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SeaBright's Blog
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Sep 08
posted at 12:18 am on 09-07-2008
Had my eyelashes plucked today. It was very unpleasant. Resultant was a sadness a curiosity and a whimsical of the differences between the testing of head hair and eyelash hair. It does make sense that their is a stronger current within eye lashes. Yet, ouch! WT
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In The News
posted at 11:03 am on 02-18-2008
Feb 18 08
Beef recall
A couple of separate crowd run overs/street racing invoved.
A bunch of feet floating around
Missing kids
Downed planes
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Pet Tales
posted at 06:21 am on 01-05-2008
2/14(?)08
I find myself missing Sydney today. It's happened a few times recently. As if he's on my shoulder and I'm pressing my jaw up against his fur as he chorttles his little rat way.
He was seriously something else. Though my keeper promised them safe passage she made me watch them die in the utah winter, their cage plopped down in the snow, no food, no water. Pure evil. One by one, frozen stiff in the mornings crisp chill. It took about a week. My babies. My friends.
1/19/0\8
Parrot whispered to me to come talk to him. He was cajoling me. I was thinking, dude, I need you to come live with me. the name Moko came to me as I was headed home. As a short form of those gasoline bottle and rag bombs.
1/09 More on Angelo. He seems to have responded to my lengthy lecture about acting like a dolphin by only half acting like a dolphin. He did that after strangers were in the house. It's so interesting. The fish has got a brain and an intellect. Just like a dog would only different.
12/30 My Fish.
Is trying to jump his cage. Literally jumping at me. I had to put the lid on. He doesn't normally do that. He is always communicative and pranceful and playful and uniques. He LOVES attention.
I thought on an old pet the other day, from the eighties. Deep gray. Thick necked. Well muscled. Short soft hair. I don't know his name and can't place the residence because I confuse the first 2 cats at one house with following cats from the next hous. His/her face was muscled too. I was (presently) laying for bed, and after all these years, I had an image of him crouched on my chest/belly, as if resting. It was weird and it was so nice. He wasn't much of a stretcher. His place of rest/calm/balance. I think he may have moved with us...because I think of him in the one place where he was around but not in my sphere of direct contact, to the other house where he was. I get him mixed up with an earlier cat though, I think, unless he is that cat. All I know is that he died, naturally..... 2 different houses. It was really nice though. Something happened to my sis's oarnge tom though. I think his name is Tiger, and I think that is just the name I mentally called him, not what it really was. I dont know how he died. Sis has always carried it with her.
Tommy. Her cat. I think his name was Tommy. Unless the grey's name was Tommy.
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OK Winters officially over.
posted at 10:42 pm on 12-29-2007
Watched 2 movies; Beowulf and The Kingdom. Both very good.
And the fuzzy bear goes....whucka whucka whucka whucka...
Easter-Hebrew lesson. I and boy went shopping for pants, ended up getting those binders I was looking for and purusing a collection of hayden-handel (for me) and tsychosky for him. Found a megadeth cd, was like, oh my god woo hoo, it was not in its case though at checkout, so I kept a ru cd to play. A buck or so.
Had not realized my check went so fast. This weekend was financial organization, still going. Have a large payment to arrange deferrment manageable payments on. Problem is it sort of spins me, the thought of speaking to someone, so I don't answer the phone and think to take care of it in a minute or a day or tomorrow. These things grow to years. I suppose this will be discussed with my shrink. Should my passiveness not take more than a week.
Feb 16-My fat butt broke the bed and I'm well accoustumed to sleep on the floor----oddly, no one had a clue I was aspergic until last year, so autie floor treatments were not to blame....
Spiders have moved in, spring, time to wrench myself to the shopalot.
First scents of spring change over the last few days. Been going aaaaah.
Feb 1st. Well Keith died-and I was relieved. I was afraid of keith. I don't even care if it was connected to that falling mouth of his. Could as likely could have been whatever strange things he was into. I wonder if my non sympathy is related to my Aspergers.
Jan 13th or so.
Just had a reallly weird experience on my favorite forum. It sort of reminded me like when your parents touch you and you tell the teacher and your parents tell you to talk to your parents about it.
Yeah. Same theory of mind.
Or like when a cop does a bad thing and the only people you can talk to about it are his friends. Yeah. Same theory of mind.
Or like when your dad rapes you and you tell the police who are friends of your dad only you didn't know it and they say you have to lie or they are going to shoot you and throw you in the river.
Yeah. Kind of like that.
I just wish people would be more careful with their implications on others.
Not totally though.
There was actually 1 appropriately non biased and equally concerned voice. And it was enough to make me feel better about the whole thing.
Though I might never feel the same about that one forum. Such is the bend and sway of the earth day by day.
It's Dec 29. o7. Plans for the new year? HELLL (pc heck{pcc oh me goodness)_No.
It's the wrong new year anyways.
So...I stopped acting sometime around 2000. Not really.
dec 31 or ? 30, 1/1 I dunno. Odd thing happened today. I saw son up and proceeded to start to build him breakfast. Then I asked if he was going to (wherever) and he wasn't so I thought I was in the clear to go back to my fat lazy ass sitting. He said he WAS going such and such. and then "Good Morning _______my first name' . I laughed. I don't like my name by the way.
Hearing it from that source was, well I laughed didn't skip a beat, said morning back, then asked about breakfast.
Went to the dol last week to note changes on my liscence. The reciever said I didn't have to make changes for the changes. Conceded. Then Gave me a discount. He was really nice to deal with. Made me feel like I was 3. Some ladies on the way in mistook me for so and so. They were on my impaired side and in the fuzz;and I didn't look up. I could see/sense their body movements and they appologized profusely waving their hands in front of them. sorry. sorry. sorry. (miscalculation. no offense. Im embarrased. wrong girl.).
It's Janurary 2nd.
Water Cat
It's Janurary 2nd
Please dont spam me.
It's Janurary 2nd.
My boss asked me if I enjoyed (how did you enjoy) your weekend.
I tell him, yes, I spent 4 days on my back.
You hurt your back?Q! he says...
No I say. I enjoyed my 4 days, vertical.
I had to calm him by reiterating (wrong word Im sure), watching tv, playing on the internet. And how my time spent was wasted but not. The facts of things. I was VERY well rested, enjoyed tv, tried to do some things I had promised myself but kept distracting with tv, or sleep. Kept getting sleepy.
shrug.
Spent it on my back.
How'd you spend yours?
Jan 5 08
going to try to get something done today. no...that's not gang slang. no.....thats not inverted speech. just plainly, I am not referring to 'the' something. Referring to the fact that when I have a particular I need to work on I usually get distracted by others in que.
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Started 8/1: DREAMS ONLY
posted at 11:02 am on 09-02-2007
FEb 20th: It was so brief-must have dozed and then awake; it was of (***) walking to a wall, reaching over and (crisp!) pulling a burnt arm from where it had extended-stuck. And then I was awake.
Feb 17 08-dreampt about the sprinklers again csssssssssss choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo csssssssssssss choo choo choo choo choo choo choo choo- years outside my window (across the street really)
Jan 23-08
night,are about gorillas owned in apartments by kind of people who should be on that stupid show* and resturants
anurary 22 2008-
Um. It was a cross between a dosy and a dream -I COULDHAVE roused; it wouldnt have been much of a push.
It was a dream of me sleeping/or rather a headshot as seen from a camera clicking on zoom. zoom. zoom. zoom. Zooming in on my ears. In front of my ears were little tiny breathing glands, open in the center, contract and release, as if a like a heart.-little hairs rimmed the edge. There was a jagged starlike pattern to the apparatus. The pulsating was the function of their hearing. I was scared in the dream. I called out to someone and said I am scared. At the same time a large triangle of space surrounding a sore spot I have had since youth seared with pain. But I didn't want to move or rouse. Having an extra set of ears micoscopically was far too interesting. But that wasn't it. I connect my back dreams to someone trying to help heal my back. So I don't fuck around with that when I'm in this dream.
07
October 30th pst 445am. A spider. A gorrilla. A arm uncoiling froma jail house slot turning a thumbs up. Someone trying to knock me off/pinch point/decapitate me off the top step with a raised fork/lift. K or a woman's voice saying, 'hay stop!" somewhat exasperated. A car honk. The extended ladder of a big fire truck rotating on it's piston. Lots of firemen/or people in shadow on the ladder coaxing someone to jump. Fireman tossing a baby down to another fireman from the ladder. They were smiling.
This must have been a 30 second dream. It was one of those paralysis dreams. Oddly, after the car honk and somewhat blindly grasped for the light, fists raised, as the gorrilla thing was coming my way I stood up-still not quite free of it-as it was fading. This IS a development to my sleep paralysis episodes--gripping in youth and adult hood-I stood up. could be a bad thing too....
no. but Im awake when I stand up anyhow-even is the dream is still translucent in front of me. I know where I am in other words. didn't like the dream though. I was taking notes to take notes as I had it and I missed the first 2 images through the process of the following 10.
Also, got the impression of Cpl S. Woke up with the back of my neck, a trouble spot, tingling. It had only been a 45 min morning nap to cover for the past 3 hours awake after yesterdays 9 hour rest. And I WAS on the floor where a few wandering ants seemed to have been scavenging earlier due to the managements ban on poisions.
October 29pstth 2:30 am. *Dreampt about SD 88 or 87... And a coworker asking 'how would you describe it?' Had to turn the lights on. Background, at some point in time I flippantly mentioned to my coworker my flight through a field there in early winter am, and what I was 'seeing' hungry, soaked, and somewhat hypothermic. But I wasn't thinking of re*living* the vibe. Yikes! True it WAS also interesting.
SEPT 23
DREAMPT about the work store where I'm supposed to pickup cartharts, a muslim exranger who has cold arms but was wearing a t-shirt stating he had cold arms, my son's friend driving my sons car and when captured 'like a dog' his statement that 'he just found himself behind the wheel. I dreampt I dropped some of dereks classmates off at home after the work store people called the police for me about my sons friend who drove his car while my son hung/stood on the side trying to get him out. after getting back from dropping them off, the state patrol arrived with a car ful of arressted occupants. The neighborhood I was in was degregated (apartmentland) but all of the occupants including the prisoners were really nice and honest! The prisoners were let out of the car and unhandcuffed. They went for conversation or food or the toilet. For some reason at this point I was laying on the ground wrappped in a white flowered comfortor beneath a sink that was above a manual toilet bladder flush, which was black and accordian shaped. The officer, a candid black man in his mid forties, kicked/toed me and asked "whats wrong with you". "I am hungry and I am cold" I responded. He said, "well get some clothes on." As the policeman drove up prior to this we all saw what looked like a T-Rex toy UFO fly acrossed the sky. We all noted, Hey! that looks like T-Rex. I think the officer may have put me in 2.75 wide shackles, legs and feet. I don't know. I did see the black male prisoner who was the most 'normal' in that he stood up for the 'illegality' of the kid stealing joyriding the car and also that he stood up and spoke EXACTLY what he saw in the sky; well--anyways, before I stood wondering why I was being asked to get dressed when I was already, I saw his feet walk by me muzzled on a blue dog leash.
Then I woke up-hungry and needing to take a piss. The kid arrived with the car. He said the friend he was meeting with DID NOT request illegal access to drive.
*funny though, it's been 20 minutes (since I dreampt that) and a car (occupied by noisy STRANGERS) matching his color and size just parked next to his in the lot liscenced 695TRX (t rex)
doo doo doo doo.
UPDATE:then...2 hours later I go to the work store to pick up the jeans I ordered some weeks back, and 2 cops are there. The store had just had a robbery.
doo doo doo doo.
Sept. 22 2007.
A quick run on a complex dream (little children of badly raised parents are playing out in the yard :-()--I can't concentrate ie.
me. some coworkers. in a different setting. we were on our way from oregon to san francisco to star in (not who's the boss; but that era). we spent some time with the aging woman of 'who's the boss" though the sitcom was mute to this dream. She fed us well.
then for some reason instead of going to san fran to do this we were going north of it to work on our boss's swimming pool. current living boss. some other people of native indian culture had already competed the work, though saying the work was at 22 or 20 feet. I swam in and it was only an 11/12. It was in the style of 'Poltergeist' the origional. Then my boss had these small dogs. they acted like squirrels though. Could climb a door way. There were a great many strange things in this dream. Boss's wife was in the dream. Though she looked different than boss's wife. Or it could have been an aged version, more likely. Though this is only based on my waking thinking that I spotted boss's wife before. Back to the dream. The goal of the work was home/yard repair. There were two segments. The earlier part of the day. And coming back after supplies arrived. The coming back hour was 12. midnight. Boss's wife was busy bustling with homewares, shopping. We did some shopping for the household while boss's wife was away. There was a child in the house who liked , rather who had lost a toy to damage. I bought him an Elmo toy, 2 of the same in fact, though afterwards I worried because I had not recieved clearance to do so. We were doing landscaping boss and I on phase 2. I think at this point the others had left for home; and there were some problems with his neighbor. The task was some staining of the grass/er hillside that sloped and weaved on his property, oddly, in wood stain. Boss's wifes dogs looked like long haired cats who could climb walls.
She looked very happy watching them do this.
Then I woke up to him calling DINNER'S READY. I wondered if in real life he was just then saying this to his dogs, and pondered how and what they ate; but later, on recall wondered a second wondering: if in real life he was just then saying this to his wife as she toiled out in the yard on this sunny beautiful day. Basically. But was solid thought was a wondering, a revisiting on a wondering of what IS dinner time. What should a dinner time be. What is others dinnertimes. Inspired by the dream-I settled on 5:11.
And realized. I've been eating right since working at this particular place, and true, a lot of it is due to FINALLY finding some simply decent ...humans to share my day-but I havent achieved the level of cooking and keeping right that I had before my boyfriend lifemate went crazy in 1992/93---Back when hell opened up and kept firing. The other day I realized though-that I no longer NIGHT TERROR every night, or close to every night. I pondered whether this is time away-time under my own control-or simply, the lack of a law that states when I am or am not to sleep, what facilities I can or can not operate during this time.
Alot of it is just quenching the screaming bellow of the dark by...turning on a light.
I've had a handful, maybe 3 or 4 nights with the tv off even. Now that is phenomenal progress! And....without a keeper-back to bed I go :-) I did actually have a post dream wondering about my former boss. See, in real life a client had given me a red knife, had handpicked a bunch of folks to give a red knife too, but because I had almost got in big trouble over a non related to the client and the knife allegance issue AND because I didn't think it was fair to the thoughts of the non knife bearing coworkers, I had never worn the knife. But today I had painted it in my best color. Only the after sleep wondering left me realizing with pressure that it is also the color of the former boss. And I wondered, rather decided to paint it in one of my own colors after this thought. Again, not wanting to cause misconceptions.
MONDAY JUNE 11 2007: MALE (fogged communicat Repeating this name for clarity) Bab. Barbara Risann. Rizand. (Rizanne).
9/13 4:30am "
I dreampt I was out on a walk in a neighboring town only the main road I am thinking of wasnt there and it was wooded and trailed. A whitist cougar ran up on me and I was scared but I scared it away like I would do dogs. Then I saw a bear-and high tailed it out of there. As I exited the woods I saw the bank, it is a key bank, though I was thinking frontier bank or columbia bank. It was however in the key bank position. There were a policeman's car lights--only they were more orange than usual. over there at the bank. Following my autistic take on 'go towards the light' I went that way to stop my mind from wondering. I entered the bank. There were normal people and paramedics each down low over a person who lay on the floor-both women. on the floor I mean. One was wearing a pretty blue flowered silk dress-light blue. I think her throat was gouged. The other was first a head about 6 inched from her body fully severed. There were 3 bodies on the ground. But those are the t2 I remembered. Everyone seemed dazed. Except me. The/A policeman asked me what I was doing there. The question rolled sound in my head-Its a bank. But I read him as if he thought I had involvement. The question also rolled disturbing (to me) as through my self reference I viewed it as a given. Theres a bank with policemen and lights and it looks much safer than that cougar and that bear and dont you want to know about he cougar and the bear so somebody doesnt get eaten and is everyone all right? Are there bodies? Did somebody get shot. What happened? Why would you have goddamed lights if you didn't want to get noticed. Sorry..there was an unknown and my computer brain knags if I don't quench those sometimes especially if there is danger about and all these stupid people who wait until the last minute to deal with it and then dont have time to know whatto do...
well truly, "I wanted to see what was 'going on'' officer. That is why I walked over here.
The dream went on but it wasnt really important. I think I went to the downstairs of the buildin....oh yeah... I went to a buffet with my kid and the bank teller. plates were hard to find. The bread hoagies were in one area and the carntias in another...which made sandwich making a chore. we all took a nap in the floor in separate compartments.
strange shit.
At least my morning nap to catch up on last nights insomnia didn't result in coexpedriencing some child's abduction through his or his assailants eyes. Those floor me. They just don't compute. how do you report THAT in THIS world.
FIRE...OR WAS IT SMOKE/STRONG RACING HEART"8-1
* days background. Left work at noon-disapointed. Decided to go use my psychic and normal memory to track something I won't mention. Stopped for bison. And took my nervous self to a conveinent tree lit table to draw the scene. But as I thought of another name related to the sight a car slowly creeped in, the man looking at me. I spooked went home and tried take 6 or so of making it through movie "Siriana" before falling asleep. And fall asleep I did, but only for a second.
**
I listened to the movie scenes, realized I was dozing, and opened my eyes. The apartment was filled with a haze/smoke starting at foot 5 to the ceiling. It moved and drifted slightly in a smoke like way. I jumped up trying to smell, trying to listen, trying to feel heat, trying to identify the source. My head was still strong with sleep. I was trying to rouse. My heart beat quickly. And I noticed, it beat much more strongly and cleanly and healthily than it actually is. It felt good. It felt like 83 sort of good. The last time I noticed my heart for the machine that it was. The sleep grog slowly left, as did the smoke, as did the beating. And I was back to my miserable, messy house, aching heart sort of self.
*The review. Thinking back, well today, I wonder if bison is maybe smoked to corral for slaughter..but yesterday when I had the dream I wondered if the bones of the baby were burned or if the child could somehow be associated to the boathouse where a boatless owner of a stall keep a quiet location that burned some time under ownership or realitively close to cessation of ownership. I don't know-it was a few blocks away anyhow.
so today I go to smell.
and will add ash looking to my agenda in the grove I have on my mind.
-update jan 5 08 for 07 . yeah, I went back. there is a building and grounds built there. I remembered too that I had walked there a long time ago but stopped where I found a charred ground and thick brush/hedge/greenery/trees/dark.
-------------------------------------------------
I had a dream this morning and dont remember it because I got distracted, and I did make an entry relating to some of it. It wasnt a scary dream. self introspect: It involved frustration with tatooist's, my boyfriend of long ago taking a picture of my butt, (an ultimately 'losing' the film) and a self article brainstorm relating to lies that are percieved by others concerning an aspect 'that THEY may be thinking on' when truth speaking to an aspect that I AM thinking on.
Concerning the same subject matter.
I swear, people are just nasty.
(Comments)
Winter Journal
posted at 05:59 am on 09-01-2007
December 14-well and so I am likely fired.
Because I exhibit competencies in some areas I am always thrown under the buss by being placed in areas under the assumption that those competencies will overlay.
Anyways, spent the morning writing childrens songs for terror zones. Unfortunately they were forgotten by evening. Somehow the change from the car to the home doesn't overlay.....
Found Out my legal dad was beating myt almost legal mom and cat Oct 11th. Reported own abuse Oct 11th. Recieved flowers on my porch Oct 16th...his birthday....I'd read into it...but I can't so I won't. It was also a few days before a dinner I attended and the evening following a spat I had with a "brother"...so it doesn't necessarily mean it is a gravesite reference.
Anyways. Days have been lazy and comforting and warm next to this cool garage sale heater. Beyond that they are frustrating and overwhelming. Missed my autie appointment. Had to relive the othert half of the family's child abuse, in addition to ongoing reliving of other half of the families boo tah hoos. ...and grr. Working on communication. Finding people can 'hear' me best when I am a couple of drinks in. Though I don't care for drinking. I've just noticed this fact-almost in an experimental way. I must be dying as my life still daily passes before my eyes. No nightmares. Not for a long time. A fire. A snakebite. NOTHING like the woo hoos of the last 2 years. I think I am cured.
September 22nd. I know because auto insurance is due today. I paid it yesterday. I woke to the sound of "Dinnnnner's Readdy"-male voice I identifyed as one person, but when I woke up and tried to 'recall" I idendifyed as another person-still settling on the origional person-but noting the resembleance. "waking up" still counts under dreaming.
Yup. Still September. monday. the 17th. no ones birthday is on this day. no one died on this day. maybe somebody was dead on this day. I don't remember late summer in vegas. no dreams are ...not really.
but about shahbah. I havent seen him since I thought him away. I've tried to think him back, but it is better this way, in a sense. (innocence?). the last shahbah cat I had got tthrown out a window by someone-not me, 5 or 7 miles from home. he found his way back; and it happened again. it was cruel punishment for loving me. and that was just that one cat. we had dozens. sigh. but I had 2 of those dozens specifically attuned to me. the black and white fighter cat. and the expensive jet black white M shepard. parented by the wildlife. yeah i'd call that a hope from hell.
Friday in sept:
which of course was STUPID, because I had already driven by and seen the new complex, only the conflict registered as 'pause' this aint right, isnt this where.... 'hold' til later.
In other words, where I was to go now had a neatly groomed single tree and grounds next to some new service facility or some kind of structure. I didnt get out. And was reminded of the compactor.
The irony.
8/31/9/1
I just want to add that after I posted this and brought out milk shabah sat with her eyes closed for 3 house and didn't touch the milk; disapearring sometime around 5.
"THE NAME"
Well, the first thing to come out of my mouth when her eyes glazed just so was ssssshaah baah>
so..that became it's name. I just was curious as usual and searched the web to see if there was an actual word with that meaning. There was! Something, a place, or lagoon, or oasis in upper Egypt. Fitting. I like to do that. Cross reference the silly syllibuls that fall freely from my tounge. A waverly fancy.
I heard ALOT of babble growing up in other languages. Babbled a bit myself for awile. But never in arabic or farsi or hindi or ursi (or whatever that other worldly far east dialect is... or egyption. Though I *thought* (as in thinking as thinking is) that I lived with an egyption posing as something else. I've got to wonder why my head wonders such things.
"Fall First."
Then the cat came back, the very next day, the cat came back, he couldn't keep a blah blah blah blah. Courus 85.
So..I put out my cereal milk for batface. Disdainly for the reason of (insert former cat taming mistake here@Blackie)
The next day I noticed it was down a bit. The next day empty. Could of been the neighbors fleabag, though. But this morning on another dream filled rest that has me up at Moscow hours, he )or she( came from a visible angle, not all sniper like before. ....crossed a distance, and back to it's hidden spot watching me.. I thought it was a different cat untill I saw it's face within the same context.
SHAH BAH. I went in the house, came back and it was just head in and racing out. twice this happened. I bellied up again and it nosed the direction of the empty bowl. ah-SHAH BAH for milk? da. ok. but not too much. making a friend ill is not friendly. milk and animals=diarea. D milk is better though. Im sure she has a rice tag, but no collar. so when she is close enough I will nab her and take her to processing.
I'd get a loony bin note so I could keep her....but that's just crazy.
SHAHBAH has strange eyes. Looks like a normal mutt siamese body colored common short hair, long tail until she gazes on you. Her head is too small. Her eyes have the appearance of luminiciant gold, at least hazel. Pretty creepy effect from her position in the bush.
I wonder who's throwaway this one is and why people can be so stupid to not understand the humanity of the cat. Not a Peta junkie though. It's mostly all the same in the end. I notice. I notice the background.
(Comments)
Journal Blog Summer 2007
posted at 08:33 pm on 08-05-2007
Later:
Oh! Now I remember! The dream was switching back and forth between our old horse and a huge stable and (I think california feel locations) and K@@@@M- who is another story completely. It was taking place on his 6th ave store which always actually shows up as if everything had been tore down and rebuilt and as if he owned a house next sttore and shared his office complex duplex style with some white physicians who were clueless.
But it was still an animal shop and for some reason when I have this dream he is knowing I am about, but it is as if I sneak in when he is absent and as if this is an ' understood arrangement"
It's pretty creepy-but I'd like to stop having that dream. I don't need to see his face any more.
As to the horse. It was work related as in a boss was running the low key family relaxion. That it is a horse I know and love (for what it was worth) is amazing. I never got to say goodbye or even spend much time. In the dream, whatever the cause of the gathering, I defiantly or non caring went to his stall (though boss knew) and took him. We rode near delapidated fences of well drainage wet rototilled small lands. He was big and well muscled and perfect shit brown--and happy to have the attention because for some reason concerning a sibling I dont particularly care for, he had been left with minimal care and musty rigging in some far off forgotten back corner.
Then in the dream for some reason there were others who were visiting south and I had to find my way to help them get retrieved by their trretrival deadline. Something about engines. I don't remember.
Then back to the K@@@@m dream.
These dreams somewhat maybe parellel a couple of segments of my kidhood. There was the good and the bad. The many different families. The few different states. And all the travels and circumstances and understandings between. I was 90 by 14.
Mon Last week of Summer:
well, another dream; this one I was a spider who had it's web disturbed abuptly for a spit second. (felt awful jarring with all those eyes. Now I did recently have a spider encounter that lasted a few weeks, involving the running machine of green river victim's mother number 40 (something).
I understand. If I was a spider, I'd want my web there two. However, I gave up running rights. So, as like training a dog, and it took twice, I let the spider know my trouble and apologees. While sitting nearby a bush after that I got that fear factor and realized I was staring at him. He had moved right after that. And I hope the dream was not that in his new place the swallows had gotten him.
had food poisioning. I now know it is latex-fruit variety. What this means is that a person with latex allergies may be allergic to certain foods based upon the fact that the allergy is a protien shared by both varieties.
met a new cat recently. While sitting I looked over and saw a face in the shadows. I'm scared of racoons that close. But it was a cat with the oddist geneology. It didn't want to be touched but wanted to. So we managed the first hellos.
OH, then today, while sleeping to "The Interperter" which I was trying to watch for a second time with latex-fruit allergy reaction, before getting it back to its owner, I dreampt of K@@@m. I dont remember the dream now. Having woke up abupty to the blah blah blah of the menu screen indicating that once again I had fallen asleep by scene 6t of a favorite movie. Forget typos.
It was of the hospital setting-and people.
Sun 5 Aug: I saw the most wonderful cat today on the drive home from work. It was grey. A grey tiger.
Thursday 9 Aug: I got bit 10 times by an aggressive house spider over the course of the last week. I know this because I have killed 3 aggressive house spiders of the same size in the vicinity. That and well the other..
So. I am anemic today. I notice when I scratched my hand aon accident and the blood ran like more like water. It just took me by surprise is all. I am NEVER anemic.
I wonder if it had anything to do with the spiders. I havent killed that one yet-and he hasn't hunted me to the next room either. shrug. lazy girls don't fumigate.
Some day In August..
OK fine. Not wanting to fold out my bed I fell asleep on the floor in front of the tele bundled in an array of mess and blankets. Or was it not wanting to climb into the bed I had already folded out...I don't remember. Anyways, I skipped the bed for some reason. Sometimes it falls down, and is rickety-I hate that, though love the size.
Hence the experience. The background: the light was on, sometimes that agitates me during sleeping, glaring into me somewhat over time, making me wake cranky. But what happened was weird. Not neccessarily a dream. Not not a dream. First was the stumach pain and the feeling of electrically disturbed air. A low buzzing. Heat, as in menopause. Then immense belly pain, followed by, characteristic, feeling like bile. To this I tensed full body resulting in a somewhat of a siezing stone like feeling, that of a flexed muscle, holding, ..in my heart. So I woke, realizing that it must be the floor (I tend to be environmentally challanged)-and fixed my bed, which I still can't remember if it was folded or just in its state of broken. Went for a ...drink of 02 probably, and had a thought/impression as I was getting there. It was "And that was a snake".
My thoughts wandered to the likely /unlikely likely hood of snakes being able to exist beneath my abode and of the species of them in my region in general, taking in to consideration the likely/unlikely likely hood of such a thing as transported/escaped exotics and the spicies and poisions/manners of their kill methods, ect.
And then I didn't think on it but for the knawing that I should write it here as this is one of my favorite abstractly screened for appropriate content diary's. Besides, writing is painful and complicated and would come something like "I dreampt of a snake"
bye!
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journal blog end of july
posted at 06:02 am on 07-29-2007
Typo this.
I forgot my fish's name. I mean, I KNOW his or her name, and its not changing, but I forgot it. It's on the top of my thoughts but not accessable. INCREDIBLY annoying.
I forgot one of my most memorable current coworkers names too. Actually had to ask. Um, sorry so and so...but, I'd forget my own name if it wasn't stamped to my liscense...you understand ...don't you?
Tyke got 2 Bs!
I know what your thinking. The rest were D's, right?
I'll let you ponder that.
Fishys name started with an A and referenced an angel. A specific angel. Not apollo. Not Adrian. grrrr.
No nightmares---for A LONG time now. But for the growling wart hog dream which really wasnt a nightmare. That was 2 weeks ago. It helps that I sleep with the tv and lights on. Silence is deafening.
So...up early, not so sure why. 2 days in a row now that Im up in the way early am. I like it. It's better than dragging ass in a fistfight for hygene 20 min before takeoff.
30 even.
-----------------
I had to have a long conversation with him about his thruster, stabilizer, propellers...before I popped the question...no, not Andy...
Ah.....how could I forget? ANGELO.
"HE" wanted his heat turned up....something about being tropical.....demanding rocks and scenery and EVERYTHING. Now, THATS my kind of fish. Good Dog.
.....Interesting, my kitchen manifested better lighting after appeasing his need. Sure I did this myself. Change is: I had the WILL.
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hairy spider
posted at 01:54 pm on 04-18-2007
The air changed. Pixels. The squirming of eye parasites drifting across my field of vision. The flux and flow of life.
Oh Gawd. One of those nights. Better take a melatonin 25 mg or I'll nightmare before I sleep. Better take two, this has come on suddenly. No dreaming since last night. I doon nah wanna see that eye again. Dooh too Dooh....go to the room...oh there is a crack/opening in my window shade...don't want pervo looking in.....I'll just move that...ACK!!! Big hairy spider. Body language is mean and mad at me. I'm confused. I let one alone the other day just because his body language was soft and contemplative-almost poetic. I'm not sleeping in here. Can't kill it or the thought of it will crawl all over me all night. I slept with my foieng coing collection, feeling protected and calm and thinking of ...better things. No dreams. Great rest!
Though, I did go in and spray some simple green in his last seen location.
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White Gloves; Silk Parchment, Foam Bazooka.
posted at 12:16 am on 04-18-2007
The most lovely rose petal sound, fluff fluff fluff (Undescribable) and a white glove handed the folded parflowerment to a suit. There was the sound of a shot, only, not even muffled (Undescribable) as if it were a 7/8 in galvanized ball shot through an inch and a quarter by a quarter foam tubing.
Theres a third comment. I got to leave it out for sanity.
Dreams of course
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Another tragic teenage train death/Adrianna investigation reopened
posted at 10:59 am on 03-24-2007
ok. this almost never happens. the police have reopened an investigation concerning the tradgedy of a local child death and bringing those responsible to punishment.
sigh. Wish they'd reopen jenny and michellas. Course...if cps was doing it's JOoBb...
Son tells me a female student in his Algebra class threw herself in front of the local train that crosses through a local park earlier this week. When asked, he said he didn't know his classmates as he sits front of the room. The news didn't cross the news. Sad. The year before another high schooler amped on lsd carreened down our road and off of it. The new owners of that property have, through landscaping and blueprint effectively negated the trauma to the land and onlookers of the site. Last year a senior rotc officer was run down while walking the tracks with headphones on. Too many dead kids.
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Dreams 3 17 2007 Shot or Strike
posted at 01:39 pm on 03-18-2007
I went back to sleep today and dreampt of a craaack, then a tendril of smoke rising from my heart region. A little later I drempt a screen rose before me, flipped through data, landing on the number 4. A little later another screen came into view flashing as like a storm.
-My first thought was that the dream was in answer to my curiosity about the mans death, revealed by the number 4, the near cross street I noted on the drive. I concluded the crack was a 22 shot, corrected by the later dream of the storm and its lightning flashes.
I then dreampt of people hollering for the order of fake shake.
Fake shakes make my throat close-so essentially they were calling for my death.
http://www.thenewstribune.com/news/crime/story/6420918p-5723351c.html
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ghoasts and working
posted at 08:27 am on 03-18-2007
worked, like, 5 places this past 2 weeks!
A couple years ago I worked nights in another town. I would travel home in the early morning hours, stopping a town over at the 24 hour espresso place for a nightcap. Seriously coffee to bed. Each time I would pass this one same dark spot I would see a man standing off to the left. It tears at my heart to know. I went tonight-for coffee, and to wish him a warm wool blanket of warmth. He has helped me in other respects. I wish I knew more about 'ghoastology'
The fact is-I am too frightened of the known unknowns and try to keep my senses of them to a minimum-except in cases like this.
ie: you won't find me wandering the woods alone. He probably died of exposure. The trauma that kept him was the rare occurance of northwest slavery. Such a nice, warm, deep souled soul, brutalized, humiliated, run down day in and day out. Liked candy. Candy's gold when your starving.
whoah. I had a sense of a name a while back. I felt drawn back there a while ago, as if he asked for a visit. I wonder how long his sentence to that post is. It seems to me that he should be free. I actually gave a ride to a coworker who upon my passing the spot and saying 'blah blah blah I always see...a man standing there' exclaimed 'blah blah blah' me too, I thought that was just crazy speaking..ect.
I don't remember who she or he was. I'm going to investigate further.
This sort of stuff almost never happens.
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dreams and inquests
posted at 04:37 pm on 03-13-2007
GI with steel boxed clipboard walked by-the inquest begins.
March:
was laying in my bed dreaming my frustration over 2 interesting people; I decided to keep dreaming, just then my aerospace instuctor busts into the dream with a pressboard clipboard and a pen, "YOUR NOT RUNNING" he checks a line/box. I flew out of bed so fast.
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http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/hbase/kinetic/kintem.html#c1
posted at 12:49 pm on 03-04-2007
:)
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I HATE
posted at 12:47 pm on 03-04-2007
losing books.
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Taxi and Plantations
posted at 10:56 pm on 02-04-2007
Took the cab out to get the truck. On the way home, I past the old farm-and said hello.
I used to pass it most every night for awhile. There's a recurring experience each time I pass. The STRANGEST tthing. It looks entirely different in my perifrials. Just there. Cept today. DEFINATELY different. Well it was daylight for one. And I didn't have to see what I normally see for the other.
I haven't dug around into its history yet. It seems pretty obvious. Large rolling ....nm. I just wanna roll by and see if a thought is useful.
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vrrroooooom 10 years gone
posted at 07:03 pm on 02-04-2007
and.....the 5 speed. crrrrunch. oh yeah right...clutch thingy. And it's not even mine!!!!!!
Another gift.....he likes it very much.
Another gift...I liked the experience very much-with breaks from the hummmninahummina gimmie a hummina. That's right. Auction.
It was phenomenal. We went with nothing and walked away with alot, and all the trauma of dmv was done for us right there on the spot.
cutest little metro you ever did see
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In faaaact (the gifts of the sprites)
posted at 10:20 pm on 02-03-2007
everything has been replaced......except.....for.........My dog; and the outdoors.........................
and the fireplace...........................
and the flute..................
max?
I gotta wonder sometimes.
I wouldn't move from here though, for those things, here is safer than risking a move to a new unknown variable.
The difference in electric from curtains up over the venetians and curtains gone from over the venitians is exactly 100 dollars per bill.
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More on Alan
posted at 09:44 pm on 02-03-2007
In todays dream he reminded me of the German looking Danish guy. Though right now, because the name Alan has come up twice over the years, when I think on it, he reminds me too of the boyfriend of a waitress I worked with in n cal.
If I reach, maybe the lesson is in the way I do not understand recieving gifts well. I never send a card for a real or percieved gift recieved, for lack of hallmark making card boxes that I like; as well as all the confusing too many choices in the store.
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more dreaming
posted at 09:31 pm on 02-03-2007
so awhile ago while dreaming I dreamt of a human, pretending to be a ghost, he was saying to me, 'you uncovered me when...' (you have to help me because I'm a ghoast and you came in contact with me) but I cut him off there and angrily woke up pissed that a human would attempt play such an ugly game on me.
Having a fair share of physics in both the adopted and natural family it is difficult to tell the different from the dead and the living when they come across the divide.
Well today, there he was again. This time dressed like a mime, though speaking, and going on in a purposeful emulation of a (forgot word) 'fem' homosexual plus likely heroine type of acting explaination.; and going on about the "Gifts", didn't you like the gifts.. And I felt terrible. Had I misdiagnosed my own house ghost/kami ....as human, at his first....real human form of interaction? Had I been so cruel? So utterly cruel. Yes. I had.
When he said, 'you uncovered me....'
I didn't remember.
Does it count if I didn't notice?
Back 40? Door knob?
I wish I knew where.
I first noticed him when I started college. 2000-2002 or so.
I'm sorry buddy. You always came across as a cartoon spider tickling my face when the alarm failed. I thought you were a .......... sprite. I love the lamp. And the bed/s.
Why would I not want to acknowldge my guardian angel.
Because then he might go away.
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Dating Predjudice
posted at 06:03 pm on 02-03-2007
I Didn't even consider liking him as he was German pretending to be Danish. Indicating-Deception. I am going to go back to my intense dreaming session now.
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Same ol and Taxes
posted at 10:27 pm on 02-02-2007
about the man, he was pleasant enough, it was the CONTRAST between his behavior and what I was thinking of what was behind his behavior. Anyways!!
I need to buy a 4 ft ladder.
For the kitchen.
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Dreams and Taxes
posted at 10:15 pm on 02-02-2007
Went to the tax man. Reading in the lobby he walked up silently, stood in front of me. And spoke my name. In such a command I nearly jumped out of my skin. He dismissed the action, as if it hadn't happened. Peculiar. I asked him if he normally gets that reaction when he sneaks up on people like that. He thought the question odd. Peculiar. We sat. He moved and spoke in such a way. Peculiar. Each movement he made. Each reach for the pen. Precise. Slow. Peculiar. I wondered what a CIA assasian was doing working at the taxman. OR if the CIA had offered to employ this one yet. Cut. Slice. No connection. Peculiar.
(don't read too much into that one).
We actually ended up talking about work and school and how to survive the work environment. I would have asked him out if the unknown was not so unknown about him in a known way. I can't have a boy sneaking up on me like that, say if he desides to go insane or something, which was what I was thinking about.
He was like 'Psycho' and 'Terminator Cop' rolled up into one-psycho body and abstractness; terminator cop eyes and deadness. But very intriqueing the same.
Next day I lay dreaming watching a charity show. A celebrity I associate to the charity, in my dream walked purposefully up to me and dropped a large bag of coin on or beside me.
Later, I lay dreaming in my covers, bare chested. Feeling the blanket on my skin and feeling it in a snuggly way like a baby or puppy. IN this dream a mentor asked "when was the last time you did that (allow myself the pleasure of that comfort). Long time I thought, grateful and grateful.
I woke, donned a shirt, met my son in the living room. Tax man called he said.
(Comments)
orfactory disfunction:
posted at 12:55 pm on 01-30-2007
I went to the EUROPEAN deli, thinking it was russian, and being assaulted by the scents of my youth, of cumin spice and a type of cloth. So it WAS a European store.
Amoungst glares and hooded woman saying allah akbar, I wondered, I should have worn a hat. I didn't expect to walk into a circumstance reminding me of my adoption. And I felt awkward.
Amoungst pungent smells I realized. This is NOT the same as the European deli where ignoring my allergy I bought fish and sickened myself. This was like my growing up home!
I purchased a pepsi and left, a little befuddled. Why didn't they just say mid east or asian deli, I wondered, though understood. My muslim adopted parents had always specified.
They had nothing like the other european store, where I go to remember my russian birth parents had-and I had to widen my perceptions. I didn't even see a deli area, but I didn't look around much, I was rather afraid that they might from the look of me, recognize me. Just the coran sitting on the shelf, I stimmed, the memories of my youth. the strange smells. the different expected behaviors. the punishments of my unique situation. cumin and spice. no fish.
I wouldn't have minded knowing in advance so I could have grabbed a hat-and met expectations. I know how much that offends them, having been taught young, and wanted to save them the offense-And I respect that.
My mispercetion that all european delis are one way and not varied was a new development for me.
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blah blah blah
posted at 02:41 pm on 01-28-2007
Well,
I've been being a grown up about things and am on day 4 or so of the parasite and bowel cleanse.
What has happened?
Nothing!
I guess that means...either the product didn't work or I didn't have toooooooo much of a problem
But, Im going to try kidney, liver, and metal detox next.
Other than that-I am sleeping on a cot. Totally yanked that twin bed out of my room and replaced it with the camp cot-and i like it. though.....not sure why.
No work. Ah tomorrow be prosperous.
Been yakking way to much in general. Time to knuckle down and try to find permanant work. Times are tough when you lack the facility to play a tough game.
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Parasite cleanse hour 1
posted at 05:48 pm on 01-25-2007
I m a realatively healthy gal. Here is my journey~
First affected-eyes
Second affected -body iching
(what Im feeling after first dose-man fast!)
Third-nose
Fourth-ears
Fith-back-lower
sixth-face and arms.
Me thinks
a bunch of little organisms
are going
WORMWOOD!VACATE!!!
though on an informerical that I didnt buy you can actually see worms and such coming out of the skin.
I bought a cheaper knockoff being poor and not knowing the site of the infomerical.
I'll edit or repost later. Its important-everybody has them.
Legs.
ew..get out get out get out
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stupid titles
posted at 04:56 pm on 01-25-2007
ouch holy sheet- body cleanses are painful; well noticeable. I took my first pills and within 29 min noticed pinch pinch itch---ew.
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Its what you dont think to say
posted at 01:49 pm on 01-24-2007
sigh.
After the adoption but before I was picked up I was shot during a raid in moscow. I was airlifted to poland where I comaed twice died a couple times underwent surger and was absolutly fine. there was a small piece of metal in one of my organs that they couldn't take out something about reaction with air or some shit which didn't make sense because it had to do with blood cleaning or toxin filtering or still .. liver or kidney, shrug. so strangely I recovered at home for a month. Mom was fine but my baby brother was no where to be found. my eldest brother was alive at the hospital. and I saw my eldest brother at the hospital and home for a few days before he went to stay somewhere else. dad flew off on a business trip. alone with mom in near silence without dad making the fires/coal heat (stove) in the house. it sucked. for some reason the adopting lady was disgusted and almost didn't take me. I guess she really wanted a kid that month bad because she instead adopted one from siberia. yet still I went to live with her. she stripped me of my bandages and issued my name like a citation. never again was I to speak. and so anyways; being stripped of all of this I find it difficult to just simply ask my instructor to "dont punch me in the scrapnel" as complicated lives are not very well understood I dont fancy. however, if you were to hear about it from a less functioning auty, I bet people would be amazed to know what it is they experience.
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General Update Late Janurary
posted at 08:56 pm on 01-22-2007
Well-my instructor keeps punching my bullet. Yes they are moderately strong hits-but nothing to curl up on the floor over-except there. It's a little piece really. But I have been hesitant to tell him about it. He's made the 'ovary' joke. I'm pretty sure he's thinking it has something to do-well the lung-I was a smoker. But alas, no. Just a little piece of home.
What else. Awe, new job for awhile. The pay is shit.
Ordered some toxin cleanses-am excited to try them out.
Made a friend of my neighbor I've been seeing for a few years. Turns out we are both into preventive medicine. Her husband has diabetes. I loaned her a book.
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Bills and Millimeters
posted at 06:27 pm on 12-25-2006
I realize that it doesn't matter HOW I blog.
I've had the very endearing opportunity to navigate for another a couple things that were they done for myself would make my head swim-but doing so HAS helped me in THAT DEPARTMENT. For instance-setting up his power bill for auto withdrawl for frequent travel, has me having the knowledge and context to do the same for myself for conveinence to ease my Aspergers.
It's really not so different from being forieng. Unless your forieng and forien. (you know what I mean)
I also found a hell of a deal for a Polish coworker who's been keeping me in the cheer. Nothing says "I'm cool" to a pole than the gift of a really cool thing, cept the deal on more. :-).
nuff. I need some sun.
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Cathy Passed
posted at 08:37 am on 12-25-2006
Apparantly Kathy passed a few hours after blogging her goodbye. She was SUPPOSED to have 7-15 days or so, after going off her dialisis, where she would slip into a coma and finally pass.
Is it better? Is it worse?
To leave sooner than later I mean.
Me, I would have been on areoflot and getting ghost.
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But Whining IS Communication
posted at 03:04 pm on 12-24-2006
Why do people consider TALKING to be whining?
Our power was out for 5 days. Had it rained we would have been gripped in snow. As the temp dipped below 40, I nearly lost my mind for lack of tv. On the fourth day my son shows me a pocket television discarded from his work site due to a damaged antenna I suppose. Holy crap--news!!! PBS!!!!! We had coffee heated on the back porch due to camp stove. Surplus (not quite) of carefully guarded candle-light. A sturdy flouresent lantern. And batteries for the radio. No, I didn't think of a motel. Turns out all those were booked by the end of the second day or so, anyways. The whole region was down. It was clear my community of 36 or so families was becoming insane. I myself cannot think without a hot bath nearby..... and waking up with frostbite feet just makes me angry. Balling up like a little freak hamster...it was as cold indoors as an outdoor snow.
It was the following heat that brought on the cold I now suffer. Shock. I know a good run would cure me-knowing this motivates me not.
Ironically, I LOSE weight the more often that I eat what and when I feel like it. And so, the eve of the eve of that day most people so endear, it became official precooked butterball turkey, chocolate donettes, and red wine day.
I'm surprised the wine was not to my flavor. They ran out of the red-I substituted burgandy. Bad for me. Pungent.
A woman I met a couple years ago through her dauther, who was for a few months my pscho boss, had decided (intermission: a dear russian jewish babuska brings holiday food*bless this woman every cheer-she means everything to me when she does that) well, she's decided to pull the plug on herself. Naturally, it is a joyous occassion. Goodbye dear Cathy. See you in a minute. What? Don't believe in the after LIFE? Well this old bird will be floating about spreading joy--its all she ever knew.
um. she's a bright one. I doubt she'll go far. Angelic.
(Comments)
Visit From Icky
posted at 08:02 am on 12-12-2006
Lots of good stuff has happened recently that I SHOULD write about, ships, Danes, Poles, Presents-but no. I tend to journal those in my head.
Anyways, as I move to the bedroom early this morning so as not to 'frog up' my spine on the couch I had an envisionment-like a daydream only like an unwanted daydream. It was Icky-standing in my minds eye. Icky is a real human from my past. I tried shielding. I tried blocking. I tried will power and thinking him out. He stood pretty solidly and somewhat threatenly, certainly still, and hard, and cold-such as gauging maybe. I thought uh-oh--better train, and I hope he still thinks I am a bug of not much consequence. Only..I know..that he knows...that I 'Isn't' and I am.
Coincidentally yesterday my 4th grade teacher stepped within my minds eye and fondly I thought, she must be dead to be here. She was a 40 something year old mountaineer in 85 or so. Tried to test me for dyslexia but I slipped her. Made me write alot of sentences-ALL THE TIME, which I was doing at the time I was thinking of her: I will mix red primer 262 at parts 4:1 condenser. I will mix red primer 262 at parts 4:1 condenser. Finding some warmth at the humor as I did so, though no one had asked. I knew a couple who would get the jest.
As for 'Icky' he was maybe 60 in 85, or maybe 55 or 50, so by now he is nearing his end life or maybe this was a heads up that he is already there. It's just...
well its probably just that recently I read in the towns paper about a contract for services going to so and so and I was ready to storm if it was Icky-only it wasn't. It was a good place who got the contract and I was SO grateful. But still. I thought real heavy for a moment on it. And isn't Icky a more powerful 'thinker' than I? Though, his attention deficit has NEVER wandered the way of a bug...
whoah! what a creepy journal!!!!
And I am at the last pages of a kick ass book written by psudo name John Case. Oh me gosh, it's been years since I picked up something with authoring even vaguely close to the good stuff here. It was called The Last Horseman--and I didn't even get the biblical link in the title untill the 3/4 end, rather thinking the call sign was something for north korea which is a small topic in the book. It is about biological genocide, twarted.
strong read.
What else. Little guy better on driving. Parenting classes-its never too late. Dads still juggleing the urge to think I'm a bug-hellllllloooooooo.
Everyones left me a good deal alone---thankyou.
I have people to look up to and things to aspire to. A few of the normal enimies-job security, petty female squabblis, the let down club and all that.
got to go.
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im ok
posted at 03:33 am on 11-28-2006
youd be surprised how many people need to hear that before they believe a thing. i took a hard kick to the ribs that brought me too one knee. currently my ribs have been so tampered with not broken that its just another nifty sorta section of ribs to think about. blah. im not thinking clearly. bye
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The Danes Have Landed!!!!!!!
posted at 06:01 pm on 11-23-2006
hmm. kid wants computer.
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Its Donut Day
posted at 05:51 pm on 11-23-2006
Its Donut Day. (Well actually, it's the last thursday in November) But it is Donut Day (or more appropriately chocolate Donette Day) because it is Saturday, or rather the first day or second day (depending on when I remember it is the weekend and I deserve .....a treat) after the work week. It's actually only celebrated once per month or bimonthly or weekly or biweekly. And sometimes depending on the stock of the local Quicky Mart-as I will not travel further for Donette Day supplies. Today is actually Donnette/Rest of the Red Wine Day Co...Co......and perhaps concurrantly (always trouble with concurrantly v consecutive but...got it!) need a walk...half a block to the Red Wine Day store (which also happens to be the Donette Day Supply Store..)
Cup 2. Donette 2. Just perplexing about what makes the world or why this or that or look what the fook, makes me happy...er...do I even have HAPPY right? sNICKERS...er....shakes head, poor thing...shakes head...this language.
ein, toe, trigh, fear, fem, sex, sue, knee, tea.
tuva, tralva, furr, helltress, tress, hellfiearce, fierce, hellfems, hunall.
Danish for teach me something NEW. or ...is it....KNEW?
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Celebrate the Massacre
posted at 05:12 pm on 11-23-2006
Just another day with another day's lots of stuff going on. I researched Turkey Day-I really didn't know but did know but didn't know and certainly didn't understand why we have this day thing here in america. But yesterday I pondered and came to a light but deep understanding that it is just so people could gather-the rest is pomp. Kids up got to go.
It's been hard, but it's been real good. And underlined with the sadness that only Max could lick bite and wrestle away-ever present knowing that it can't be cured because it can't be accepted. Well, rather, I could forget for a moment a second. I SHOULD find myself a place in the world. I won't. Lifespan is too short. I will only get close.
Thanks pooch.
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Main
posted at 12:05 pm on 10-29-2006
Driving Day:
My son is nearly 16. The drivers ed classes fill to fast so we went private. It is a cool school taught by former, current, reserve police officers. They issued his permit waiver right away and I got an amazing 3 days off from work, so off to dmv, a little wait and wallah, a permit/state id for son. I can't believe he is grown now. well, we need at least 50 hours of drive time in addition to the class for him to recieve his license and we started right out, though I hadnt planned on it. Next thing I know, after a little parking lot time, we are on a main, slightly main road. This is hour 2. We will still keep mostly to the back roads due to other drivers, but it was a great excersise. This is the kid who used to do all of my shifting from the passenger seat while we owned a 5 speed and starting at age 4. I'm happy for him, and he's been very gentle with me as the panicked lady now riding side car. his first class: today.
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Groovy Guy, Brother Dreams 'I'm sorry..', Call to Rosh Hanna (hashana)
posted at 12:14 am on 09-11-2006
I met and communed with this wildly 'different' masononic catholic guy at this shit job I both love and despise. He got me to thinking about my comfort with the masons-though all we did was joked in about 5 languages and mindframes (embellishment). His name is Gabriel. Which got me again to thinking about attending a mason thing as a prelude to the local jew shop, much like I sought out the athletic advisor as a prelude to the college advisor. Somewhere in there is a comfort zone where I feel safe
yeah, my favorite angel.
or angel name.
michael may be my favorite angel.
I didn't get too far with orthordox lessons, always a mary girl befuddled by the jesus concept.
The next morning I dreamed my little brothers voice (younger older brother) saying.. I'm sorry. Though at the time I was thinking of the 'miami guy' who raised his voice to me at work for telling a couple others the shift was over when I was told that the shift was over. I didn't know the shift was over just for our temp service--IT NEVER works like that and the guy who had issue should have just been his own messenger. I never can figure why people yell. They maybe have lost face or been yelled at and so they must track down the likely source or most vernerable source to vent on--made it sound intentional.
Tonight I find myself at torah for tots, picking up where I left off. Sure, I'm 30 something, but there was a time when I was 6. And that's a great blessing--thanks guys...angels...brothers..friends...god...whatever. my brother one holiday time was trying to teach me to play the shofar, because I was so curiously persistant. But I don't think I was really supposed too...I remember him saying something to the effect. I couldn't make any sounds. I couldn't believe anyone could make any sounds from a hollow horn. They were good enough times.
(Comments)
and now I'm ok...
posted at 01:18 am on 09-09-2006
geeeeeeeez!
there went 20 years of ....
that was 20 plus years of HELL.
AND ANOTHER SLEEP DEPRIVED NIGHT....TO JUST FIND THE TIME TO CHIP AWAY BIT BY BIT AND ONLY A LITTLE BIT OFF GIBRALTER EACH DAY. iM CERTAIN THIS WILL KILL ME YOUNG. BUT, I CUNNA TAKE IT ONNY MURE KOPT IN
ROLLS EYES, SIGH, HEAVY SQUINT AN DAH SHAKE OF THE HEAD--THEN APPROVED GIGGLE AT MYSELF BECAUSE i AM SO CHARMING...AND SO 'OK' AT BASE. YET IT REMAINS. LONG TERM--THIS F@CKS ME UP. ALL THESE LITTLE.... (HAH! YOU THOUGHT i WAS GOING TO SAY ALIENS. F@CK ALIENS. I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR NO STINKIN ALIEN CONSPIRICY BS. LIFE ALREADY.)) GEEEEZ, WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE ON THE FOR OR AGAINST BANDWAGON. LET US JUST OBSERVE AND ANALYZE INTELLECTUALLY ALREADY.
(Comments)
and then....sister
posted at 12:54 am on 09-09-2006
your couple of emails back about not missing payments ect was very helpful~
thanks! I don't know why you later said.... are you compa...blah.
just ask. no. I was not comparing you to ...dad.
I was comparing you to everyone who has ever let me down at the very moment I needed their blessing. And I wasn't comparing YOU. I was comparing the rationale of others hearing my conclusion of the proper course of action AND my befuddlement at thier arguement/peer pressure to do anything BUT IT.
PERIOD.
dad hasn't done that in YEARS. He no longer completely doesn't understand me. Will the sharing of this joy make you jealous and changing the subject-like? I hope not. I'd like to think we can actually talk about the issues important to me. And not tip-toe around Bri's self centeredness.
Because I'd like to think you lift me up like I try to do you when your fucking up as in LEAVE JOSH. LEAVE WHATS HIS NAME. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS. PLAY MUSIC. DO FOR YOU. DO FOR YOU. DO FOR YOU.
Positive reinforecement is the ONLY way.
Tell me what you think all you want. Just don't be mad if I share with you a fault in it, because I ALWAYS include WHY--in an extensive effort to NOT infringe on Bri's delicate glass EGO that some fucker I'm GOING TO ANNILATE gave her sometime between the time Brandy got me kidnapped for 4 MONTHS and the time I saw Bri again with MICHAEL ONE.
Thank you for letting me rant dear one.
Hugs! and love.
(Comments)
I Further Went On to....sister
posted at 12:53 am on 09-09-2006
I can't believe you..
pulled the 'you comparing me to'
card.
when I wasn't comparing you nor stating an ultimate negative nor stating anything other than a frustration/regret at miscommunication with people who were only trying to do the best right thing for the percieved situation-without all the background information needed to make the assumptions of 'what would be best'. Do I have no one who can look at an issue on the table logically without feeling it relates to intrapersonals? spock?
re-read what I wrote in the message that origionally (and falsely I might add) set off your 'I am being attacked' button, and then translate it LITERALLY and not however you were.
I'm only ever asking YOU to help me define options or rather provide another lense. Not to MAKE THE DECISION YOU WOULD MAKE END OF STORY AND IF YOU DONT ....I'LL THROW A 'YOU ARE BEING MEAN AT ME BECAUSE YOUR REPLY WAS SOMETHING TO THE CONTRARY OF MY ADVICE AND WHY TANTRUM'
It gets hard over the years when your the one person who I have anything in common with-when I need you just to listen to where and why I can not, or possibly may not take your advice.
And I didn't ask for advice. I asked for help with making my decisions. Which means you are supposed to think of ME and help ME do what would be great for ME.
But when I ask for EXACTLY what I NEED TO BE GREAT FOR ME--you change the subject or pointedly ignore it or anything but helping me.
And when I say, but, but--you tantrum. Instead of sayi
thanks, really.
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WTF?? sister!....
posted at 12:52 am on 09-09-2006
oh! no no no :-(
I didn't mean to do that, or come off liek that.
As a friend who loves you I was just trying to share some common stumbling blocks I ...
trails off..
damn decisions? who's mad?
yeah, were all a bit muddled ...
I appreciate all advice.
You might say I never take your advice--but when has anybody who has successfully made the right economical new car purchase walked me through the process of new car purchasing?
I believe it is a wise decision for my current situation--which most people including you know very little about.
I've seen you buy a way too pricey car.
I've seen you flit across the country for boys.
I've seen you fad on one product after another.
I've seen you fail. fail. fail.
I just want to see me succeed in one small thing that will securely safeguard my family for the next ten years.
metro sounds good. or possibly escort. something with airbags to say the least. my little life spirit will be depending on it through his college years.
that's all I meant to say.
I have a lot of parenting and making myself 'applyable' and educated going on right now with a whole lot of help from the universe but very little actual help in the right direction from people in general. so off to my safe den to 'think' some more--maybe something will come of it.
up at 3 am to walk to that job that is going to put money in my new car payment jar.
It's not like I'm going to pay 300+ for a car payment--geez.. within budget already.
I love you sister.
please dont trip over my honesty.
I don't like shining sunshine up everyones butts all the time.
some reality tempered by logic is a good thing.
goodbye.
amber
(Comments)
oh sh@t sorry: Fred Dad part 2
posted at 12:07 am on 09-09-2006
IM SORRY for the emotion sharing. My days are hard right now--on my body I
think. On the one hand I'm gaining some massive health points. On the other
I havent slept more than 5 hours per night (16 is ideal :-) 12 is about
mandatory) for over a week.
A typical day.
1. round about 3:30ish to 4 am I walk in the dark 2 miles uphill to catch
the buss leading to downtown. To catch the buss leading to the docks. Well
tomorrow I am walking to the work center at 4am to catch a ride leading to a
big dusty warehouse where I will 'lump' boxes for 12 hours. I don't know if
the dock job will be up next week. My commute AFTER the walk takes around 4
hours total there and back. For 8 hours pay I am up at 3:30 and don't see
the carpet home untill 6:30 pm. Not including walking another mile to the
bank before 6 on the way home, or groceries, or laundry dinner those forms
that planning ect.
WHY DO I do this.
Because this day in day out job is the only place I 'feel' comfortable. No
one in a career wants to hire me. No one in the 'chosen' careers CAN hire
me. My counselors lesson for me this week (well last week, this week I
missed after pulling a 20 hour day to help the work center out as a favor)
is career bubbles.
I've found where I fit. After derek heads off in the next 3 years I DONT
KNOW whether it will then be feasable or not but I've found the bubble THAT
WORKS FOR ME. it is the sea.
Finding something that works for Aspergers does not make sense to neural
typical people. It involves LIGHTING, KINETICS, PEOPLE, SOCIAL STRUCTURE,
everything. One thing out of place is one thing. everything out of
place...well.
I am ok when I am ACTUALLY next to the sea. Not in an apartment near it. IN
IT. I am ok when I am working in NATURAL LIGHT. Not make me a narcissit fake
light. Not cubicle shut my brain off light. Not 100 watt make me see things
light. The earth as it was meant to be. I am ok when I work alone with
responsibility with minimal instruction. I DO NOT WORK IN TEAMS. I work in
teams. I realize that doesn't make sense. I THRIVE near metal and wood and
machinery and water. I THRIVE near people who are trying to get along and
communicate. I DO NOT THRIVE in an competitive atmosphere. Im not wired or
capable to even understand it or the existance of it. I LACK the theroy of
other minds that would make this possible. I work with my hands. I've an
intelligent mind for ....things--but I lack the ability to word correctly
what that means, and thus the ability to define and follow ANY PATH. Least
of all a world enhancing one.
But I'm working on it...
I thought counseling would be best, but it is a slow and ardurous process
and she sometimes misses what I say. A counselor with the disease would be
best, however, she only carries the gene that carries the disease
(disorder), so she hits things alot of the time--its what she misses that
keeps me with anxiety. Such as my need for diagnosis and possibly a medical
course of action--NOW.
Next week maybe-or I'll email her tonight about an appointment with her
doctor friend.
Further positives: Since the only way I walk the world seemingly normal and
often ahead of the game (appearances and beauty of course!) is through
mimickry of others, I lack an entire database of files to mentally draw on.
I am forced to find and take bits and pieces from a variety of human
sources. These sort of individuals existing in the same place and time as I
am are rare-to say the least.
I found a whole dock full of them at Trident Seafood Corporation. The
problem is, that at the same time, they keep dicking me around with the
permanant employment thing.
sigh.
still rambling.
It's the only way I convey information. I DONT KNOW HOW OTHER PEOPLE CONVEY
INFORMATION.
rambling again.
(Comments)
oh shit what have I done: Fred Dad part 1
posted at 12:05 am on 09-09-2006
I was going to reply seriously, but had to stop to laugh when I got to the
end of your note @ deorderant.
I haven't 'camped' much either. In fact I just plain haven't 'gone out' for
at 'least' 6 years-or ever really. We tried 'a little' bit of archery-ubt
socializing with the group...I don't know how-I'm too worried about who is
going to affect my son and in what bad way. Having everything under control
(granted I can only do this minimally past getting up in the morning) takes
every second, and I'm not quite sure how to do 'social life' ESPECIALLY with
a young youth/teen in the home with a life learning disability to protect
his course to airforce officership. How could I have fun with the
polygamists and potheads eyeing him for membership?? I'm too hyper aware of
cause and effect. And that's a good thing.
My pits... very smelly. Brand 'Sure' has always worked for me. Either
mountain rain or powder fresh.
I'm EXTREMELY depressed right now and don't want to blah blah blah you.
chokes back tears.... do you have a pshycic link or something?
but for the sake of the hope that you are able to decipher this, here is the
attempt to answer:
School? I don't even know how to afford it right now at minimum wage at the
day work day pay place, but I'm trying to figure it out in a societies
language that I don't even speak, and minute by minute forgetting that it's
on my plate as I stumble to clean the house, or manage school papers, or get
to work on time, or remember what else is important, or score a days work to
pay bills I keep frugal, but because I DONT KNOW HOW to organize (getting
better here with auto banking and such)...ect ect. I DONT KNOW HOW to
resume. I DONT KNOW HOW to understand learning to resume. THERE IS NO WAY IN
HELL that I can FUNCTION under interview. IM FUCKED!!!!!!!
And at least I have no one in my life who capitalizes and makes it worse.
It doesn't get worse with age--
I don't know what about the car. It's too complicated for me.
I decided to 'plan?' to throw my hands up and sign up with one of those
'will finance anyone' places for the cheapest new (150$ per month) type cars
and drive it for a while until I can afford a used junker for myself and
then give it to derek who is now of age. something with air bags.
I've been getting by since I was... little, by just working my limbs and
keeping my head down. I really don't know how to live in this world and none
of the people who are supposed to help me ever answer my questions about it,
they think I'm joking or being 'difficult'. Through politeness training I
never say, "Can't you just answer the fucking question!"
(Comments)
What I Believe (an ongoing project)
posted at 07:33 pm on 08-21-2006
I believe it is best to avoid harsh thoughts-but if you have them than not to act on them.
(Comments)
or maybe not
posted at 06:40 pm on 08-21-2006
morning-er after noon. god bless bill and melinda gates, erik laurentz my professor, curran family my professors, and alex plank-genius.--(update) oh! and the other creator I just learned about. Quite simply just fantastic! I will never ceased just to be stunned.
so I'm thinking that it is not a ban for bad behavior but maybe some of the problems I've been having with low memory, automatic updates, laptop running xp without sp2----or something.
but my jaw just dropped-I just found the 'social' articles and read 'getting through how do you do' or something to the.
And the pre discovery anticipation rises....
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Weather Balloon?
posted at 04:39 pm on 08-21-2006
well, I spoke what I thought and now am not able to post reply or quote users on the forum.
I really don't see why.
And into my corner I go...sobbing.
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Watching the Sky
posted at 07:55 am on 08-21-2006
Son says,
"You can burn my shores and boil my sea but you can not take the sky from me!"
I watched the sky from the pool yesterday. First I thought a seagul. Then I thought a plane. But, it wasn't behaving like a plane or a seagul. So then I thought a kite. Man that's a high flying kite. Then I thought of course, high flying debri. I didn't know debri could hover like that. 40,ooo ft-my guess. pretty fucking neat. So what was it? shrugs. huhs. I dunno.....bites neck.
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1
posted at 01:05 am on 08-17-2006
Hi. Thank you for visiting my journal. I will post here. I know i will. Then I will forget .
I already keep blog: http://www.geocities.com/o0oyellowo0o/
for most of my stuff and ramblings--and seriously; I ramble.
Thanks again-and thank you to wrongplanet!
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