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posted at 01:20 pm on 08-04-2011
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Interview crazy
posted at 01:18 pm on 08-04-2011
Aspies can be said to behave in an alien way sometimes. I think this is worst at interview with me and compounded by depression and anxiety.
Stage 0-the application
I fill in a great application. I have a good interview/application success rate. I painstakingly perfect each sentence and go through each point that they have asked for in the job description. I again marvel at the skills that I have forgotten I have and think how good I sound on paper. I avoid thinking about the horror that is interview. After a few drafts and when in a relatively positive mood I press send. I can always turn down the interview, or maybe it will be different this time?
Stage 1-invitation to interview
This is where the panic sets in and I stop sleeping properly. If I receive a letter weeks in advance this is when it begins. I start obsessing about how I am underemployed and how this is my way out. I become paralysed and can't get motivated to prepare as feel hopeless. I decide I am clever enough to "wing" it.
Stage 2-before the interview
I wake with terrible indigestion. I allow loads of time, but my timekeeping, map reading and skills getting myself there go out the window. It is like I become out of synch with the world. I've been late twice. 1. I missed my stop on a bus then wondered round in the rain for 30-40 minutes with a map struggling to find the road. I had to phone 5 minutes before I was due to ask for help even though I could by that point see the road but could not physically get to it! 2. I rushed in exactly on time by running. I had ages so sat around before getting changed. I took ages over this as move more slowly when overwhelmed. I then remembered the lifts take ages and it was a busy time and I had not factored this in so had to run down the road in a suit and high heels which I was not meant to run in which gave me blisters. Due to stubbornness that I would work for half a day and couldn't wear a suit in case the secret got out across the hospital that I was interviewing I turned up with a giant carrier bag of stuff from getting changed, which I presented to reception on my arrival.
Stage 3-the interview
I turn up sweating profusely. I wow the panel with my social skills (I wish). I feel it has not gone well but there is nothing specific I can point to, just a sense of uneasiness and awkwardness about my relationship with the interviewers following the interview. I also get the feeling that although I have answered the questions I have not talked about the things they are looking for and that if someone could translate it would all be OK. I micro-analyse everything e.g. the receptionist could be passing on information to the interviewers so I am on my guard. Sadly by the time I meet the people actually influencing the decisions I am overwhelmed and barely exchange words. I once was at a networking part of an interview where I got locked in a conversation with the most junior person there and could not end the conversation even though I was trying and did not speak to the senior person once. In the same interview I was told my talk was not pitched at the right level. I did a PhD level talk but dumbed down as my audience were not specialists i.e. clinical not pure science like me. With hindsight maybe I had the wrong talk for a medical audience. I could have taken one of their topics but then would have been at a disadvantage as a non-medic. But then they asked me to interview and knew my background. I can't help but think this was down to a misunderstanding rather than a poor talk. This was a bad interview. I felt part way through I was out of my depth and horrified by the idea of their sports day. They gave constructive feedback that said that every area was "poor" and picked on my communication skills. I cried and cried as my communication skills were not something I could drastically change and are a part of me. I still get a cold shiver about 2-3 years on. I also got annoyed as a) I had to ask for feedback as had not heard back after 3 weeks and they said 2. The date on the letter was the day after the interview so they had obviously decided then and let me suffer for 3 weeks for no reason. The woman on the phone had signed a letter to me but I was that unimportant she did not know who I was or could not even politely fake until she looked at her records. I still contest that the feedback was "constructive" as telling someone areas are "poor" without saying why is not constructive and it annoys me just as much as the resulting decision.
Stage 4-after the interview
This consists of sleepless nights as I dwell on how interviews are unfair to someone with social issues and depression on how I will be stuck in a menial temp job forever. This is also when I notice some of my faux pas. One was waking up in the middle of the night to realise how I had misinterpreted a question.
Stage 5-the decision
Heaven help the poor person breaking news over the phone that I have not got the job. This is where I tend to argue a) as I am upset and b) want to correct them. It's wrong but there is an easy and hard way to talk to people and sometimes I choose the hard way just to wind people up as I am annoyed. There are things that it is easier not to say that don't add to the main argument but that cause NT people to talk to you for 10 minutes trying to unravel things. Someone said to me a relative dying might have affected my performance. It was fresh in my mind and decided what a good idea it would be to say this when I got the decision phonecall. After all surely they would want to know all the facts even at this point-they may reinterpret everything and give me the job if the other person falls through! Talking about b) I still remember being told I had got a question wrong on a test as I had the wrong number of decimal places-I had rounded and didn't have the value they had so was wrong and they were patronising/confused. I bit my tongue to avoid an argument. I am still bitter as I know that I gave a better answer as the answer only made sense to 2 d.p. because of inaccuracies-you couldn't possibly measure any more accurately.
Stage 6-the aftermath
This consists of more wallowing about misfortune and the unfairness of the interview situation and feelings of not wanting to apply due to the pain of the process. I may at this stage try applying and pretending to ignore the possibility of interview. After all that would be traumatic-right?Sorry. Clickable links are not allowed in blog entries until you've been a member for 5 days.
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