It distresses me when I come to blows with others. It distresses me when I am misunderstood, and my expressiveness of emotion on the net viewed to be little more than an emo seeking attention... why does that distress me? Probably because I have fought such battles in my life, not only in terms of abuse, but also with myself and my own emotions. One might think that I express with ease, but there is not an emotive post I make without afterwards feeling like deleting it, viewing it as pathetic and pointless. So it really does dig deep if while fighting my own internal battle with this, others decide to stomp on me and stomp on my efforts to deal with my distress, that at the time, is actually quite genuine. Maybe it is attention seeking? Is it not natural when in distress, for a human to reach out for a hand to grab a hold of? Is that in itself not seeking attention? Yet it has come to be seen as this negative thing. People can choose to hold out a hand or to ignore and withold their hand, but to belittle someone for expressing their emotions is a small thing to do indeed.

Each clash with another person initially sends me into a destructive tailspin as my mind tries to fathom why I am being attacked and how people can be so cruel and not see me for who I truly am...but then, I ask, who am I truly anyway? I question endlessly, asking myself, are they right? Which parts are right? Am I who they seem to think I am? I can only say that recently, I have been badly misjudged and badly misunderstood and it distresses me as I do my damndest to be honest and out in the open and willing to discuss things sensibly if I am not poked and prodded and pushed and slapped verbally in ways it is obvious will cause distress. I am reasonable until someone takes low blows, using my sensitivity as an excuse to bully me. I find that behaviour appalling and incomprehensible. It is not something I would do to another and I don't expect it to be done to myself.

I make mistakes. I have done a few things I maybe should not have on the forum in my duties as a mod, and I have admitted this and confessed to that sin. At least I have the balls to do that and try and let go and move on. But as soon as I move on, I am steamrolled over again and thrown off course because, try as I might, I cannot deal with conflict and I cannot deal with my emotions being criticised and pooped on when they are such a large part of who I am inside. I am the first to admit I am very thin skinned in many ways. I implode on contact with certain harsh words, and people know this and use it as a weapon against someone who is doing the best that she can given her past circumstances and the damage done by that.

I am not emo. I have deep emotions and a lot of sadness and they rise to the surface more when I am under extreme stress.

I am not an attention seeker. I am simply emotionally honest and open and need a little hand to right myself when the stormy waters unbalance me a little. No-one is forced to offer me support or understanding. And I am always grateful for that which people give, and amazed that there is still such kindness in this world. I do not seek attention, I seek understanding and maybe, sometimes, solace...just simple words to calm my roiling thoughts and feelings.

I wont apologise for who I am. Anyone who speaks to me regularly, will tell you I am the first to talk of my faults and my flaws. I do not hide them. I am well aware of my issues. And less aware at times of any good points I have.

Oh, but I wish I could travel back in time, for if I could, I would have somehow seen sense and not allowed my pain and anger to carry me away. I never intend to hurt anyone, I really don't, and I am not generally a drinker, in fact, usually, I abhor drink, but certain things had conspired to build up and cause me such pain and I lash out sometimes when I am in pain...

I am human, and far from perfect, that much I know, but I suppose, I always have some hope that those I have explained this to might be tolerant of my flaws and accept me for all of who I am, both good and bad. I am useless at communicating in a logical way sometimes, for in the end, my emotions come into play. I cannot be a vulcan. I never will be. I can pretend, and conceal my emotional side, it is true, but would you, my friends, wish me to do that and show you a parody of myself? A false facade?

I am soulful, I am deep, but with that comes the down side. I feel intensely and I am passionate. It cannot all be positive, truly it cannot and with it comes my explosiveness. There may sure be some truth in my hurtful words, for I do sometimes find people cold and find that hurting me as I try to interract on a mixed level, but nay, I do not see it as meaning they are truly emotionless and feelingless and all negative. I do not. I can accept people for all they are, even if sometimes I show irritation at it, we are not going to like everything about everyone we meet, it simply isn't possible, but should that be a bar on friendship.

I hate it when a friendship ends, at it seems such a shame to give up based on a few incidents. I am the kind of person who favours forgiving and trying to move on, even discussing what went wrong and trying to come to some viable solution, but to rip a friendship away is so very cruel, even though I did hurt and did make stupid mistakes and was in my way, selfish and thoughtless... surely my seeing that and knowing it is enough for there to be hope?

Or am I not worth the effort to resurrect things, and make another go of it? Do my positive elements really not outweigh the bad? Can I not be forgiven for having allowed myself to sink too much into my own misery without regard for others? Do I have to become vulcan to be accepted in this place?

I won't apologise for being who I am. But I will apologise for hurting you and not making more effort to not lash out.