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posted at 09:13 am on 07-01-2007
Thoughts from the day
posted at 09:13 am on 07-01-2007
Figure I'll try the blog today and get a few things out of my head.
I've reading a lot of stuff online about AS, seen a few videos and have a book on the way now for me to go through. I've been learning a lot the past week about AS and how it and other people's experiences parallel my existence. It explains a lot of why I do the things I do. Why I did things the way I did way back when I younger.
Like today at work I paid attention to things around me and what i did and why I did them.
My managers usually let me do my own thing which is fine by me. They were in the office most of the day gossiping and every now and then I'd pop in with question. Of course I'd try to listen in to the conversations to see if I can make sense of any of it. Not really. It's just a lot of in-jokes stuff that I don't get. I don't know how to add to any of it so I never bother. Sometimes jokes are made in my direction(nothing malicious mind you) and it does take me a moment to realize the joke and laugh along with it. Although sometimes I laugh a bit just out of reaction to a perceived joke(I don't why i do that, I guess to just not seem like a robot even if I miss the joke entirely).
Saturdays are my long shift and on the long shifts I take the time to fix up the paintbrushes. I probably got like 500 different paintbrushes, each with own little spot and i just start at one end. Grab one pile, check the brush heads for uniformity, then check the numbers on the handles, pull out the ones that don't belong, put the right ones back. Rinse, repeat. I must be only person at work who does this as I've never seen anyone else work on the paintbrushes. I tend to just zone out while doing them and get lost in my thoughts. If done with that, I got a wall of craft paint and wooden letters to indulge myself in. I guess i do find it rather easy and pleasing to arrange these things. I haven't really thought about before as to why but I've read that autistics to seem to have a habit of arranging masses of things. I did this also with loose change and legos when I was kid. I remember sorting through a bucket of legos as a kid as separting the pieces into piles of colors and part shape. I'd do the same with all the coins I had in my piggy bank(actually I did that a lot). One time I took all the pennies I had, which is quite a lot and sorted all of them by year; that was fun I recall. All of it for no real reason other than entertainment I suppose.
Someone else happened to do wooden letters today i took note of how they seemed so sluggish while doing it. It usually takes me about 30 minutes to do letters but today's person took about 3 hours. I mean the alpha bet is not that hard is it? Of course they probably stopped a few times to chit chat so maybe their total labor was more like an hour to be fair.
Oh, I don't chit chat that much at work. Last year I made a lot of effort to be open and sociable with many different people. It was hard work. However I don't think any of it really paid off for me. Made things easier for the moment I guess but people still didn't want to to know me outside work. Most of said people are gone now and it's new crew. I still smile, say hello, listen, make a little of chat, appear approachable. That's about all I'm comfortable mustering now.
Of course workers have their own chats and sometimes I drop by to listen and pretend to be part of the group. I caught myself doing rather amusing today. People were talking about amusing situations and I found myself repeating their words to myself as if I were the one saying them. Of course no one hears it since I kind of mumble it to myself but I stopped myself and thought about it. I do kind of do that sometimes and I don't know why. Then I thought, Is this what echolia is? I'm not really sure. I didn't think before that i did anything like that.
Break time... I spaced out. That was what i did on my break. Well I had a powerbar too... I was hungry. I don't space out all the time on breaks, just then. I usually read the news on my phone on break.
I got to thinking about the body language thing at some point. I've read a lot about it from here and from social anxiety sites. When I think about it, I don't really know what it is that I am supposed to be looking for. I need it to be obvious for me to take notice. Subtle body language I just don't see. I know it's an important thing in socialization but it a lot to think about in the middle of talking with someone and I just don't notice. I don't understand why it is so important. But isn't that part of the problem? Not understanding it? I can look people in the eyes, from a long time of forcing myself and getting used to it. Can't say I like doing it, but I do it appear normal and not make anyone suspicious of me.
Anyway, I better stop and go to sleep. I'm telling myself to think about something else tomorrow. See if that works. Ha.
Well I can't post yet since I keep that screen that says the server is busy when I try to post. So, yeah... I ordered a book on AS, the Tony Attwood one. It sounds like to have a decent section dealing with adult issues which is more of what I'm looking for in AS books right now. I had looked at my libraries in the area and they have some books, but they're all explaining stuff to parents and teachers about kids with AS. Nothing that deals with adult issues. I thought that was disappointing and looked online. There were more books at Borders though, but I'd rather buy one of these online than from there. Actually I was lucky I decided on that course of action since I noticed one of my old managers from previously hated job is now working there at the front and if had decided to buy, I would have gone right to her with it. I didn't want to be in that situation so I was lucky then.
Anyway, what i want to do with he book is to go through it and highlight important and note in the margins of how this or that applies to me, shared experiences, events, thought processes. I know and remember a lot of things that correlate with things I've read here and on other sites but I want to get it all together in one place for comparison. This way, for when I do go see someone I have all my information together and can make my case.
Yeah, well i still can't post yet. I'll just leave it til morning.
I don't like having to bother with html indents. Is too much to ask that it just posts the way I type it? :/