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LolaGranola's Blog
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The Summer-Time.
posted at 09:34 pm on 06-25-2009
Summer vacation has generally been a time of loneliness for me. Well, more so than usual, really.
But this year, I am writing a story online with one of the girls from my school. And, it's been implied, that another person wants to continue with plans for a music ensamble over the summer.
And right now, I'm sitting. And waiting. True, it's only been two days since I've been out of school. But I'm just so excited, and also scared. I'm so used to being let down. I hope they will come through.
I can't really think of a good reason to doubt either one of them, though. The first one, she's a casual school-only friend of mine. Generally a nice person, but I don't know if she wants to be real friends. The other is a nice kid too, but he has alot of friends. I just hope I'm not forgotten.
Like I said, there's no good reason to doubt either one of them. I guess I'm just being really impatient, when I've probably got nothing to fret over.
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In the words of Oingo Boingo...
posted at 09:54 pm on 03-18-2009
"There's life underground."
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My Speedometer.
posted at 07:00 pm on 02-20-2009
Lately I've been starting to realize how far behind I am from the majority of my peers. In some ways, I'm miles ahead of them.
But in others, I'm miles behind, and those silly milestones that I've missed are suddenly starting to get to me. It's not so much envy of what they have, really. I just wish that I had more of a say in these things, even if I'd say "no".
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It's Almost Certain.
posted at 08:45 pm on 02-08-2009
After over a year of researching, there is a shared conclusion that I very likely have Asperger's Syndrome.
For a while, although it was I who brought up the question, I was skeptical. But now, considering what I've learned about AS and recovered about myself, I feel that despite the lack of a formal diagnosis it is probably the case.
While I'm relieved to know that I probably have an answer to what's been a nearly life-long question, it also feels a little painful.
I really am different after all.
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More Mindless Banter from a "One Hit Wonder"
posted at 02:31 pm on 01-07-2009
Sometimes I'll have a decent conversation with people. It doesn't happen very often, but occasionally when I get a lab partner or am paired up with someone in my music class, it goes almost... well. Not saying that it goes GREAT, but every now-and-then the words don't come out as shakey and maybe we even laugh a little. And that's when I start to think that just MAYBE my social skills aren't as bad as I thought, or that MAYBE I'm actually likeable. Hell, maybe I'm not so strange, maybe I DON'T have something like NVLD or AS after all!
And then the project's finished. And class is over. And once again, I cease to exist.
I hate how just when I think I might actually be getting this stuff right, it never happens again. I'm always, if anything, a "one hit wonder" with people. Do I say the wrong things? Is my body language strange? I THOUGHT I was doing well, why don't they ever want to talk to me again!? There's always an obligation to act decent, especially when a partnership is assigned, but sometimes it seems a little easier, or at least in the smallest way, a little sincere. It's just the fact that if it can happen even ONCE, why not again? It took me over a year to establish the one friendship I have at school, and we're still not very close- We don't even talk outside of school and even she is inconsistant aand hard to read. Long story short, somedays I can't tell if my problem is lack of skills, lack of opportunity, or what.
Maybe I smell bad or something. I don't know. I just needed to get my mindless complaining down in words.
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Maybe things really ARE getting better...
posted at 10:14 pm on 12-14-2008
P is the same as usual, friendly but impersonal. Still okay, though.
D is new but seems nice. We even got together once.
A is brand-new but also seems nice.
And Ginger is my new fish! Now Wasabi has a friend!
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Bitching and Moaning: The Semi-Social Life
posted at 08:19 pm on 09-19-2008
My social life at school is nearly zilch. This is my second year at my school, which is the best I've ever been to, considering that every other place has been a living HELL, faced daily with undeserved hatred and isolation. However, this school is very different from most- it's competitive, but there's no "bullies" or anything. People are generally friendly, and I may get a "hello" or occasionally from a kid sitting next to me a "how was your weekend?" but no connections, only courtesies that feel like a tease to me. It's like attending a fancy dinner party, and everyone's eating a full plate- but I'm getting the "social scraps" left over. I feel a bit bad complaining when other people have it much worse, but it just bothers me that this is the best it's ever been: I'm not being rejected, yet still, I don't really fit in. Even at a special school like this, where almost everyone seems to fit in so easily, this is as far as I seem to get.
At least this year, I have one girl to eat with at lunch and laugh with a little in two of my classes. But for the most part, she's pretty quiet, we have nothing in common, and I have to initiate everything. She's a nice person, but our conversations are pretty weak. I don't think we'll ever be much more than what we are now.
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Waiting for an Answer
posted at 11:29 pm on 08-27-2008
I am not diagnosed as of now, and am not sure whether or not I have an ASD. And it's very hard. I'm so frustrated right now because I'm tired of not knowing. A sequence of events started a long time ago, and while I know for the most part why things accelerate, I still don't know the origin of my troubles. I was raised differently. I was read to alot, so I learned alot. I got sick very early on, and had to be away from other children for a more than a year. But is this enough to have started such chaos that everywhere I go I am rejected? That the only people I can talk to are so far my senior that a friendship would be so limited by the age gap? The worst part is that now I am so damaged by these misfortunes and failures that I either comes across as a) withdrawn b) idiotic or c) a complete nutjob. My social understanding is so screwed up now that in any informal situation I just can't function well. With the middle-aged and older I'm usually okay, sometimes I do very well, but anyone around my age eight out of ten times it just doesn't work very well at all. I don't know if I lost all understanding... or if I ever had it at all. Was this something I aquired, or has this always been with me?
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Sensory Question
posted at 07:38 pm on 08-11-2008
Are sensory sensitivities associated with Asperger's always uncomfortable? As of now, I don't recall having any discomforts in the past (although I sometimes have mild discomfort towards sound if I'm trying to focus). However, I have very good hearing. Some examples being that I can hear instruments in songs others don't notice and I could hear the bats in the attic from my grandparent's foyer.
Trust me, this is one of the many Q's I'll be posting.
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