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posted at 04:00 pm on 06-01-2008
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My Plan
posted at 04:00 pm on 06-01-2008
I had posted this in the Love and Dating forum and got zero posts. No constructive advice. No hole-punching. No being called a misogynist. Nothing. Is this forum democracy at work? No one replies so the post dies? Well, it was more of a blog entry anyway so I deleted it from Love and Dating and put it here where it will live forever and be available to anyone who decides to read my blog.
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I seem to be thread-hogging alot, and probably p***ing some people off in the process, so I thought I would start my own thread. This one is a bit more optimistic than some of my recent posts here in the WP Love and Dating forum. It is actually an updated repost from one I wrote some time ago in another forum. I wrote it before I realized I was aspie, but if anything, it has even more relevance today.
loveablenerd:
I for one set out to give society the ultimate f*** you by getting the girl of my dreams and doing it on my own terms. I'll let you all know how it turns out, if it ever does lol.
nyarlathothep:
It would be nice if you would share with us how do you plan to achieve this. Also share with us the progress. :)
Well, I guess I should start with the obligatory life story. Throughout my teens and early 20's I was a textbook loveshy. Over-protective mother, father for whom nothing was ever good enough, isolated and ostracized, bullied and humiliated. Never dated in high school. When I went off to college I finally found a small social network of friends. Met a few girls, but inevitably ended up in the friend zone. If I did get up the courage to make a move, I got the stereotypical shunning. [Not only no possibility of dating, not only lost the friend, but lost all contact with them... true shunning.] Had a few dates, but never with the girls I really wanted and nothing ever came out of it.
My biggest problem is that I am an extreme neurotic. Obesessive-compulsive, anxiety attacks[melt-downs], rigid body movement when I am nervous. Ticks[stims... in other words, after much research...Asperger's]. No amount of faking confidence can overcome that kind of body language that is beyond my control [and which for the most part I'm not even aware of as it's happening].
Then, not too long after I graduated from college the internet began to become a serious force, and online dating seemed to offer the solution to my problems. I could meet and get to know women before they had a chance to judge me by my body language. And that worked great for awhile. Largely because these sites were still new, and the girls who started using them were a lot like me... had trouble meeting people in the traditional way and were sincere about finding someone sincere. Unfortunately, most of them lived in distant states.
I should mention at this point that I live in a Podunk impoverished town... imagine taking a ghetto out of a big city and putting it in the middle of nowhere and you get the idea... Any woman that has half a brain and is the slightest bit merciful on the eyes gets the hell out of Dodge as soon as they go off to college, and then never come back. Nothing against our military, but my town is also 10 minutes from a military base, so the ones that are left have their pick of soldiers to date. And 99% of any new women that move into the area are already married to a soldier. I have personal reasons for returning, and let's just say moving isn't an option.
Anyhow, the women I really liked lived too far away for anything to come of it. I met one I was less than attracted to, but decided to go out with just for the experience. We fooled around a little bit. But she had a kid, wasn't that attractive (to me), and tried to push me into a relationship so I had to bail.
Right after that I had my first real relationship. She lived about 8.5 hours away and was a fellow loveshy without much dating experience and no sexual experience. She was also easy on the eyes and very intelligent. So we dated for over a year, even though we only got to see each other every couple of months. It ended in a stalemate though... I couldn't move where she was because it was an even worse hole in the wall than the town I live in. There were few jobs in my field here (I'm a computer programmer), but none within an hour radius of where she lived. She on the other hand, was willing to move here but only if we got married. She was a very religious girl who didn't believe in sex before marriage or living together before. I had no problems with her beliefs, because hell I'd waited this long, but ultimately I had a problem making that kind of commitment to a girl I had only seen face to face a few times. Sure we chatted and talked on the phone all the time, but it just isn't the same. Then she came down for my brother's wedding (he is six years younger than me BTW) where I was the best man, and caused an emotional scene that I won't go into... and I found out how unstable she was and had to end it. [update: Due to all of that and much more I know about her, I now sincerely believe she is a fellow aspie and was having a meltdown. Alas, hindsight is 20/20. :cry: ]
So, on I went... meeting women online every now and then and if they lived within reason I would drive to meet them. I think the farthest I ever went after that was 6 hours. However, as more people started using internet dating and it became more "acceptable" way of meeting people, something paradoxical happened. The pickings became slimmer and slimmer. Suddenly I ran into the same problems I did in "real life". Before I had been competing with fellow nerds, but now the sites were teeming with the same mindless jocks, bad boy thugs and idiot rednecks that crowded me out at bars and clubs. I still sent out the same contact letters to the same number of girls, but fewer and fewer responded.
Then the unthinkable happened, I crossed the 3-0 line. The older loveshys aren't kidding guys... when that happens it's like your use-by date expires or something. My response rate skidded to almost nil.
However, I kept my profiles in place just in case and about two years later this girl contacted me. She was very hot, extremely intelligent, and we made a coffee date. We hit it off very well, and something magical happened. Ended up we had met before, when I was on a business trip in Dallas. I never got her contact info, but had never forgotten her either - she was amazing. Anyhow, to make a long story short, even though we didn't recognize each other at first and meeting again was a total fluke, she was that girl... recently relocated to close to my town.
So we dated, and I lost my virginity (by Clintonian standards) at the ripe old age of 32, to a very hot girl. It didn't work out due to many complications, not the least of which being she had a kid. Make no mistake guys, if you date a single mother her kid(s) will ALWAYS come before you.
I'm [34] now, and haven't met a girl on a dating site since that one. However, I've met a couple of women in chatrooms and a few on MySpace which is free and not a "dating site" per se. Nothing to write home about yet though. [Update: I met one on WP here very recently, but too early to tell anything yet]
So, what I've learned from all of this is... when you have a nervous condition like me [which ended up being part of the Aspergers care package] you are not going to be able to hide it. Forget faking it until you make it. Fortunately, most women will overlook nervous ticks and certain oddities IF they get to know you first and realize you aren't a psycho.
I realized early on that I wasn't going to beat the players at their own game, so I went the opposite direction. I took pride in who I am and even amped it up a bit in my profiles. I wasn't afraid to make fun of myself a little too, but I made no apologies. And I was successful with that I think because many women appreciated my humor and honesty.
It's a shame Internet dating has degenerated into the cess pool it has become, but you can still occasionally find great girls if you know what to look for and what to avoid. MySpace is better, but there is a LOT of spam and BS on there too. You'll have a lot of supermodels add you and email you, but ignore them they are spammers and scammers. Also, if you are going to do the online dating thing, watch out for Russian and Nigerian chicks. If they look too good to be true, write in very bad English, and don't mention anything specific to your profile in their letter, ignore it... it's a scam spam.
In conclusion, perhaps my biggest asset is what most would consider a flaw. I am very stubborn. Incel sucks, but I would pick it any day over being saddled with someone I didn't love. I do have high standards and I make no apologies for that either. Women who reject us don't apologize because we don't meet their standards. They don't have to be supermodels, but they do have to be at least cute (6 or 7 by my standards), not weigh more than I do [I weigh 170lb - that is not an unreasonable request], young at heart, intelligent enough to carry on a meaningful conversation, and no ex-husbands or kids. I've realized that the latter just complicates things too much and creates too many barriers. People may say that at my age those are unrealistic standards, but I think through experience I've earned the right to say f*** that. [Regardless, earned or not, that's what I'm saying.]
Don't get me wrong, I'm not "cured" by any means. I could still never pick up a girl in a traditional setting. I got an email address about a year ago, but I have to this day never gotten a phone number from a girl at first meeting. And I may not be a virgin any more, but being a one-hit wonder isn't much better.
However, I am stubborn enough, and have had just enough positive reinforcement over the years, to believe that I can pull off my "plan".
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Women sometimes forgive a man who presses an opportunity, but never a man who misses one.
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