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Duncansbass's Blog
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Blowing glass
posted at 12:35 am on 01-22-2008
Blowing glass with every breath. Each in, each out, spins consciousness around me, maintains the illusion of 'I', but my 'I' is not the same as yours. My 'I' is separated, unreached and unreachable. I see you, you see me. We may touch, we may speak. I may hear your words, and you may hear mine. But there is no connection. Never was.
Blowing glass with every breath. I speak in music, in notes spun from the beautiful part of my mind, but I speak not for you or your entertainment. I speak not for me or the peace of 'I'. I speak because it must be spoke, this voice, and no silence can be found while breath insists upon inflating.
Blowing glass with every breath. You may hammer at me, scream, shout, plead, beg, but no connection can be established. No such wiring exists. I may answer your entreaty with words, I may answer with notes, but each response is but a response pre-programmed. You may wring from me a thought given wings of sound, by voice or by note, an improv, or an apology, a flatted third or fifth, but each is but a mask, a ghost, and 'I' remain behind, untouched, unseen, hoping you may find solace in the ghost presented for your satisfaction, or amusement. Amuse and be satisfied, and the smarter of you realize that connection is missed, even if it appears safely in your hand; what you hold is but a ghost, a reflection in perpetual distort, projected by the 'I'.
So speak, entreat, or sit quietly and contemplate the flesh, the bone. Foolish think they find the plain to see. Perceptive see the 'I' in glass, unreachable.
Pavolv would be proud, but would he comprehend in whose hand tolled the bell?
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Acting
posted at 12:29 pm on 12-29-2007
Today I replied to a couple of threads, one on interviewing for jobs, and one on acting in the theatrical sense, and they got me wondering about my abilities as a mimic. I can't act on stage, and hate being in front of the camera, but I am good at playing different roles in life. Not all of them, mind you, just specific ones. I think I have learned to adapt to being in an NT world by being my usual unusual self, and learning enough of their skills to coexist.
I have had a lifelong fascination with human behavior. It almost led me into the field of psychiatry, and you can always count on me for an analysis of the causes of so-and-so's behavior. I think that I have learned, over the years, to mimic some of the behaviors I have observed of which I am otherwise incapable. I have a job, unlike some aspies, and have had a fair amount of success at it--I am the team lead--but am pretty much unsuited for the workplace. I am withdrawn, hard to talk to, eccentric, unusual, and at times downright surly. Yet I am in a position where I lead the team I'm on, train its new members for my sub-team's function, and my supervisor thinks I am wonderful--though this last almost certainly has something to do with the fact that my actual job function is to stare at a computer screen and think outside the box while dissecting where a case went wrong to determine how to put it right. It makes me wonder...maybe I am a good actor after all?
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Not a bad day
posted at 02:16 am on 12-15-2007
Okay, I said at the end of the last entry that I was going to post something positive, so...
I have had a very good night, and get a rare day and night to myself tomorrow, as the girly-girl has plans. My guitar playing is sounding better, and aforementioned girly-girl said I sounded really really really good. I feel relaxed, not overstimulated, and totally ready for a good, restful weekend.
One of my people at work may be on the way out (not entirely a bad thing).
I feel on top of this diagnosis for the first time since I got it. It didn't exactly throw me for a loop, but it was a change for me, and I don't like new things of great import until I get my mind around all their angles, or enough of them I have a comfort level.
MAN, am I gonna rest up tomorrow...!...!...!
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Not a good day
posted at 12:14 am on 12-14-2007
I fought with my daughter today. we weren't understanding what the other was saying, and she was thinking I was acting like I have in the past, before I understood I have Aspergers and began more effective ways of trying to deal with myself and the world and my interrelation with it. It was a hard day anyway because we went and signed her up for school.
Big freaky times for both of us.
Now I have had way too much input and just need some cool, dark space for a while. Hup, No! Guess what?!? Have to work in the morning, and deal with possible drama on my team.
Sometimes I just want to scream, rock back and forth, make a little autistic spectacle of myself so that people leave me the f**k alone, daughter included. Why does everyone have to be the way they are? Why does everything have to be so hard? Why does even a simple conversation have to be a tortuous marathon?
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe soon I'll post a happy blog entry...
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foggy
posted at 10:40 am on 12-09-2007
Not a good morning so far.
I have already snapped at my daughter, and feel very disconnected from things, very in my own world. Feel a little down, too
I can't just let myself sink into a terrible day. I know how it affects my daughter when I am so withdrawn, and when I feel like this I get crabby when people won't just leave me alone, and feel alienated when they do. I don't know how I will break out of this cycle, but I will find a way.
Maybe football will help? It's Sunday.
Maybe I should just give myself a break, and try and find a comfort zone in my day. When I am comfortable in my surroundings, I feel better, and maybe if I feel better I will relate better to my kids (son is coming over, too).
We will see...
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New to Diagnosis
posted at 02:35 am on 12-09-2007
This has been an interesting way to end 2007...
I have suspected I had Asperger's for a little while now, and of course I have always known I was different, weird, unusual, f**k'd up, (insert your own adjective here). It's very frustrating, knowing you're different, being helpless to change that, but not having the slightest idea why.
Well, now I know why.
Of course, this really changes nothing. I am still different, weird, unusual, etc., and no more or less so than I used to be. The biggest difference, I think, has been finding others who had some of the same issues as I do, and learning from them how to cope with my life.
I guess it will be a brave new year...
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