"THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL FLIRTING"

by GroovyDruid

Have you seen the movie Twins? In this comedy, Arnold Swarzenegger portrays the better half of a set of twins (the other one being Danny DeVito). Swarzenegger’s character is buff, educated, a genius, unflinchingly honest, and a kind human being to boot. He has one problem: he was raised by a brilliant scientist on a desert island. He has never been around women before, and he has no idea that they are attracted to him. In fact, he’s never had any kind of relationship at all. He is uncomfortable with romance and has trouble making one work.

Sound familiar?

Romance tops the list of problems for many aspies. This shouldn’t be surprising. NTs find it hard enough. Several huge industries make it their business to teach NTs the mysteries of love, sex, and marriage, and yet relationship councilors audit a steady stream of NTs who have problems making a romance work with their partners. Relationships aren’t easy for anyone. Aspies occupy the unenviable position of playing the game of love handicapped, so to speak. Aspies lack social circuitry. Reading members of the opposite sex for the all-important clues that make or break the first flirtatious encounter becomes, for many, an exercise in frustration and a constant source of stress and low esteem. A detour around certain aspects of this frustration exists. We will explore that method here.

The Problem

First some background on why aspies have the romantic problems they do. In a nutshell, people on the autism spectrum find reading any of the intentions and emotions of others difficult. Recently, scientists at UCLA found what they think is the answer to why this difficulty occurs: all humans possess a set of neurons—called mirror neurons—that fire off the same way whether a person does an action himself or watches someone else perform an action. this gives NTs a duplication mechanism. It helps them to learn things by watching others, because, in a sense, when they watch someone else do something, they do it themselves in the mirror neuron section of their brains. This applies as much to watching someone’s emotional reactions as fixing an engine. Emotions manifest through body language. NTs unconsciously read body language from one another and duplicate it with their mirror neurons like other actions. This way, they get a copy of the other person’s emotions and can intuit how another person feels.

For NTs, the action of mirror neurons happens in an unconscious and effortless process. They don’t realize where their empathy comes from. What the UCLA researchers discovered was that mirror neurons activate much less or not at all in the brains of people on the autism spectrum. Their empathy mechanism doesn’t work. The result? They receive no intuitive information on the emotional state of those around them. Even when they consciously focus on reading body language, they find its meaning elusive. For most intents and purposes, aspies are socially blind.

Flying by Instruments

the theory I put forward is that social blindness need not shut down social activity. There is another way to deduce the emotional state of others. To explain this method, an analogy is helpful. In flying planes, pilots do something called “flying by instruments”. When a pilot can’t see because of darkness or clouds, the he must rely on his flight instruments to tell him where he is how high, and which direction he’s pointing. You can use a similar process when dealing with people. The process involves education and observation.

To use this method, you must read about kinesics (body language). There’s no way around this work. Many aspies want to magically enable their mirror neurons and reach into their intuition to understand others, but this is a haphazard and unscientific approach, and it fails more than it succeeds, causing embarrassment. Many good popular books exist on kinesics, and the rudiments can be picked up quickly. You’ll learn to analytically recognize clusters of behavior that indicate NT emotions and states of mind. The clusters are numerous and distinct. Pretty soon, you form a habit of remembering what the experts have said about the meaning of an NT’s posture, hand positions, leg positions, eye movements, and other body movements. The understanding derived from kinesics becomes your set of instruments, so to speak. Once these instruments are in place, you begin to practice them every chance you get.

Okay, Flirting…

You’re probably wondering, “When is this dude going to get to the part about how to flirt? I want to know how to get with somebody!” Thanks for listening to some theory. Here’s the practical application, the low-down on how to start using kinesics to meet people and refrain from screwing up.

I’ll be writing more to the guys in this section, because they have a harder row to hoe: they have to initiate encounters, so they have more work to do. I hope aspie ladies will find this explanation helpful, too. I am in essence explaining the NT modus operadi of flirting for guys, and that should help the ladies recognize it and respond correctly.

The Game

Romance is a game. It is the guiding light of flirting and relationships. NT women crave romance. They buy billions of dollars of books, novels, magazines, self-help CDs, and movies every year about romance. For a good relationship, a man must create romance. What are the ingredients? Well, for a man, his availability must be doubtful. Guys who are easy to get aren’t romantic. A romantic man must be independent, confident, able to communicate well (not to be confused with “always communicative”), safe (not to be confused with “boring”), and above all, creative. This is where flowers, chocolates, inventive dinners, thoughtful gifts, and surprise marriage proposals enter the equation. To a woman, these are signs of a creative man. He creates romance.

By the way, you’ll want to pay close attention this section, because a lack of romance leads to the dreaded “just friends” debacle. All aspie men know what I mean: you meet a woman and talk, and there seems to be a connection, until finally you go for the date or a kiss. She drops the bomb: “I really like you. But I just want to be friends.”

“&%?*#@!” you mumble as you walk away.

What happened? Odds are that you made her like you, not love you. Why didn’t she love you? Because you didn’t create the romance, the allure and mystery that makes women lose their minds and date those horrible, smelly, inconstant creatures called men. The result: you get pleasure of being her friend and watching while she goes off and dates a cave man named Stu who treats her like dirt and has her coming back for second helpings, all because Stu knows how to create romance. Time to change the paradigm, hm? Back to our discussion.

Practicing with Burt

We know we’re aiming for the romantic man. But how does this translate to behavior? Allow me to introduce Burt, the aspie Casanova. Burt is average in just about every way imaginable, except that he’s learned the love game. We will step through a successful flirtation with Burt:

Picture a party with many chatty NTs all drinking martinis. Burt enters the room. He is well groomed and looks good but not flashy. Before the party, Burt had the foresight to check with a tasteful NT friend to make sure his clothing was appropriate and matched. His ‘look’ is definitely his own, and he is comfortable with himself. Also, Burt has his body language instruments ready. They tell him to stand straight and keep his shoulders back. He walks with a strong step and keeps his head up at all times, because romantic men are confident and must put off confident body language.

Burt walks to the bar. He tries to make eye contact with every woman he passes, even though it feels unnatural. Burt knows that flirting begins with your eyes, and he tries to make eye contact with every woman he could possibly want to meet. A few women avoid his gaze completely. This doesn’t surprise Burt. They were older or were with a boyfriend. They were saying with their eyes, “I’m taken. Don’t bug me.” A few girls look Burt briefly in the eye and pass on by. They have said, “For my own reasons, I’m not interested in you right now.” No problem. Burt knows that in the game of love, women choose men, and you can’t push your interest on a woman who, for a thousand different reasons, isn’t interested in you right then. No need to be discouraged. But wait! One woman (call her Charlotte) makes eye contact with Burt and holds it a little longer than is normal, more than a second by the clock, as she passes Burt. Bingo! Charlotte’s gaze said, “I’m intrigued.”

The Approach

Burt goes to the bar and picks up a beer. He knows that the look meant, but he has to verify interest. Better to be sure, because nobody likes to be shot down. Burt casually glances over to where Charlotte stands with a friend. After a moment, Charlotte gives Burt a little look again out of the corner of her eyes. Burt makes eye contact for a moment and gives her a little smile, then turns away. Sure enough! Charlotte’s interested and has been checking Burt out, and he caught her. The game is on!

Here’s where Burt’s knowledge of romance helps him out. Before he understood the love game, Burt would have screwed his courage to the sticking place and marched over to talk to Charlotte right away. Big mistake. Now, Burt knows that the romantic man can’t seem too interested, because that makes him available, thus unromantic. Burt turns away after the second round of eye contact and makes no immediate attempt to get near Charlotte. He knows she will be burning with curiosity: “Does that cute guy really like me?” Romance is in the air, and Burt will keep Charlotte in that tension of “Does he really like me?” for a long time.

Burt spots a friend near Charlotte. He ambles over and chats with him for a moment. This gets him near Charlotte without it seeming planned. His friend goes for another beer, and Burt is left standing by Charlotte. Because of the two looks they have shared, Burt knows that she is expecting him to small talk with her. It’s very important. Why? Because romantic men are safe, and they are able to communicate well. Light small talk allows Charlotte to quell her common womanly fear that the man she’s with is among the serial murderers, rapists, abusers, and stalkers the media warn her of every day. Burt also shows Charlotte that he is a responsive and good communicator, the number-one quality women dream about in a man. (For more general info on small talk, ready my article “The Secrets of Successful Small Talk”.)

Burt knows that smarmy lines like, “Hi, I’m Burt!” or “What’s your sign?” or “Hot enough in here for ya?” will seem contrived and desperate to Charlotte. Burt thinks to himself, “What is interesting at this party? What do she and I truly share?” Burt realizes the music’s unusual. He says out loud, “This is some funky music, huh?” Charlotte smiles. She brushes the hair back over her ear and turns to squarely face Burt.

“Yeah,” Charlotte says. “I once heard this band live blah blah blah” and the small talk is off and running.

Raising the Stakes

Burt now must be sharp with his body language instruments. The flirting isn’t over, not by a long shot. He and Charlotte will continue to flirt via body language for the rest of the evening. Burt must read Charlotte to know how physically attracted she is to him and how fast she wants to take things, because she’s an NT woman and she’ll never say it out loud. She expects a man to notice. Burt must not go to fast, or he’ll make her uncomfortable. He must not go too slow, or he’ll seem weak, hesitant, and unromantic.

Burt can handle it. Already, he notices two good signs. Charlotte pushed her hair back from her face. This is a grooming gesture, an unconscious attempt to make herself as attractive as possible. Also, she turned to squarely face him. This stance cuts out the possibility of other people joining their conversation. If she had stood at an angle, it would have been a body language invitation for a third person to join the conversation. But no, she just wants to talk to Burt.

As the evening goes on, Burt notices more and more signs that Charlotte is attracted to him:

--Charlotte pushes her hair back, straightens her clothes when she thinks he’s not looking, and moistens her lips.

--She exposes her palms and the soft skin on her wrists to Burt’s view often. She stands straight, pushes out her breasts, and stands with one foot pointing toward him at all times.

--She tilts her head to the side when listening and makes abundant eye contact, sometimes biting her lower lip.

--As she and Burt go to sit down, she walks with a roll to her hips, like a fashion model on a runway. As she sits down she first crosses her legs with the top leg crossed toward Burt. Later, she even kicks off a shoe and pulls one leg underneath her.

Burt knows the flirtation is going very well. Charlotte has moved closer than the socially acceptable 18 inches several times. She has also “accidentally” touched Burt on the chest and arm. Burt knows that NT women never touch anybody accidentally. She is sending strong signals of interest.

Burt plays it cool. Of all the romantic mystiques to maintain, the most important is keeping one’s availability doubtful. It’s also the easiest to goof up on. Burt stays close, but he keeps his hands completely off and doesn’t touch her, even by “accident”. She is tense, wondering whether she has him or not, and he doesn’t want to resolve that romantic tension. Not yet. Instead, Burt plans out and sends back his own body language signals of interest:

--He returns her eye contact and gives lots of feedback to her small talk: “Really? You’re kidding!” “Um hm.” “Jeeze…” He talks as much about her and as little about himself as possible, because romantic men are mysterious.

--He stands in an aggressive pose with his legs spread and his thumbs hitched in his belt or pockets.

--He “cuts” Charlotte out of the group by moving closer than 18 inches and blocking any possible approaches from other men. He makes signs of ownership by leaning on objects near her. Any guy who tries to butt in will feel like a butcher at a vegetarian convention.

--When they walk to sit down, Burt walks with a swagger. He sits first crossing his top leg over and toward Charlotte. They both now sit this way. It is the same motion as standing squarely to someone: they form a closed pair. Later, he sits with his legs spread wide.

The Payoff

Burt allows romantic tension to build until the small talk is winding down a bit. He knows that romantic men are creative, and he has a romantic, creative idea all ready for Charlotte. He asks her whether she has been out on the balcony yet. She says no. He says the stars are beautiful, and she’s got to see them. They both understand this is code language for getting away from the crowd so that Burt can kiss Charlotte. He leads Charlotte away from the party to the quiet balcony.

After a few moments, Burt finally breaks the taboo on touching Charlotte. He gently takes her by the arm and turns her toward him. Charlotte is thrilled. Great kisses go exactly like this, and she’s expecting it. There’s no way Burt will be refused. And he isn’t…

Meeting Megan

We will now step through a shorter flirtation from the viewpoint of Megan, the aspie seductress. This should be of equal value to men and women who want to further understand flirtation.

Megan enters the party of martini-sipping NTs, and she’s interested in meeting a man. Her body language instruments are all ready to go. She must overcome the number-one flirtation killer that aspie women are especially prone to: seeming distant or closed off. First, Megan scans the room and sees several men she finds attractive. She has a goal: to get one of these men to talk to her. Megan knows that, since she is a woman, she gets to make the initial choice of whom to draw to her.

Megan walks to the bar and consciously puts a roll to her hips, like Charlotte earlier. As she passes the men she finds interesting, she stands straight with her shoulders back and her chest out. She attempts to make eye contact. Several of the men don’t pay any attention. They’re talking to someone else. No big deal. However, one man (Doug) catches Megan’s gaze. Megan holds Doug’s eyes a little longer than usual as she passes him, and goes on to the bar, where she orders a martini. It is hard to break her aspie habit of avoiding eye contact, but it has worked. The game is on, and the rules say that Megan must now wait. She knows to put herself by the bar, where Doug will have several excuses to come close to her. She talks with a friend, but she is careful to stand at a 45-degree angle so that there is a natural place for a third person in her group when Doug comes over. Megan carefully checks to make sure she hasn’t crossed her arms or her legs. She doesn’t want to send out closed body language. She checks Doug out of the corner of her eye several times.

Before she knew the rules, Megan found waiting for a man confusing. Why not just walk over to a man and strike up a conversation? Through study, Megan learned that NT men want to pursue, and if they don’t have to pursue a woman, they don’t usually appreciate her. Megan was treated badly in several relationships because she was too forward and landed an NT man who, because he didn’t have to pursue her, took her for granted.

Megan doesn’t wait long. Doug comes over to the bar, ostensibly to get another beer. His approach isn’t very clever: “Hi, I’m Doug.” Megan doesn’t mind. After years of struggle in romantic situations, Megan tolerates other’s missteps. Doug came over to her. That’s the important thing. She and Doug start up small talk. Megan notices that Doug is turned more toward her than to her friend, and that he has his foot pointed toward her, even though he doesn’t know it. Megan’s friend senses this and excuses herself to go see some other friend.

Encouragement

Megan understands that she must encourage Doug with her body language while still allowing him to pursue her. As she makes small talk, Megan consciously puts off the signals Charlotte used earlier. She reveals her palms and wrists, grooms in front of Doug, and stands with her chest pushed forward. She cocks her head to the side and works hard to keep lots of eye contact, because an NT finds obvious encouragement in these signals.

The encouragement works. Doug gradually moves closer to Megan and relaxes. He stands straight and pushes his chest out. He grooms for her by straightening his jacket and hitching up his trousers. The small talk becomes more intimate, and Megan allows Doug to cut her out of the group so that they become a pair.

By the end of the evening, Megan wants a kiss from Doug. She has a problem: Doug can’t seem to make the creative move to get her someplace quiet. He is in some distress because of it. Now, many girls would find this disgusting. Any man who can’t play the game well in all respects should be punished, they would say. Megan knows different. Doug seems like a great guy, and she is confident enough to help him make his move. Megan mentions that she lives close by, but it’s late. She needs a ride home. Doug latches on to the idea: he’d be happy to see her home, then come back to the party to help clean up.

Doug sees Megan to her doorstep. Megan knows that Doug must be stressed out, wondering if his kiss will be accepted. She knows how to make it easy for him. She says goodnight, but doesn’t move. She stands facing Doug. As he moves closer, she raises her chin and halfway closes her eyes in a seductive gaze. Doug wins his kiss and leaves with a phone number for a date later on. Mission accomplished.

Owning Romance

Many self-help books on dating and romance tell you things like, “just be confident! I’m confident, and just look how many men/women I get!” This sort of rah-rah salesmanship really brings you no closer to getting a girlfriend or boyfriend than you were before, and makes you feel inadequate in the process. My goal has been to show some steps drawn from study and experience to improve your knowledge of body language and the game of romance. The knowledge will lead real confidence, that you can create romance when you want to.

Something to keep in mind: aspies have a tendency to hoard their mental privacy, what I call their “mental space”. They don’t usually like people invading their mental space with questions or small talk, and so they often avoid making the all-important approach to an attractive man or woman out of respect for that other person’s mental space, even if the other person is NT. Allow me to put your mind at rest: very few NTs hold any sanctity for their mental space. If the body language indicators are present, then you are expected to make conversation, and to do so will not impinge on their mental space at all.

I wish you success!

Recommended Reading

Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love by Allan Pease

The System by Roy Valentine

How to Succeed with Women by Ron Louis and David Copeland

How to Succeed with Men by Ron Louis and David Copeland

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

JediFrogman wrote:

This is a meaty question. I'll see whether I can give you some ideas:

First, you've heard the term "battle of the sexes"? Well, it's called a "battle" because in courtship, for the relationship to succeed, a man and woman do a species of fighting in order to establish respect and admiration for one another. If there's no courtship manuevering, then a couple usually lacks much passion. That's why nice guys finish last: because they don't know when to be a gentleman and when to tell a woman to take a long walk off a short pier, mind her own business, shape up, or leave. (Not to be confused with shouting or physical abuse, by the way. What I'm talking about is firmness and independence. Intimidation of a woman in any way is cowardly.) For a woman to respect you, you must present yourself as of doubtful availabilty, independent, comfortable with yourself, and above all, creative.

I mention this because it gets right to the core of how to start relationships. When you meet a woman, for her to be attracted to you, she must sense the traits I listed above right away, or you'll at best become "just a friend". She must feel that you create excitement and romance.

There are exceptions to this. Sometimes a calm, happy relationship blossoms out of a deep friendship. The difference here is odds: to be successful at large with most NT women, you have to come across as creative, independent, and interesting. You might find someone else by chance, you might not. If you wait, that's the chance you take. If you want to make it happen, then you must go out and do battle. That battle includes flirting, body language, and a lot of small talk and clever banter.

There is a pitfall in the clever banter approach too, though. If you don't really like excitement and romance, if you don't create those things much and don't want to, then presenting yourself that way at the beginning of a relationship will only lead to problems later when the woman finds out you're not what you seemed.

I recommend using body language to observe women first. You'll be able to tell who's interested in you. You'll also be able to tell what kind of men she's really drawn to by who else she flirts with. Is she after flashy guys? Loud ones? Does she like deep conversations, or is she giggling, dancing, and creating nonsense? Once you've established that a woman might well be interested in the kind of guy you really are, then you can use your skills to make the best small talk you can and see whether you catch her interest.

If you go about flirting and courting in this way, you have a much better chance of success. The fact is, even amongst NTs, most people aren't suited to each other. Throw in a variable like Asperger's, and the results are even slimmer. Getting a relationship is hard work, but you can get one and keep it if you take an objective look at yourself and match up with women who seem to be attracted to your true qualities.

Also, you mentioned that someone said 95% of aspies never get into an intimate relationship. That may or may not be true. They certainly have a hard time in the area of love, sex, and marriage. Nevertheless, aspies are capable of good relationships. The trouble is, very few aspies take the time to learn and practice skills to attract mates and learn their NT ways, so of course their percentages of success are going to be low. There is very little deep understanding of our syndrome, even among the people who have it. Many aspies expect relationships to come naturally, like they do for NTs. This is a gross misunderstanding that banishes many apies from romance altogether. They sit waiting for love to knock on their door, and it never comes. Were there more understanding, aspies at large would know they have to learn romance as a skill, like reading or riding a bike. They cannot expect to either understand or be understood without a great deal of effort.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

quietangel wrote:

Yes, that is a very good question. I can tell you right now that other aspie women have had that problem. How widespread it is I can't say; however, this is a problem for aspie women for sure.

The problem is that submissive behavior, like dropping one's gaze or averting the eyes are NT signs of flirtation. NT women also cock their heads to the side and bite their lower lip when smiling to show vulnerability. All these signals say in body language, "Come and get me, big boy."

This causes dangerous situations for aspie women. If they are on a date, an NT man will misconstrue the signals and move toward kissing or sex. If the aspie woman resists, her protestations may not be taken seriously because they contradict her earlier, strong signals of interest. Also, the man may think the prostestations are part of playing hard to get, or a prelude to rough or kinky sex. NT men have a strong instinctive urge to push through such contradictory indicators.

I have heard stories of aspie women getting raped because their "no" wasn't taken seriously. Many others report unwanted attention.

If you want to back up a "no" with congruent body language, then make eye contact when you say it, even if it's just for a moment. You can also cross your arms, your legs, and turn slightly away. And if you must look away, don't look down. This says in body language that you're checking out the guy's body. Instead, look up, above eye level. He will feel small--literally--and rebuffed.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

redvelvet wrote:

First, a disclaimer: I've never dated someone with AS. All my dates and girlfriends have been NT. So like you said, I'm only putting forward theories here. No personal experience.

That said, I have a pretty good idea of how it would go. Two people with AS would probably be drawn together when they observe one another's behavior in synchronization. It might be that they both stand to the side at a party. They might find that they are drawn to looking a some interesting inanimate object and strike up a conversation. Or they might be working together and come to admire the other person's straightforward attitude. Any way it happened, it would be a situation in which the two realize that they share a common reality. This would lead them to communicate and very quickly admire the other person.

At that point, like you said, someone would come right out and say: "I like you. Would you like to go out?" After a relatively short time, I would expect there to be a deep bond based on similar past experiences and hardships, and presents needs and goals. I suspect two dating aspies would dispense with many of the games NTs play, such as "I'm not too available, so you'd better value me." Two aspies would be very frank about their admiration and desire to spend time with the other.

I don't want to cast aspersions at any dating aspies, but I would also expect that certain problems would be more prevalent in aspie courting. Aspies can misread each other just as easily as they misread NTs. I would expect that there would be misunderstandings along the lines of "I can't tell whether you really like me!" I would expect some jealousy and more than average self-doubt in both people, because of all the painful dating and mating experiences they've had. Both parties would have to make an effort to put out clear verbal communication and signs of appreciation that the other can understand.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

I think virtually every aspie man on the planet has asked himself this question at one point or another. I know I did for a long time.

We covered some of the techniques for raising the stakes in the excellent question you asked about touching. We'll go over some of the other do's and don'ts for raising the stakes instead of 'folding' by mistake.

Raising the stakes and avoiding the "Let's be just friends" syndrome is simple, but one must be precise. This is where most aspies go wrong: they have no natural hardwiring to manage non-verbal communication, so they fail to be precise. They commit a blunder like the three you described in your question. The trick: learn the path and stick to it. Once a woman is interested in you, the path consists of establishing safety, showing doubtful availability, and leaving her an opening to close the deal.

Safety

Men complicate dating and mating much more than they need to. Women choose men. That's the way it works. And once a woman has chosen you and you have picked up on her interest, then the problem is how not to screw it up. You don't really have to 'up the stakes': they will 'up' themselves. But countless men screw up, and aspies are no exception.

The first way to screw things up is to come across as unsafe. This is really important. Women in this day and age have an enormous amount of anxiety about unsafe men. The media bombards them with stories of rapists, molesters, creeps, abusive oafs, psychopaths, serial murderers, and rich football players who stab their wives. In the forefront of a woman's mind when meeting new men for a potential relationship is, "Am I going to be safe going places with this guy?"

The traditional way to establish safety is small talk. A woman will watch a man during small talk for telltale signs of creepiness and weirdness. Does he give and receive conversation well? Does he seem nice? Is he drooling over me or being too aggressive? Is he rushing things or is he receptive to my pace? She'll listen to his words, but more than that, she'll watch his body language. As you might imagine, this is where aspie men have the most trouble.

Fixing one's small talk skills is work: buy some of the books I've recommended on body language and small talk and learn to comport yourself. There's no way around this. Once you've got the knowledge, then some tips to follow in conversation are: Don't joke about violence. Women rarely find that interesting, and it scares them. Don't send out too much interested or aggressive body language right away. Also, read her body language and get a feel for how fast she wants to take things. If you follow her pace, she'll feel comfortable around you.

Doubtful Availabilty

We already covered this in the other article, but I'll go over it again quickly: Women aren't interested in men who are available. They are programmed to want the ones who are hard to get. Don't touch a woman you're just meeting at all, and don't tell her for sure that you want her, either by your words or body language. Talk and flirt with other women. Be fun and interesting in small talk. Keep her guessing until the very end about whether you're hooked on her. She'll be enchanted with you.

Raising the Stakes

After you've established that you're a safe guy and you've shown you're open to her pace but are not easily available, then all that's left is to close the deal. She's ready. You're ready. What's the hitch? One little thing:

Women aren't allowed to be straightforward in our society about coming onto a man for a kiss, a hot make-out, and especially sex. A woman who is overt about wanting these things is labeled a whore. You must use code language and recognize the unspoken signs. This is another deathtrap for aspie men, one of the places they falter all the time. They aren't sure about the code language and signs, so they fail to close the deal.

If you want a date, that's the easiest to swing. Not much code language involved. "Would you like to go out for coffee sometime? Or dinner?" That and similar easygoing phrases are code for, Let's get to know each other better with the posibility of a relationship. The only thing to watch out for is--since you're postponing any physical intimacy--to not look too excited. Don't show that you're too available yet.

Getting her someplace for a kiss is just as easy, if you know what you're doing. She'll be thinking about it, I guarantee you. She's been thinking about it since the beginning of the date. The ritual requires that the kiss take place at a beautiful spot during a walk, at her door after dinner, or some other secluded, romantic location. (In the car is a BIG MISTAKE. You will get no lip action, my brother. Whores do it in cars.) One you've reached the romantic spot, face her and move closer. She should respond by keeping her chin up, and her eyes should be well dialated. Her nostrils will be flared as well, if you can remember that. If these signs are present, GO FOR IT. BE CONFIDENT. You've got the kiss. All you have to do is take it. If, on the other hand, she keeps her chin down, doesn't look at you, and moves away at all, things haven't gone right, and you need to back off. No problem. Rejection is part of dating.

And what about *ahem* the big score? It's really not complicated and just as scientific. The obstacle to be overcome is getting back to her place or yours without actually saying you're about to do the wild thing. This is where code language is essential. You need to have some good excuse to go back. Classics are, "Would you like to come up to my place for a drink?" or "I have a great collection of model trains, if you'd like to see them." But it can be anything plausible, as long as it gives the girl a legitimate excuse to go home with you. She might want to see photos of you when you were in Europe. You can offer to cook her a midnight snack on your new Viking range. You can also offer to go back to her place for similar things. She'll know what it means, and she'll feel all right about accepting such excuses, assuming she wants to sleep with you. Don't ask me why, but whores go back with a guy for sex, and good girls go back to look at model trains and end up having sex by some strange coincidence. Not the aspie way to do things, but one must adapt....

Once you're back at the place, be confident: she's accepted your invitation. Take control, be romantic, and sweep her off her feet. Oh, and play responsibly.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

JediFrogman wrote:

"I've tried touching women in harmless places (e.g. arm, etc.) during conversation, only to get a very awkward vibe from the whole thing. How do I touch someone appropriately at the right time?"

All right! This is a great question! Aspies have trouble with this one all the time. Kudos for bringing it up.

I'm assuming for our purposes that this a romantic question, and you're not idly wondering about when to touch middle-aged matrons or your chess buddies on the arm for most persuasive effect:

Touch says to a woman, "I want you." That's the cardinal rule you have to understand right off the bat. Any woman you touch is going to read into that touch, and the body language signal she'll get is that you've just revealed your cards: i.e., you're interested in a physical relationship with her. (She'll get this message whether you mean it or not, by the way....)

What happens when you throw down your cards? You're in trouble. The reason is, NT women are programmed with the urge to seek out the most alluring men in terms of status and unavailability. That's what the Movie-Star Effect is: all the women want to sleep with a certain guy precisely because all the other women want to sleep with that same guy, thus giving him very high status and making him unavailable to most women, just from the fact alone that he can't sleep with them all.

Once you touch a woman, any shred of allure and unavailability you had vanishes in a puff of smoke. She knows she's got you if she wants you. You're available, so you instantly become uninteresting. That's the "vibe" you were getting, I'm willing to bet. As soon as you touch a girl--even on the arm--she says to herself: "This guy has stopped playing the game. He just showed his true intentions. How boring. I've got to go after some other fella."

How to avoid this romantic Waterloo? Well, you play a little game. The mechanism is simple, but requires precision. First, you use the Movie-Star Effect to your own benefit and make yourself interesting, funny, and fun, but keep your availability doubtful. You might want her, you might not. This behavior drives women insane.

Why? In the game of flirting, a woman wins points if she gets you to want her and show it. She can tell all her friends about how she "had this one guy drooling over me and touching my arm, but then I totally walked away and left him panting." (Women share these stories of conquest all the time. Just listen to them in the mall sometime.) You upset a woman's game if you sparkle and show how great you are but don't move on her, either verbally or by touching her. When you upset her game, that's when YOU start winning the points. She gets very confused ... and intrigued. "Wait a minute: this guy's no Brad Pitt, and yet he's not grabbing my butt and drooling over me. Wow. He must be rich and hiding it, or powerful or something and have his pick of girls... I don't know, but I'm sticking around." The money or power aren't really that important. It's the mystery and tension that keeps her rivetted on you.

You keep a woman in this tension of "Does he want me?" for as long as it takes. If you want to take her home that night, then you keep your hands completely off until you're back at your place/her place and the door's shut. If you want a date, you keep the tension there until next time by taking her number and leaving without giving away whether you really want her or not. That will induce her to go out on the date with you. If you like to move things more slowly and wait a while for sex, then keep your hands off until you're by the river under the stars, then kiss her passionately and resolve the tension that way, and start dating. She'll be enchanted.

However you like to do it, the mechanism is the same: don't throw the game away by resolving the romantic tension and showing her you're hooked until the moment of peak excitement, be it sex, kissing, or just a warm hug. Women crave romance, and maintaining tension is key to romance.

So ... to wrap it up: don't touch her, even if she touches you, unless your goal for the evening is to stroke some elbow and get bored looks. You can touch other women--some good friend, maybe, 'cause that will only heighten her suspicion that you must be a player--but not the girl you really find interesting. Your restraint will pay off.

P.S. If you want to learn a lot more about this, I recommend The System: How to Get Laid Tonight by Roy Valentine (see the review of this book on this blog) and How to Succeed With Women by Ron Louis. Both are excellent books on the game of love.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

Wind_Drinker wrote:

Good question. I don't know of any specific studies that have covered this exact problem. From the reading I've done, I find that the scarcity of data on autistics and death makes it hard to nail this question down with numbers. But I think I can safely say that aspies are more prone to suicide than comparable NTs in their social group.

There's several reasons I can say this: For one, aspies have very, very high rates of problems associated with suicide, including depression (56%), high unemployment, higher rates of mental illness generally (32%), higher rates of being single as opposed to married status, and problems with anxiety and social interaction.

We can also break down some numbers: The National Autistic Society (NAS) conducted some studies in 2001 and found that 8% of people on the autism spectrum had felt suicidal or had attempted suicide. Another, smaller study at Cambridge came back with an autistic group in which more than 50% had felt suicidal or had attempted suicide.

Now, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, 1 in 8-25 cases of suicidal thoughts turns into an actual suicide. That means at least 4% of suicidal thinkers commit suicide--could be as high as 12%. If we take our lowest estimate that 8% of aspies have considered suicide and multiply that by the lower estimate of 4% completion rate, then we find that 0.32% of aspies probably commit suicide. Not a big number--until you compare it to the suicide rate for the population at large, which is only 0.01%. That would indicate aspies are about 30 times as likely to commit suicide as the population at large. (I know my methods here are not scientifically supportable and my mathematics are ghetto, but I think we've at least made our point.)

Another factor that pretty much guarantees aspies have a higher rate of suicide is that 75% of aspies are men. Among humans at large, the ration of men to women who commit suicide is 4:1. This means the aspie group has half again as many of the group that is four times as likely to commit suicide. There would have to be a higher rate for aspies, unless aspie men are particularly good at resisting suicidal urges (unlikely).

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jman wrote:

"What exactly is it that makes aspies vulnerable to bullying and other forms of victimization? Is it a certain facial expression, or tone of voice, or a certain gesture or what?"

Whoa. Good question there. Don't we all wish we'd known the answer to this one sooner...

Pundits in psychology, after earning their Masters of the Obvious, will tell you with a straight face and much gravity that aspies get picked on because they're ... different. Unfortunately, this brilliant assertion gets us no nearer to understanding the specific behavior that incites bullying and that's what's important if we want to change our behavior to alleviate the bullying.

Aspies put off classic submissive body language as a natural course of events. You asked about facial expressions, voice tones, and gestures: well, all of these play a role. Aspies make poor and infrequent eye contact. In the NT world, that means you are affraid to face someone. It means you can't hold your ground. Aspies, as they get comfortable, tend to curl up, slouch down, and cross their arms. In NT body language, these gestures signal withdrawl, fear, and defensiveness. An NT will sense--rightly or wrongly--that the aspie won't tangle with him.

And unfortunately, this is often true--an aspie won't fight. Why? Well, apart from the fact that many aspies lack the physical coordination and fighting skills of their peers, many aspies hold a gross misconception: they think human interaction is sane or logical. Aspies usually think that when a conflict presents itself, there has been a misunderstanding, and they can resolve the problem by sane discourse if they look hard enough. They get caught in a morass of indecision and end up taking a raft of cr*p from whoever happens to be confusing them with false, badgering statements. Here's an example, with the subtext of the statements in brackets. See if it looks familiar:

BIG LUTHER-So I heard your were kissing my girlfriend. [I want to fight you because something inside tells me I need to]

ASPIE-(crossing his arms) I still didn't kiss anybody. [I'm certain I didn't do anything wrong]

And on and on. Now of course Luther is going to see the aspie cross his arms and take it as a sign of withdrawing in the face of antagonism, and go after the aspie twice as hard, because he thinks he's got him beat. The thing to notice is that, if you read the subtexts in brackets, they don't match up. Luther is implying one thing with his words and body language. The aspie is deducing quite another message and responding to the wrong message. He won't fight, because he doesn't see that there's anything to fight about. It would be different if Big Luther just came out with the blunt truth:

BIG LUTHER-I want to fight you because my stepdad pushed me around this morning and I feel like taking it out on you.

Aspies run afoul of authority and power by unknowingly projecting signs of aggressiveness and arrogance as well. It is the diametrically opposed problem. Since they don't know body language very (well if at all), they don't know when they are putting off signs of arrogance and aggressiveness such as staring at a bully (a challenge), standing apart from any group (setting oneself apart from herd), not making small talk with peers, putting hands on the hips (aggressive), sitting higher on the bleachers than the bully (attempting to dominate), or talking to girls the bully has earmarked as his own.

NTs have a natural hardwired system in their brains that prevents many of these faux pas in the presense of a supieror power. When an aspie unknowingly makes the wrong moves, he broadcasts an intention to challenge the Lion of the Woods. The result is merciless persecution.

You may now ask, "Why is it that the bullys need exercise these strange territorial behaviors in the first place? Why can't they control themselves?" The answer is that the bullies are rarely aware of the real reason they do many of these bullying behaviors. Their instincts, built into their genes, tell them they must dominate as many people as possible, control as many females as possible, control as much territory as possible, and destroy deviant members of the tribe such as aspies and homosexuals. Since they aren't very well aware of these subconscious urges, it's next to impossible to argue with them.

Can aspies avoid bullying? To some extent, if they learn the rules of NT body language. Aspies who speak body language can often avoid the two species of problems discussed above. But even these learned aspies won't avoid all the pitfalls, and the only solution is to consult a higher power, such as a teacher, and give him or her a rigorous explanation: "You cannot leave me with these bullies! They are programmed down to their DNA to misunderstand me and make my life hell!" A rigorous explanation obviates any line from the higher power like, "You need to learn to handle bullies on your own." This is ignorant nonsense. Aspies are fundamentally different people and must take special measures to ensure their lives are livable.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

"THE SECRETS OF PROJECTING SUCCESSFUL BODY LANGUAGE"

by GroovyDruid

Imagine for a moment that you are sitting across from an interviewer for a job. But you and the interviewer are not alone: a thin, evil-looking demon sits beside you. You say, “I’m excited at the prospect of joining this company--”

But the demon interjects, “No, you are bored and unmotivated.”

“I love this kind of work and know I can give an excellent performance,” you counter.

“Baloney!” The demon sputters. “You lack self-confidence and can’t really perform any of these duties!”

You leap out of your chair: “I’ve been maintaining hardware since I was knee-high to a wombat! I can write code so fast it will make your head sp—”

But the interviewer stops you both. She wears a confused frown. She says she’s sorry, but you just aren’t suited to the position.

What happened at this interview? First, let’s break down the characters: the interviewer is the interviewer, you are the aspie, and the demon is your body, which is screaming volumes of information at the interviewer, much of it contradictions and lies. The interviewer tried hard to determine the truth of your abilities and attitudes, but the yelling of the demon overwhelmed her faculties, and she gave up.

This scenario happens every day to countless aspies everywhere. The demon of improper body language frustrates all sorts of personal interactions, not just job interviews. The most frustrating aspect of all is that rarely is the demon obvious: usually, the aspie doesn’t even know he has been subverted. Our task is to exorcise this demon and replace him with more thoughtful, honest body expression, so that aspies can practice their many skills and achieving success.

Fiend! Thy Name Is…

It’s always handy to be able to call a demon by his name during an exorcism. In the story above, the demon goes by the name Incongruence. To understand Incongruence, we must realize that there are three channels of communication in a face-to-face encounter: vision, voice, and verbal communication, or talk. Incongruence rears its ugly head whenever one channel conveys a different message from the others. An easy example would be someone crossing his arms, screwing his face into a scowl, and saying, “I’m open to suggestions.” The voice and visual message (body language) contradict the verbal message. Incongruence creates drama. Drama has its place, but you don’t want it popping up in your career unless you’re bound for Broadway.

Incongruence might have subverted the aspie in the opening scenario in a number of ways. He might have sat back and put his hand to his face when talking about how excited he was to join the company, indicating that he really recoiled from the opportunity. He might have failed to make eye contact and stimmed by wringing his hands when he spoke of his competence and experience, thus giving an impression of insincerity. Or he might have crossed his arms and “held back” when the interviewer asked to know more about his hobbies and personal life. Aspies lack certain intuitive abilities for giving and receiving subconscious body language, and because of this, Incongruence wreaks havoc in their dialogues. No matter what an aspie says, his NT conversation partners perpetually feel vague distrust and antipathy for him. Not so strong that they would say it out loud: “I think you’re not telling me the truth!” In fact, the NT might not even admit the feelings of distrust and antipathy to herself. Instead, she follows her intuition and says, “I don’t think you’re really suited to the position…”

The Look of Success

Aspies are noted for having a headlock on verbal communication. They know what they want to say and 1,000 synonyms with which to say it. Writing about voice is pointless. That leaves just the vision component of the vision-voice-verbal communications triangle for us to discuss. That’s okay, though: according to studies, visual communication accounts for an astounding 40-60% of the total face-to-face communication. So what does successful body language look like?

Here, it is important to define “success.” I am a strong proponent of using body language to express congruence and the true thoughts and feelings one has, especially for aspies. To do otherwise is to create drama and lies. It’s tempting to create deliberate incongruence. In fact, good actors do just that: they speak the text and promptly contradict the text with a subtext brought out through body language. (Actors are also notorious for losing whatever jobs they had prior to being obscenely paid cultural icons.) Interesting, but I say let’s try to get the straight talk first.

You might begin by making a self-inventory: “What sort of person am I?” You can’t describe your personality to others with your body until you have decided for yourself. Are you a leader, a type-A figure with the skills to lead men and nations? Are you a solid supporting player? Are you a quiet, reserved person? I won’t lie and say this sort of self-analysis is easy, but it’s important. You’ll get a terrible mess if you project the body language of a dominant leader and then back down when it comes to deeds and actions.

An inventory is also necessary for any given interaction: you must decide what relationship you want. If you are talking to your boss, then open, cooperative, and slightly submissive body language takes precedence. In a romantic conquest you want confident, aggressive body language. If you know the relationship you want, then you can direct your body to match your voice, words, and intentions.

The Boss and the Team Player

As an example, we will run through two common species of body language, the Boss and the Team Player. Both of these species are broad, highly successful patterns to emulate. First, what body language does the Boss use?

It doesn’t matter if the Boss says a word: an NT feels his body language instantly. Whether the Boss is a woman or a man, the Boss walks out in front, and he usually swings his arms more than his subordinates. He sits at the head of a table, and he faces the door. When sitting in a line of subordinates, he’s likely to be found at the end of the pew. When he shakes hands, the Boss is apt to roll his hand over so that his palm faces down over yours, and he’s got a strong, solid grip. He is literally “on top” of the handshake. He makes solid eye contact and stands aggressively. This means his legs are apart, and his hands sit on his hips or his thumbs stuck in his belt with his shoulders back. This guy doesn’t fold up his arms or put them into his pocket except to pull out the cigar he’s got. The Boss doesn’t move or talk a lot, either. Studies have shown that maturity in body language transmits through sparse, focused movement and that leaders just as often listen as talk. When the Boss moves, he does so with efficient, calculated movements, and his body language and verbal communication possess very strong congruence.

The Boss fears no one, and he shows it. How? By standing with one hand clasped in the other behind his back and his chin up high. This posture exposes his throat, heart, and bowels to anyone who dare attack. (Not to be confused with one hand behind the back holding the other’s wrist or elbow, which means the person is restraining himself.) When the Boss sits, he often puts his hands behind his head. This posture exposes the bowels, heart, and the huge subclavian artery that runs through the armpits. It seems to say, “I’m so smart, I could incinerate your attack with my gaze…” The Boss radiates charisma with his body language.

The Boss makes gestures of doubt, relaxation, and interest at times, just like normal people. From moment to moment, though, his typical behavior falls into the clusters described, and anyone who takes them on will send the message, “Challenge me at your peril, for I am the Boss!”

The Team Player

Another successful paradigm that pops up is the Team Player. This fellow usually likes his work, and his work likes him. He gets promoted easily and has less stress than others less skillful at handling the social landscape.

The Team Player adapts well to others. When he shakes hands with the Boss, he presents his hand palm-up, in a submissive gesture. As the Boss begins to describe his plans, the Team Player displays non-verbal signs of interest. These include cocking the head slightly to one side, nodding occasionally, and giving grunts of understanding. The Team Player leans forward in his chair, sometimes on the balls of his feet, and he stands leaning forward in an open stance, signaling his eagerness and openness to proceed.(Think of the way football players sit on the bench waiting to go into the game, leaning forward with their hands or elbows on their knees.)

Moreover, the Team Player is savvy: he knows that people like people like themselves, hire people like themselves, marry people like themselves, and promote people like themselves. He mirrors the arm movements, leg movements, head position, eye contact frequency, posture, position, voice tone, and voice cadences of the person to whom he speaks right from the moment they face each other. With this subtle mime show, he creates instant rapport and comfort with the other person. Whomever he speaks to knows the Team Player really “agrees” with him. The Boss loves him, but his co-workers know that he’s really one of the crew and not just a suck-up. It’s the same in a meeting as in a face-to-face conversation: the Team Player sits the way other people are sitting and speaks the way they speak, especially the person in charge of the meeting. (For more information on mirroring, read my previous article “The Secrets of Successful Small Talk”.)

The Team Player avoids body language calculated to inflame people. He rarely uses aggressive “Boss” body language, and only when strictly appropriate with his own subordinates. This includes putting his feet up on desks and chairs, or leaning against the doorway of someone else’s office, all of which are overt displays of ownership and intimidation. He resists the urge to cross his arms or legs in a sign of unresponsiveness, even when he feels the urge—that is, unless he is mirroring someone. He avoids slumping in his chair and conveying boredom or malaise. He knows to literally bring himself to someone’s level when talking to them, by sitting when they are sitting, standing up when they approach, or kneeling so as not to talk down to them as they both look at a plan on the floor. He makes solid eye contact as appropriate to avoid any hint that he is not paying attention to whomever is speaking.

Choosing Roles

Taking on the mannerisms of the Boss sends a strong signal and should only be done when you are sure you are, in fact, the Boss. The Team Player, on the other hand, is welcome in a wide range of roles and positions. He shows respect and congruence with the group and often finds much success. It’s advisable to follow the Team Player mold until one finds a niche.

The Dead Fish (Things to Avoid)

The polar opposite of both the successful types we have described I call the Dead Fish. I bring him up because aspies have the misfortune to unknowingly imitate the Dead Fish because of their neurological differences, and they draw flack for it they don’t deserve. The poor Dead Fish sends out unsuccessful body language at every turn, and most of it he’s unaware of. He can’t understand why he doesn’t get promoted, sent on critical assignments, or accepted by the Boss.

The Dead Fish will often broadcast classic signs of boredom in meetings or face-to-face encounters. He will put his chin in his hand, not face people when speaking, and slump back in his chair. He wiggles his foot and taps his pencil. He makes poor eye contact when meeting people for the first time, and he has a limp handshake that people note immediately when they grip his hand. His poor eye contact spills over into his listening habits, too. When his colleagues talk to him, they feel ignored and can never be sure whether he understood what they said to him.

The Dead Fish, whether he means it or not, comes across as critical and defensive. He crosses his arms and legs often, signaling to all present that he’s defensive and has a closed attitude. He drops his chin when speaking. When he wears his reading glasses, he lets them drop down his nose and looks over the top at people, which makes them feel judged. When under fire, the dead fish wrings his hands, grips the armrests tightly, and locks his ankles together, showing his need for reassurance. When confronted, he is liable to rub the back of his neck or clasp one wrist with his hand behind his back, indicating he’s restraining himself from violent outburst.

The rest of the crew talk about the Dead Fish around the water cooler behind his back, and his plight is sad to behold.

Settling In

A group never forms into an undifferentiated, egalitarian mass. From the moment of its inception, a group immediately singles out its leaders, followers, administrators, artists, team players, geniuses, builders, and priests. Each finds success in his own way as a part of the whole. The sorting out of all these trades and vocations happens non-verbally, for the most part. People project a piece of their essence through what they do and the way they do it, and often find their niche because others recognize this essence as suited to some vocation. Body language plays a big part in this selection process, and it should be given the consideration it deserves. I hope the knowledge of some of the successful species of body language opens doors to more exploration in the area for you, so that you may drive the demons of unsuccessful body language from your life forever.

Suggested Readings

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Body Language by Julius Fast

Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love by Allan Pease

How to Read a Person Like a Book by Gerard Nierenberg and Henry Calero

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

adroidbeing wrote:

"NTs are supposed to be able to pick up so much about you in the first 5 minutes from body language. How can you tell that somebody has AS, after talking to them for just 5 minutes? I am sure I have read that somewhere."

Interesting question.

An NT probably wouldn't be able to name the syndrome after five minutes unless he were some sort of expert in the area, even if he knew of AS. But an NT does get a very funny "vibe" from an aspie, and it rarely takes him five minutes to get that "vibe."

The reason: NTs have a subconscious setup to detect and read body language. It immediately begins to scan a new person to get a feeling for him. The setup sends and receives signals that the NT isn't usually aware of, but he gets impressions and feelings about a person based on these subconscious scans. NTs often call it "intuition," when it really is just their subconscious scanner telling them the truth they can't consciously see.

An NT would get funny vibes from an aspie because aspies send out very strange body language signals. Aspies rarely make proper eye contact. Their postural body language often contradicts their spoken statements. Aspies often lack proper emotional displays of empathy, excitement, and agreement. An NT probably wouldn't be able to pinpoint the problem, but he would describe an aspie as "weird," someone he just can't get to feeling comfortable around. In fact, an NT might compare an aspie to a serial killer or someone with schizophrenia, because the lack of proper emotional displays closely resembles the emotional flatlining of schizophrenia.

And yes, an NT would get all this in five minutes easily, in fact, probably more like two minutes. NTs are built to check each other out in every way possible. It stems from their survival mechanisms, mechanisms we aspies don't seem to share.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

jman wrote:

"Also can you cite some examples in your life where these techniques have brought you success?"

Sure! I am happy to talk about both these areas:

First, my eductation in body language was all-self taught. I realized when I was about 12 years old that I operated differently from most people around me, and I was teased and excluded by most of my peers. I noticed that, if I mimicked other people's voice tones, body movements, eye contact, etc., they became much more friendly, almost like magic.

That's when I started reading, and I haven't stopped since. I began with Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People. From there, I read a couple of books by Bandler and Grinder, the founders of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). I read many books by L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Scientology religion, because I discovered he had done some brilliant, groundbreaking work on what he called "tone levels", which are specific bandwidths of emotion people move through in predictable patterns, which one can learn to consciously recognize. (I am not a Scientologist, though.) I read books on body language, small talk, and the branch of linguistics that deals with non-verbal communication--anything I could get my hands on.

Later, I delved into stage and film acting. I took acting classes and studied their techniques carefully to learn to portray emotion and thought through the body.

So, I'm not sure whether I'm an "expert", exactly, but I have had a lot of exposure to non-verbal communication skills, and I enjoy sharing it will people who might benefit from it.

As to the second part of your question: I could give you literally thousands of examples when these non-verbal communication (NVC) skills have raised my awareness, brought me success, and helped me to understand NT society. I use them over and over every day. My NT friends are themselves amazed at what I can tell about people just by looking at them.

I'll give you one example that happened this morning:

I was at Ralph's Supermarket looking for canned tomato sauce. I passed a dark-haired, pretty young woman going the opposite way in the aisle. Now, my skills in NVC told me that I should try to make eye contact. Why? Because that's how you tell whether a girl is intrigued by you. I looked at her, and she looked back! She held my gaze just a little longer than a woman normally would in that situation, then looked away. NVC told me I had made a good first contact and she was intrigued.

I passed her again in the next aisle over. I made eye contact again, and when I did, she smiled. In body language, eye contact followed by a smile means, "I"m interested in you; come talk to me." She passed me. I stopped and pretended to be looking for my tomato sauce. She stopped too, about ten feet away, and pretended to look for something. I knew this would happen. How? Because my NVC skills dictated that the woman can't ask me, but she can wait for me to come to her and make contact.

So I did. Still pretending to look for my item, I moved closer to her. I said, "Well, I'm looking for tomato sauce, and I'm stumped." She giggled and turned toward me. She made solid eye contact. She played with her hair a little bit and raised her hand and showed me her palm and the soft underside of her wrists. In body language these all go to indicate romantic interest, and I spotted them right away. I struck up small talk about cats, cooking, cherries, and everything else I could think of.

She let me walk with her through the rest of the store chatting. I kept a good distance between me and her, because I didn't want my body language to frighten her or to seem too eager. At the checkout, I told her it had been nice talking, and I wondered whether she wanted to get coffee sometime...?

So who knows what will happen? But the point is, I was able to meet a stranger, read her from beginning to end, and get her phone number. I never could have done it without my NVC skills to guide me. I would have been afraid that I was going to get rejected and make an ass of myself. Instead, I met and established rapport with the lovely Jeanine.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

ajs_line_of_silver wrote:

"All this talk about NT body language: do you know of any common aspie body language? Do we have our own system?"

That's a very cool question! Without a doubt we do. There's very little scientific data in this area. I'll explain why and explore a few aspie differences:

Scientists constantly debate the origin of many body language signs. Clearly, smiling is instinctive all over the world. But what about shaking the head to mean "no"? It's common almost everywhere but a few places. Science is still sorting out the NT world of body language, and they haven't gotten anywhere close to doing real studies on aspies and whether they have different hardwired and/or learned body language. So everything that we talk about here is speculation rather than studied fact.

That said, I have noticed that aspies who spend time around aspies do develop a shared body language with one another. Many aspies report that they feel very comfortable around others on the spectrum and believe they can read their non-verbal signs. It seems to involve mirroring, lack of eye contact, and a shared relaxation.

In my experience, aspies miss most body language, and because of this, they fail to develop the habit of examining people with their eyes very often. (People are pretty boring to look at when you miss the signs of emotion written on them. Kind of like staring a horse in the face for long periods of time.) Since they don't look very much when communicating, non-verbal communication becomes unrealistic. From what I have seen, the aspie equivalent to NT body language seems to be reflected in verbal rituals of communication.

This leads to a very peculiar point:

A great deal of NT body language has to do with physical space. They encroach on one another, back away, grasp, let go, etc. Much NT behavior can be traced in one way or another to a need and desire for physical space and dominion.

Aspies have a notable disregard for personal space. Rather than being oriented around physical communication and vying for physical space, aspies tend to harbor mental space. For example, a question is a transgression on mental space. An aspie will often resent questions from unkown persons and have a difficult time asking others questions or for help, since he considers it such a breach of etiquette in mental space. Striking up small talk is the mental equivalent of dancing on your neighbor's lawn uninvited. Constant chit-chat is equivalent to walking three inches behind an NT everywhere he goes.

My hypothesis for this is, aspies are extremely concrete thinkers. Mental space is very real for them. Their instincts defend this space in a similar way to NTs defending their physical territory.

However, I think your question merits further inquiry than just my own speculation. I'm going to post this column in the Getting to Know Each Other Forum and see what other aspies have to say on this!

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

THE SYSTEM: HOW TO GET LAID TONIGHT! by Roy Valentine (ISBN: 0-9729187-1-X) $10-$18

Every aspie man should read this book. When he is finished, he should pick it up and read it again and again until he has memorized its main points.

You can read this slim little volume in two or three hours, but I guarantee it will flip your world upside down. Why is it so potent? Because it details in simple, concrete terms the Battle of the Sexes, a battle from which most aspie men retreat scarred and bewildered.

Roy Valentine takes the reader through five basic steps of seduction:

Confidence--methods of building and showing it.

Scoping--how to recognize women who are attracted to you versus women who are not.

Making Contact--how to let women know via body language that you want to meet, and doing it.

Connection--how to use small talk and body language to establish comfort with a woman right away.

Closing the Deal--how to go from being comfortable friends to ... more than just friends.

Sound too good to be true? From all my study and experience in this area, I can tell you that Valentine's methods are 100% effective. Also, he explains them in a way an aspie can easily grasp. You will walk way from this book with knowledge you never dreamed of owning, and it will make a very confusing and painful area of relationships seem suddenly very, very simple. I've never seen anything like it before or since.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER!: As the title suggests, Valentine's System is how to meet and go to bed with a woman in one encounter. His methods are valid to every romantic encounter: he brilliantly explains the game of courtship. But he makes it the focus of the book to manipulate women and to become promiscuous. I disagree with his conclusions, most importantly, I strongly believe that promiscuity is harmful. It is physically dangerous because of the risk of disease, and it causes emotional trauma for all involved.

That said, I think mature adult readers will find they are able to play the game of courtship on a much higher level after reading THE SYSTEM. I would encourage readers to use the understanding it gives to meet partners for what most aspies want anyway: a healthy, sustained relationship.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

Seanybaby wrote:

"Are most relationships not meant by nature to happen?"

That's an excellent question.

Of course, I can't answer in absolute terms and give away the secrets of what is meant to be in the philosophical sense. But in terms of body language and human behavior, I can describe what goes for and against a relationship occurring:

Right from the moment two people spot one another, the body puts off subconscious behaviors of posture, eye movement, face movement, and the like to tell the other person of their romantic interest. The flirting usually goes from subconscious to conscious after a short time, and the two people face one another.

This is where small talk comes in. Small talk is a ritual through which the two people show interest in one another but usually not full availability. (For more on small talk, you might want to check out my article The Secrets of Successful Small Talk.) Full availability makes the other party conclude, "If I can get this guy/girl so easily, I can probably do better." Interest opens the door for a possible relationship while also leaving open the possibilty of losing the person. This tension is the glue of the budding relationship.

By now, you may have noticed that there is a win/lose theme here. The reason is, flirting is a game, and a game with very subtle plays. A good chunk of the game is conducted subconsciously, and this is why aspies often dispair: "I guess I'm just not meant to have a relationship. It just doesn't happen!" Really, aspies just lack many the signals to kick off interest and the subtlety to keep the game going. This leaves them adrift when it comes to those first sparkling moments of meeting someone who is a candidate for a relationship. Aspies virtually always show either too much availabilty/fascination or too little confidence to follow up on the other person's non-verbal signals of encouragement--that is, assuming the aspie sees and can interpret the signals at all.

Common lore--and advertisers--tell us that fabulous clothes, expensive sports cars, big wads of cash, and the right brand of beer are the ingredients for having an abundance of relationships. This is false--although all these things can help the process along. Having skills at the game of flirting is the surest path to making relationships happen. This involves great skills of body language recognition, mastery of small talk, knowledge of mating patterns, and a cool head.

Some men and women are natural masters of these skills. They can read body language intuitively, they can small talk about anything, and they have a razor-sharp instinct for showing interest but doubtful availability. These "players" are rarely without a relationship, and they often skip among them like a frog on lily pads.

So to answer your question: are most relationships not meant to happen? Depends on one's gifts of making them happen, and on luck. Body language study and practice, small talk study and practice, and using whatever gifts you have will raise your percentages of making a relationship spark and work out. But sometimes the other party just isn't interested, and it isn't your fault. They have a boyfriend/girlfriend, they are grumpy that evening, you are just not their type, and a thousand other things outside your control. Even the slickest Don Juan can't get by these problems, and the relationship won't materialize.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you very much for your praise of the blog and articles! I'm very happy that they have been helpful.

Also, thank you for taking the time to share your success story. You will inspire other aspies to follow your lead and use body language education to improve their own social lives.

Onward and upward!

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

(Comments)

THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL SMALL TALK

Or (Much Ado About Nodding)

by GroovyDruid

An aspie friend of mine said recently, “I hate it when people ask me, ‘So how’s it going?’ People go around asking the same question to each other over and over at parties. It’s phony and ludicrous.”

I empathized. I recalled that foggy, sinking feeling I had when people would fire this question at me over and over at gatherings-kind of like I was in a falling elevator. What did they want from me? I knew they weren’t really jonesing for my take on the weather or the latest on how I was doing in school. Still, they seemed to think talking about these things was so … riveting. I didn’t share their enthusiasm, to put it mildly. Yet something important was happening, I could tell. The sleazy guys who were really good at this inane pantomime cornered all the attention from the girls and got jobs very easily, while I--a nice guy who talked about really interesting things--ended up standing in the corner talking with the ficus plant. My bitterness knew no bounds.

Too many aspies have shared some or all of this experience. They admit small talk does seem to have its power. But most aspies don’t even suspect the true nature of small talk, nor what really causes aspies their problems, nor that there are techniques for aspies to improve their experience of face-to-face encounters.

The Most Feared Animal

The roots of small talk are buried in one basic truth about Man as a species: Homo Sapiens is extremely dangerous. He is by far the most dangerous and unpredictable animal on the planet. He kills more people than any other species on earth—in fact, most others put together. Why is this relevant? Because when this lumbering biped meets others of his kind, he must determine how they are disposed toward him. Do they want to punch his ticket? Do they want to mate with him? Do they want to take his stuff? And since Homo Sapiens is so very unpredictable, he must keep on determining with great regularity the disposition of all those around him from the time he is born until the time he expires—or misjudges the disposition of another Homo and gets his ticket punched and his stuff taken.

Homo Sapiens has become much more subtle about his hunting and gathering and ticket punching than he ever was before. And in the modern world it is judged unseemly for two polite people to circle each other snarling and waving rocks around until they establish that they do in fact still like each other. Instead, modern Man supplants this display with a complex ritual, a ritual called “small talk.”

The “Small”

By now, it should be growing evident that “small talk” ranks up with the world’s great misnomers. There’s nothing small about it. It is one of the most complex and important activities humans practice. They meet and scope one another’s dispositions to see what actions are possible, and this prefigures their entire interaction. Heads of state perform small talk to determine one another’s general disposition prior to any real business. So do business leaders. So does everybody else. Nothing moves forward without human interaction, and small talk is the gatekeeper into serious interaction. People who can do small talk well literally set themselves in a class above all others.

So why aren’t aspies privy to this weighty activity?

The “Talk”

Yes, the second half of the misnomer. When you think of talk, you probably think of words, right? Well, that’s okay. Most people do. But the truth is, words have very little to do with small talk. In 1967, Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology at UCLA, studied face-to-face encounters. His conclusion was that the totality of the communication that passed between two people broke down into the following categories:

55% Visual What the listener sees. Body language, including eye movement, arms and hands, legs, face, etc.

38% Voice What the listener hears in the voice. Cadence, inflection, tone, timbre, etc.

7% Verbal The meaning expressed by the words of the conversation.

Now the aspie deficit becomes clear. Aspies are noted for having difficulty modulating their own voice and decoding the inflections of others. Their difficulties with body language and social cognition practically define the syndrome. Add in the aspie penchant for literalism, and Houston, we have a big-time problem: only about 10% of the communication is completely intelligible to an aspie on the receiving end of a conversation. And since an aspie isn’t able to get most of the other 90% of the communication, there is a good chance he doesn’t learn to send those non-verbal signals very well, isn’t there?

Small wonder that aspies find small talk boring. Even if we are generous and allow that most aspies have learned to pick up some visual and voice communication, they still are missing 60-75% of what’s said to them during small talk.

Results in the NT World

So what befalls an aspie whose deficits in non-verbal communication drive him away from small talk? He becomes one of the unpredictable and potentially dangerous Homo Sapiens. His emotional and psychological state can’t be monitored by the others of his kind. This makes the others very nervous. They don’t know whether an aspie wants romance, communication, whether he knows his place in the pecking order, or for that matter, which side he’s on. Pretty soon the uncertainty of dealing with an aspie becomes more stressful than many NTs can stand. Despite the aspie’s good qualities, the NTs wander politely away for small talk with other more predictable people, leaving the aspie with his ficus plant.

PART 2: SOLUTIONS

(Or “I’m Gonna Ado Something About Nodding”)

Most people would be surprised at the communication percentages put forward by Dr. Mahrabian, especially that 55% is visual. The reason is that NTs transmit and receive most body language subconsciously and so are unaware of it. NTs have a complicated hardwire setup to give off and decode an astonishing array of body language that then comes to them as “hunches” about people.

Aspies lack some or all of the social cognition circuits to decode and give off intuitive body language. However, because of research done mostly in the last 30 years, the language of the human body has been catalogued by talented experts and can be learned as a conscious activity. It takes alertness and attention to detail. Fortunately, aspies have those qualities in spades.

You have 90 Seconds…

It’s impossible to give all the relevant information for scintillating small talk here in one small article. Whole books are devoted to it. Instead, we’ll step through the first 90 seconds of meeting someone. Why? Because 90% of a person’s impression of you forms in that first 90 seconds. It will give you a few tools to practice, and I hope inspire you to pursue some of the suggested readings at the end of the article.

Stance

The best impression comes from being open when meeting someone. In body language, this translates to facing the person whom you are meeting. Don’t turn sideways. Uncross the arms and legs and keep the hands out of the pockets. Unbutton your jacket, and remove any sunglasses or hat. Nicholas Boothman, in his excellent book How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less describes the open stance as letting one’s heart shine toward the person. It’s an excellent way to think about the stance. A person facing the open stance feels comfortable and accepted, and that your heart is open to them. The open stance also gives the impression of honesty.

Eye Contact

I can’t state this strongly enough: a few seconds of eye contact is essential when meeting someone. I know it’s hard for aspies. I have trouble with it myself. But if you don’t do it, then you could tell the other person the cure for cancer, for all the good it will do you. The conversation is still toast. The person instinctively won’t trust you, and you can’t argue with what the person doesn’t even consciously know. (See my previous article The Secrets of Successful Eye Contact for tips and suggestions.) Make eye contact immediately and hold it through at least the handshake, a few seconds at minimum.

Shake and Smile

Get your hand out there. Be the first to put his or her hand forward. This is a motion of confidence and acceptance. The other person will feel relaxed and reassured. Shake hands firmly and comfortably. (Far more important for men than for women.) If you don’t, you will get blown off for weak character. And smile, exposing the top teeth, not the bottom. This is a “social smile”. Closed lips, and you give the impression of holding back. All teeth showing, and the other person will think you are manic.

The Lean

Lean forward when you shake hands. In body language, the lean transmits readiness, in this case to talk to and establish rapport with the other person. It’s very important.

Liftoff!

There you have it: you’ve small-talked. You might wonder, “But what do I say?” The answer is, whatever you want. Talk about the weather, your dog, his dog, bread baking… IT DOESN’T MATTER. You’re past the first 90 seconds, and the other person already knows in his heart you are a good person because you’ve said it with your whole body. You could recite the Gettysburg Address and he would still stand there and listen and laugh, so long as you take a break every line or two so that he can throw in his two cents. (This is important: it doesn’t matter what you say, but if he doesn’t get to talk regularly, he’ll feel dominated.)

Mirroring and Rapport

The single most important thing that happens in small talk is the establishment of rapport: “I’m like you, and we agree on lots of things. You’re one of the safe, friendly Homo Sapiens.” That is the reason you keep conversation light and uncontroversial during small talk: you establish agreement first.

But even more important than verbal agreement is body agreement. How does one achieve body agreement? Well, sometimes it just happens between people. They begin to talk, and pretty soon, they are unconsciously mimicking each other’s body positions, almost as if they are miming one another. (A hilarious thing to watch, actually. People virtually never know they are doing it.) But one can consciously take control of the mirroring right away. How? Mime the other person. Do it subtly, and they will never notice, I guarantee you. If they lean their head to one side, you do the same. If they cross their arms, you cross your arms. If they rub their nose, you wait a second and then rub your nose. Pretty soon, the other person will develop the warm, fuzzy feeling that you really get him. I’ve done it more times than I can count, and it works like a charm. This is small talk at its best!

A Note on Questions

A frequent problem aspies describe to me is that they have trouble keeping conversations going. The body language changes above will go a long way to correcting this, because the other person will feel intrigued and involved. But one particular problem that aspies have is the closed versus the open question. The verbal facet of small talk involves nothing more than questions and answers as you get to know the other person. But using closed instead of open questions is one mistake that can shut a conversation like a bear trap.

The closed question is the kind you ask to get a “yes” or “no” answer. Example:

“Do you come here often?”

“No.”

“Do you like going scuba diving naked with great white sharks in Australia in the dead of winter and then talking about it to strangers like me who nose into your business and ask annoying questions that can be blown off with a one-word answer?”

“Yes.”

You get the idea. A closed question is a conversation killer to an NT. But something I’ve noticed in myself and many other aspies is the tendency to enjoy closed questions, and unlike NTs, aspies often expand on them:

“Yes, I do enjoy naked scuba diving. In fact, did you know that in Jamaica they have an algae that glows, so if you go scuba diving naked at night you look like a floating fairy?”

Open questions require a detailed response. Remember my friend at the beginning, the one who hated the line, “So how’s it going?” Well, that’s an open question. Usually they begin with who, what, when, where, and how. The person cannot possibly answer you with a one-word reply and still be polite. Many NTs are like clams when first starting a conversation, and the jackknife to use on them is the open question:

“How often do you go scuba diving naked?”

“What kinds of sharks attacked you?”

“When did you lose your left leg?”

I can only speculate that aspies enjoy closed questions because of their concrete nature: yes or no. And because of their own leaning, aspies seem to think that NTs will also enjoy receiving closed questions. The opposite is true. When small-talking with an NT, use only open questions or you run the risk of leaving him nowhere to take the conversation.

The Results

When one uses conscious skills of non-verbal communication to supplement verbal understanding of a conversation, small talk becomes a scientific exercise of observation and control of the forces of human fear and desire. Meeting members of the opposite sex becomes much easier. Workplace interaction grows more comfortable and understandable. The mystery of what people are doing at gatherings opens for the aspie to explore. One begins to own the capability to build what is easily the most valuable commodity in the world: rapport with other human beings.

Suggested Readings

How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less by Nicholas Boothman

Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love by Allan Pease

How to Read a Person Like a Book by Gerard Nierenberg and Henry Calero

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL EYE CONTACT

Shakespeare said, "The eyes are the windows of the soul."

If that is true, then aspies prefer shutters and blinds. Eye contact is a perennial thorn in the side of aspies who desire and seek out social contact but would rather not lock eyes with their colleagues, friends, or lovers. The discomfort of eye contact ranges from vague to unbearable. The results of improper eye contact can be socially catastrophic in an NT world.

But all is not lost. Taking a look at the subconscious needs of NTs and aspies reveals a pattern of mistaken communication that can be righted with a little knowledge and practice.

The Aspie Problem

Most aspies express confusion about eye contact and its meaning to NTs. Studies suggest that aspies and auties avoid eye contact because it triggers a "fight or flight" mechanism in their brains. The mechanism is subconscious. They feel no desire for eye contact, so they fail to empathize with the seeming hunger NTs have for it. Aspies avoid looking people directly in the face to maintain their own calmness and comfort.

The NT Problem

NTs have three negative reactions to improper eye contact. The nature of the reaction depends on whether an NT receives no eye contact at all, too little eye contact, or too much. An NT's reaction, like that of an aspie, is usually subconscious and outside his awareness. It comes as a vague feeling of antipathy. The secret to successful eye contact with an NT lies in a Golden Mean.

No Eye Contact

NTs react two different ways to a complete absence of eye contact: feelings of dominance or unimportance. An NT who is pushing an agenda will see the absence of eye contact as a sign that the other party submits to him. He will judge that the other party literally "cannot face him," and he can do whatever he pleases.

When an NT asks a question or seeks attention from someone but receives no eye contact, he interprets it as a dismissal: "I have no time for you, " or "I'm not interested in what you have to say." An NT feels unimportant and unheard.

Too Little Eye Contact

For an aspie, the subject of too little eye contact raises a technical question: "Wait a minute: how much is too little? How do I tell?" Studies show that two people in a normal, healthy conversation make eye contact 30-60% of the time.

When the eye contact drops below 30%, an NT begins to feel that his conversation partner is untrustworthy. The stereotype of the shifty-eyed crook is really a dramatization of a deep psychological mechanism in NTs. Few NTs would be able to pinpoint the source of their unease as lack of eye contact, but they will say something like, "I feel like he's hiding something."

The result: an NT will of course react in kind: he will begin to feel guarded and withdrawn himself. Pretty soon, for no apparent reason, the conversation dries up and stops.

Too Much Eye Contact

The general reaction of an NT receiving too much eye time is to feel as if the other person is more interested in him personally than in what he is actually saying. He will say, "I feel like he's trying to get something from me." The specific reaction varies depending on whether it is a man or a woman receiving too much eye time. two examples:

An NT woman receiving an intense gaze from a man in excess of 60% of the time will often decide that the "something wanted" from her is sex. She will become turned off and offended. "What a creep." Many an aspie man has made this mistake on a date by trying to be attentive, only to wind up making the lady feel like a bug under a microscope.

When an NT man receives a stare from another man, his gut reaction is to pound the offender flat. Why? Because between human males--and most other animals from parrots to gorillas--an unbroken stare signals aggression. Whether he strikes out or not, communication is certain to go down the tubes.

Solutions

Certain people connected to aspies--family members, close friends, steady lovers--tolerate inconsistent eye contact. But what about all those situations that require a much-needed good first impression? Job interviews, college admissions interviews, first dates, second dates ... the list goes on and on. What is an aspie to do?

Soft Focus

A viable alternative to uncomfortable eye contact comes from what optometrists call "soft focus." Soft focus means that the attention of the viewer moves from the center of his vision to the peripheral vision. Athletes, swordsmen, and fast readers practice soft focus as a way of life.

Aspies can do the same. The trick comes in setting the center of the vision on the other person's eyes, but moving the attention away from the person's eyes to the peripheral vision. Physiologically, it causes the viewer to relax. An aspie gets the added bonus of avoiding the discomfort of locked eye contact.

Checking In

NTs expect eye contact only at certain times, during what I call "The Check-In". The check-in comes when the speaker locks eyes briefly with his listener to make sure he is tracking along. The trick is, aspies, make sure you are there for the check in! Using your soft focus, lock eyes for a second or two. If the speaker continues to stare at you, break the gaze and look away. You've done your job. You have told the speaker you are tracking along and are comfortable with him.

When you are the speaker, repeat the same process backwards. Check in with your listener using soft focus, then give it a break. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. They'll love you.

Controlling the Field

Aspies who start out using these techiniques will most likely become tired after a short while. Stamina comes with practice. Until that stamina is built, it is important to control the field. Make sure to have an excuse ready when you get tired, so that you can bow out without exceeding your tolerance. Remember: practice breeds stamina, but failure breeds frustration. Do not push yourself beyond what you can do!

Use

Eye contact is subtle body language. That's all, no mystery involved. Any aspie can improve his communication skills to some degree by learning and applying the rules of eye contact. I really believe you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it becomes after some regular use, and how much more tolerable and even successful face-to-face interaction becomes. Very best wishes!

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

SIGNALS: HOW TO USE BODY LANGUAGE FOR POWER, SUCCESS AND LOVE by Allan Pease (ISBN: 0-553-34366-1) $12-$15

Did you ever stand around at a party and wonder, "What the heck is going on with all these people?"

They chat about weather and their dogs and kids, but you get the feeling that there is much more happening beneath the surface, something from which you as an aspie are excluded. Well, Allan Pease's excellent book SIGNALS introduces aspies to the fascinating world of body language and non-verbal communication and provides a window into the full range of human communication.

Pease gives fully illustrated, simply explained examples of what to look for in body language and what it means. Then he delves into how to handle the information you decipher. He covers hand signals, leg signals, facial expressions, posture, flirting, how to tell if someone is lying, and much, much more.

Pease is one of the world's leading experts in body language; and soon after starting this book, you begin to share his excitement for the sport of people watching. Before you know it, you'll be spotting body language in every situation and putting it to work for you. As Pease explains, it's just about impossible for people to fake body language, and this gives you a window into their innermost thoughts.

Any aspie who desires to improve his social communication skills cannot afford to miss SIGNALS. As Pease points out, 50-80% of the communication in a face-to-face encouter occurs non-verbally, and all it takes to begin opening up this untapped resource is to apply scientific principles of body language recognition.

SIGNALS' concrete, straightforward approach make for perfect aspie reading. I know you'll enjoy interpreting other people's actions and examining the signals you are sending out with your own body.

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

06xrs wrote:

"I read once that guys will lean against something when talking to a girl they find attractive."

Yes, this is sometimes true. However, leaning on something while talking is not a straightforward mating signal.

When a man leans on something, it is almost always a subconscious expression of ownership. It says, "I'm relaxed and in control--specifically of this fine (car, boat, elephant, doorway, etc.) I am presently leaning against." Often, a man who is leaning on something to talk to a woman is also trying to establish ownership of something else: the woman he's talking to!

Men use this signal in other instances: the boss man will put his feet up on a desk. The owner of a car will almost invariably lean against it when photographed.

But in general, if a guy is leaning on something and chatting up a woman, it's good to look for other mating gestures to support the theory of attraction, because the guy's mind is--well, on ownership!

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)

Civet wrote:

"I have two questions: 1. Do people send these [body language] signals out unconciously, or do they do it with the intent of consciously 'flirting' and advertising their interest?

2. How can you tell if a guy is interested in you?"

Two excellent questions:

First, DO PEOPLE SEND THESE SIGNALS CONSCIOUSLY? It depends on whether you are discussing a man or a woman. Both sexes send out body langauge signals subconsciously and receive them subconsciously (except aspies, it seems). But women are far more astute and aware of subconscious body language than are men. Men are generally unconscious of all their flirting gestures.

Women generally become conscious of a few tricks of body language flirting. For example, a woman will consciously brush her hair back from her face, but she'll be unaware that she has also pointed her foot and bared her exposed palm and wrist to the attractive male.

For question number two: HOW DO GUYS FLIRT? Well, that's a tough one. The reason is that men have ridiculously few flirting gestures. They break down into preening gestures and posture.

Preening means the man is trying to make his "plumage" attractive. He'll straighten his tie, brush lint or dust off his clothing, pull his shirt down, and in extreme cases, whip a comb out of his back pocket and run it through his hair, a la "Grease".

Posture means that a man will adjust the way he stands or sits. This involves throwing back his shoulders, pushing out his chest, and standing up straight and tall. Watch next time a woman walks into a room exclusively filled with guys--especially if she is very attractive. Every straight male in the room will straighten up, and puff out. It's kind of comical, really. They can't help it!

Another bit of male mating behavior to spot is the adjustment of the legs. Men will spread their legs slightly and hook their thumbs in their belt or pockets in the front. This is--I'm afraid--a genitalia display and a sign of virility. Also, they will point a foot at a woman to whom they are attracted. These behaviors will cause the men to begin to swagger.

As I said, there are very few male gestures of mating. In a way, that's good for you women. See, the way things are set up, women are SUPPOSED to be more aware and have more signals. Myth says that courtship occurs in two steps: men go after women, and sparks fly or they don't. Here's how it really works:

A man walks into a room and gives off his mating gesture or two. He doesn't know what's going to happen. He's oblivious. The women spot it, though. And the woman who is interested begins to make all her many, subtle mating gestures back. She preens and stands and looks out of the corner of her eye. Eventually, the male gets a subconscious notion--he's not sure from where--that he should go and talk to a particular woman. So he boldly marches over and chats up the woman, thinking all the while that it's his own idea. He has no notion that the woman has been scoping him out for ten minutes!

So for aspie girls, I'd say: train yourself to spot these few mating gestures from men. Then learn how to signal your interest back, and the gentlemen will come to you.

Best Wishes!

(If you would like to ask a question of "Dear Aspie..." about flirting, small talk, and other mysteries of non-verbal communication, simply PM your question to GroovyDruid. Due to the amount of PMs received, not all questions will be published, but they'll all be considered. Thanks for sharing!)