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Tohlagos's Blog
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posted at 09:24 am on 06-21-2008
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I & WP, pt. 4
posted at 09:24 am on 06-21-2008
Well, I still really haven't connected with anyone on here yet. That is ok. I am still really glad for not being openly attacked like the other places I have been to.
There are a few people I would like to get to know better, but I dare not send anyone any emails. I think at this point such an action would be taken the wrong way, even if I only said, "Hi, how are you?" Probably better idea to try and talk into a forum to them, but I have no clue on how to do that without either sounding like a machine, a teacher, or something else I don't want.
I never thought it would be this hard to be human.
Most times that I have posted, I might get a response, but I think I am so used to being on the other boards where I was attacked that I post in a way that it makes it hard to respond. I need to analyze this more.
Like any place else, there are some people here who like to argue. I avoid a few of them like the plague. I see no point in arguing with someone I don't know over a topic that has little value on an internet forum. Just does not seem logical.
I have found a few game threads that I have been participating in. I pace myself in them to avoid burnout. A little bit of fun, so that is good.
I posted a video of myself in the general forum yesterday. It contains different quirks/things that I do. So far I have had two people who can relate to me. That has been awesome! I hope a few more respond. I was at first apprehensive to post it, but I am glad I did now.
I am thinking of starting a wargaming thread. I love to make and run games, so I may find a few here who are interested.
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posted at 01:39 am on 06-09-2008
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I & WP, pt 3.
posted at 01:39 am on 06-09-2008
Well, I am still here. This is good. I am starting to get a feel of patterns, likes and dislikes from certain people on here. I have explored the site overall and have a good idea of which areas see the most traffic. Basically, I have a better understand of this place.
No one has openly (and directly) attacked me yet, so I pleased with that. Not that anyone should for I really have not done anything wrong. Yes, I have stated some of my views on gun ownership, but more in a general sense towards myself and not towards anyone else.
I am beginning to wonder if some of the folks here think I am an NT in aspie clothing. If anywhere, I should probably mention here in my own blog some things now.
I deal with anxiety everyday. Some days are bad, very bad. To the point I blur my visions, feel like I am going to throw up, and many other physical symptoms.
Suicide... I am not ready to talk about that topic.
Violence, anger, hate... brooding within my own darkness.
Depression... I am still learning some of the signs about it so I don't know how to talk about this one yet.
I have tried to avoid all of the above topics. For some reason I feel that talking about them will only inspire them in others. I am not sure where I got this notion, but I feel that if talk about them, my interaction with these topics will hurt others.
Further, I have purposely avoided posting topics. I have done this to ease myself into the forums still. I have some ideas forming that I feel will add to the group, but I need to think some more on all this.
I have decided to post a baby picture of myself in the weeks to come. I am not ready for a recent pic, but I guess so in time.
I have definitely a new pattern of the passive aggressive towards me. It is just like the other groups all over. But, no open attacks this time. Still, I am waiting for someone to label as a "know-it-all." *shrug* I am realizing I can't win and never win. Not that it is important.
I plan on staying here a long time. I still have high hopes that I can make at least one real friend here.
As usual, more to come down the road.
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posted at 01:17 am on 05-28-2008
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I and WP, pt. 2
posted at 01:17 am on 05-28-2008
I have been thinking on a lot of things about WP lately. It can take me some time to have my thought gel. Some have now.
I really do like this place. For the most part people leave me alone and don't attack me, mock me, or make fun of me. They may ignore me, but that is just fine with me. As long as I can play in the same room with the other kids, I will just stay in the corner and do my own thing.
I have been learning who is who here, their likes and dis-likes, and who is friends with whom. It is an interesting ebb and flow of interaction.
One thing that has really stuck me is how honest people are here. I don't see to much falsehood or deceit. I like that. I like that a lot.
Many people here... many... have suffered a lot. Abuse, loss, discrimination, pain... just a form of misery that is like a constant buzzing in the background. I didn't say that last sentence correctly, but that is all that has come to mind right now.
Many of these people are survivors... champions of their personal hell. I wish I could tell some of them that I very much appreciate what they have shared here. I really wish I could... but I am new. If I went and did this now, it could appear for the wrong reasons, and I don't want to take that risk.
Time. I need to give this all more time. In time, those out there that have seen bits and pieces of me so far -and want to see more will, in their own ways, build a picture of me. For those that dislike me, they will as well, and that is a good thing, for as people get used to my style/views/interest, I will no longer be the new guy, but simple, "Oh, that's Tohlagos.... yeah, he does that once in a while... no biggie."
Time is also needed for respect. For respect is earned. Even those that will dislike me, will, in their own way, respect me for I understand that what it means to hate and fear. (There is more to this, but I don't want to talk about it.)
... still... this place is helping me to calm down about life. It is helping me to accept and understand me. It is helping me to move on in my life. IT IS HELPING. Wow... a much needed blessing.
I don't know if anyone is ever going to read this, but I just want to say here in my own blog (i.e my own little corner of WP), "Hello." :)
I do that because regardless of who you are, you still deserve to be treated fairly and humanly. This place is helping me to remember, repair, and replace those things inside of me that I used to call beautiful.
I want to live again. I am living again. I will live again.
Thank you WP.
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posted at 10:51 pm on 05-20-2008
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I and WP, pt. 1
posted at 10:51 pm on 05-20-2008
After thinking for over two weeks, I have decided to keep a journal/diary of sorts (use that loosely please) on here on various things. This may be a one time deal, or may be one of many. I don't know.
First, I must add that I have been active here now about a month. That month has brought some good things.
1) After reading many peoples situations. I feel much better about myself. I have a lot of answers to things about myself. I am beginning to understand who I really am (on certain things) and what my role is in life. This is so refreshing!
2) I have not connected yet with anyone here more than a casual glance, but at least I am not being openly attacked. That is a very welcomed change.
3) There are a few more points, but they have not "finalized" in my mind yet to post.
Now, on the flip side, I am starting to see certain behaviors. I promised myself when I started posting here not to hide me. I am used to that to survive, that... well... "bad habits" are hard to break. The part I am mainly referring to is my intellect. I do not understand why people feel threaten by it and/or think it is a negative thing. It was not like I bough it, or stole it, or traded for it. It is just who I am. But, I must keep in mind that though this website is for people that really suffer from the very things I have struggled with all my life, they are still people and that means many things that I have to keep in mind.
Already I am seeing passive-aggressive behavior towards myself. Again, a pattern is forming -just like the other places. I hope this time to be better prepared when the p-a turns into more aggressive behavior.
Like I posted in my very first post, all I hope is to make one really good friend here. I still have hope in that.
More to follow later...
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posted at 01:54 am on 05-04-2008
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A little about myself.
posted at 01:54 am on 05-04-2008
Howdy,
After posting in one of the threads about myself, I decided to write a blog with more detail.
Again, like the first post, I will list things more like a check list (at least from my point of view) to help me say what I want to say.
I am originally from Maryland. I left there in the 1980's.
I served in the Air Force during the first Gulf War. I was a munitions specialist and worked with all sorts of explosives. I stayed in Florida my entire enlistment and got out after one tour to go to college.
An interesting thing about me, while I was in the AF, most of the other enlisted guys spent their time and money on alcohol. I spent my time and money on books. Friday night I was either studying tank warfare or down at the beach alone.
College... overall I didn't like it. I am not a butt kisser and some of the professors there expected it and my grades showed it. I also have a decent head on my shoulders: some professor liked teaching me and see me learn, others resented my intelligence and my grades showed it.
I almost failed out of college twice (Nearly two semesters I had straight D's.) Once because of a very emotionally draining relationship, and the other for taking to many hard classes at once (Organic Chemistry, Calculus, and Physics). I did graduate college, but my GPA is crap -but I don't care, for I did graduate.
I was a Chemistry major for almost 4 years. I thought I wanted a science degree, but it turned out not to be true. I was not happy. I love history and did very well in that, so I went to that for a major. I did get a minor in chemistry.
After college, life was not to much fun. I had a hard time finding work and I didn't know what kind of job I would like. I worked some part-time jobs for a bit. I started writing this time and thought I might like to be writer, but 10 years later and I only have a few dozen poems and about 70 pages of a book done. I haven't given up on the writing, but, well... I think I need to understand myself better first.
I currently work as a seed analyst. It is an interesting, or at least was for the fist two years. Looking at seeds through a microscope is ok... but not my first choice. I am looking for a new job. There is a lot of favoritism and corruption where I work, and that drives me nuts.
I love science fiction, fantasy, music, computer games, military history, and science topics.
I am a conservative. I am a gun owner. I do believe capital punishment has its place. I believe in private land ownership. I also believe everyone has the right to eat. Big business do use and abuse people and the environment. If owning stock in some of these companies makes me a hypocrite, then I am one.
I own stock and other things because I do not fit in at my job. I have realized that if I want to have a good retirement, then I need to be pro-active and take care of it myself. I understand how to invest, so I might as well use what I know. Being introverted and not having good social skills don't effect trading stocks over a computer. I am glad for that. If you have not prepared for your own retirement, please consider it if you can. I can't stress that enough.
I have a few friends, but none are close. Some understand parts of me, but not the whole. I see some of them about 1-3x a month. Some once every 6 months. It works.
I spend a lot of time alone thinking. I love to think. I love to daydream. I need to do it to feel right and whole inside. It helps to energize me.
I have a fondness for plants and animals. They are kind to me. They like me. They don't try to steal from me or hurt me. A few people have and it makes me kinda apprehensive to trust.
Though I do have trust issues, I, even at 37, still have hope that I will marry and have family. Time of course will tell.
I am Christian, non-denominational. This is very important to me. I am also very private about it. If you said to me something offensive about it, well fine, that is what you want. I know where I stand with being a Christian and there is nothing any human can do to change it. If you are not Christian, that is cool. One of my closer friends is not Christian and actually follows part of the Norse pantheon.
I like pizza. I eat it a lot. I like hamburgers. I eat a lot of them too. I like vegetables and fruits and eat a lot of them too. OK, I will just say I like food. :P
If you meet me in person, I have been told at times part of my personality is like Eeyore, Spock, or The Terminator. *shrug* I have at least a mild form of AS, what should you expect?
Speaking (typing) of AS .... I have not been formally diagnosed with it. I have been reading about it and from the data I have seen and compared to my life, if I don't have it then what the heck do I have?!?!
Coming to Wrong Planet has been a godsend for me. I feel normal here. I feel right here. Reading what other go through has been uplifting and has helped me not punish myself over things that until recently, I thought I was "just not good enough at."
Women. I might as well mention something here. I am only interested in females for a relationship. Looks don't matter to much to me. Attitude does. I have learned that if I can't be friends first, nothing will work. I am not looking for some short fling (i.e. using someone), but rather something more permanent. I do like the "plain janes," nerds are cool, and I must say girls with glasses are sexy!
O.K., that is enough for now. If you have a question feel free to PM me.
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posted at 09:40 pm on 04-27-2008
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Why I think I am an Aspie.
posted at 09:40 pm on 04-27-2008
Why I think I am an “Aspie.”
Until recently, I had only heard of Asperger’s Syndrome and really didn’t know anything about it. On advice from my sister and a short article she sent me a little over a month ago, I began researching it. Quickly, I realized what I was reading about it was almost a description of my life.
Now, I have not been to a professional to be diagnosed. That is where this blog comes into play. I may (or may not) seek professional testing, but communicating to people who are diagnosed with it may be more beneficial to me at this point in my life. So, if you don’t mind, would you take a look over my list and let me know what you think.
Thank you in advance for your time and feedback.
Below are things that have transpired in my life, and after doing research into AS recently I feel give strong evidence for myself having the condition, even if only a mild case.
1. I am a strong introvert. I can go weeks without talking to anyone and I am content with that. I usually only go days, but longer would be fine.
2. I daydream all the time –all the time. I day dream about complex things such as picturing the air currents at 3000 feet above a mountain and how they move in three dimensions and move the clouds.
3. I rarely remember my dreams at night, but when I do they are very intense. I can hear things, see them, sometimes feel them (such as a rock in my hand), and very rarely smell or taste.
4. In a social setting, I am usually nervous and anxious to leave to a more secluded spot. I do not introduce myself to strangers and usually avoid people I have meet before. It is all very tiresome.
5. I can’t stand small talk. I do not understand it. I have no clue what to say or how to say it. It is very annoying to have to stand there and listen to it.
6. When someone asks me how I am, I sometimes just stand there and have no clue what to say. The question is to basic for me.
7. I get and handle the large/complex/difficult things fine. The small/easy stuff usually annoys me and I don’t know how to handle some of it, or I need to stand there in deep thought for some time to attempt to handle something “easy.”
8. In conversation I have learned that I give way to much information and bore those listening to me. Sometimes they think I am trying to show off, which is not the case.
9. I don’t get flirting. It does not make logical sense. A few lines or gestures/body movements I have done is only because I have watched others and mimicked them.
10. I am brutally honest. I see things black and white.
11. My balance is so-so. I can be butterfingers. I bump into things all the time. If I have to do something that requires good hand-eye coordination or balance, I will go extra slow and move almost like a machine to achieve success.
12. What I would do for a full nights sleep! I usually get only 4-6. I do take some sleep aids, but have had limited success.
13. I have lots of allergies.
14. I am very sensitive to temperature changes. At work if they leave a window or door cracked open, I can feel the difference and it is annoying.
15. I hate being interrupted when I am in the middle of something. It breaks my concentration and I have to start all over again sometimes.
16. I laugh at things few others do, and I usually don’t laugh when others do.
17. If I see, say a line of boxes or books, or whatever, and one is not flush with the rest, I will go over and re-aligned it with the rest.
18. The few relationships I have had with women have been stressful, high anxiety, and not really much fun. I have learned though that I have made some bad choices and remain optimistic for a future (and successful) relationship.
19. I don’t like being touched except when I am prepared for it and you have permission. Men touching me really bother me for they are gruff in their movements.
20. Stims! So that is what you call those things. lol I may make a video for WP to show what I do. It would be easier than typing it out.
21. I took the aspie test available at http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php. I scored 186 out of 200 for AS and about 16 for NT.
22. I love making contingence plans... for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It is fun.
23. If I could I would wear black, baggie cloths that feel comfortable all the time I would. I understand the view of people and do have nice clothes with ties and many different colors for social/work situations however. At home though, comfort all the way.
24. I could eat pizza everyday for days on end. Sometime… other times I get tired of it.
25. I listen to the same song over and over. I might listen to it 25-30 times before I tire of it. No big deal to me. Having that expected and regulated back ground noise helps me to focus on thinking.
26. Unless I am excited I have to force myself to smile for a picture. If I don’t it looks like I am glaring or emotionless at the camera.
27. I need either a fan or ear plugs when I sleep, otherwise I will not fall asleep and my mind will want to figure out every noise it hears.
28. Sports are boring to watch. I do not understand the logic behind that form of entertainment.
29. Bars, clubs, etc. make me feel very uncomfortable and high anxiety. To much noise, commotion, lights, and people. I avoid them like the plague.
There is more info, but I think that is enough for now. PM me if you have questions.
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