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It was making a lot of noise...
posted at 07:12 pm on 08-23-2009
I did a couple of loads of laundry today. When I went in to switch one load into the dryer and start another, the washing machine just sort of whined at me when I pushed 'start'. I went and got my son and showed him the situation and he looked around, couldn't find anything and finally just tried the water spigot as a matter of course. The water was turned off. Weird. So, both of us knew we hadn't done it, and the dog didn't look guilty, so I asked Philippe if he knew anything about it. Oh yes, he'd turned the water off, he said as if that were normal. Why? I asked. Well, it was really making a lot of noise.
What????
So, right in the middle of the last load filling up to rinse, he had just turned off the water spigot and walked away without mentioning anything to anyone. It's amazing the pump didn't burn out during the draining cycles!
What the hell? Is that AS, bipolar, a guy thing, a French thing or just plain stupidly self-centered?
This man is driving me bananas!
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An Aspie In NT Clothing?
posted at 08:05 am on 08-19-2009
I just took the Aspie Quiz at:
http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
I was really amazed at my score. I seem to be half NT and half Aspie, scoring 111 out of 200 for Aspie and 113 out of 200 for NT. I think I would've scored higher on the Aspie end of things if some of the questions had been worded differently, as in, there are things that were drummed out of me by my parents when I was younger and so are no longer things I currently do and, since taking the quiz, I've been having some pretty tough flashbacks of some of the cruel things my parents, teachers and playmates did to me to "get me in line". I remember running around the house (ok, pacing very fast), humming some repeating little nursery song, pulling my pant legs up so that the hems didn't touch the tops of my feet and going up on tip-toe. I would chew my hair. I would chew the knobs on the inside of my mouth til they bled. I incessantly picked at my skin to remove ANY rough patch or bump as I just couldn't stand the feeling of them on me. I couldn't stand most fabrics on my skin and, even though I was raised in places like the Middle East and Africa, insisted on wearing undershirts. I still do that today. I would stand in front of the mirror for hours just staring at myself. I used baby talk until I was in my teens, and still have some favorite phrases I use sometimes, like, "Ebenezer Sneezer" when someone sneezes, "Turkey-Buh-Lurky" when someone is silly, and, "Mousin' Rowwin' Purr-Purr Bud-Bud" to refer to cats when I meet them. It all used to drive my mom nuts! And they couldn't extract me from my room! If it wasn't hours of playing piano, it was hours of re-arranging my books (oh and marking their bindings with the Dewey decimal system and putting them in order), or fiddling with my stamp collection, or drawing, or writing, or fantasizing, etc. My dad still has a 6 ft x 2 ft drawing I made of my idea of what the inside of a space rocket would look like. I had to tape like 25 sheets of paper together to get the right size paper! I was just weird, weird, weird! And it didn't stop just because they "banned" me from acting that way. I just internalized it. And from the age of 18 or so until this very day, I've had such a strange journey pursuing my most intense special focus: The pursuit of the truth about God. Oh, man, if you only knew "where" I've gone with that one! My parents are just so pleased that I finally have a "normal" life with an engineer. Oh, like life with Ph has made me normal! HAH! What a joke!
What I found to be interesting is that socially, inside of myself, I am very Aspie, but outwardly, I make huge efforts to do things as I'm expected to -- going to parties and hating every second of it, needing hours and hours a day by myself to focus on my inner world, hating noisy situations and loud-mouthed people who talk about nothing in particular, etc. I really want to want to be friends with people, but I just can't seem to enjoy the workings of most NT relationships and find all the getting together stuff to be a wearisome burden. My parents really have tortured me for this asp-ect of myself and to this day, try to make me feel like a weirdo for not enjoying a social life. Maybe I'm not as broken as people have always told me I am and instead, maybe I'm just a closet Aspie afterall!
I wonder... have a lot of my difficulties been because really, underneath all the NT learned behaviors, I'm actually autistic? I'm not so much upset at the idea of being "different" as I am at fretting about what the far-reaching future implications entail, like, who the hell is going to keep me and Philippe from just floating off into Autismland?! I'm just a bit shaken and stirred right now and wish I knew how to quell this mounting anxiety. Should I start a thread? Or would that just expose me to more judgmental stuff? *eep*
I'm feeling the old, well-stuffed heavy reclusive needs sneaking into my unconscious mind, like I just want to go hide in my room alone and think things through for the next year or so, but Life demands other things of me and so frustration will probably be the order of the day for a little while here. I'm sorry to just go on like this, I just really don't know who to turn to right now. Oh, like Philippe or my folks would be open to hearing this! OMG! My whole existence right now has been religated to keeping things "normal" so Ph can be as AS as he "needs" to be and still keep his NT lifestyle going! I can't let him or the other people around us down by just announcing, "Oh yeah, by the way, I'm probably autistic too. Think I'll just go over here and play with my special focuses for the next decade or so. And tough beans... that's just how I am and you all have to learn to deal with it!"
Wish I never took that stupid quiz. I mean, I had a sneaking suspicion about my "real" brain wiring, and others on this forum have eluded to the same idea. But I can't afford the "luxury" of being autistic! Is this sort of panic "normal"? Any words of wisdom?
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(I'd like to save the accompanying test results graphic here so that I can post it if I ever come across a thread that asks people to share their results: [img]http://www.rdos.net/eng/poly12b.php?p1=81&p2=43&p3=68&p4=72&p5=67&p6=66&p7=13&p8=29&p9=22&p10=36&p11=78&p12=48[/img] )
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Because Religion Came Up, Some Thoughts...
posted at 03:44 pm on 08-17-2009
I'm not a Christian, although I sometimes do refer to myself as a 'Christ-loving theist'. But I'm also a 'Buddha-loving theist' too, as well as a 'Nature-respecting theist', if we are to use labels to communicate our positions. I have learned that no religion can give any man God. Only living with purpose and exercising our God-given free will to reunite with Love (or not) can. Because, in Lea's world, God is Love. Simple as that. And no book can contain him (unless it only had one page with the word, "Love" written on it). And no idea about him put forth by men can describe him -- we are ridiculously too puny to grasp him completely. And Christianity does not hold the exclusive right to define him.
And, as far as I can find in this long search I've been on, Christianity has mistaken Nature for God. Nature is not God. It is subordinate to God. But Nature has free will and its own unique purpose and moves toward reunion with God in its own impersonal way(s). It is Nature that mindlessly and without malice causes plagues and earthquakes, and takes the innocent "before their time" -- not God. And it is Man, as tiny units of Nature, who cause things like war and genocide -- not God. So, beg him all you want... Love would never interfere with men and Nature's perfect freedom to choose their own path -- so you'd be barking up the wrong tree. And good luck convincing Nature to stop "doing its thing" too! Since when can a man walk into the sea and stop the waves? Our relationship with Nature is one of being powerless against it, and yet, we seek to dominate it at every turn. Even God chooses not to do that... why should we? And when I hear men call themselves "God-fearing", I can't help but think, "Yes, you should be afraid of Nature. It IS out to get you!" But then, by my estimation, that would make all of Christianity a Nature-revering practice, not much different than the pagan tribes it once obliterated from the Earth, and boy, would that ever tick off a bunch of people, so I pretty much keep that one under my hat. So, when it comes to Nature, I know that I just have to find my place in this huge chemistry set full of forces I can never master. And since I am the only thing I can master and self-mastery is nearly impossible, how could I ever think that just the right prayer would fix me up? Or stop hurricanes? Or cause men to change their minds about killing one another? I have a voice though. And I have these arms and these legs. And a life to give in service to Love. That's enough for God. So, it's enough for me.
I have no need to worship God, who is Love, because real Love has no need of groveling. I have no need to fear him, because Love does not punish. I have no need to feel shame for my mistakes, because God's designs are by definition, perfect, and my mistakes offer me perfect chances to grow. And praying to God to remove some imagined stain on my soul is just me attempting to foist my lessons onto him... something he'd just lovingly refuse to do, because Love never interferes with growth. If one is to use their Bible as a source, I would point them toward searching for the phrase, "original sin" anywhere in either Testament (go here for ease: http://www.biblegateway.com/). It does not exist. It only appears in DOCTRINE, originally written by Paul, who never knew Jesus and spent his career rooting out Christians and persecuting them. I see his works as just a continuation of that persecution, because how better to destroy a people than to enslave them with fear of Hell and damnation, both concepts that he invented. He was a con-man and he is indirectly responsible for a lot of harm... just start with the Witch Hunts and the wholesale murder of nearly every Peruvian Incan and you get some idea of how destructive Christian doctrine can be. I can't give that sort of history my Love or support and find it to be wholly un-holy. Paul was not Jesus and neither was John (who bequeathed Christianity the horror show (!) that is the Apocalypse in Revelations) and yet those two authors are responsible for something like 19 of the 27 books contained in the New Testament. Plus, most Christian doctrine finds its foundations in Paul's writings. If Christianity would do away with Paul's writings altogether, I think Christianity could become a good "place" for men who love Jesus' message, pure and unadulterated with all that talk of sin and God-fearing, to find comfort and unity together. As it is now, it can never help men find the REAL God, because Love cannot be found in ideas that lead men to loathe themselves. Even Thomas Jefferson wrote that Paul was the "first corrupter of the doctrines of Jesus".
So, I have no choice but to love Jesus for his message of brotherhood and discard any organized group spirituality calling itself Christianity (which, if one were to really read the N. Testament with an open mind should be re-named, Paulianity) or that uses the Bible and/or Paulinian doctrine as its well-spring of knowledge of God (note, not "belief in God"). And, to me, Jesus' capacity to "save" a man's soul is something totally different from what my Christian fathers would ask me to believe (I disdain the words "believe" and "faith" when it comes to God and opt to use the phrases "I know God" and "I trust God" in their place.). The lesson I get from Jesus' execution is that, at the time, no man lifted a finger to save him. That was what I think he meant when he turned his face to the heavens and said, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." He wasn't talking about the Romans. No. The Romans weren't his friends. He was talking about all the people whose lives his Love had touched and how all of them (the apostles included) ran away when he needed them most. Man failed "the test" of Jesus' martyrdom. And they fail today every time they accept and consume his transmorgrified flesh and blood at the altars of the Eucharist. And every effigy of Jesus that has ever had its hands and feet nailed or pinned into place on a crucifix for the last 2000 years is just another sign that the men whose message Jesus' life was supposed to be for -- the Christians -- are STILL aiding and abetting, by not standing up for him and calling it WRONG, in the injustice that was his death. We save ourselves when we save him... even today, and even if just symbolically. That for me is what Jesus' purpose in my life is -- to save me from selfish cowardice and show me that courage and impeccability are acts of Love, and injustice should be met with some sort of resistance, on a person-by-person basis, not as a frightened, obedient group.
There is so much more I could say about how I have actively done my part to "liberate" Jesus from the hold Christianity has had on him for 2 thousand years. But, heresy bothers most Christians and just reading about it can frighten the hell out of some, and I don't want to do either, so I will leave it rest there.
In service to Love,
Lea, non-religious theist
If anyone is interested, I had a conversation with some nice Catholics once on a Catholic forum. I went by the user name "godislove" and was referred to as "Elle". You can read that here: http://forum.catholic.org/viewtopic.php?f=65&t=48433
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For those who take the time to read my blog...
posted at 10:34 am on 08-10-2009
...this is what I look like in real life!
http://www.behindthename.com/members/pictures/67568.jpg
I think it's important to put a face and a name to such personal sharing as I'm doing here. It would be really great if more of you who blog did the same! Please leave a comment if your photo is up on your blog so I can go have a look, ok? :)
Peace,
Lea/Feyhera
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In Defense of Neurologically Differences
posted at 09:49 am on 08-10-2009
Just the phraseology that classifies AS as a condition or a disease or something to be "cured" leads us down the wrong path. "I have AS" says, "I have something wrong with me". This type of statement is wholly misleading. The AS mind is not broken. It is just different. And Nature, in all her infinite wisdom, has seen fit to create all sorts of variations on general themes. Yet, those who have AS brains are not a different species -- they are homo sapiens -- and they may very well be an evolutionary step towards something new. Or they may be a by-product of the millions of influences made on human genetics by what has been favored throughout Man's history. And Man has favored innovation and discovery almost universally. Almost universally. And the exceptions to the rule may offer us an insight into some of the "reasons" Nature has taken this course in human evolution in some cultures more than others. It's a hypothesis, and I have no empirical evidence to support my supposition, but, I just wonder... what is the prevelance of AS or autism in general in such cultures as those tribal peoples living in the Amazon or New Guinea? Historically, I think we would find that primitive people who have not embraced innovation, exploration and discovery have a much less occurence of autism within their populations. These people have not even invented the wheel for themselves yet. I wonder, if after exposing extant neolithic cultures to the "wonders" of science and technology and encouraging them to look past their jungle worlds at the bigger universe around them, that after some dozen generations or so, autism wouldn't start to become more prevalent.
What I am asserting is that humanity has inadvertantly selectively bred for autism. We have put a great value on engineering, math, physics and all other sciences which catapulted us into the Space Age. And it would explain the greater incidence of AS in males as opposed to females: Men have traditionally been the only ones allowed to enter the professions. I think that as time goes on, and woman are more and more accepted as engineers and physicists, Nature will respond by evening out the ranks a bit and more female Aspergians will be born.
This, of course, is all just supposition. But when I hear people speaking of a "cure" for AS/autism, I get this niggling sense of things, that is to say, I can't help but feel I "know" that Nature didn't make a "mistake". I think the answers we seek have nothing to do with training Aspergians to be more like NTs. No, I believe our answers lie in integration and tolerance. And how does that relate to the day-to-day life some NTs "endure" in AS/NT relationships? With more understanding, with more "diagnosis", NTs and Aspergians could make better, more informed choices around marriage and other closely bonded relations. And, yes, there will be some NTs who can't manage the lifestyle they'd live in which the Aspergian's needs (or lack of needs) were given 50% consideration. And there would be Aspergians who'd make the informed choice to bypass trying to muddle through a life with a "needy" NT. But those choices would be made with acceptance of both types of people's perspectives taken into account, and thus, neither party -- the Aspergian or the NT -- would have to suffer feeling discounted or confused about what is expected from them.
I think this is the direction modern study and research into AS should go. I don't think it's a medical issue. I think it's a sociological one. As long as we treat AS as a disorder of the brain, we will be sentencing all Aspergians to isolation. I am reconsidering my own ideas for my Masters degree because of this insight. I wonder now... shouldn't I be looking into Sociology or Anthropology instead of Psychology?
What do you all think of this point of view?
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At the root of all this Hell...
posted at 07:13 am on 08-10-2009
Underlying everything in my marriage, there is this awful seething anguish and despair relating back to something my husband did within weeks of our wedding. He is a Catholic and religion is one of his special focuses and so, when priests stopped allowing him to have communion after our civil wedding, he did something pretty ugly. And it has pervaded our union every since. Below I've copy/pasted a thread-starting post from a Catholic forum which I wrote around a year ago, seeking advice from Catholic laypeople. It tells the story by way of a timeline:
=====================
Hello
Can someone here, someone who's compassionate and not just full of doctrinal regurgitations -- which I've had my fill of -- tell me how this works please? I'm desperate:
-In 2005, my soulmate who is Catholic asked me to marry him
-I accepted and btw, I'm not Catholic but was willing to look into converting and even had a couple of unofficial "catechism" classes, ordered a subscription to Magnificat, attended Mass every Sunday, etc.
-He asked me to go to PreCana (Catholic pre-marital classes) -- I did, for his sake and out of interest
-He went through with a civil ceremony with me in May 2006 (I found out later that he was well-aware that that service would mean nothing to the Church authorities) which now just makes me feel used and unrespected -- would he have done that to a Catholic lady who would have known the rules?
-I moved from my home in the US, selling my house and saying good bye to my grown children and the rest of my friends and family and gave up a decent job all to live with him in his country of origin, France, knowing no French, not having working papers, etc.
-He asked me if I'd re-marry him in the Catholic Church
-I consented, thinking it was no biggy -- I love this man -- why not? I'd marry him again everyday if he had asked me to!
-He tells me, nonchalantly, that he'll need to go through a marriage tribunal in order to get a Catholic wedding because of his former marriage that was officially annulled with the condition that he have a tribunal if he ever wanted to remarry.
-He came to me a few days after our civil ceremony and told me that our civil wedding was invalid in the eyes of the Church and that the priests would not allow him to take Communion, which he seemed to really need, all because he was "living in sin" with me.
-I personally went to one church in the States while we were still there and two separate churches in France and with my broken French and the help of my "father-in-law" begged the priests to give him Communion, telling them that he has some psychiatric issues that Communion seems to help mitigate. They refused.
-I appealed to my "husband" that our union was between him, me and God and that we didn't need anyone outside of that triad to judge it. He seemed to not notice my mounting indignity, my terrible grief, my hurt that our very sacred union was now open to strangers who know nothing about us or our love for each other and who I personally had no reason to respect (I mean, how much does a Catholic priest know about the love between a man and a woman?!) and went ahead, against my STRONG appeals not to, and filed for a marriage tribunal.
-As the time wore on while he waited to hear back about his tribunal appointment, I became more and more upset, feeling terribly discounted, completely ignored based on doctrine-before-decency and, at all costs needing to eat Christ! Of course, my budding interest in joining the Catholic Church began to wane and I began to lose the simple joy I had had when attending Mass with him. I stopped wanting to go and every time I pass a church now, my stomach lurches.
-Then he got his appointment date. By this point, I felt that he had questioned the validity of the sacredness of our marriage so completely that I had no choice but to attend the "interviews" in order to plead for a replacement wedding for the one that had been completely destroyed in my memory. But my big push was to help my Catholic "husband" (who I considered brainwashed at this point!) to get his much-needed Communion back! So I agreed to attend.
-There were 3 interviews in all. The first was with both of us and a tribunal priest where my "husband" did the translating for me. The second, I attended alone and they had brought in a court-certified translator. During the third appointment, we were both interviewed separately and then together by an official Catholic forensic psychiatrist -- someone they use for child molestation cases. Quick question: Why was I interviewed? I don't remember being mandated by the Church to have a marriage tribunal! During these interviews, I was told that my children were illegitimate, that my 12 year marriage to my first husband was a farce (even though I did everything a good wife is expected to do!), that I was an "invirtuous woman living in sin" with a man I wasn't really married to, that if I wanted to be "right in the eyes of God" I should sleep in another room, never dress in front of him, etc., but preferably, one of us should move out. At one point the psychiatrist asked me, "Did you enjoy sex with the father of your children?" I was soooooooo taken aback that I had to gather myself together for a moment, you know, catch my breath. When it took me a while to answer, she took it to mean I was ashamed to answer and offered, "Well, you had two children. If you hadn't liked it, you wouldn't have gone back the second time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And the way they talked down to me when at the end of one session they "instructed" me that I could not refer to him as my "husband", that he is only my "fiancee" and that they understood that it would be difficult to obey their demand that we not have sex until we had the Catholic wedding -- like a cared about sex in the face of EVERYTHING ELSE!!! I'm 40-something years old -- not some sex-starved teenie bopper!!!!!!! How shallow and insulting!!! They were calling me a whore and trashing my marriage and it was my "husband" who asked them to do it!!!!!!!!!!! All for a piece of Jesus every Sunday???!!! Is that what Jesus came here to teach us???????????????? Is that a real relationship with God, Who if He is nothing else, is LOVE????!!!
So what do I do if they come back with a "no" edict? Theoretically, if I were a Catholic lady, I'd be forced to leave, right? What would they expect of me -- to live in sin for the rest of my life? To dutifully go to Mass every Sunday with a man who will be seen as an adulterer living with an adulteress? To watch him never ever be able to take Communion because of me? To be cast as a person who got between him and his idea of God's love?????????? Wouldn't I be forced to give him a civil divorce and leave him?
And what if they do say "yes"? After all this, why should I want their wedding sacrament? It totally symbolizes anguish and loss to me now. And since I'm not Catholic, I haven't found ONE priest or church layman to talk to about this!!!!!! I have no-one to reach out to! My non-Catholic family just thinks it's all stupid and I should ignore it all and DEMAND that my husband put a stop to the tribunal who are now off somewhere considering their decision about whether my love for this man and his for me are GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEIR CHURCH! We were told it could take up to TWO YEARS to get an answer! Two years for me to sit in this situation where I'm expected to be an "invirtuous" woman??????? Well, I think it will be a moot point by then. Love can be killed. Or at least sent away. And my love and faithfulness given without condition cannot make up for his love and faith withheld in the name of his religion.
I am so lost, afraid and deeply wounded -- can ANYONE post some rational words of wisdom? (please, please, please don't just cite doctrine at me, unless it is to explain away the "wrong" I sense has been done here)
Thank you.
==========================
Well, since posting that, Philippe and I did go to a couple of marriage counseling sessions to try to unravel my rage and his apparent inability to understand why I'm so upset. He maintains that since I'm not a Catholic, I really have no reason to be bothered by what a few Catholic priests say about the validity of my marriage vows... WHAT?! In the meantime, I live with him as a wife, doing what wives do, fighting almost on a daily basis for some modicum of respect for the golden band I placed on his finger 3 years ago. The best he's been able to muster in response is to cancel the Tribunal... after I explicitly told him that, now that he has effectively brought the validity of our vows into question, I can't think of any way to fix this unnecessary situation other than to go on ahead with the process and secure the right to have a "real" wedding to replace the "invalid" one that has been dragged through the mud! He ignored this and, in a moment of fear and anxiety and without conferring with me or letting me read his letter, wrote to the Tribunal requesting an end to the proceedings!!!!!!! And to top everything off, he "sneaks" Communion at churches where the priests don't know him or our situation! SO WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT ME AND OUR BRAND NEW FRAGILE MARRIAGE THROUGH THAT HELL IF HE'S WILLING TO CHEAT ANYWAY??? And why can't he see and understand the destructiveness of his selfish ways?
Our current marriage counselor just heard about the Tribunal at the end of our last session with him and was heading out on a month long vacation the very next day. He asked us to be prepared to discuss it with him when we meet again in Sept and I thought it would save some time and energy (because I'm sick of re-telling the story) if I just re-posted about it here in my WP blog where I think he might find it. So, Olivier, if you have read this, please be prepared: This subject is a huge black stain on the foundation of my and Philippe's union. It started days after our "wedding". I have lived with this betrayal and negation for years now and it colors everything -- especially when Philippe acts cruelly and selfishly with me. It is a constant subject of conversation around here and as much as I would like to just let it go and get on with my life with my "husband", I can't. You see, I can't take in how Philippe wishes me to see it -- he just wants me to see it as a non-event, that is, having gone through a Marriage Tribunal is exactly the same as never having gone through a Marriage Tribunal. And putting a stop to it AFTER all the ugly was done, to his mind, should be enough to ease my heart.
A betrayal mitigated by another betrayal fixes nothing. I really don't know why I'm still here....
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This pain is just too much...
posted at 04:02 pm on 08-09-2009
I've been away from WP for a few days because my husband has had the week off and so I have been spending time with him. He goes back to work tomorrow.... and not a minute too soon! Every day has been stressful and heartbreaking. But today was the absolute worst.
It started out like all the other days -- he and I trying to "communicate" for most of the morning. Even when I'm at my best and employing every NT ability to make allowances for his horrendous lack of empathy and social graces, it's a drain and un-fun. But today, he finally showed some real emotion and started talking about the day he received my letter, 30-something years ago, that told him I'd married someone else. My heart went out to him as his eyes filled with tears and his voice trembled in the re-telling. I reached across the kitchen table and took his hands into mine and wiped his tears away as they fell down his cheeks. Finally, as he was trying to describe which street in Paris he was walking down as he read that horrible letter, he blurted out, "Oh, would you let me take you there? Could we walk that street together, now, 30 years later, as husband and wife? And maybe we could sit at the old cafe where I used to have my morning coffees as a student and you could write me another letter, the love letter I was so hoping your rejection letter was going to be."
Of course, I agreed. So hand in hand, and my heart re-opening to him, we strolled the streets of Paris together looking for the exact spot where he had opened and read that fateful letter so long ago. Eventually, he found it and we mused about how things could've been different "if only".... Then he found his school-days cafe, we ordered some coffees and I wrote a love letter to heal and replace the "Dear John" letter of so long ago.
After an emotional reading, we sat together, quite snugged up to each other and he said, "Thank you for the miracles you have brought to my life" which is a gratitude he expresses quite often in reference to how I've helped him regain his life and career after finding him rotting away in a French monastery 4 years ago. In response, I said, "You're welcome. But now it's my turn. I need a miracle in my life now," referring to my desire to return to school and get the credentials to practice psychology here in France. His answer hit me like a bucket of cold water: "Yes, you and God can create that."
The pain of his words rocked me to my core. Here is a man who, one week after our wedding in the US, fell into a deep psychotic episode, didn't sleep for four days, begged to be returned to France because his paranoia was telling him that US psychiatry would labotimize him or something, who required deep sedation in order to travel on the plane, a 7 hour trip during which I held his chin in my hand as his drool slid down my forearm and pooled at my elbow! Only to take him to his parents, who spoke no English, who treated me like a derelict while I was expected to keep him from "bothering" his mother while he recuperated! It took 3 more months before he was even well enough to start looking for a job, in the meantime, we lived off his disability and the kindness of friends and family, bouncing from hotel to hotel, and from home to home, trying to keep our heads above water, and only having enough money to contribute a little to the food budget everywhere we went! Finally, he got a temporary job and I had to teach him, from scratch, what good manners and hygiene were and why they are important -- he was like a caveman! To this day, I shine his shoes regularly, trim his nose and ear hairs and his eyebrows and force him to wear a fresh dress shirt everyday. I also had to make him brush his teeth in the morning. And that doesn't include all the advice and emotional support I gave him to keep him mentally sound and confident enough to go to the job interviews. It took about 7 months to finally get the right job. And now, he works for probably the top aeronautical/aerospace company in France! Then, after the job began, I've been his very own personal image consultant and career counselor, listening to every little concern and helping him find the most "NT" way of handling things. There's also the hyper-vigilance for the psychotic episodes (like the one we just barely averted recently) that has kept him out of the psych ward and able to go to work and function.
I don't list all of this to gain praise... or sympathy. I list it all to show that the "miracle" he so often speaks of and thanks me for was just PLAIN HARD WORK AND LOYALTY!!! And so, when it came time for me to FINALLY ask for a little bit of reciprocation, I get, "you and God can create that"!!! Not, "you and I can create that"???!!!
Look, if I'm on my own (oh, that's right, I've got God... grrrr), then I want to BE ON MY OWN!!! I really don't think I have much more to give this "relationship", poor aspie or not!! I am thoroughly disgusted and truly HATE him right now!
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An Aspie Poem
posted at 11:28 am on 08-01-2009
(to be read while listening to this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIIL5p7_WKk )
Delicate, pâle compagne
Qui se précipite vers,
Contre les lumières féroces,
Les mémoires profondes dansent au delà de sa atteinte.
Un rose mauve,
Sans épines sur la branche,
Appelle: "N'avance plus là où brûlent les feux de la douleur ! "
Parles: "Viens à moi, un Observateur patient, qui attend dans l'éternité."
Hopefully, I didn't make any errors in typing from the handwritten French original.
The translation (or as close as I can get):
Delicate, pale companion,
Rushing towards,
Against, ferocious light,
Deep memories dance beyond her reach.
A violet purple rose,
Thornless on the branch,
Calls: "Venture there no more where pain's fire burns!"
Speaks: "Come to me, a patient Watcher waiting in eternity."
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A Very Interesting Proposal
posted at 07:03 am on 08-01-2009
Philippe and I saw our marriage counselor, Olivier, the day before yesterday. During the session, he told us that our situation was unique as he sees it. I can't remember exactly how he formed the thought, but to paraphrase, he just seemed to think that we are actually doing quite well and that, with a love as strong as ours, we have every chance to make it together. He went on to suggest that Philippe and I start writing our story together, in the form of journal-keeping -- his, mine and ours (3 separate journals) -- and that we should then consider trying to get what we end up with published. What was mind-blowing was that he offered to add his voice to the project, including his notes and comments about our progress and so on. It was a heart-felt offer and Olivier seems like a very busy, successful professional, and not someone who goes around offering his time and energy in just any old thing. We felt deeply complimented and supported and see a project like that as a huge positive step toward saving our precious relationship. And, in the process, if we can help others down the road with our story, then *wow* what a wonderful ending our story would have. And for the record, we have yet to find any books about AS/NT relationships written by French people in French. Even the French medical establishment is still pretty ignorant about adult AS/HFA.
I gave Olivier the url for WP and my user name so he could peruse my posts and blog. So, Olivier, if you're reading this... merci beaucoup pour l'espoir et l'encouragement. Philippe et moi considérerons sérieusement ce que vous avez proposé.
À bientôt!
Lea
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Ok, ok, ok. New day. New me. New WP!
posted at 05:17 pm on 07-27-2009
I just have to post something positive, or I'm going to pop! Yes, a couple days ago I was on the verge of just heading off into the sunset, never to return. But, the human spirit seems to always prevail and at the direst times, the goodness in those around us who really do give a crap just bubbles up to the surface. I see now that the posters who tried to get it through to me that most of the people here are decent, well-meaning, kind and thoughtful were absolutely right. Go look out there on the boards! There's all sorts of people talking about the betterment of the site and putting forth solid ideas, and even though I don't agree with all of them, they're rallying around and fighting for their community! I am gobsmacked. And I extend to anyone who may have been hurt by my lack of faith, a heart-felt apology for not having more faith in what good people there are here.
Rock on, WP!
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WP Just Seems to Be a Cess Pool of Hatred!
posted at 01:37 pm on 07-23-2009
I don't think that WP is the place for me. The hate and discrimination toward NTs is just way over the top. I live with an aspie who doesn't take care of his end of relational things and has hardly any effective communication skills, saying offensive things to me all the time. Reading what all the angry aspies here have to say is just compounding how bad and discounted I feel.
Thing is, I was bullied as a child. I was different, weird, geeky myself. I can't blame it on the fact that the people who were mean to me were NT. No. They were just assholes. Being an asshole is not a genetically wired-in thing. And assholes can learn to be nice people. I got hurt in ways that a lot of these aspies did, but their words of hate are pointed at me as if I was a party to what they experienced! Why can't they see that they've allowed themselves to become exactly like the people who hurt them! And their words damage my self-esteem just as much as any grade school bully's. I think WP would be better served if they promoted the concept that NTs are not the problem. And for aspies to pigeon hole their abuse issues into, "the damn NTs did it" they are certainly NOT going to have an easier time of it.
I don't think I need to come here anymore. I'm going to at least take a break, or just go to the games area and hang out there instead. I'm more exhausted now than when I first signed up and I actually have less interest in fighting for my NT/AS marriage now than I did before. This place is making me sick to my stomach!
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In a World Full of Aspies...
posted at 09:24 pm on 07-22-2009
They say the NT world is stupid and full of hypocrisy. They say we are cruel and out to get them. They say that NTs are dull-witted, shallow and compare us to cows. They call our traditions and rituals useless, meaningless nonsense, put into place purely to alienate those who don't 'fit in'.
So, why don't they leave? Why don't they go find a place in the world that they can call their own and set up an aspie-only civilization? Why haven't they done so already? Why do they stay here, playing the victims, blaming NTs for all their problems and raging against us, as though they are our prisoners?
What would a world full of aspies look like? Would it run smoothly? Would people interact or would they wander about lecturing to no-one in particular because there'd be no-one there who'd care to listen. Where would they get their food? And clothes? And cars? And all those other things that, in the NT world, were available because of cooperation and a built-in need for community. Aspies disdain social interactions, spit on the importance of dealing with the mundane, scoff at the love that binds all humans together in our mutual need to survive. Aspies want alone time. But the alone time they have in the NT world is supported by all the NTs who make sure that the food arrives at the grocery store. And to get it there, there are a myriad social interactions between the moment the seeds hit the soil and the cucumber slices are added to the salad.
In an aspie world, it would be every man for himself. And every man would be alone. And every man would sit in front of a computer, or an easel, or a musical instrument, in his own private cubicle, with no distraction, to pursue his focus to the exclusion of all other pursuits. And every man would, in his solitude, decide that he is the most intelligent man. But without others with whom to share the fruits of his intelligence, what good will his intelligence be? No other aspie will want to hear his ideas. No other aspie will be wondering how the other aspies are doing. No other aspie will care if any of the other aspies need help. And, no aspie will take up the job of figuring out how to get thousands of aspies to work together to get the food from the soil to the table.
That is what their NT servants are for.
Right now, I would like to have my freedom from my aspie tyrant. I don't wish to serve such a selfish, self-involved, self-important person. I think he, and all the other aspies who agree with him, should find that Paradise where they can go and make a world for themselves. And leave us nasty stupid demanding unreasonable NTs alone.
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FIRST WEEK OVERVIEW
posted at 07:02 pm on 07-20-2009
I'm noticing that the weekends tend to be more rife with problems than the rest of the week. Reason? Obvious. He's at work or sleeping 95% of the time during the week. So, minimal contact with me. It just seems to me, so far, that the more time we're exposed to each other, the worse things are. I know that sounds not worth noting, but, I hadn't really noticed it before.
This week seemed full of delusional thinking, megalomania, cruel jokes and disconnection during "conversations". Communication was downright painful and, I found myself staying away from him so that there was less chance for talking to one another. My libido is nil. I see him either as the Patient or the Man-Child, neither of which causes me to feel in any way attracted, because I'm either thrust into the role of Psych Aide or Mother, neither of which allows for passionate desire.
A subject that was not part of any particular interaction this week is the Kissing Issue. I used to love his kisses. They were for me the best ever. I learned to kiss when we were both 14... from him! So, we used to be a natural fit! That's gone now. He grabs me. Or steps in front of me as I'm walking by, nearly knocking me down. Then he sticks his tongue out as his face is rammed into mine. Then he violently "kisses" me, slobbering all over my lips and chin. He bends into me, forcing my neck and head way back into an uncomfortable position. I'm pushing on him, trying to gain my balance and some relief from the head/neck thing. That just seems to encourage his assault even further and I just have to pull away from him and demand he stop. He's always dismayed why I don't want to kiss. Like I'm just being unreasonable and frigid with him. I've tried to explain things to him, tried teaching him some other ways of kissing me that aren't so offensive, but nothing I show him or say stays in his head. Ten minutes later, he's attacking me again! And acting like I'm unreasonable again. And I show him again. And then ten minutes later, HE DOES IT AGAIN! This can go on, literally all day on a weekend day. I get to where I just put my arms out to ward him off if he starts to walk towards me. I hate this. It wasn't like this before. And I want his kisses. And I want him to get it right, not just for my sake, but for his. Because, I'm sure he's very confused and hurt that I don't like kissing him anymore. Like we needed this crap on top of everything else. Dammit!
(Comments)
Sunday, July 19, 2009 -- Fourth Event
posted at 07:00 pm on 07-20-2009
Just a while later at the dinner table:
For the millionth time, he's just spent 10 minutes describing all the things he does on his computer to piss off Microsoft. Pissing off Microsoft is one of his special focuses.
Him: (with a look of manic self-satisfaction on his face) ...but I am sneaky about it because I don't want them to know that I'm using all this old software and manipulating the system so that I don't have to pay for any updates. It's my war against these greedy bastards. I'm an anonymous guy and I'm sure that I am famous at Microsoft for bothering them. Who is this guy? they must be asking themselves!
Me: (bored to tears with the same old uninteresting, delusional garbage I've heard for forever -- and it wasn't even slightly thought-provoking the first time I heard it either) *sigh* For one thing, if they really wanted to, they could find out what you're doing and who you are. Obviously, what you're doing isn't important enough to bother with and neither are you. Get a grip. You're NOT famous nor even slightly annoying to them. There are some REAL bad-ass characters out there who are ACTIVELY WORKING DAY AND NIGHT to get Microsoft, and they are WAY more computer and internet savvy than you are and have nothing better to do with their time than come up with extremely awful ways of destroying the company from the inside out. Just think of some of these genius hacker kids who can take over and demolish a whole corporation's, hell a whole government's, entire database! You can't seriously believe you're in THEIR league!
He outwardly and superficially acknowledges my point, but you can just see in his eyes that, at least internally, this has had zero impact on the manic little hamster wheel his brain is currently on. I persevere, even though I know I'm pretty much talking to myself now. Because he's not having a conversation, he's got a script he's reading from and it MUST be allowed to run its complete course! No-one else exists at this moment except him...
Me: And as far as being anonymous goes, why bother?! You can find TONS of people on blogs openly flaming Microsoft. Their IP addresses are easy enough to track down and investigate, if Microsoft so desired . Guess what? They've got the same genius hacker kids working for them, and if they wanted to, they could find out what you ate for breakfast this morning! (I nudge my genius hacker-if-he-wanted-to-be 20 year old son) Am I right, Seth?
Ph looks up from his plate, openly horrified at the prospect and glares at Seth, who is completely relaxed and obviously not perturbed by this common knowledge.
Seth: Sure, it's all over the place on the internet.
Him: Where?!
Seth: Just look up the phrase, "Microsoft sucks" on a Google search.
Gulping down the rest of his meal (because eating [to the point of rupturing something, usually] is another one of his special focuses which cannot be denied. [NOTE: he did not go back for seconds! A huge self-denial, so an indicator of how freaked out he was]), Ph jumps up and rushes to his computer. He spends the rest of the evening there looking worried and agitated about what he's finding from his Google searches. I'm thinking, well, maybe now he'll get a solid reality check and drop this whole "campaign" against his nemesis, Microsoft. Eventually, an hour after his usual bedtime, he comes to say good night to me. I can see in his eyes that the manic hamster has a gun to its head. Oh, dear.
(Comments)
Sunday, July 19, 2009 -- Third Event
posted at 06:59 pm on 07-20-2009
So, on the same walk, I find out why Ph agreed to go with me. He's got some papers he'd like to go copy at the internet cafe. (Which is weird in itself, since we have a scanner/printer at home. I point this out. He says, well, we were going out anyway, so why not? I answer, because it costs 30 centime (like 50 cents) per copy AND the internet cafe is like WAAAY over there, nowhere near where we usually take our walks! He doesn't get why that seems odd to me. Oh, well) Anyway, I ask him what he's got to copy. He gets really animated and starts telling me he's registering an "antreprenorial-ship", a French thing that sounds something like a proprietary claim, and not quite a patent.
Me: For what?
Him: For probiotics.
Me: What's that?
Him: The opposite of antibiotics.
Me: Explain.
Him: Using beneficial fungi to control bad bacteria. Like the mycology you find in good cheese, or the good bacteria that live on our skin. I believe that good bacteria can be used in a spray to clean homes and our bodies and clothes.
(As a housewife, the thought of intentionally spraying fungus or bacteria, "good" or "bad", on our toilet seat just doesn't sit well. Excuse the pun. But I soldier on...)
Me: Do you know anything about mycology?
Him: Not much. I made cheese once.
Me: So how can you register your idea if you don't know anything about the subject?
Him: I'm just going to make a record that I thought of it first so that if anyone tries to develop it, they will have to give me money.
Me: I'm pretty sure that no-one owns the rights to the concept of antibiotics, so I'd guess the same would be true for any probiotics that may or may not get developed in the future. Anyway, what makes you think this hasn't already been explored? There are tons of mycologists and biologists and other scientists out there looking for ways of controlling disease and contamination naturally. Have you researched this at all?
Him: No, I just never heard of anyone doing it so I want to be the first to claim it.
Me: And if someone starts developing probiotics, what will you do?
Him: I will force them to include me in the marketing of their products and I will make money from holding the rights to the idea.
Me: How will you force them to do that?
Him: I'll sue them.
Me: (with a sarcastic tone of voice, because he sleeps 12 hours a night, works 10 hours a day and takes long naps on the weekends -- his meds kick his butt) And then you'll spend all your free time getting probiotics on the market? (now, more seriously) You love this idea so much, you'd be willing to quit your job and devote the next 10 years to it? Because that's what developing a new idea and bringing it to the world market takes, you know.
Him: No, I wouldn't do any of the work. I'd just be involved in how the money would be made.
I give up. Yeah, sure... go for it. Won't hurt anything and if it makes you happy, why not. Sounds outright delusional and incredibly naive to me, but I'm just the irrational, over-emotional, NT housewife who doesn't have anything of value to share about this NT world we live in.
Thing is, somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that I'm seeing a sign, a sign that all is not well in his head. This makes my fear center itch and I know I could be looking at a psychotic episode if he's not brought back to reality IMMEDIATELY. His BPD is nothing to mess around with and, unlike most people who, when they dream silly dreams, nothing bad happens, he and I cannot afford to play around with any fascination of him being famous and/or powerful. His mania takes over and then we're up to our eyeballs in doctors and hospitals for the next 3 months! I am truly disturbed by his latest weird vision for himself. And I'm basically all alone with dealing with the outcome if he spirals into psychosis... *eek*
(Comments)
Sunday, July 19, 2009 -- Second Event
posted at 06:58 pm on 07-20-2009
On a walk, (a walk I'd asked for in order to calm down from the day's OTHER lovely events at home) some little kids approached us in the park to meet Bling-Bling, my adorable little dog. Their French was too fast and full of mispronunciations for me to understand them (like our kids saying, "pasketti" when they mean, "spaghetti"). And my French accent is so bad that they don't understand me, not having the ability yet to figure out what I'm saying from context, like adults can. They really want to pet Bling, but are a bit reserved with him, obviously well-warned to be careful around dogs they've never met before, regardless if they're cute and small like mine. So, relying on my French husband to act as interpreter, I try to reassure them that my doggie is nice and would never ever hurt them. They are genuinely afraid, so when I hear my husband say, in French, "Oh, be careful, he could rip your arm off!", I'm appalled. The kids visibly shock and back away. I understand one boy to say, "But my hand is bigger than his mouth!" and one mother nearby sitting on a park bench visibly tenses and starts taking a real interest in what we're doing. I'm embarrassed and horrified. He thinks it was a great joke and that I'm over-reacting... AGAIN. I get us out of there and try not to interact with anymore people for the rest of the walk. It makes me want to curl up and cry til I can't cry another tear.
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Sunday, July 19, 2009 -- First Event
posted at 06:56 pm on 07-20-2009
Me: I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm being led down a path toward getting a Masters in psychology. (wink, wink -- inferring my 2 year long search and ongoing efforts to learn more about AS and BPD, plus all the psych aide/lay counselor stuff I've done in my life, with him and others)
Him: (excited facial expression) Yes! You're very good at Business Administration!
Me: Huh?!!
Inside of me: SLAM INTO THE WALL! Agitation level rising fast! Hurt, offense, feeling discounted, misunderstood and completely taken for granted starting to cause complete outrage! Uh-oh. Here we go again.
Me: Why can't you ever acknowledge ALL the friggin' FREE and PRETTY GOOD lay counseling and 24/7 support you've been receiving from me for the last (hellish) 3 and a half years and, hey, that's a friggin' talent and takes tons of love, energy and time, you bastard! (defend, defend, try to get thru to a crazy man, defend, defend...) and what the hell does Business Administration have to do with being a good psychologist?! What? I could do the filing well?!
GRRRRRR! Note to self: "Trying to rationalize with an irrational person is, itself, irrational." So, I'm nuts, too!
He's shocked. He's always shocked when he offends me and I react. Somehow, he's always the victim. He's the 'poor sick innocent baby-man' and It couldn't ever be that he NEVER takes care of his end of the conversation. No. I'm a bitch. That's the only 'rational' explanation, right? Anyway...
Me: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!
Him: I was just remembering how you and I discussed before that you don't need a Masters in Business Administration because you don't want to do it for a job anymore.
He'd retrieved and reviewed an old conversation in his head, where he revisited conclusions we'd made previously about an unrelated subject, without voicing, in the moment, where his thinking was taking him and before bothering to reply to my original statement that I thought my life has led me to getting a psych degree!!! All that in the span of 2 seconds!! I guess my participation in our communication just isn't mandatory and any conversation I start can be hijacked with impunity and any problem I have with that is greeted with complete dismay. DAMMIT! He's the friggin' God of Non-Sequitors!
(Comments)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
posted at 06:55 pm on 07-20-2009
According to Ph, I've only been making dinner every night "for a couple of weeks" because he remembers a time (like 6 mos ago) when I was too depressed (nervous breakdown about this stupid apt) to make dinner every night. That was like for a month, tops! Out of 3 and half years!!!!!!! So, he just remembers that he had to make dinner once in awhile during that period, so in his mind, I've "never consistently made dinner" !! His words, not mine.
Then, when I wouldn't just let it drop and MADE him really look at why he sees me that way...
Him: Well, I see you making dinner, but you don't seem to enjoy it and often you are in a panic to decide what to make or you don't start to make it until it's late.
Me: So, if someone doesn't enjoy a task, but they do it anyway, that somehow cancels out the fact that they did it at all?
Blank stare. Shrugs. Slowly, an innocent guilty expression spreads across his face. Says nothing. Leaves that last thought of mine just hanging in the air. This tactic usually works on his parents. They just get exasperated, throw their hands up in the air and leave the room. He sees that as a 'win'. Or at least confirmation that he's right. Hate him, hate him, hate him!!!!
Me: Fine. So, according to your way of interpreting things, you NEVER take out the trash.
He looks stunned and confused. Oh, and there's that slight smirk sneaking in there that says to me, 'Wow, you are so irrational and over-emotional. See why I'm superior?'
I just want to slap his face!
Me: Well, you don't seem to enjoy it, so, according to your very own criteria, that means you can't take any credit for doing it.
He says nothing and goes and lays down. No resolution.
God I friggin hate his guts sometimes!!
(Comments)
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
posted at 06:54 pm on 07-20-2009
HIM:"Where's my cell phone?"
ME:"I don't know."
HIM:"Where IS my cell phone?"
(we both see that we're going to start teasing each other; we're kind of laughing and smiling)
ME:"I didn't know it was my turn to babysit it! I don't know!"
HIM:"You better tell me where it is or I'm gonna' do something to you!" (he's smiling big now, like the Cheshire cat. I'm thinking he means he's gonna grab me and tickle me or something; I laugh and play along)
ME:"Oh yeah? Whaddya' gonna do to me?"
HIM:"I'm gonna' get a knife and carve a pentacle in your face and burn holes in your cheeks with a cigarette!" (still smiling)
EEEEERRRT!!!! END OF FUN TIME!!! Time to call the psychiatrist.
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009
posted at 06:51 pm on 07-20-2009
After leaving the apartment at noon, before Philippe even got out of bed, and spending the entire day visiting my friend Rebecca, (another American expat wife who has no family here) and her new baby -- 9 hours of metro, getting lunch for all the other visiting guests, helping out with the baby -- I came home and told Philippe that he was going to have to make dinner because I was exhausted. He says, no, he doesn't want to because he's just spent 4 hours installing 3 kitchen cabinet doors (that's a total of 6 hinges). I insisted and then went and laid down for awhile. I got up to find that dinner still wasn't even started at 9pm. When I asked Philippe, "Aren't you going to make dinner?" he answered, "No, I'm not hungry" and then was shocked and had no idea why I became so upset.
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Saturday, July 11 2009
posted at 06:42 pm on 07-20-2009
Philippe tells a joke:
"An alien abducts a human. The alien wants to know what humans eat, so he sets the human free in the wilderness and watches him to see what he will eat. After many days without finding anything to eat, the human begins to starve. Finally he finds a rat and kills it and eats it. The alien re-captures the human and from then on, feeds him only raw dead rats." That's funny to Philippe. He was all smiles and really expected me to laugh or something. I found it disturbing.
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This is the first post, of the first blog, of the rest of my life...
posted at 03:51 pm on 07-20-2009
...in a country that resembles France, oddly enough, but, as I'm frequently reminded, is really a far-flung outpost of the strange and mysterious land of, Aspergeria. There's only two natives here with me, Philippe and his dark twin, Philou, but they share the same body. It's no coincidence that Philippe means, "lover of horses", and "filou" is the French word for "swindler". Philippe is always loving and attentive, and often funny and interesting, while Philou is often cruel and selfish, but always distant and cold. I love spending time with Philippe, but find it near to impossible to give Philou the time of day. They are so unalike, these two halves of a whole, and I am not always sure "who" I am with, from one minute to the next.
Lately, I've grown less and less sure... and more and more alienated from both. And so, the writing began...
================
Hello!
My name is Lea, known to my WP friends as Feyhera, and I am writing this blog about my life with Philippe, my aspie husband. What I will be posting here are journal entries about daily life as an NT spouse, living with a newly diagnosed adult aspie, who also has bipolar disorder. I welcome friendly advice and support and am seriously exploring all the many perspectives I could have when I don't necessarily understand the why and what and who of my neurologically different husband. I love him. That's all I really can be sure of. And I love him, even when I insist, in those moments of despair, that I don't.
So, please share your thoughts, ideas and suggestions regarding what you read here. I am completely open to all positive and helpful views, neuro-typical (NT) and Asperger's (AS) alike.
Thank you in advance for your support, encouragement and assistance with finding my way through this world I am having terrible difficulty understanding on my own.
With warm regards,
Lea/Feyhera
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