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posted at 10:41 pm on 07-24-2007
I shouldnt do this
posted at 10:41 pm on 07-24-2007
I shouldhn't do this right now. I'm drunk. No reason, I'l tell ya more later. gb for now, listen to radio head, it'll make you, not care.
My first blog here! (brain enema, watch your step)
posted at 07:34 pm on 07-19-2007
I've decided to start blogging here. I feel i can be more honest here (not on myspace or livejournal, too many people who know me read that, as in everyone i know). I don't know or care too much if anyone reads this, but if you do, and feel like replying, feel free. Sorry in advanced if i dont reply also, i'm kinda touch and go when it comes to that, especially if i dont know what to say.
So anyways, have headadche today. I just wanna cover my eyes and lay down because i stare at a computer screen non stop every day (used for my job and for school). That hangover yesterday didn't help either. I'm kind of an on-and-off alcaholic. I can go 3 days without drinking, then down a 6 pack/pint within 2 hours.
so, a little about me. I've been in college for 6 years now, and have only a 2 year degree to show for it, working on my bachelors, and expecting to obtain that after the world ends. Although I've not been simply wasting time, it took me 3 years to get hte 2 year degree, i changed majors about 3 times too (graphic arts, to architecture, now to computer engineering). I did work on and off since highschool as well. I live in an apartment by myself an hour away from the home of my parents. My mom pays for my rent and I pay all the other bills. I usually dress in all black because that's all I ever feel "comfortable" in. I also like to keep my skin covered, no leg/cleavage/stomache showing, ever.
I feel very nervous in my current situation because I dont make enough money to make it on my own, and If I can't find another job by December, I'll probably have to move back home (because the money runs out). This whole, moving away to the expensive college idea wasnt really mine anyways, although my mom claims it was because she never wants to take responsibility for any of her decisions. She seems to get a kick out of manipulating me too. What I really wanted to do was enter into a certification program that would have been the fraction of the cost of this school.
Also, i have no friends in my new area. I could have joined a school group in the fall, but I was taking classes full time and I didn't even try because I was afraid that any thing like that would be a distraction to my schoolwork (people have a tendency to not care what it is i'm doing and like to interrupt me and waste my time). So come Summer semester I decide it would be nice to come out of solitary confinement, but none of the groups meet during the summer. I'm too scared to meet people from the internet in person (paranoia), and bars/clubs are impossible. In a bar the only thing i can do is drink, I dont dance (i never feel like i'm doing it right and i've never had instruction), I can't tell what people are saying because it's too loud, infact, it's just too loud for anything (hurts my ears). I feel like bringing up said problems with meeting people to someone, looking for some help, that all they can say is "this way or the highway". There is no middle ground. There is no place to go where meeting people isnt about 1 night stands and loudness and drama. Where it might be about mutual interest. Plus, at bars, I drink. Thats bad, because i'm by myself, which also means i'm driving. So I don't go to bars anymore.
I have friends where I used to live. I don't have any close friends anymore. One person I really liked never ever calls me. Plus he lives with these people who make me feel totally unwanted whenever I go to visit him. I can never tell if he wants anything to do with me anymore. So I dont call him. I dont need to feel like that, he's not worth the effort if i'm not worth the effort to him. My other close friend lives even further away, so we never get to hang out. Which bumms me out. I like hanging out.
Most activities I like to do are solitary by nature. Drawing, Computer hacking, Computer fixing, etc...
Some things I like to do with more than one person are some online games, that none of my friends play. I guess i'm just doomed to be alone.
Yet I tend to forget, that being around people at parties, events, other jobs i've had,... really drives me nuts.
My family growing up was kinda loud too, especially my brother. I didn't talk until I was 4, and for years (until 18 I believe) I was incredibly quiet. My family didn't help much, with interrupting me when I was trying to speak, never letting me in on a conversation. I remember being very frustrated with them and their insensitivity. To this day it irritates me like hell when I have to repeat myself to them becasue they weren't listening to me.
more about my family: I could complain about them forever.
My father was very cold and distant. He and my mother got a divorce when I was 8. It wasn't like the stereotypical divorce where the parents are fighting and the kid's feel guilty. He just decided that Halloween night back in 1993 that he didn't love my mom anymore. He'd also been cheating on her, and when he left, he took $1,000 out of the bank account and didn't see me and my brother for a year. After that, probably with the pressure from my mother, he saw us the minimum once every 2 weeks until 18 or whatever. He's now a Jehova's witness and married to someone of the same faith. He never wanted kids, but i'll get to that later...
My brother, 3 years older than I, was diagnosed ADD and "Oppositional Defiant" (whatever that bullcrap is). He was the loudest in our small family. He abused me growing up (physically and emotionally). He would never leave me alone. He had to have control of everything. He would tell me that I didn't have friends in school because I was a whiner. He would also tell me that I was emotional and not logical because I was female, and that I was weak. He would also end up getting mad at me EVERY DAY for some reason or another, and either chase me into my room (where I had a lock on the door) or beat me up if he caught me. If I made it to my room he would still stay outside of there trying to knock the door down, banging on it. I remember the only thing I could do against him was to scream in as loud and as high pitch a noise I could. Sure the neighbors could hear, but they didn't care (because we weren't in their church, another story entirely). My brother was like a juggernaut back then, and all i was ever told was that this was normal, and this is how big brothers are supposed to act. Infact, this is what my mom told me, who i'll get to in a second here. Now me and my brother get along, because I kinda pitty him. He's in worse shape than I, because he can't keep a job, and he makes friends with the worst people (like people who end up stealing and trashing his car).
My mom. I don't know where to begin with her. My biggest irritation with her is that I could never, and still can't communicate with her. She either (a) doesnt hear me (b) doesnt get what i'm saying (c) doesnt see any importance in my point of view or input (d) will be instantly defensive to even the slightest critisizm. I have so much pent up rage against her. Let me tell you about her...
Growing up I always loved my mom. In arguments between me and my brother, she would usually take my side (becasue i'm not the one hitting i guess). She knew my brother has ADD, but she would still scream and lament how terrible he was (not cleaning his room, forgetting numerous little things, like turing off lights and locking doors, not doing chores/homework). She never tried to work with him, she just wanted to feed him pills and force him to be normal. The lesson to me was "dont be like your brother, he's wierd and sick". When the divorce happened, obviously my mom got depressed. I remember her crying a lot. She would talk about my father being a "Beardo Weirdo" and just being an awful person ("dont be like your father, he's weird and he's sick!"). Sometimes when she was mad at me, for being whatever way I was, she would tell me I was like him in some way. She also was always encouraging me to make friends at school, even though the kid's at school were pretty worthless people to begin with. I did get made fun of in school a lot too. My mother was a very critical person, she would always be calling someone weird for reasons I couldn't grasp back then. My mom got married to her current husband in 1995, and after a few years she became unhappy with him. She still is. My role to her while still living with her was to be her buffer. She would tell me just about everything that went on between her and him, and she would tell me that I was her best friend, maybe her only friend. I could never tell her if she had done something wrong. If I ever needed to talk to her about my problems "I was complaining too much". She took me to a psychotherapist and insisted I get put on prozac. The therapist was a flake, and I think i did nothing but hide myself from her. It's not like I had the words to explain myself back then anyways. I ended up giving up prozac and the therapy, because It was nothing but a control mechanism of hers. A punishment for having any issue with her. She would never see a therapist herself, oh no.
I dont know if i'm doing this effectivly, but the picture i'm trying to paint here is how self centered my mom was. She could never take critisism, my being able to communicate at all was of no importance to her because it didnt suit her needs. She never took control of the situation with my brother.
I forgot to mention that she lied to my father about being on birth control, because she knew he didnt want kids.
my mom has grown up alittle since i've been around, but I still hate her guts now more than ever, now that i'm not living there and I can take a step back and look at everyting that's happened. She has made me feel nothing but ashamed of myself. I can never talk to her about any issues i might be facing either because she'll only make me feel worse. She refuses to understand the kind of person I am, and I think i can say, that because she's in love with some fantasy version of me, that she doesn't even really love the real me.
The real me, who's too much like her ex husband, who's alittle too butch, who's too unfeeling, who wont deliver any grandchildren so she can keep up with her older sister (my aunt, who's now a grandma).
My mother is a superfical bitch. I wish I had been born to a family of people more like myself. Both my parents are of mediocre intellect, my brother is kindof a douchebag, and most of the people in RL i meet are also douchebag's (as in, like to be loud, go to clubs, talk fluff, never do anything i'm into or want to do, and seem to have an endless list of lovers, never have anything interesting to say).
But I guess I can be a jerk too, or mabey i'd just like to be.