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Kaytie's Blog
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posted at 04:02 am on 06-25-2009
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nuissances of going out
posted at 04:02 am on 06-25-2009
yesterday i went to the dentist, these visits i used to hate because of waiting in the hallway i always sit around giggling, laughing people which makes me extremely paranoid and angry. well the clinic moved to another place, and i no longer feel that helpless when i visit monthly. but the thing is, i took public transportation that day and encountered several teenagers (girls) who i assume were just talking etc. one giggled, in my head i was thinking she's laughing at me for something whatever it was, this infuriated me. Before that, i made bill payments at the bank, while waiting for that person to punch in all my payments, the other woman employee was making jokes about this woman using a derogatory name for her, honestly i felt it was me she was referring to, and in my mind i felt she was attacking me. it was so infuriating, i couldn't leave at once, there was no escaping
it. i felt humiliated. although, it could be imagined, the feelings wouldn't go away. Then i realized last night that it's nearing my period again. usually the week before, i have this melt-down and/or intense angry feeling towards
whoever. i run this storyline where it really gets me going. i hope i could do something to ease this. reality wise, i can't subdue these intense feelings, i drink to feel a bit better, but in the end i explode, and usually my family gets the brunt of my outbursts, then i feel guilty, then ok, after weeks it starts all over again. i wish i could manage or make them disappear for good. coz now the older i get the more difficult it is and i need to get my life in order, soon, before it's too late to start any life at all.
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