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Remnant's Blog
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Making Functional Adults
posted at 12:40 pm on 01-01-2006
It just hit me. The point of reproduction is not to make babies. Babies are dependent on others for support without being able to contribute to the support of others. The point of reproduction is to create new functional adults. Adults depend on each other in more or less equal measure, like the baker can depend on the woodsman for wood for his stoves and the woodsman can depend on his baker for his bread, and the farmer can produce grain and meat and depend on the baker and woodsman in turn.
A mother who makes a baby has not succeeded until the baby becomes a functional man or woman.
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Bullying
posted at 03:55 pm on 12-14-2005
Well, for those who think that bullying is harmless, or that it's right to bully people, here's a bit of news:
Bullying kills. I feel like it has already killed me. I sometimes lie in bed willing myself to have a heart attack. I feel like the bullying was actually aimed at taking down civilization. They do it to smart people. They wreck lives and twist up souls. They make the effect of a smart person either non-existent or twisted and tormented in some ways. It is so endemic in this society that people meekly accept absurdities like the idea that an endangered species can be saved or assisted by legal bans against breeding it. Why would someone like me have sympathy for endangered species? I am an endangered species. I have been prevented from breeding myself by a society that simply seems to hate anything that lives. This is a horrible negative because obviously, a person should want to save an endangered species because it's a good idea, not because he's been put through a lot of pain.
Bullying is why I don't have a car or a job. It is why I will probably not survive this winter. It is why, when I needed my mother's help and nurturing in a normal way, I could not get it. It is even why my mother thinks it is a bad idea to help me when I need something, and why she won't lend me her car, and that may sound childish, probably does sound childish, but if she put herself out a little I would be a lot more likely to get a job. Jobs that I can handle are just out of reach that are an easy drive away. Of course it's "my fault", as if I were never bullied, as if I were never a victim of child abuse, as if the bullies didn't actually push me out of one job this year and as if I don't have legitimate health problems that lost me the other job I had.
If someone wants their child to die slowly and painfully and wants to get off on it, do what my mother did. There is a huge element of sadism in the way she is doing things even now, and a huge element of both deliberate sabotage and contempt for me. If she was going to be a decent human being, she would find a way to get me to work. Since that is the last thing that she intends to do, she's just pretending that there is some God-given reason that to do so is a "bad idea." That's her kind of divine mystery, how she can make things better for me by malicious neglect. Getting rides does not work around here and it's dangerous. They won't show up and they are likely to be drunk or on drugs or both.
I'm screwed, I truly am.
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How can I possibly trust people?
posted at 01:31 pm on 12-11-2005
All of the relationships I had with people who were supposed to "raise" me were relationships in which they worked hard to catch me out, even if they had to pull sneaky tricks on me, and then inflict sever pain on me. This pain included beatings beyond human endurance. I often wish that those beatings had killed me. I would wake up and find myself not knowing how I got where I did.
There is something about this world. Anything good in it, someone keeps after until it is destroyed. I'm someone who hates all attempts to keep big cats out of private hands partly for this reason, because every time I turn around someone is contriving to kill off more big cats. A so-called rescue organization, which is anything but a rescue organization, wants it to be a felony to breed big cats. How on Earth is anyone supposed to save a species without breeding it? Why are these people so contemptuous of human rights? I can't stand this garbage. If it were actually going to save big cats in the wild, I might go for it, but the biggest repository of big cats is in private hands in the US, and these people want to destroy all of them. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it. How do you get across to people like these people just how badly they are damaging the world?
I don't know. A bunch of people, including my mother and my teachers, deliberately damaged me very badly shortly after I was born. It's the same thing to me. They have decided to disable and destroy a lot of good things on this planet. They disabled me to prevent me from interfering with the destruction, because the "something wrong" with me is that I don't play that game, destroying stuff just to be destroying it.
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Reasons for restrictions?
posted at 06:49 am on 12-11-2005
I couldn't ask why human activities were restricted so badly without being hurt. This problem kept me from becoming a part of what was going on, it was "just obey" and not "help us to get where we are going." I'm not saying this right.
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Not Surprising at All
posted at 08:04 am on 12-10-2005
It is not surprising at all to read about the fraudulent charges against people like Sherman Austin or obvious misconduct involving the Homeland Security agency, which seems only good for taking tax money and lining pockets with it. Frame-ups and fraud are not at all surprising because so many people did it to me starting when I was around 6 years old. Teachers do it to small children as a habit, as do bullies. They treat it as an acceptable and necessary part of the conduct of their business.
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Wasted
posted at 09:05 pm on 12-09-2005
I was wasted around 1967, and all that has happened since then has been to a remnant of myself. There is something wrong with this world. When it looks like I might do something with my life, if you can call it a life, it reacts to stop that from happening. If I clear the bar someone smashes me over the head with it. When I count the things that they were able to take away from me, I realize that my real life has been stolen from me and the world has been made much poorer for it. Here I am at 45 unable to do things that I would have been able to do much sooner if people had allowed it. They won't allow it. Nothing that I can do can ever make it work for me.
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Where the world begins to die
posted at 08:22 pm on 12-09-2005
I feel like this county, where I live in a piss-poor trailer, without a job because the bullies drive me out of jobs, this county is where the world will begin to die. It was sick before, but this is where the stake through the heart goes in. I am powerless to stop it. If I want a life for even a little while I must leave here.
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Treachery and Deceit
posted at 08:18 pm on 12-09-2005
I see all authority figures as treacherous and deceitful because, well, they are. They tell us we have to register our animals, and they deny that they will use those registries as shopping lists to go out and confiscate those animals later. They they will, like they did in Texas, go out and confiscate and kill those animals that were licensed. Their word is no protection against their own vicious and destructive actions.
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The Descent of Man
posted at 08:34 pm on 12-07-2005
Mark Twain was absolutely right in his essay about the descent of Man from the animals. We're less physically fit and less in touch with our emotions. We're not even that smart. If we were that smart we would realize that we are not useful animals unless we are useful to the rest of the family of life on Earth. We aren't smart enough to take care of our support systems and we will lose them and then ourselves.
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Too many problems
posted at 10:09 am on 12-05-2005
Copied over from the forum:
Too many things at once. A lot of the time when I talk to people about my problems they don't let me be me or be rational. They go right off on their own tangent way fast, so it's no longer about me, it's about their stuff. This is OK when it's casual, even if it's annoying, but it's not OK when it's a therapist/client relationship. It is also not OK when this is someone who claims that they are there to help solve your problems. All they seem to want to do is replace your reality with their own, to overwhelm you with their idea of how things should work. When it's my mother and several other people who I have met, they believe that they can replace physical reality with their own views. I often can't understand or explain those views. It may be an Aspie trait that I can't understand internally inconsistent systems of logic and that I have great difficulty reconciling magical thinking with external reality, especially when that magical thinking comes from someone else who is trying to impose it on my life.
If I could get a job in this town and keep it long term, I would do a lot better. I would be a lot more eager to live for my next few years. There are people who do dirty deeds to get me out of jobs around here. There are also jobs that most of the people around here can't do and I can't do them either. I'm not healthy or strong enough to move at an insane and unsafe pace. I also should not try to lift people.
Insane things keep happening. I had a very off-the-wall physical problem the last few years before this year. I can't explain it. One of the symptoms was that a certain popular personal lubricant would not act as a lubricant against my skin. I would put it on my fingers and it would instantly lose its lubricating properties. How is this physically impossible unless there is some chemical in my sweat in huge quantities? What chemical could that be? Never mind what I used the lubricant for. I do not want to be any more explicit at all here. It's such an off the wall symptom of something strange going on that it will be a miracle if I can find any mention of it in the medical texts. My sexual potency was also affected, and I've had other symptoms. After leaving the place where I lived, in the middle of a farmer's field where he practiced no-till and heavy herbicide and pesticide use, the symptoms slowly started going away. A couple of months later, potency returned. The lubricant problem went away after another month or so. Actually, the burning in my brain was one of the first symptoms that went away, thank goodness, but it alone had nearly driven me to suicide. It badly affected my judgement and cognitive abilities. I think that I still shrink away from mental labor by ingrained habit.
My heart still doesn't feel all that good. One of the symptoms was long periods of time of high, about 120 per minute heart rate and high blood pressure. I'm pretty sure that this was a symptom of pesticide exposure. Certain foods would aggravate it. I still get it but not nearly as bad. Recently the heart rythm has been able to settle for long periods of time into something more natural. For a long time it had a sharp edge to it that was painful and now that diastolic wave seems to rise and fall more slowly. A graph of the pressure would have shown a really sharp spike instead of the normal sinusoidal wave. Even at that my blook pressure never measured much more than 120/80.
Maybe what drives me to thoughts of suicide now is BS. I've mentioned that there are people in this town who are out to get me. I don't know that there are any paranoids out there whose paranoia is not somehow justifiable. With my history how can I believe otherwise and still be rational? They've pushed me out of jobs before. They pushed me out of a job this year. Other bullies have pushed me out of other jobs. This isn't justifiable just because I might act a little funny. The people who use this justification use it to practice acts against other humans that should get them in big trouble and even in jail. There is no excuse for what they do. It is evil by their standards. The consequences of going along with this evil have already been devastating.
I may have mentioned before that I feel like there won't be a world to wake up to one day. Humans could putter along perfectly well with a population of about 2 billion, and let other animals alone or other humans keep animals, whatever their pleasure, and the whole biosphere could live together for eons. The philosophies of the people who keep damaging my life are going to inspire them to whittle away at all life until there is nothing left. There is no way that this can really be right. I have trouble believing that it's real.
They come after us and tell us that we have to give what we love to them so they can destroy it because it's the law. They come and tell us that it isn't ours and we can't keep it if it isn't licensed, regulated, taxed, declared safe by government fiat. They keep pushing for more and more restrictive laws in the land of the free. Just thinking about it and speaking about it makes me want to do violence to myself just so I can get away from it.
I don't know how to keep from being reincarnated. That's what's stopping me. I will only wind up back on the bottom of the pile again. I will know that I have been owned by forms of psuedo-life that are bent on the total annihilation of life on Earth, and that I will be owned by them again. I might be painfully aware that there were once life forms on Earth who could help with the loneliness, who I am only allowed to see from behind glass walls or on television, and that my only company is humans, who for the most part are pretty much zombies, decaying flesh, barely functional minds, and an absolute determination to exist without living.
My agenda is to make it so that we can have contact with the natural life of the planet and there will be plenty of it to have contact with. The risk of death, which is real if you actually get off your ass and go somewhere and do something that serves your real self instead of big industry, is better than living less than half a life serving corrupt rich people because you're too afraid and too small to live your own life.
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I was chosen to be the whipping boy
posted at 01:00 pm on 12-04-2005
In some way I represent the force of life in the area where I was born. They use me to torture that which lives. Conversely, they torture that which is alive to hurt me. The more I fight their destruction the more they will destroy. They will pin me down and force me to watch the destruction of what I love. I can't appease them. They laugh when I attempt to appease them. They play at being "fair" but what they really mean is that they will use the appearance of acting like good people to make me look like a fool.
People know what is going on but they are too intimidated and too wilfully blind.
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Enraged and sickened
posted at 04:49 pm on 12-01-2005
Tigers almost never kill anyone and they are going to regulate tigers. Wolves in captivity almost never kill anyone. Cougars never kill anyone. A lot of exotics never kill anyone, yet in the interest of safety, they want to "regulate" and "license" with the eventual goal of confiscating the animals all at once. I don't want to live in a world where I cannot be with a big cat.
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Mother
posted at 03:39 am on 12-01-2005
Mother is the person who tells me that I can't do things, then she tells me to "do something" with my life. I have few skills, little strength, little health, and she likes to kick the legs out from under me for the fun of it. How in hell do I do something with my life? When I have the means I can't figure out what to do and I can't keep it together in my head. She's told me "don't get ambitious" and used that tone that means she will kill me if I do. She works on a part of me that I still have little control over. If I do take some control, to this day I have no doubt that she will find a way to destroy me for doing it. She was very convincing when I was a child.
I should have dared her to keep trying to destroy me until I wore her out. Now I don't know if I have the physical strength to do anything like that.
The kind of person that I am should never feel as if he will be stricken dead if he defies his mother. I am in that position at the age 45. If I wish to live I am going to have to please her, and it will only buy me time.
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I may go in for surgery
posted at 03:18 am on 12-01-2005
Haven't been to the doctor yet but I'm going to go. Then I am going to look at these things and say "Did I have someone save my life for this?" Wherever I go some vicious person or some vicious person's laws are going to take away what I have to live for. Then I will have nothing worthwhile to live for, not like I would have. Why live then? Why do the nasty notions of a few humans add up to the removal of everything that a man might enjoy in life? Why? Why can't they feel suicidally depressed when they do things like that, and why can't they then take their own lives, pretty please?
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It just gets worse
posted at 03:10 am on 12-01-2005
Too many things that I see add up to this: I and other decent people are being pushed out of our lives and into limbo, as if someone has decided that we don't belong on this planet and should be replaced by some sort of thing that seems to hate all life. Honestly I'd prefer outright murder because it gets the torture done with. A hundred years ago most of the species that have gone extinct or were endangered were prosperous. Now not only are they gone, there are people who make a point of rooting out the ones that people would save and killing them. Their excuse is that those animals are dangerous but their real reason is because they want them dead.
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Made it
posted at 11:22 pm on 11-29-2005
It's always this way. About half of the time when I wake up I have this weird feeling in my chest, like a hard balloon has been blown up in there. Sometimes it feels like I will pass out if I move. When I do move around, after a while it gives and I feel a rush of fluid around the heart, feel a little dizzy, then it passes. I am often hypertensive (about 136 over 88 b.p., pulse 105) after this happens. This is going to have to go to the doctor. It's been there for at least two years and shows no signs of wanting to go away.
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Might Not Survive Part III
posted at 05:09 pm on 11-29-2005
Knowing what I know, and looking at the people here at Wrongplanet, I can see what has damaged us and the results. Computers are just about the only real advance in the last 20 years, and I'm glad we have them because they are still good for the next wave of real advancement in human science. I see a bunch of people here whose poorest efforts, untampered, would have continued progress in science unabated since the explosion of science from 1950 to 1980. Their best efforts might have gone interstellar. It takes a certain kind of mind to solve certain kinds of problems, to take solutions to the next step, and this is where a lot of them are.
A lot of us are drug-addled who would never have done it to their brains voluntarily, without some medical authority that we were supposed to trust or at least obey even if we didn't really trust them. I would never have done to my brain what they would have forced me to do to my brain if I had resisted.
You know, if I go to the wrong person about my heart problems they will insist that it's "all in my head" and they won't look at my heart, even though it hasn't been looked at in over 10 years. They actually think that they can just look at me and talk to me and "rule it out." This approach is very obviously dangerous. Even if it has some limited validity, the number of heart attacks and strokes that people have by the age of 50 is too many to ignore like that. Do the psychologists and psychiatrists even ask when was the last time someone had a checkup?
If it's someone who feels pressure in his head all the time, don't they dismiss it as emotionally based or caused by common allergies? We don't get to have cerebral allergies or chronic high pressure in our brains because the drainage channels to the spine might be blocked. Such things are ignored, they're part of our "mental illness."
I dont' know. I seem like a drama queen, and I feel like I don't sound the alarm until there are ice chips skating across the deck. I've got "tolerance" of pain, illness, inappropriate behavior by others, and I put up with it if I can drag one leg using the other. I do this because my mother will yell at me or the doctor will throw me out of his office or I will lose my job or I'll go on welfare or I'll have my life disrupted, and then I end up in a jam and can't convince people that I need big help, now, without screwing around.
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Might not survive-part II
posted at 04:41 pm on 11-29-2005
Doing this a few paragraphs at a time because the computer might jam or I might jam or reality might fall down around my ears.
Here I am again pretty well knowing that I may have a dangerous heart attack if I try to go out for groceries. At least I won't be driving a car and endangering others. Oh for God's sake, at all costs, don't let Momma's boy drive a car and put others in danger while he tries to have a LIFE. He doesn't need much to live on, let him work five hours a day four days a week and pay $400 a month out of that. He's just imagining his heart problems anyway.
There really is too much to live for, if the powers that might be allow it. I am going to take two aspirin before I go out, with food. A lot of the time when it's like this I get to feeling better after a few hours. I'm not sure if it has or hasn't been this bad before. There are too many factors to weigh, but there seems to be this crushing finality. Still, I think that what is really going to happen is that I will feel a little crappy until I get used to the cold and the exertion, and I will make it out and back just fine again.
I'm not going to be able to convince my mother that there is something wrong. There is no use allowing her to participate in such decisions. The real decision here is going to be to take on a hospital bill that I will probably never be able to pay, or that will wind out wiping out in advance any proceeds I might gain from the book I am writing, if it gets written at all.
Some people might think that I am taking the attitude that if I die my work dies with me. Not consciously I'm not. I have trouble doing anything. When I was a teenager I was adept at mathematical modelling and I lost a lot of that after they drugged me. I lost more in another episode of drugging, and after that the loss seems to have been progressive. I had one insight that a person who is reasonably adept at math and calculus would have been able to follow through on quickly, at worst in six months to a year without trying. I've been at it more than five. I just keep having to batter down brick walls in my conciousness to gain one step at a time. I've got to have more than something that might be good for a paper somewhere, even if they took papers from industry outsiders, the bastards. The difference between a book and a seminal paper is almost all of the money that a book can earn. That can sometimes run into the millions of dollars and I need the money.
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I might not survive today. I
posted at 04:15 pm on 11-29-2005
I apologize to anyone who is alarmed by this, but this is the truth and I have to leave a note.
My chest got way tight when I went out just a few minutes ago. I never know if the spots I see before my eyes are because of emotional causes or aging or no problem at all. I lost my last job because I lost the use of my left arm unexpectedly. I had had severe pains here before but I assumed that it was because of ill use, like sitting here typing with my left elbow sitting on the desk, or walking for five miles with the elbow crooked carrying a jacket, or muscle pulls or whatever.
The feeling in the area just behind and to the left of my breastbone is of a mass of constricted blood vessels. I thought they were getting better but they're not, they're worse today. I have had fainting episodes before, never actually passed out but faintness and weakness. I fear that there is not an adequate blood supply to my arm or the left side of my brain or my heart. That's where it hurts when I try to run.
I have no medical insurance and can't seem to hold a job. I can't talk about this with my mother because she gets wierd, angry, and it makes me feel faint, sick, and helpless. I have a wierd feeling that I will live longer if she is not involved in this. She has this way of denying that I have a real problem until I actually collapse. I feel like she would let me die unattended if she read some of the things that I have written here.
I don't know if I can even walk to the hospital right now or to the SRS office to try to get some assistance. I think that there is little doubt left that I am physically disabled, at least temporarily, until something is done about my heart or whatever is wrong. Even if I can get something done about my physical condition I don't think they will do anything about my utilities or rent so I'm going to lose this place to live and be God knows where with a bad heart and just won't be able to take care of myself. What I think I am going to do is walk to the store for some groceries and if I feel better after that I feel better. If I collapse at least I will be found right away and maybe treated in time. I think it is really bad this time. I'm real good at surviving it but I just don't know.
There is one final equation and a few weeks work between here and finishing a book. I'm not quite getting the equation. If someone somewhere wrote a story that I am a title character in, in which he just misses finishing a magnum opus work and the world is denied his genius by his tragic death, I want to find that someone and kick his ass so hard his ears will ring. How dare even Fate do this kind of thing to people. Goddam sorry-ass so and soes.
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My Fantasy
posted at 04:35 pm on 11-11-2005
My fantasy is that humans learn to exist peacefully with other species and behave maturely about others having different animals for companions instead of acting like paranoid immature little brats about it. Few things hurt me worse in a personal manner than laws that ban breeds or species, especially outside of cities. These creatures lived there before we did. We are guests. If we don't want to live with the other animals in our homes, that's bad enough. If we want to forbid others from allowing this, and from taking care of them, we've got our heads where they'll never see the sun. I'm sorry if this sometimes leads to dangerous situations, but humans are more dangerous to each other than any other species even thinks of being.
This is very literally a wish about the NT attitude toward life in general, which seems to exclude almost anything that actually lives its own life. What they seem to accept in humans is the inability to live more than half of a real life. They're dead inside, or carefully hiding their lives.
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Taking risks
posted at 03:23 pm on 11-04-2005
Many many times someone has told me that "we can't take the risk" or "you can't take the risk." Nothing worth having comes without risk. It's risky to sit on your butt too much because your cardiovascular system collapses on you and you die.
It's worth the risk. Love is worth the risk. Casual sex is worth the risk. Being yourself is worth the risk.
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First Blog Entry, Ever
posted at 03:01 pm on 11-02-2005
I know I'm going to look like a troll, just riding on top of the William Freund thing, doing who knows what for nefarious purposes. That's the first thing that I would think if I saw someone like me coming in here the way I that I do.
There is a lot going on in my head, and a lot of it is good. I'm an activist, at least in my mind, for social change. I think of "normality", at least in its present form, as corrupt, violent to the point of being murderous, and degrading. Not being "normal" is usually a gift, and that might explain the despicable treatment that "normals" give to people who are "not normal."
I'm not very optimistic about the future of humankind and the rest of life on this planet. I have axes to grind on these subjects, and one of my favorites is the treatment of animals. Not that I think that a human life is more or less valuable than that of another animal, but there's too much of going around killing off animals that are potentially dangerous to humans even though that potential is realized less often than someone gets electrocuted on his backswing at the golf course. Allowing people to take just a little risk would make a whole lot of difference to the survival of the biosphere. Nothing worth doing is without risk. The most worthwhile thing to do is to save the lives of other creatures on this planet, whatever it takes. When it is as worthwhile as this, risk-taking behavior is acceptable. I don't mean people should be walking adult tigers down Main Street, either. I mean that they should be allowed to have the animals they want as long as they make reasonable efforts to keep them and other humans safe from each other.
The world is still worth saving. There is a lot of it to save. We've never been more able, as far as I know, to protect the planet. NASA actually plans to attempt to deflect an asteroid in 2019. If successful, we will at least know that we have the power to prevent some of the most devastating natural disasters that can happen. This is encouraging. I feel like it gives us the strength to take care of and live with the other creatures, our friends that we have grown up with. It also gives us the strength to live with the inevitable few accidents that will occur. The most dangerous thing for us to do is to sit in our homes afraid of the dark, or even the daylight, because this practice literally kills hundreds of thousands of people each year. Those of us who get off our backsides and do stuff save our lives, make life safer as far as the mortality rate goes, and we make life better.
I'm real big on writing lengthy polemics. I should have started a blog a long time ago.
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