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LiendaBalla's Blog
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"What the ///" day today.
posted at 03:49 pm on 11-09-2009
First, my trip to the store called Target. I was on the feeder road that goes into the freeway, butterflies and nervousness in my tummy. Everything was smooth, and ok. This whole day I was far from being even close to NT performance. Anyway, I was going up the lane that got us onto the highway 10, and onto freeway traffic. Not horrificly busy, thank GOD, because of the butt hole that came along.
This is one lane, you know. Meaning room for one car and only ONE car at a time! 'sigh' >:x He got onto my bumper by inches, and kept at the same fast pace, nearly hitting my from behind. If that wasn't enough, and despite the fact we were already going 68MPH up it and increesing, he treated this lane like it had space for two. He passed my on the left, nearly hitting me again, then cutts me off while tailgateing the other car. It all happened very fast. Apparently, some people don't mentaly compute the concrete dividers that were on either side of the lane.
I was like "WHAT THE $&^@#$%, JACK #$^%?!" 'hooooonnnnnkkk' I then tried to follow him at his speed at a safer area in the highway. He was busy staying in the busy secion of the freeway, stupidly weeving at over 105 MPH. I looked at my speedometer, and suddenly slowed down. I was going 110. Whoops. Carola has done this bad girl proud so far. It picked up speed without complaint. ehem! Besides the point! That prick could have hit me! ME! >x
I need a bigger samari fighting fish sticker on my car. Do people not get the picture? Betta needs her room... grrrr. Well, I was thankfully very early to the section of my epic-FAIL interview. I ate taco bell, again, for what has to be the third time in the past two weeks. One more coffie, had one every day of the past week except Sunday. I'm going to get a terrible headacke after it wares off. I was shaking all the way through my lunch, to the point that people were looking at me and grinning. (?)
After that, I went to Target to have my interview. I suddenly realised inside the restroom that I shouldn't have worn a red shirt for an interview in a store whoes uniform is red shirts and brown pants. -.-' Attire fail, erm oops. You know what's so stupid about this besides their uniforms? I have a target store NEXT ot my apartment complex. I have only seen the color red with my mentaly blind eye balls over 500 thousand times. double duh. -.-'
I took a wee personality test, and those I never pass... ever. (YAY!) They had a candy bowl at the desk for employees and such. The blow pop was very tiny. I wanted to have one. (No, not 'somebody else licked it into baby size, then rewrapped it" small. They were made that way.) The person who interviewed me, didn't like me from the get go. Maybe it was my shirt? ..... -.-' Geeee...
She said "Uhm. what's your name?" I told her it, then said yes I'm here for an interview. "Are you sure you have the right store? Do you have your cell phone? Oh you do. ehm. ok then." I then had the first part of the interview with her. She didn't like a single thing, it wasn't hard to pick up on that really. I knew I was doing a terrible job at the interview. I have trouble finding answers at all when someone asks about skills or achievements. I have niether. -.-....... (if you're laughing by now. I understand.)
I went through the entire interview speaking in Monotone, giveing her terrible answers. I even apologised to both my interviewers. When it ended I got the usualy reply. "We will call you later and let you know the status of your interview." Allow me to interprit what I think this message is actualy.
"I am just telling you I will call later, to make you feel better. We don't want you! If we did, we'd have told you 'welcome' five seconds ago. You suck, and you dam well know it. Don't feel too bad, this store sucks to anyway. You NEED to know the status of your interview skills, because.... you suck and we will only hire you when we reach the midst of 'desparation' mode! Good day. 'grin'"
(Comments)
Another day of me telling off someone.
posted at 03:02 pm on 11-01-2009
This is Sunday, the time I'm writeing. I just got back from a Church my mother prefers, and I am having difficulty feeling bad about my going off at the hired preacher. Except toward Asexuals. That a regret, because they (asexuals) didn't need my like wise bashing. I don't have any issue with Asexuals to speak of. I said Asexual to him, to suggest he had no sex drive. :( Well, a little history.
This morning I skipped the class again, because I just don't care about it. I came back inside sweaty from being in the car, and we went on through the usual songs and prayer and that. The preacher went up and talked about sin. Well, here I agreed... "A piece of fruit. What's wrong with that? Because God told Eve no!.. How about just standing infront of an idol. Nothing wrong there right? Ok how about sitting infront of it? Now, how about bowing on your hands and knees infront of it."
I thought "Yeah the last one, is a display of obediance to another deity. ok ok." Then, as sadly predicted, he had to bring up a phobe version of Homosexuality. (grr) "The world is like that with Homosexuals. It's ok for them, you see. Some go so far as to even state that people are BORN with homosexuality! Homosexuality is a choice, and homosexuals are going to go to hell." I can't understand, for the life in me why males.. MALES say this more than women do! WTF
Of any gender that would grasp what a high sex drive is, shouldn't it be a male? wow.... He doesn't get Homosexuals. >.< *takes a deep breath and sighs*
Needless to say, I didn't pay attention to the rest of his lesson. This is a guy that the elders of this one congregation selected to preach at this place for as long as that lasts. When it came to the Lord supper, I was refraining being too purse lipped, adgitated. When it ended, my mom was already picking up on that I wasn't amused. He was in one of the doors leading out into the lobby. When I walked by he put his hand out, and smiled. I didn't shake his hand! I just looked ahead and said through my teeth "It's not a choice!"
I went to the doorway going outside and then looked back and said "Great that you base it off sexual conduct, and that only! 'opens the door' And congrats that youre some kind of Asexual!" (I should have just said "grats that you have no sex drive" oops :(... sorry. I was pissed off.) As the door closed I quietly said "Ignorant phobe!" I then thought there might be people behind me. "Oh, sorry. I'm tired of hearing lies!"
My mother eventualy got into the car, since she was driving and I told her. "Look, men's balls produce testosterone, right? That gives them a strong sex drive doesn't it? The more I know about men, the more I think ideas like that are rubish. I think young men are probably well aware of primary things that get them aroused. .......... Oh, maybe it wasn't nessisary for me to blow up infront of everyone." She said "You didn't blow up hun."
Heh, I remember him at the end of his lesson saying "If you are here today, maybe you will be back this next week." I nodded "no I won't." I am done. For starters, you don't choose what arrouses you. Conduct isn't the same thing, and he should have bothered to state the trueth there about the matter. No, it is ok to exist! You're not going to hell for reasons out of your control! %$^ ;..; I swear this congregation literaly thinks homosexuals are so because of who they sleep with. Oh boy...
In fact, it has mentions about Heterosexuals sleeping around 'wrongfully" way more. Sexual conduct rules applie equaly for all parties. Why can't they get that part if they are such 'great' scholars?
(Comments)
Why keep searching without saying no
posted at 03:46 am on 10-14-2009
What I loved from the guys I have had so far? Their holding me, huging me, and saying scensitive things, shareing their feelings. Bonding stuff. Why am I frustrated? Why waist time kissing, kuddling, and talking about sex options if you are going to turn right around and look for someone else, while having me beleive we got something? How about saying "Ok. I don't feel it will work between us." I'll be cool from there!
I feel like I'm some ugly faced last resort. Am I hear for practice or something?
Oh an by the way. Yes I deleted it. I don't read troll language.
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Some things I go by...
posted at 02:43 pm on 09-03-2009
..... or at least TRY to remember, provided I didn't have a bad day. This is some quoted..
"Do not give any effort to look at one individual differently than you would another of a seperate status, color, gender, or idea. If you have to judge them deliberatly, do it with moral, evidence, and unbias."
"You don't have to ok a deed or agree with it to forgive it. You can remember it happened."
"God judges you like you judge those around you." I believe in a God, I don't believe he loves or hates though.
"No one finger print is the same, nore is the person who has it."
"This isn't going to last forever, so let's make the effort to not feel anything about it anymore."
"If it's old and dirty to you, throw it away." This doesn't include tossing a liveing person. It's metaphoric.
"If you hate "my way or the highway" learn to stop doing your own "this way or the highway" thinking."
"No, you can't do it all over night. Just like loosing 400 pounds can't be done over night. It takes work, personal effort, and sometimes support."
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about a Lienda reading. While lacking sleep, and having stress.
posted at 11:32 pm on 08-18-2009
I know this might seem mixed and silly. Definatly mixed. :) heheh
Anyone a tarot card person? First, I get the part where people in my area of the world or society are having a difficulty similar to mine, but that a big secret that we aren't aware of was the cause of this problem. That I get, the rest, not so much.
The real theme behind this entire session was about curses. Specificaly a family tree curse.
2: What does a bible goer mean when they say "in lamen's terms"? I don't know who exactly lamen is, or what they mean by his terms/ideas. I flipped to a bible page leviticus 15 1-3. That talked about leporacy I think. erm.... k? What would this have to do with curses? Supposedly curses that are caused by anger toward a person?
3: I used one card I made. The staff was first off, sparkly and beautiful. White top, bronze bar handle. But, on further examination, it was wooden and seemed to resemble something not that wealthy but in fact poor or mid class. Usualy, it resembles wisdom of something, status, or leader ship.
To me anyway. This staff was right in front of me, Horizontal to my palm, which was in front of me, faceing up, fingers flat forward to levetate. The wooden one was standing up. That's what the card suggested. To put it metaphoricaly to rememble a direction I am supposedly to be going latly? For some reason, I won't grab onto it. I refused to. (erm.. k)
4: Demons popped into notice very briefly. A bush I call the demon bush, because of a dream I had at age 3 or so. A shadowy head with teeth, which was forgotten quike enough. The feeling of being watched by someone male gendered. Lack of sleep perhaps, and that crossed my mind. I have been lacking it a few times here.
5: I pulled rocks out to resemble someone else. There were six rocks for one other person. The orange one was in the middle, and the flower one I showed a boy recently. I think this meant they weren't as healthy as they would like... on the inside, so to speak.
6: One brown rock I put into the yellow candle, then swiped it over another card. After I did that, the card was not resembling a threat, though still there a little. (ok.) The card above it, a different one now, looked like a spider for a moment, but didn't after the swipeing of the one card.
The middle one resembled a hole, void, confusion or something incomplete. (I had set the first one to the right, by the way) After a while I grabbed the mirror, and saw the shadow reflecting on my face from the candle light. It looked kind of like the void card. Then I remembered mother's day, and how I got so mad, just before church started. I had stormed out, because of a woman's gossip, and stayed in the car, in the heat.
I had looked in the car's mirror that one time, and my eyes were angrier than I thought. I told myself "GET BACK IN THERE" angrily, but I didn't want to go. I havn't really been back since, I think, cept for that evening of service. I have been noticeing that look a few times lately. (can parts of me be mad without me realiseing it?)
(I started feeling nervous around this part, but kept going.)
7: :) Family curse now. I thought "Ok what part of this could have started? Whatever it is." Over the whole scope of my life, maybe longer. Not my dad, or my grandfather, but oddly enough a sibling of my Great-great grandfather. This Great-great grandfather was the male in my line that joined the KKK... get this... for job reasons! -.-*
Me and my father have always had this strange cloud over our heads that just magicaly causes money or job trouble one way or another. Trust me. If you were very involved in our lives, you would see this is an unusual, but repeat problem, that just curses me and my father, but not my sister and mother.
A repeated coincidence, usualy bothering/hindering money issues and progress just about every time we improove or feel joy in it. I know this can happen to alot of people, but this often, and usualy not by our doing? And I mean LITERALY usualy not our fault. Seriously. It's amasing, really.
It doesn't matter how we get along, something goes wrong, and it ends up in depression and feelings of worthlessness. We loose somehow, someway. Never climb out to the status we really desire. What we wished for is a middle class status. Common place, like your averege citizen, but not poor and financialy struggling. Maybe a problem now and then, but not ALL the dam time! I could bust my butt all I want, but the end result will likely be the same. But why would it end with this person in my tree? A sibling instead? Did he join to? I don't know.
I thought about this for a bit, and I felt fear. Seriously. Instinct like fear that is, just not me per say. I had fight or flight reactions before. this seemed different. not deliberate either. Was someone naughty? Are they terribly unhappy? Or really... did they do something secret and bad that ended in a curse or a disaster. I stopped there, because it was bugging me.
I was really suspecting my Great grandfather, because my father and my aunt and unkle refuse to say any thing at all about him. I felt this was best left alone. :( Wow. I feel like there is something secret in my tree. Part of the fear seemed like "Oh yeah someone knows alright! OH! I wish this wasn't true!" Like that. Wierd.
8: (ok generaly I'm religious toward the bible. I am not devote or hard core though. I just believe in demons, Christ, Angels, and a God. ok? ok. Yes I dab in rocks and tarot. Otherwise I wouldn't have this 40 card something stack of Signature cards. No picture, you see.) The whole time, I was holding a little key chain that resembled a bible. The cross on it points upward when dangling.
I kept looking back at it at some point, thinking it was pointing upside down. Yes, I'm thinking about demons way too often. Or really, thinking some things are going one way, but they are going another instead. I'm more focused on going down than up. Which is TRUE! I think down not up, most times. Hah. . :) That's no way to think about life is it?
-Ok. I don't ask questions right out. I covered what I did. I do wander what the staff really was supposed to mean, and I am still curious as ever about my family history. Both sides of my family had mean males, you know. Some were abusive. Not all, really, but some were, I heard.
(Comments)
The possibilities of "OH NO!"
posted at 06:56 pm on 08-03-2009
My mother then mentioned that there is something bad, but she hasn't told me about it yet. "down the road.." When she's ready I guess. I figured a few possibilities, because it makes sence. My cousin and her spouse have utter hell going on, after she miscarried her fetus. They are still trying to get phsycologicaly through the miss carrege, and now the bad economy comes around to kick their butts quite literaly!
What's worse, is she now caught health problems, while he's jobless. She can't work. :( Poor couple! If they were financialy stable, and emotionaly to, they would be glad to adopt, I'm sure. They wanted kids for a very long time. A different Hetero couple I knew descovered that the male cheats. :? Possibly from his "business" trips to Korea. I havn't heard the details still, however. yikes.
'sigh' Her sister in law has married a male, and this sister has not seen or spoken to her family since, and we are all very, very worried! (they married years ago, and I have a video tape of their wedding. :( She sang a song to him before everybody. "You are my hero" song, then she said "I love you" to him. Kisses, ect. with "aw in the background. ..... God dammit.. ) PLEASE, Lord don't let us find one of the nicest girls in the world dead by some A hole! I can't even imagine her being mean, and to think she has an abusive #$^ husband... I'll beat the #$% out of him myself if I hear it!
She was the type you don't have to wait till a funeral to say nice things you know. Very pretty! Made people chuckle with her humor. Ah those were the days. :( How anyone can get mad at her is beyond me.
(Comments)
My hitting's current state.
posted at 12:02 pm on 06-23-2009
Well, I have taken to bruiseing my arms. If this keeps up I WILL break them someday! So far my self hitting in my teens has resulted into the physical problems I have lately.
1: Nerve problems in my ears. My nerves keep getting adgitated, and it makes my ears feel like they have bugs. They itch, sometimes have stabbing feelings in them. My left ear is bad with this. I need certain meds for it, that I cannot afford right now.
2: Visual problems. I can't see as sharply as I used to or should, and the standard eye exams don't find the problem. There are always fuzzy spots, and visual illutions.
3: I have problems with my right knee. I can't walk up or down any set of stairs without the grinding. The pains are very minor now, but can get worse I think. I can't squat like other people my age, because it hurts me right there. To do so, I have to lift my right heal, and eventualy in one session that doesn't help. However, I can hold a squat just fine.
As a teen, three years or so have gone by where I had a bruise 11 inches above my knee on a near daily basis.
4: The sides of my cheek bones have flattened slightly. Now both sides of my jaw snag and pop! Not just the right side, because of braces. Meds, helped loosen the left side, but not the right. And while my sister has had a snagging jaw from braces. She doesn't any more. Mine is definate, and you can't miss it.
I have punched IN my face to the point of big, embarasing bruises then and now. It's not good, and I am desperatly trying with my might to stop. It's not easy, and NO jogging and #$^ doesn't do a dam thing! It's just another dam task! Nothing more.
5: Some parts of my brain are obviously working better. Other's, however, have gotten worse. For example, parts of my memory have changed for the better, but some parts of my ability to pay attention have worsened. Brain damage wouldn't suprise me in the least.
6: If I lay down and set either of my arms to one side, especialy my left arm, my pinkie fingers and then some might go numb. My left arm in right about the mid secion has had slight popping sounds where there shouldn't be.
As an adult, I seem to magicaly aim at the arms the most, now, since I can't punch my face as much.
7: When I'm healing from an arm bruise, it can hurt to put a tight hand grip on a jar or bottle sometimes, even if the bruises aren't evident.
(This sucks, and it's obvious, yes?)
8: sometimes I feel like I have two other hands or lower arms in the place of my hands and lower arms. They feel like they are more than one each. Coffie seems to enhance that feeling, but not the rest of my body. This sensation also is felt below the spots of favored impact.
9: I sometimes get stabbing, needle pains in my right foot when my leg is straight and relaxed. not the blood loss kind. The sharp "youch, wtf?!" kind, without insects or needle objects. (thank God this is rare right now)
----I have recantly done or used the following.
1: Blunt objects:
a: My mother's hammer. The wooden handle, because it makes sound.
b: plastic bottle. The harder the 'better", because they sting and make a good smacking noise.
c: My cell phone, whoes battery has been 'accidently' flung across rooms, the ticket booth, my car, ect. The battery holder now have one broken tab in it. The teeth marks can be a clue as to what started it.
d: glass convinience wine bottles. (*chuckles a moment* convenience beverage... get it?)
e: fisting my car or solid object to the point that I have to heal for a few days.
2: both dull and sharp things.
a: my nails to the point of bleeding.
b: A plastic bottle cap till bleeding. (yes, it can be done apparently.)
c: My cell phones battery holder lid with the broken tab.
d: razore blades (which just isn't really my thing. For one thing, it just doesn't work the same way the rest does, as I absolutly MUST use rubbing alcahol before use on both the blade and my skin, for a neat, tiddey healing without poofey infections. Bandades keep it clean there to.)
e: Ink pen lids. (their thin sides require less strength than the bottle lid.)
f: paper clips
>not scissors. those scare me........ ....... -.- 'sigh
(Comments)
Thoughts about discrimination. 1 Lines I heard or noticed from bigots.
posted at 03:02 pm on 03-31-2009
"I have gotten abused by this Person, and that one, and they are both from the same group! I hope they all burn in hell!"
"Oh it's THOSE people! See those people over there? How disgusting!"
"Oh you have blond hair right? So you must be a snob who owns a limo, I see."
"Oh you have black hair right? So you must like beating your kids and scratching your husband. Just like all the other ones like you do."
"Oh you wear baggy pants? You must be that ganster trash that carries guns and robs stores right?"
"Judging by the shade of skin and that suit, you must have been REAL brought up huh. You pampered ritch piece of #$%!"
"OMFG! Do you really like that item? Doesn't it have the selection of colors that, THAT ugly group use for their agendas?"
"Why can't you talk to people more and just make friends? Don't you want any friends? Don't you want to act more mornal?"
"I told you a hundred times, but of course I should have expected such stupidity from someone of your... intellect. Not that you grasp what I'm saying this very moment! SIGH Life is hard when dealing with a child like you!"
"See those people are the BAD people! Don't talk to them! Don't make friends with them. They are dirty! You get me son?"
"See those people are the BAD people! They do (list here) to our people! Everyone of them is the same as the other. They are all the same. Don't waist your time communicateing with those ritch dangerous people. You just get hurt doing that!"
"They don't cook their food in a sanitary fashion. That's why I won't eat their ethnic cookery. They hung the chicken on the bumper once, and then took it in after 8 hours for their customers to eat. No seriously! That's where the term 'sweet and sour' came from!"
"I'm sick of the dam noise they are makeing. Those dam people always have abused animals. Too many cars and trashy front yards! They drink bear and use "aya aya" as a W#% lyric! Stupid (slur here)"
"How many times have I told you not to watch that show! It has (slur here) all OVER IT!"
"See they are all alike. They (where they live here) for homes. They (ugly, unprooven sterio type of what the hater claims they do here). I'm so sick of them! I wish I could get some peace already!"
I'm sure, anyone can add plenty of other examples. Well, I have to go to work now, unfortunatly. But I will be back!
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