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Does medication make a difference
posted at 03:15 am on 05-04-2010
So far I have a had a mixed experience with medication, sometimes to the point where it affects my core being and make me question is the changes made good for me.
After starting on SSRI's for anxiety and depression, I had a sudden response to the medication far quicker than expected,. It disorrientated me from day one sending my already heightened sensitivity to a new level. I felt overwhelmed for the first few days, frequencies in hearing, responses to light, taste and smell as well as a perculiar hyper sensitive sense of touch.
The touch and light are the most dominant things for me as I have discovered a new way of self soothing my choosing materials that feel nice (except do not put velvet within a foot of me as I just freak as its too much) and wear clothes that are good on my skin but I am also finding florescent lights a problem as their strobing makes me physically sick.
As you can see the effects of the SSRIs in those two examples can be a double edged sword of beauty and pain, often experienced concurrently which in itself is distressing and I have coping stratergies for them, i.e. avoid Goths in Velvet Bodices and spend as short a time in supermarkets as possible.
The other medication I haven't responded to well are sedatives to try and help me sleep, my sleep pattern is short and erratic so ideal for a film editor, they either make me more agitated or just don't kick in as quick as they should i.e. hours instead of minutes. My metabolism is then so fast the effect lasts only half the time it should.
Then there are sedatives such as Xanex, I take each morning and night, which the dose is slow release. I was asked how hyper I used to be when I wasn't on Xanex as I can be hard work even now to which I reply well I used to get more done.
Also some sedatives just locked the door to part of my brain, I knew it was working but like Alice in Wonderland I couldn't get the door open to see what was happening. This in itself was distressing and sometimes the meds still do that.
Finally a side effect I hate is the migraines, oh how I now understand those poor women who suffer from them regularly except my le is nearly once every ten days.
For me I am just existing at present keeping things under control, faltering at times, but managing. This is not a life I would wish on my worst enemy but it is still better than trying to destroy myself and those around me.
I'd like to know if anyone else feels this way as surely I can't be the only one like this?
I like to look different for a reason not because I'm "special"
posted at 09:27 pm on 04-05-2010
I feel it easier to deal with social interaction or problems by making myself look quirky rather than people pick up on it.
Yes the funny coloured hair and shoes, etc, do mark me out but sometimes thats better than being the weird wall flower. At least this way I choose who to engage with.
I am not comfortable in my body
posted at 03:44 am on 03-31-2010
When things go wrong I just burn up I mean sudden body temperature rise that takes a while to settle.
I have trouble sleeping, Ambien and others only give me 4 hours tops and take ages to kick in.
Yet I feel tireder now than I did when I was not on medication.
It appears my short lived intense very hot sleep, my partner says I feel on fire, is maybe what it needs and I'm not supposed to sleep.
Whatever it is I am just not comfortable in this vessel, I want a break from all this stimulus and discomfort.
I sometimes don't think the beauty I see, feel and give is worth all the pain that comes with it.
Anyone else scared to death of mirrors or windows on darkness?
Hurting those you care about most
posted at 02:51 am on 03-31-2010
The subtlety of another's frustration is hard not to internalise as its not obvious to me as to whose fault it is. Its not theirs so it must be mine.
This leads to arguments that should not happen, even using a time out just makes it worse.
There is no place for gray in my mind and that's the hardest lesson to learn for me it has to be my fault if there's any doubt.
Ground Hog Day - complex device configuration
posted at 01:43 am on 03-31-2010
I have never seen the film but know that world.
i am in it now.
The systems I'm integrating for a show take a certain amount of time and I am in that time I just know they will have quirks, like any living thing, that means it needs nursing.
I know the answer but the patient resists the treatment and I go through the same steps.
The result is the same, the final release takes the time it should but I had to pass through so many moments to get there.
Nothing changes with the installation order its just how it has to be.
Its frustrating to live it so many times, perhaps I shoul;d walk and get a coffee in one of the other moments and leave part of me to struggle through.
Old and new
posted at 12:58 am on 03-31-2010
I love looking at old buildings, I feel their souls, well not theirs but those that lived and worked there. It's an intense feeling, I just want to get off the freeway and look and feel.
So geo tagging places I see, what can you do eh?
I feel don't deserve new things as its painful to receive but if its open box or discounted, because it needs a friend, then I can buy.
I can feel time move around me and never know what the moment I should experience is, there were old ways I could but not the best for ones mental or physical health. He's away with the fairies they'd say or stop day dreaming but those that shouted never knew the wonders I was seeing and experiencing. I now "run interference" round it by focusing on work. However when I present to people I to the second on timing because as I walk up there I have already finished in my moment so now let me share it with you.