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posted at 08:45 pm on 08-27-2009
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the sickness of mankind
posted at 08:45 pm on 08-27-2009
When did it become ok to commit violence and enjoy it? When did the children start enjoying ganging up and beating the shit out of (or killing) the weak or odd children. when did adults get so perverted that they enjoy watching torture on television? When did it become so normal to you all to see this? Did you know it is hard to find a tv show without violence!?
If you say you don't like it, your lying! Or your one of the few that is not yet perverted.
I can't stand it. Do you know how many shows have violence in them!? I cant watch many shows without having to fast forward through some sort of violence!
The FCC had such a problem with eminem . When he is not the problem! LOOK AROUND YOU! Watch at 5 shows and tell me that at least on of them doesn't have torture screaming or bloodshed.
EVEN KIDS SHOWS ARE BEING TAINTED!!! I watched some show for little kids and was shocked! It was a show for toddlers. You want to know what they were teaching them!?
Why you shouldn't swear. But they were swearing in the show! Now i know kids swear because they don't know better. If they don't know what it is then don't show them!
This was on PBS this is the last place i would expect to see this. The world has gone mad and i seem to be the only one who is sane enough to see it.
Kids torture kids , adults beat there kids, people hating and killing in the name of god, where will it end?
More importantly how did it start? And when did it become normal........ You wouldn't watch if you thought it was not ok....... the ratings speak for themselves. Mankind has spoken and show he is broken. May god have mercy on our souls.
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posted at 07:10 am on 04-15-2009
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random stuff
posted at 07:10 am on 04-15-2009
If the earth is an animal and the animals are its cells,
are we the cancer?
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posted at 07:13 am on 03-24-2009
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for my mother.
posted at 07:13 am on 03-24-2009
You may be passing on
but I believe you wont be gone.
you'll be there watching me,
keeping me safe and keeping me free.
Don't go to quickly though
stay with me and help me know
That you'll be ok on the other side
that your proud of me and you'll always be there
you'll be there even if I can see
you'll keep watching over me.
I may not see you there
but I will feel how much you care.
help me deal when your gone
give me strength to be strong.
keep me safe from the beoynd
or stay here to keep me strong.
You know I dont want you to go.
but things must happen and this I know.
I knew you would go when I was still young
but now its here and nothing can be done.
I want you to know I love you
you know I will always do.
I wont say that I wont cry
but I want you to know I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU MOM~.~.~.
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posted at 02:20 am on 03-15-2009
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more then you realize
posted at 02:20 am on 03-15-2009
Who knows what the future holds
where it ebbs ,where it flows
Where things come and where they go
no one really truly knows
trust not on just your eyes
for they sometimes tell you lies
I may wear your disguise
but I see more then you realize.
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posted at 10:32 pm on 12-27-2008
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to my love ~``
posted at 10:32 pm on 12-27-2008
Wating there , the maiden fair.
When suters come to call
But she dose not answer them.
she hears but one mans call
They had to be torn apart,
Her lover and she
She said she would wate for him
Across the ocean sea
So she waits by window high looking out to see
For her love and for his call, rising on the sea
Soon she knows he will
he will return to thee
When he does she will know
What happines can be
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posted at 11:56 pm on 12-17-2008
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The beginning.
posted at 11:56 pm on 12-17-2008
Its been over 2 weeks sence I moved into my new house.
It has been over 2 weeks sence I was shouted at or afraid of everything all the time.
2 weeks of peace.
What happens when all the fighting stopes and your left to pick up the pices of your shatterd life?
You start picking them up.
putting them back together.
Try to find yourself , because before you had no time.
I had no time to think about what kind of person i was who I really was inside.
They say your shaped by your childhood, I hope I was not.
I tried to see what not to become , rather then take there actions as an example.
I am picking up the pices, finding who I really am.
I discovered something today.
I can rest.
I dont have to be moving constantly.
I dont have to be on my guard all the time.
I can rest in peace.
I have dremped of this day, never knowing when or even if i would come. but it has.
I can be at peace.
Mabie not overjoyed, but I can stop worring and I dont have to be afraid.
I can take time to do whatever I want , even if that means doing nothing at all.
I can heal, pick up the pices of my shattered life.
This may sound sad to you.
But for me it is good , for me it means my life had truly began, and I can find out who I truly am inside.
I dont have to worry anymore. I can take the time to find myself ,when I wasent able to as a child.
I am 21 living independintly.
I can say that with pride.
That is the badge I ware.
Not the abuse I suffred ,but the fact I came through it all intact.
Alive, Healthy, Strong, Independint ,Whole, Loved,Loving,Caring,Kind, Smart, Wise .
^These are the things I take as today I move foward with MY NEW LIFE, A LIFE THAT IS MINE , AND MINE ALONE TO SHAPE.
I remember when I watched the memoirs of a geisha. I feel like that girl at the end of the film to be happy to finnaly have what she wanted.
And someday, someday soon I will be with the one i love and my life will finnaly be filled with joy and happiness , like I have know it would always be.
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To: Mom and Dad.
posted at 11:43 am on 12-08-2008
I'm sorry I have to go.
I'm grown up now,
didn't you know?
I am me, I am not you.
I have my own life,
but can't live it through you.
The times have past since I was a child.
You beat be back then,
held me down for a while.
But I'm gown up now, I'm speaking out.
My life was wrong ,
what was that about?
You say I am not fit to leave,
I am not fit to go.
But then you kicked me out
so now I know.
Times have chainged since I was a child.
I think I'll stay here and rest for a while.
In my new place where I am safe and warm.
I don't live in harm from you'r on comming storm
I'm quickly learning the things not known ,
like how family is and that love should be shown.
How mothers should hold you and show you they care,
and fathers don't beat you up when you are scared.
Your fists cant hurt me like they did.
I'm learning my way way without you............
By just-me
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posted at 02:17 am on 11-10-2008
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Epiphany.
posted at 02:17 am on 11-10-2008
I've been working on being myself more and Ive come to realise that it means being open and honest with myself, not just others.
For the last year or two I have been beating my self up literally and figuratively .
From hating myself, for every little thing I do wrong to hitting myself when I am angry at my family.
I have come to realise why I do these things.
I was afraid to get angry at people, I was afraid to hate anyone, namely my parents. I was afarid because I thought if I did it would make me a bad person, and I would be like my parents.
I couldn't be farther from the truth.
As I kept turning my anger at other people inward on myself I realized somthing.
My anger grew larger and started to spill over onto more people, I started getting rage that I never had before.
People kept telling me it was ok to hate but I was scared. Scared if I did I would lose all control and become a bad person.
I was at the local shelter where I go to get free abuse therapy, and I would my therapist how ashamed I was at myself.
I told her I was worried I was becoming like my father, I was snapping at people and getting angry when I should be able to let go of my hate.
I expected her to hate me for it, to blame me and tell me it was my fault. She did something that I would never had expected.
She wasn't angry and she didn't judge. She explained to me that this was because of what they had done to me .
Every time they made a rude remark to me and I got angry because I remembered all the abuse I suffered emotionly.
I wasn't lashing out because of what they were saying , I was reacting to years of unexpressed anger for the abuse I suffered.
She used an anolagy of a box. I kept stuffing all my anger and remorse and all the other emotions caused by it into a box. When they make a negative comment I open the box to put that anger away . But the box is full and I have no where left to put it and it spills out.
So I have been taking the time to get angry. I don't have to take it out on them, I just have to be angry inside. Letting my self cry when I am sad but most importantly accepting that its not my fault. I didn't cause this abuse , they did. And I am a good person who deserves to be treated with dignaty.
I am finding that I cry during sad movies , laugh hysterically during funny ones, and get filled with joy when I see somthing good. Even if its somthing small like saving an ant form being stept on.
I am letting my emotions flow freely knowing its ok, even if they are negative emotions. I know some emotional reactions may not fit the situation but its ok to feel that way as long as they don't hurt the other person . I accept the fact I feel these emotions for a reason even if that reason does not make sense at the time.
I am taking better care of myself , loving myself. Being proud of myself when I do somthing good for me or others. knowing it is ok to do so.
I love myself , I am beautiful , intelligent, thin, and very talented, unique, very kind , and I am very proud to be me
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posted at 03:59 am on 11-09-2008
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the party. 10/31/08
posted at 03:59 am on 11-09-2008
well I have been away for a bit so I though I would let you all know what I've been up to.
My brother had a party on halloween and invited lots of friends, and his friends invited there friends and so on.
So I decided I was gonna go to this party, (even if my sister toled me to leave the house ).
I was going to leave but a girl nicknamed pickle started talking to me and I decided it wouldn't be so bad after all.
It turned out that a lot of the people were my age and from my old high school.
If you have read any of my old posts you may know high school was not easy for me.
I dident recongnize any of them at first , untill a girl who knew me in middle school came up and introduced herself.
I don't remember her at first, but then realized she was in my chorus class. She had seen my meltdowns in the middle of class. I was a little worried having here here at my brothers party , but she didn't judge me.
I started talking to other people and found out almost all of them went to my school . I remembered some and others not so much.
I figured I would tell them who I was since most of them didn't remember.
I told them I was the girl that tried to jump of the second floor balcony. They remembered me , I thought they would start making fun of me just like they always did.
But instead they started telling there own stories about the things they had done in school.
I ended up getting along with all of them, and for one night I was the life of the party (at least I felt like it).
The best part of thet story is I got to make peace with that part of my past, and forgive everyone form school for the way they treated me.
who knows I may go the the 5 year reunion.
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posted at 08:42 pm on 10-21-2008
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It's my right.
posted at 08:42 pm on 10-21-2008
I'm me , not my sister, not my brother, not my mother, nore my father. I am me , I'm diffrent then them, I will never be them , and they cant change that.
When I try to fit in with them I fail , I become depressed. The only time we get along it when I betray myself and suck up to them and ignore there irrational behavior, well no more.
I will scream at them if they deserve it, and defend them when they dont.
Honestly, they deserve it more then not, that says something to me, all they are is mean and I am not.
I feel bad standing up for myself because they manipulate me to feel that way, they deserve to know the truth. And its my right to be able to tell them!
How I feel is important , if they have upset me they deserve to know, its MY RIGHT, and it's good .
I will leave and never come back some day and I will never look back. If I need reassurance I will look back to my blog, and know why.
They think its fine to make me feel bad but when I want to tell them I am upset they tell me I am being mean.
Well, I am not.
If you don't want to feel bad dont be mean , and if you dont want to hear someone say there upset, dont make them upset.
I have A RIGHT to say how I feel .
My father says this house is a dictatorship, its not. I am 21 years old and he has no right , and never did have a right to treat me this way.
I try and rationalize his behavior in my head ,saying to myself he doesn't beat me any more, and hardly call's me a s**t or a bi****, but that is because I dont tell him when he has been crule to me, I do what ever he says even if its eating food that rotten , or food cooked on a dirty counter, .
I still have to tip toe around him , I can't talk to much or he gets angry , I cant ask to many questions or he gets angry, same with my sister, my mother,and my other sister is even worse with that.
I have to be a suck-up just to get along with them and thats not right!
I have a right to be myself, he may throw insults at me but it's my right to be me, he can't change me and I am glad I am finally sticking up for myself. I may falter from time to time but they deserve to be treated like everyone else, and I deserve to be able to be myself ................................. its my right.
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posted at 01:49 am on 10-17-2008
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posted at 11:59 pm on 10-16-2008
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written by just me
posted at 11:59 pm on 10-16-2008
I walk benieth the silver moon
wating silent by my tomb
will I die this very day
or will I slowly fade away
benithe the vail of this dispair
walking helpless without care
will you come to take me home
or am I doomed to be alone
These are the questions I ask
as I sit and time does pass
in this dark,
the darks my veil
of this world
where no one cares
:writen by just me
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posted at 08:04 am on 10-11-2008
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songs of life.
posted at 08:04 am on 10-11-2008
Sitting listining to a song I relised, who would we be without our expresions of self.
sitting alone in the corner of some darkened room strumming a gitar, singing about our lost loves, or our hopes and dreams of the future.
A while back I lost my will to express myself, and I was so sad it felt like the whole world had gone dull and I was alone.
I dident understand what had gone wrong, what did I do , was I being punished by god?
I had stoped expressing myself and worse still I was repressing my emotions so I felt so scared.
I let my slelf shine slowly , doing thoings like jumping in my pool and screaming loudly even if the nabours thought I was nuts.
And before i knew what happend I felt alive.
You know how you feel when you go see a great movie and there at the best part and your just filled with joy?
Well that's how I feel like listinging to some music someone here on the site made, its a wonderfull thing music, it filles you with so much joy , sadness , laughter , anger. its an expression of us all. be glad for the music, poetry, art, invetions, theses are us , all of us know your self and shine!
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posted at 02:27 pm on 10-10-2008
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the city cries
posted at 02:27 pm on 10-10-2008
In the dark I feel alone.
I wonder when I'll go back home.
City street feel's like home,
rather here then be alone.
Family's gone , was never there.
I wonder if they'll ever care.
They beat me, hurt me, draged me down.
They burnt my will down to the ground .
In this world of pain and greed,
how can they let me succeded?
I wont be them I never will,
they only have my will to kill.
So I'll sit here, tears in my eyes.
In the street's youll hear my cries.
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