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How To Impress The Ladies…Aspie Style
posted at 12:50 pm on 05-23-2008
Don’t look her in the eyes and then tell her how beautiful you think she might be if only you could look directly at her long enough to make a proper assessment of her beauty.
When you talk to her, make sure to have spells of long, dramatic silences followed by spats of incoherent psychobabble about your primary obsession.
Bathe infrequently enough to give off that natural scent.
Wear loose, oversized clothing that leave everything to the imagination.
Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll be sure to impress the ladies...Aspie style.
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Life And How To Live It
posted at 01:12 pm on 05-22-2008
First off, never let the judgments of others influence the way you think of yourself.
Be true to yourself, but don’t be afraid of change.
Now matter how much you disagree with someone else’s opinions and/or beliefs, show respect for them to be an individual so long as they afford you the same. If not, all bets are off.
Be mindful of your influence on others and avoid conflicts with their individual rights.
Respect Mother Earth and reduce the footprint you leave behind.
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Why I Can Never Be A Vegetarian
posted at 05:22 pm on 05-21-2008
When I was five years old I was attacked by a male turkey on my Grandfather’s farm. I ran into the barn and climbed into the back of his pick-up truck and screamed for dear life as the turkey tried to jump up into the truck bed to devour me. My Father and Grandfather finally showed up and chased off the turkey. From that experience I learned that one animal will always be okay to eat…turkey. I’ll fight for animal rights, but not for turkeys. I respect and envy Vegetarians, but can never be one myself.
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Quitting Society
posted at 02:15 pm on 05-21-2008
It is not easy to explain to those that do not have Asperger’s Syndrome just how difficult it can be to deal with its sensory manifestations. For me, light sensitivity is the biggest sensory issue. Any amount of light is discomforting, leading to headaches and sometimes dizziness. The best way to describe it is to tell you to attach a flashlight to your forehead such that it is pointing between your eyes. Now that you are struggling to see, try being nauseated by most smells, to the point of your eyes burning. Just for kicks, imagine your skin is crawling all the time. The slightest touch setting off an uncomfortable rush of sensations throughout your body. Kind of a mix of goose-bumps, with the creepy-crawlies and heebee-geebees thrown in. It makes you want to run away and shake your body violently until it goes away. But that is not it. As if you weren’t overloaded already, high-pitched and repetitive sounds make you want to scream. At times, it takes every ounce of self-control not to howl in terror at such noise. To top it all off, you’re probably very sensitive to the taste and textures of foods, making you an extremely picky eater. “Go ahead Johnny, just try it!” So you hang out with some “normal” people and you end up spending all of your time focusing on your sensory issues, trying not to let them show for fear of being too “weird”. You can’t look others in the eyes, which people tend to notice after a short time. We haven’t even gotten to the social awkwardness. Everyone else is chatting about the monotonous and mundane and you haven’t a single word to add into the discussion until you hear a reference to one of your “interests”. Now you cannot shut up, and everyone else is looking for a sharp object to jab into their ears. It’s no wonder most Aspies find out they are better off alone and avoid social interaction altogether. Not having control over the physical environment can be completely overwhelming to an Aspie. As we find simple ways to adapt to the environment, like wearing a hat and sunglasses, we end up being ostracized for not adhering to social norms. You know, those outdated rules with no logical basis for following them other than someone ages ago said wearing a hat indoors is not socially acceptable. I won’t do it anymore. Screw the rules! If I am not going to be accepted for who I am, then I don’t want to be a part of your society.
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Busting A Gut, Laughing On The Inside
posted at 08:17 am on 05-22-2007
Humor is a funny thing, or so they would have you believe. Throughout my years I have always found solace in humor. Whether a hilarious show on the boob tube, the funnies in the paper, or some random joke overheard on the train while commuting to work…laughter can cure many things. But when you have trouble showing emotions, including laughter, what do you do when you need that relief, that sweet remedy to what ails you?
Busting a gut, laughing on the inside. I don’t always show my amusement outwardly. In fact, not very often. There are some things that will set me off. The comedy of Mitch Hedberg, Dane Cook, Lewis Black, and George Carlin can make me slap my knees like a hillbilly sitting in his rocking chair on the porch of his little shanty on the side of a West Virginia mountain as he listens to a banjo and washboard duet. The Colbert Report is a pretty sweet elixir. South Park, when it’s not too disgusting, can split my sides in two. Family Guy can do the same. But there are many other humorous things that I easily recognize as funny, but with no outward sign of my obvious internal amusement. I’ve been told that this is disturbing to some people. If I’m in need of a good laugh, a pure and unadulterated physical reaction, I have to turn to the sure things. Regular comedy just won’t do.
I fancied myself to be a bit of a comedian back in the day. One of my favorites was in Middle School when a classmate tripped me as I was walking back to my desk. I fell face first into my desk and then down to the floor. I didn’t move. I even held my breath. The teacher panicked and ran to my side. I was laughing so hard inside, but I knew I had to hold it a little longer. Thirty seconds? Was that enough? No…it would have to be forty-five. Then, with no warning, I released a little chuckle, slowly building it up into a breath-stealing laughter that almost choked the life out of me. I’ll never forget that day. Pretty funny stuff…huh?
I no longer do the classroom bits. Too much pressure. Plus, security won’t let me into public schools. Something about not being a student there anymore. These days I stick to the baby circuit. Funny faces and zerberts are my game now. Much easier crowd too. The laughter of a child is a sure thing. I added that one to my list. Too bad society frowns upon randomly zerberting strange babies. I could be more famous than The Wiggles. Sorry babies! Laughter should not be suppressed like this. I guess I could call my Congressman and get some laws passed.
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I Wear My Sunglasses At Night
posted at 10:49 pm on 05-21-2007
No…my name is not Corey Hart. I recently discovered that there was a reason for why I always felt the need to wear my sunglasses and baseball cap indoors, despite society’s complaints. For years I was questioning myself in my own mind, wondering if I was the insensitive jerk that many were quick to label me as. It turns out my brain is wired in a way that causes light, especially in front of or above me, to irritate my eyes and trigger headaches.
High school was bad enough without the ridiculous rules. We weren’t aloud to wear shorts…they’d send you home. A baseball cap was a punishable offense. Forget sunglasses. Yet somehow between classes, hundreds of kids could smoke outside without fear of retribution. None of whom were even of age to buy or use tobacco. The administration just didn’t have the resources to enforce the law, but oh their rules. My team is in the Super Bowl, so I come to school with a jersey and a classic ’80s helmet cap the Friday before the game. A fashion statement for sure. On my way to my locker to put the cap away before homeroom started, I was nailed. The Vice Principal spots me from across the hallway and the chase was on. With the most overcrowded school in the history of the state, I was able to get away that day, ducking behind some football players.
When I reached college, I finally had some control over my environment. Still unaware of why I was so sensitive to light, I was able to, for the most part, go on with my everyday life wearing my sunglasses and baseball cap. This was college, a sanctuary for the eclectic. Non-conformity was the way of the conformists. Eccentricity was your ticket to being cool. Working in the lab or late at night on the computer debugging that program kept me in the dark. From The U, to The Ville, and finally The University, nine years of relative control had passed.
Then the bottom fell out. Not all at once, but over time. I was a well-paid professional and things were expected of me. The headaches were numerous. Eye exams and CT Scans found nothing wrong with my eyes or head. Then one day I took the chair in my office and placed it under the fluorescent lights and stepped onto it. I opened up the light fixture and twisted each of the lights just enough to remove the cursed electrical connection that was fueling my pain. That day was a pinnacle moment in my life. One small step onto an office chair became one giant leap into self-realization. With the lights out, the headaches went away. After weeks of secretly battling with the maintenance guy, who would reconnect the lights every few days, I finally tracked him down and explained it was not some bizarre anomaly. He agreed to leave them be and I finally had some control again.
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