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I_wanna_blue's Blog
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Just let me be...
posted at 05:22 am on 11-18-2009
I just need time to myself. I just need to be left alone. Why can't my family just let me be? I have grown to really dislike my father and sister for this very reason. They are not content in letting me live my own life. They are not content with leaving me in my own little world. They have to make sure that they get me out of my shell, and expose me to the things I am most uncomfortable with. One might think that they have only noble intentions, but I can assure you, that is not the case.
They both feel a need to change me. To have power over me. To make me subject to their will. This may seem strange to an outsider, but in my world, in my family, this is only the beginning. My father forced me into social situations, which only made me more reclusive, and my sister convinced everyone that I don't have a problem when it comes to functioning in the real world. And what became of me then? I failed, and I have never recovered. I am nothing anymore.
Why can't they just leave me alone? But wait there's more. Now it seems as if my brother too has decided to make me better. He passes judgment on me all the time. He regards me as lazy, and a good for nothing. And why? Because I failed. I failed at University, but not in my performance. I had passed two years, and was passing the third. But I could not take the physical and mental torment anymore. But he thinks that I am making it up, that I gave up without a fight. Nobody understands what it was like. I wish I could disclose how painful and shambolic my University life was, but I can't. You will just have to believe me when I say I could not take any more.
Someone out there believe me, for my family does not, and never will.
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What more could I have done?
posted at 12:52 pm on 11-16-2009
The dread with which I have lived has been tangible. I could feel it stir in the depths of my being, invisible to everyone, painful only to me. I guess, I am not happy. I guess, I never was. Who could have found happiness, if only fear was at hands reach? Well, if someone could, that someone was not me. I always felt weak and fragile. I was easily intimidated. I was easily turned afraid. I knew I would not survive. I knew best what was inside of me. Nothing but weakness. I could not explain it, and certainly not overcome it. Nobody out there can no what it is like to be me. To exist on such inner chaos and dread. I felt my weakness would be exposed, making me vulnerable to the rest, who appeared strong. I find it hard to find the words which can aptly describe this weakness. I want someone to know what it is, so that I can feel that I am not alone in knowing that which tortures me. But again, it cannot be spoken of. It's something too unique to have a name.
I guess the fact that I am so tainted made me fail. If someone is already injured, any other blows would only cause further pain. I was never strong enough to face what I became. I could not bear to live with it. It caused me to die from within, I could not bear the disfigurement. I felt it all the time and it was always there, a way of destroying my self assurance even more. Oh why did it have to happen to me? I was never strong enough to deal with it. Even to this day I still shed tears over what it did to me inside. From then on, my life was destined to go nowhere. I could not bear the unwelcomed attention it brought me.
It troubled me endlessly. And it led to my greatest mistake. Being too fearful and ashamed to ask for help. Thus the events of the past came into being. All because I was not strong enough to deal with such a burden. I just wish none of what happened, happened. It's been so difficult to contend with. It has nearly caused to stop functioning. Why did it have to happen to me? I just want the pain and misery to end. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess for me it is.
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