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PersonalEnigma's Blog
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Feeling frustrated...
posted at 12:41 am on 12-24-2007
Well, with the holidays started and Christmas just around the corner L has been very difficult to deal with. He is so oppositional these days, arguing about anything and everything, not listening when I answer him "Why". It seems that any time I try to talk to him he is in another world. He forgets everything, acts like a fool (dropping on the floor at the grocery store because the milk bag was "too heavy" for example - not that he's had troubles carrying a milk bag the short way to the cart before...), and generally gets on my nerves. I swear that it seems as though he is deliberately doing things to make me upset/angry.
What have I done wrong? I try my best to be a good parent, but L is so incredibly difficult. It hurts so much sometimes. Yes, I know that with autistic characteristics many behaviours can be explained, but many other behaviours are so darned deliberate. I just can't believe that they are not within his control. Maybe I am wrong, but this is getting ridiculous.
It seems that many of his behaviours are getting worse. Is it possible for things to devolve when it comes to autistic traits? I mean, he's 8 and often he has seemed to be improving, but now not only is he still having a ton of difficulty at school (even with a full-time EA), but he's also showing more and more behaviours at home.
He was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD on top of the autism/aspergers. These traits are far worse than they were before. He used to be able to sit still and relax - now he's far more on edge and moving about when he used to just relax. He seems to want/need to fiddle with things all the time - I've had to rework several habits that he's developed (like playing with things at the table - something he's never been allowed to do). He's FAR more oppositional than he's been before - he used to be so biddable, now he argues about EVERYTHING. It is so tiring.
I love L with all my heart, but it is so difficult right now. I try to find positive things to praise him with, but he's making it harder and harder. Maybe it is partially jealousy of his new little sister, but I think that there is more to it than that.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to strangle him. It is so hard when I just can't get him to pay attention. He just takes off into his little world and doesn't come back. He blurs the line between realist and whatever fantasy he is currently playing - he doesn't see it as playing or preteding - he acts as if it is real. He has really started copying things in a way he never did before. He copies things that he thinks are funny and repeats them ad nauseam. They are not funny... We try to explain things to him but he just doesn't get it.
I know that much of this is related to his autistic characteristics, but it is so frustrating. I want him to understand what his behaviours are doing. I want him to see that the way he acts is going to lose him the friends he so desperately wants to have. He can't tell the difference between kids laughing WITH him or laughing AT him. Sadly it is the latter that I expect is most often the case. He is constantly getting in trouble for his behaviours, and rightly so - the teachers just can't teach around him sometimes due to his silly attention-seeking behaviours.
L just can't seem to see beyond himself and his own needs/wants. If he wants to do something he will do it whether it is a good idea or not. He does not listen to reasons why it is not a good idea (even when it is dangerous). He is unwilling to accept that some things are just not ok. If he wants something he is determined to do/get it.
It isn't as bad as it could be. L will listen to me when I put my foot down. He does not do anything criminal or truly hurtful (not talking about behaviours when he has meltdowns - a frequent thing at school... a subject for another day). But I am terrified of things getting worse. He is already far worse than he used to be. It goes in spells I guess.
I just want my sweet loving boy back. He still has his times where he is so kind and loving and caring. He still will sometimes go out of his way to make me happy or to be helpful. Sometimes he is completely sweet and biddable. I just wish it were more often.
It is as though he just switches a switch. He does seem to have control of it. If the consequence is severe enough he will quickly smarten up and behave. But other times there just isn't a consequence he cares enough about to make him want to behave. Positive reinforcement seems to make no difference. Negative reinforcement is only sometimes helpful.
Sometimes I just want to wash my hands of it. I feel like saying "do whatever you want to" and let him deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, the way he tends to go I can easily see him making bigger and bigger mistakes and winding up in jail... I know that I need to stay on top of things and keep him on the right track.
I feel like such a failure as a parent. I feel as though somehow it is my fault. They say these things happen when a parent neglects their child when they were little. I tried to be a good parent. I don't think I truly neglected him. On the other hand I was suffering depression at the time - maybe I did more damage than I thought. I have no idea. Did I create the problems he has?
I never thought parenting would be easy, but I swear this is much tougher than I ever expected. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and make things better, but it doesn't work that way.
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A peek into my life
posted at 09:21 pm on 12-20-2007
Since this is my first post here I figured I should set the scene, so to speak. I am a 32-year-old happily married woman. I have two kids, L, who is 8 and the new addition, S, who is 2 months old. L has been diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers, ADHD, ODD, anxiety, sensory issues and CAP. I just think of him as "on the Spectrum" as he doesn't really fit the exact requirements for anything official, but definitely has many "Spectrum" traits.
I am NT, but have my own range of issues. I have had some emotional imbalance troubles, mostly depression (now in good shape although I am on meds as a precaution against post-partum), but also aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder.
I guess I've had some Aspie-like characteristics over the years. I tend to have a good ability to focus on things, but my interest is rather short-lived. I flip interests frequently enough, although many last longer than others. I never truly lose an interest, it just gets put on a back-burner for a while.
Current interests include board games (I love collecting and playing unusual games, but I get bored quickly with playing the same one over and over), reading (this one is always around - mostly SF and Fantasy, and parenting (what do you expect with two high-demand kids). I also enjoy writing (children's picture books most recently - not published though). Horses have been a life-long love, but in the last several years I ave let that go to the side for a variety of reasons.
Other aspie-like traits include not really liking eye contact, being a bit of a loner, not quite managing at a social level (particularly when young - not an issue now although I don't really have any "true" friends at the time) and liking my space.
My son is a fantastic, loving, caring boy. At home he's great. At school is another matter... He has frequent melt-downs, is very oppositional and manipulative and just doesn't "get it" in socal situations. He is super social but goes about it all wrong, copying "cool" behaviours, getting in people's faces and not really playing cooperatively. We have just started to explore medication as an option to help him.
My daughter is a super big girl, weighing in at 10lb 9oz at birth! She is so strong it is amazing (yes proud new mommy here). She is basically a good baby with a fussy period in the evenings.
I am currently off on maternity leave, but work at a vet clinic as an assistant/receptionist. I love the animals and the job. I am even considering going back to school and working on becoming a vet.
I live on a 100 acre horse farm with my parents (two separate houses). I am their only child as my brother (who had severe CP) passed away when I was 17 (he was 19). They are very involved with my family, especially L. We are also very close to my inlaws (although they live 2 hours away we all get along very well).
So that's basically me :) I'd love to chat with other parents with kids like mine.
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