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Dawndeleon's Blog
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a matter of compassion.
posted at 07:45 pm on 02-05-2008
I voted today and the church that hosted the ballot has a stray cat. Every time a person opens the door to the church he comes in. Every time, he comes in someone in the church puts him out. He purred when i picked him up and set him outside. I looked into his olive eyes and saw that he had an infection in one of them. It moved me to tears. I dont have the money to take a cat to the vet that doesnt belong to me and it seems like he was a nuisance to the voting office. I didnt see a nuisance, i saw a cat that was cold and wanted to come in for a while. I guess i dont understand why i would be so moved by a cat and turn a blind eye to humanity every day. Isnt he poor and homeless and needy and a creature of God? I even looked through my cat antibiotics to see if i had some to treat him. no such luck. I dont know, going into a church just felt like any other time in church for me growing up. It seems like there was a person ready to tell me what to do before i had gotten down the hall or even into the door.. someone to treat a small animal like a nuisance. I felt for the cat. who needs a silly cat? I do sometimes in my life to remind me that there is an opportunity to show compassion or kindness to creatures that people throw away. This cat just wanted to be with people. Some days i feel like that cat; on the outside looking in just wanting to belong somewhere. please God, take care of that cat.
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meltdown on the road
posted at 12:58 pm on 10-29-2007
Well, it finally happened today. I had my first meltdown in a long while. I think things have finally piled up too high. My job is enjoyable, but taking over my life right now. An essential manager was fired a few weeks ago and the rest of us at work are having to clean up his mess. I have been working long hours and running late everywhere just because of how much i work and how many things happen in october. My birthday was last week and I had to have the family party to go to. Dont get me wrong, birthdays are nice, but not so much after thirty. This last weekend, on my one day off, i find out that i am invited to two different social engagements, my lymph nodes are swollen up like peanut mnm's and My grandmother went into the hospital, saying she was dying. I dont know if she is, but it pretty much was that seventh thing that happens in a row that makes you lose it. I feel like i should be able to handle this, as my catering partner is going throught the exact same thing as i am. Her grandmother is really dying and she has the same amount of social engagements i do, not to mention her swollen neck. It seems like she is hanging in there. What is wrong with me... I feel like life is out of my control, and that i cant even make any plans. This is the time i usually stop eating just so i have something i can control. I still eat some, and it doesnt last that long, but it just seems to help a little. I woke up frustrated, and pent up because my husband and i just didnt have any time together. I think we are both feeling that. I feel like i wanna die. You know why i never even get close to doing myself in? Its because i know it will pass. Its just a few months, right? I feel so selfish, because my boss has worked in my place to let me off for saturday night to go to a costume party. I went home with all intentions of going, butwhen i sat down for a moment, I couldnt get back up. I just passed out. Nothing is more frustrating to this aspie to have my plans changed, especially by myself. I dont know what to do right now, i am inconsoleable and almost in hysterics. I just feel overstimulated, and just any mention or thought of some task i have to do in the near future sends me in orbit. . My husband is feeling stressed out too. He has law school which sucks up all his time and energy. I dont want to bother him too much because he just looks like he is overwhelmed. Please God, give us a little reprieve. thats all i am asking.
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The peace of raising chickens
posted at 09:07 am on 10-08-2007
When i was very young, one of my fondest memories were my family's chickens. We had a fairly nice sized plethora of hens on our farm and reaped the benefits of a rooster free hen society and the byproducts they produced. Mainly eggs. I have yet to have eggs that fresh since then. For me, the eggs were just a bonus. The real joy was tending to them. I had a name for every hen in our modest little pen. They were usually functional names, like spot, or whitey. I would go to the wheatfields next to the coop and pick wheatgrass for them to eat and watch the excitement as i dispensed their snack. They had a spell over me. I learned their rudimentary chicken language and could tell when they were very content and when they werent quite happy. I loved to hear them 'sing' in the yard when they were let out for the day to pick and scratch the fields. Its funny how such a supposedly 'dumb' animal can have such a wonderful effect on someone. They made me feel better about the world. Some days i wish the rest of the world was as simple as a chicken coop.
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crash...and scene.
posted at 04:49 pm on 08-29-2007
I just had my first car accident yesterday evening. I had just finished a catering in my company vehicle and was driving home. I glanced down to my cell phone and looked down a little too long . I ended up looking up just in time to see the back end of a Daewoo heading towards me. I slammed on the brakes, but of course it was a little too late. SMACK!!! SMack, Smack and smack. four car accident caused by yours truly. The Moes mobile was pretty messed up. Its still too early and raw to go into details, but it was not cool. My neck kinda hurts today, but i dont really remember much about the impact except the massive shaking throughout the truck and myself. I felt like a total ass. I have never been in an accident before and i dont want to again. We were all fortunate that an ambulance wasnt needed, just insurance and a ticket for not paying attention close enough. The policeman had seen my spotless driving record and really cut me a break. Things could have been much worse. Me, I have a sore neck and back, but nothing broken. I am usually a really cautious driver, i just was tired and had ten million things i had to do still in my mind's list. You know i cant go throught the day without checking everything off. Needless to say, no walk and no groceries. damn.
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cutting back on zoloft, this week?
posted at 03:16 pm on 08-23-2007
My husband asked me to go off the zoloft, and so i am starting to lower my dosage. It has immediately helped the sexual side effects, but i am uptight and really pissy. Perhaps it has supressed a lot of anger i have about things. I am new to the AS thing, so i am still evaluating myself and i see different times that i was misunderstood. I used to fly into a rage when this happened. I was so angry at my sisters for tattling to my mother about stupid and just little things I woud do because i didnt know how to express myself. We even had a complaint box, and i couldnt look at anyone funny without getting a complaint lodged against me. They laugh about it now, but i still dont. Some times NTs really piss me off. I dont understand catty comments, i dont understand mindgames and i especially dont understand getting any kind of enjoyment in the pain of others, even if they are annoying. Why are people that way. All i ever wanted was just to have my own place without being made fun of, criticized, told i was full of it, or not being taken seriously. I live on my own with my husband now, and it is a haven. These people wonder why i never visit them. I dont want to be around them and their families. I am not comfortable around them and i know if they ever read this it will offend them. They dont understand how i work and why i am different from them. They dont even try. They dont hold the same things sacred like i do, but i always had to honor whatever the hell they wanted or do or not do something because the other was offended. It never seemed to matter if i didnt like something. i am really easy to please, and i dont ask for much, just some f@@king respect!!! I tend to curse when i am angry because i cant find the right words that describe the way i am feeling. I am just so angry now about everything. it must be the lack of zoloft or my wellbutrin kicking in. It just feels like everything that gets under my skin IS today. I remember fights and then some i had with my husband years ago today. I hope he is happy with this medication decision, because i am not at the time. I am angry at my mother for leaving my dad for another man who is probably three times worse in the way he treats her. He was also married at the time. This has been 20 years ago, but i just found out a few years ago about it. She flat out lied to my face about it. I dont get it.. she was married before and cheated on.. Why the hell would she put someone through that? My dad looked like the bad guy at the time, because he complained about her so much. i see he was justified. Its just all coming to me at once and i am a mess right now. I wish i could just hit something over and over again until the anger stops. All i can do is cry at my computer for the time and type. i know this is doing wonders for my sinuses and my allergies. It just feels like the end of the world today. I am tired of watching every step i take because i might offend someone. All this shit i have lived through and come so far from, and i still think about it. I dont fit in the regular world and i dont want to. I just want to be understood for a split second.
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cannot sleeep... usually asleep by now
posted at 11:21 pm on 08-09-2007
I can feel a little sleepy coming on, but for some reason my muscles are aching. I did hit it pretty hard on the treadmill, and walked at a faster pace. I have earned it. still, you would be amazed at what parts of your body become sore just from walking. My bum muscles are twitching everso slightly.. feels like little shocks that are making each individual connected muscle pulse. No like.
Took a naproxen sodium tablet for the twitchy twitchy. Waiting for some relief. I am usually not this sensitive, but on occasion i feel like my legs are going to fall off just after my arms. I tend to get so involved in what i am doing, i might overdo it. Walking this evening i pushed a little harder. Not regretting this, merely pointing this out.
Muscular development takes time and patience. If it takes me a year to shear a little fat off that butt, so be it. Maybe it will be a little more permanant. I want to really teach these muscles to work for me.
I dont want to look like the body builder. I still wish to have a shred of girly in me. I just think that having a lot of muscle control is a good thing to have. I want to improve my agility, and learn how to belly dance.
Wow was that ever a tangent. I am not sure that anyone reads these, but they are a little fun to do under the right state of mind. No pressure.... i could erase the whole thing if i wanted to . nah.
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wow, this is better than a journal
posted at 09:12 pm on 08-05-2007
Wow, i have gotta get out of the house. I have been having allergy problems and drainage problems. Its been wiping me out. It just seems like i have no energy lately and the heat is getting to me as well as the sun brightness. I am bored bored bored.
I need stimulation....AAAAAH! I thought this would be a good idea in staying in to do my exercising, but i miss the view... i dont miss the men in their passing cars hooting at me as they drive by. You see, we have a new treadmill in the house, so i dont have to go outside to walk in the heat. The downside... i need some nature and a change of pace. I suppose that sunshine thing is important too. I am trying to shape up for my job during the football season. I am a beer vendor for my store . In Norman, oklahoma, football games are a big deal.. Campus corner is hopping on gamedays and I am in the middle of it.
We are called the Moe ho's, unofficially. We don, yellow tanktops and shorts... not cheekie shorts, either. I enjoy the job, because it forces me to talk to people and i get to be my smartass self around the drunken baby boomers. I dont see myself as a really sexy thing and its hard to even imagine being an object of lust. It comes with the territory. The trick is to never lose your cool.... plus, for many people, alcohol is like a social paint thinner. It takes away manners and tact and really makes people say things they would otherwise never divulge. Kind of like temporary aspergers.
Its the best observatory of mankind. Watch them play and you will see them in their true form.
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