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Stupidcat's Blog
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I might be an idiot
posted at 04:53 pm on 01-13-2009
I was telling one of my profs about Asperger's and she gave me the opportunity to get out of all group work for the duration of the class. I told her no because it would be taking the easy way out and I didn't want that.
I'm such an idiot.
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My Fantasy
posted at 02:21 pm on 11-13-2008
Lately I've found myself daydreaming about what it would be like if I were the only person in my whole town. I imagine what kind of fun I'd have if I had the run of everything.
Trips to the store would be in silence cause no one would be around. I'd have the library all to myself and could bring piles and piles of books down from the shelves. I'd have free run of the cafeteria and could make anything I wanted to eat. The dorm house would be mine and it would be quiet unless I decided to turn up some music real loud. Everything would be quiet and still and mine for the taking.
Its a very good daydream and it makes me happy but I wonder if its healthy. I'll have to tell my therapist about it.
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Normal (?) at last
posted at 04:30 pm on 10-06-2008
Ike happened quite a bit ago and I think I'm finally back to normal as far as my schedule goes. I'm still feeling anxious and overwhelmed by my work load but I don't think I can escape that this semester.
I've got two tests and two project due this week and I've been avoiding my work lately. Better get back to it.
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I HATE CHANGE!!
posted at 01:53 pm on 09-23-2008
One week off due to Hurricane Ike has completely ruined my whole routine. I had finally settled into the new semester and now I'm back to not being able to keep it together. I feel like I don't know where I'm supposed to be even when I do. I constantly feel that I should be somewhere else doing something else at all times.
I can barely keep it together long enough to attend class. I dread going and when I do get there I can't focus on the task at hand. All I really want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for a month. I wish I could just skip class but I know I need to get back into the routine. This really sucks.
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Hurricane Ike and other fun
posted at 01:16 pm on 09-19-2008
So Hurricane Ike came blowing through my area. It hit around at 5 am and the winds woke me up. Me and my roommate went downstairs to watch it for a little while. It was pretty wild. The power did go out but only for a few hours. For whatever reason the University was the first place to get power back. I'm glad I live on campus because some people still don't have power.
The president decided to close campus because of the storm so we haven't had class since last Thursday. It was pretty cool at first but after awhile we all started to go a little stir crazy. We were on lock down and had a city wide curfew so we couldn't even go outside until last Monday. Classes don't start until this coming Monday but I still haven't gotten around to doing any of my homework.
There wasn't any serious damage at the University but a really big tree was uprooted. It landed on a light pole and took the whole thing out. It was pretty cool. The University decided to open the library so I'm at work now.
Besides it being freakishly cold in here everything seems like its back to normal. People are still whinny about not being allowed to drink at the computer. Why do they feel that having a bottle of liquid around expensive equipment is a good idea? Eventually someone spills it and gets charged for the replacements.
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Floundering in a Sea of Stupidity
posted at 02:22 pm on 09-04-2008
I'm being forced to do a lot of group work this semester and I'm not at all happy about it. I hate working in groups. I always feel that my intelligence is being hampered by the confines of a group. There isn't a way out or around group work. Its inevitable. Like taxes or death.
The real reason I feel that I'm drowning in stupidity is work. I'm supposed to be supervising a computer lab but its more like a daycare center than anything else. There's the brazen rule breakers, those with separation anxiety, the bullies, the nerves nellys, and of course the smelly kids.
How is no food/drink in the computer lab, don't print more than 20 pages at a time, and keep cell phone usage to a minimum rocket science? We're all in college. Shouldn't we all be able to follow simple and precise directions?
If the stupidity gets any deeper I'm going to need a fun noodle. Or at least some of those water wings.
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Semester Woes
posted at 09:51 pm on 09-01-2008
One week into the fall semester and I still feel like I'm going nuts. I know I shouldn't expect to feel completely at ease but I'm getting really tired of feeling like I'm walking around in a daze.
Fortunately, I've got group and therapy this week so there's an opportunity for me to talk about what's going on. I also have to make a doctor's appointment because I'm almost out of meds. The idea that I have to figure out where to fit a doctor's appointment into my schedule makes me feel sick to my stomach.
*sigh*
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Epic Fail
posted at 01:02 pm on 08-26-2008
Its only day two in the new semester and I'm all ready exhausted. While I was at work all of the computer systems decided to go down at the same time and everything became really hectic as a result. Right before I was going to leave work, I decided to check my class schedule and realized I hadn't written down the room numbers. So I missed my first class today.
I went back to my room to get something to eat and realized I had left my keycard behind and was locked out. I had also forgotten my cell phone so I couldn't call my roommate to let me in.
I haven't slept well a single night since we got back. I keep waking up during the night and now I'm exhausted. Today has Epic Fail written all over it. I should have just stayed in bed.
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Fun with directions
posted at 12:29 am on 08-14-2008
My infant nephew was over at the house today and my mom put him down on the bed so he could go to sleep. She said to just let him cry until he put himself to sleep. So that's what I did.
After a while of crying my mom came into the room and patted him on the back for a while. Then she made a comment about how I could have comforted him.
Hadn't she told me to just leave him be? The world is confusing.
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An Odd Observation
posted at 06:28 pm on 08-12-2008
I went to see The Dark Knight at a midnight release. I would have gone crazy waiting in that horrible line if I hadn't brought my iPod along. Thank God for headphones that block out noise. The movie was absolutely fantastic.
But it did leave me with a lingering questions? Everyone laughed at the Joker, including me, even though he was obviously evil. Did we laugh at something so dark because we were safe in the fact that it was only a movie?
I feel as if I've picked something funny to obese about. I wondering if anyone else felt the same way about it? Why did I laugh at the Joker's actions even though, deep down, I was disturbed by them?
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Wearing a mask
posted at 03:15 pm on 04-30-2007
I recently got a new job working as an assistant for a professor at the university I attend. It’s an office setting but it’s very informal. I’m not very good with people and I don’t find it easy to socialize. But the office that I work at is actually the one for my major and I recognize that this is a unique opportunity to meet people that could help me later. If I hear that a professor is having trouble with a computer I jump right in to save the day. I love working on computers and most people are content to leave you alone while you figure out what’s going on.
Sometimes though people want to talk. I don’t understand “small talk”. I don’t understand it’s purpose, I don’t ever know what to say, and I generally don’t know who to respond to the other person. Over time I’ve developed a way of dealing with it. I memorized questions that people generally ask during “small talk” and repeat them.
Simple stuff like “How long have you been teaching here?” “Where did you graduate?” Its even easier if they have pictures of kids or grandkids in their offices cause people love to go on and on about them without much input from me. Its easy to do because it isn’t me. I’m not the one asking these questions. I’m wearing my “friendly social” mask and reading a script. It always works. People never really see behind it but there is this one lady.
She’s a professor that I don’t have and my work assignments don’t bring me into much contact with her. Occasionally, I do have to talk to her or run into her in the office. She doesn’t react to me the way that people usually do. She doesn’t respond to my social mask. Talking to her makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if she knows its just an act. I wonder if she can see through me. Is my mask imperfect or does she have some special ability? I don’t want people to know I’m different. It makes my work life too difficult. People start asking questions and poking at my personal business.
It bothers me that I can’t figure this one out. If its just this one lady then its okay but what if there are other people out there? People who know that I’m just acting. People who know I’m faking it. What do they mean in the long run?
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Disappointment
posted at 02:49 pm on 04-01-2007
Easter Sunday is coming up really soon. I'm so far from home, about six hours, and I don't have a car because driving is too stressful for me sometimes and I'm broke. A friend of mine from my hometown said that she was going back and I was welcome to go with her. Now she's telling me that she's not going cause she wants to stay with her loser boyfriend. Its not that I can't deal with this. I'm an adult. I can deal with disappointment of not being able to see my family and the anger and the hurt of being dropped by someone I've known for years for a worthless boyfriend in my own way. Which is mostly ignoring it until I convince myself it goes away or pacing in my room for two hours.
The part that makes me really, really, really mad is that I have three younger siblings. They miss me allot and they look forward to seeing me for month before I'll be there even if it is only for a weekend. My friend assured me weeks ago that we'd be going so I told all those kids. Now I have to tell them that I can't and they're going to cry their little eyes out. I can't stand disappointing them. They look up to me and I want them to feel like they can trust me. One of the boys is old enough to understand that this kind of thing happens but the other two kids aren't. And, not only am I going to break their hearts, my mom is going to have to deal with all of it and she works so hard all ready. I hate making more work for her.
I'm so angry and hurt but I can't deal with it. My stomach hurts now and I want to hit something or scream or eat until it goes away but none of that is going to help. I hate hitting anything because it makes me feel too out of control. I can't scream because I'm hypersensative to screams even if they're mine. And everyone knows that overeating won't solve anything. I'll just feel disgusted with myself and depressed later. I can't even yell at her because I can't control myself once I start. I don't often wish that I was "normal" anymore. I haven't really in years. I like who I am and who Asperger's helps me be. But its times like this that I wonder what it might be like to deal with this kinds of things with a neurotypical mind. I wonder if its easier.
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Sometimes I Wonder
posted at 12:42 pm on 03-13-2007
I've been looking at myself allot lately and thinking about things I used to avoid about me. I like having Asperger's. I like that I don't have to make excuses for my behaviors any more. I don't have to lie to myself. I don't care if other people don't get it or don't get me. I just like being me. For the first time in my life I can be. I just wish I'd realized this before 20+ years of self denial.
There is one thing I'd like to change about myself though. I don't want to be so compulsive. It works in some situations like studying but its self destructive. If there were a pill out there to help me ignore my compulsions I would take it in a heart beat.
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