards to who it was. I might be tunnel visioned onto one female and there is another who through a network shows interest then I make a luid remark and drove them away. This happened at least 3 times. Some actually called me, but if I saw even a microscopic flaw, I blow them off.
That brings to another pet peave or trait I have had for years, if I see even the tiniest speck a dirt on a plate or in a cup I cannot use it. If I can't wash it out and it is the only cup or plate, I won't eat or drink at all, even if my body compells me too.
A thought on the past
posted at 08:33 pm on 12-05-2004
Although I tried to forget my past altogether except for whatever knowledge I have accumulated, I have decided to try and remember it one last time to write it down. I believe the school system to be lousy, at least my memories are pretty lousy. I remember a Gallagher quote regarding some of my school experience "quit acting smart. duh! I'm okay now." in reference to a teacher talking to a student. That fits at least a few my experiences. Of course, I could broaden the phrase, to include, individuality, imagination, and humor. Being forced to conform is illogical. I mean it worked so well when the Europeans tried to conform the American tribes or the African tribes. I think how glad they were to be relieved of their so-called primitive beliefs that they had known only for some tens of thousands of years. This bugs me about the world. The inability to learn a d-mn thing from any past occurance. In high school they tried to teach chemistry. I do not think I lack the skill to have learned it, but that the high lacked the skill to teach it. He would go from numbers to words without regard to how he got there. I would stare and wonder, huh. One teacher I had when I was younger actually tied me to the chair and taped my mouth shut. This was typical of the school, they make a half hearted attempt to help to pretend to show they care and then give up. Occassionally teachers actually did care, but they were too few and too little to alter the overall bad sense. My mom said there were teachers that would call students in from recess and that I did not always heed this call. After awhile they gave up and let me stay outside. I never comprehended the concept of keeping in touch with friends on the occassions I had any. So none ever lasted more than a few years, basically every time I switched grades or school levels. I drew apparently well advanced of my age. I created pulley and gear based robot designs when I saw Godzilla movies thinking that the man in the suit was in a really big suit with robotic attachments. I went through what I call a stuntman phase on and off. I jumped a bike over my backyard with a passenger. I ruined a transmission shifting gears on the fly in a township. Just some thoughts I have had.
What does this mean?
posted at 01:49 am on 11-21-2004
Examples of memories from various times that may or may not qualifiy: I fixed a broken vacuum cleaner even though I was never shown how in any way, I fixed a broken pocket video game machine by feeling my way around, I stabbed my hand, but did not know until I saw blood coming from it, I nearly ended the respiratory function of student when I was 5, I locked my keys in my car while it was running, I had paint marks on most of the watches I ever owned because I kept scraping walls when I walked by, I slipped down a fence post another child witnessed this and was puzzled that I did not cry out especially after seeing the scratches on my back from this accident, I passed more than one vehicle at time on several occasions on non highway roads, my room has a path through all the crap laying around my room, I have gone grocery shopping many times and with a full cart questioned if one item was off by a penny of what I saw it for on the shelf and I have held up lines over one penny on one item for several minutes, I woke up with sore watery eyes and a stinging sensation in my nose that no one including my dog was aware of and discovered a pot cooking grease left on most of the night, I had tubes in my ears twice when I was young. These are a few things I can think of that might be consistent with one or the other ASADHD.
How likely is this true?
posted at 01:36 am on 11-21-2004
I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge in general. My desire increased while watching the Time Machine on tv, the '60's version. Because no one had any knowledge of the thousands of years of human developement. The same idea recurred on the Planet of the Apes with Charleton Heston. This gave me a fear that all knowledge could be lost, so I try to learn as much as possible about as many things as possible. So we would not have to start from scratch again and not be able to escape Earth before the next Super Volcano, like the one that is Yellowstone, or the Earth stopping its rotation in 20 million years give or take, or the collapse of our star and creation of a red giant that would envelope the orbit around Mars and thus swallow Earth up, or a meteorite crashing into Earth, or the next Ice age, or green house gasses which would turn Earth into Venus where the surface is hotter than the Sun's surface. I started reading encyclopedia's around the 1st or 2nd grade, when I suddenly got interested in all things Greek Mythology. I then turned to books, when I ran out of encyclopedias. This is what I recall was my first real foray into the knowledge quest. I now know a great deal of history, with special interest in truth in myths, military, inventors, writers, ancient civilizations. One of my recent strong interests is all things Three Kingdoms. I also have an affinity for a/v products, electronics, art, writing, computers, video games, technology, and books. I got into video games more so, because no one played outdoor or board games anymore. I got tired of havng no one to play with or having to wait for them if I did find someone.
posted at 01:10 am on 11-21-2004
I can help debating with myself the accuracy of this diagnosis and yet I can find nothing that would certainly rule it out. With a handful of exceptions I do or have done nearly all the symptons I have found for AS and ADHD. One source I scored positive on at least 51 of 77, 64 of 100 on another, 20 of 20, 6 of 6, and many of the traits I see I associated with it I can recognize. The same is true of my predominent diagnosis of AS, 36 of 50, 122 of 150, 69 of 100, 18 of 36 (this one the lower the score the more likely) eye emotion reading, 5 of 60 (same for low score) empathy quotient, 44 of 60 systemizing quotient, and 29 of 60 (17 or higher is the likely line) gifted test . I just never realized it was something I should have been concerned about. My mother said that when I was younger, one of the three previous attempts to analyze me, they said I missed the autism gene by a hair. If I can believe this diagnosis, I wish at least I would have been made aware of my differences so that I might have made an earlier attempt. Then again maybe my previous brushes with help subconsciously made me distrustful of professionals, since they tried, failed, and gave up before. Even during my analysis to evaluate if I had ADHD, my original intention, AS came up later as a possiblity and in the end as a positive, I could not answer some questions put forth, because I was simply unaware of whether I did them or not. But now it seems I match more things then I ever thought and every now and then as I learn more about both problems, I find more examples and perhaps more positives to symptoms. I ask myself, is being able to name almost any movie ever made in less then 1 minute of watching considered a trait. Sometimes I even find myself spinning pencils or other objects totally unaware that I was doing them, until put in perspective as one of the traits of AS.