|
Mitharatowen's Blog
Back to Blog Directory
I think it's right this time :D
posted at 02:19 pm on 09-23-2009
I was just looking at my threads in an old relationships forum that I used to go to in the early months of my first marriage and, I'll tell you, it was extremely depressing. I can't believe the crap I used to go through with him. There's some information here in my blog and on this forum, but it doesn't even tell half the story. What a nightmare.
I'm so, so glad that I finally got incentive to get out of that terrible situation. "Incentive" came in the form of a wonderfully supportive WP member who appeared just when I needed him, like a guardian angel, and instantly became a good friend of mine. He listened to me, offered me logical advice and insight and shared his own recent relationship traumas. He stayed up all night with me the day that I discovered (by way of internet porn) that my husband was not asexual but was just not interested in me. And in these discussions it quickly became apparent that we had remarkably similar views of what consititues a good partner. It became clear that the qualities we had been unable to find in others where there.. within eachother. We were both so scared from our recent hellish break-ups but we soon realized that there was a good chance that we might just be perfect for eachother.
Ever since what I refer to as "the porn fiasco," I have never looked back or even considered going back to my husband. This is unusual for me because I have a very hard time standing up for what I want and almost always give in to the demands of others, which is one of the reasons I never left the asshole in the first place. If I had not had the support of my WP friend, I would not have been able to do it. I originally told my friend that I wanted to have a relationship with him but it needed to wait until my divorce was final. But after consideration, I decided that the marriage was already over and only legal things needed to be ironed out.
As of this point, I have been with my new long distance boyfriend for 6 months, 3 of which were spent together physically when he came to visit me over the summer. I visted him once as well and met his family and friends.
I'll be honest: for a while, through no fault of my boyfriend's, I was still very scared and paranoid that things would turn out badly again.. it was so hard to really trust him and believe that he wouldn't hurt me like my ex. But he has been so caring and so patient with me, I am not scared anymore.
I really think it is right this time. We've had a couple of misunderstanding-fueled spats but, trust me, it is nothing like my last relationship. Even when there are mistakes or disagreements, there's always an overall theme that he cares about me and loves me and wants to make me happy. Hopefully, he understands the same about me. I truly believe that he will do anything to make me happy and I hope he knows that I will do anything for him. He has AS and often has a hard time getting along in the world, harder than me in some ways. But there are many things about NT society that he understands better than I. I think there are many ways in which we are capable of helping eachother and compensating for eachother. I can't wait until the day that I will be able to be with him all the time and do everything for him and spoil him the way that he deserves and make up for the hardships he's endured at the hands of people who did not understand him. I know that he will not take me for granted.
And, of course, any one who has followed my story knows that intimacy issues (lack of appetite and kink) were a huge part of the problem in my first marriage. That is definately not an issue with this relationship. My boyfriend finds me attractive and sexy and is always interested in being intimate. We've already done so many more things than I ever did with my first husband and so many more things to try in the future.
He's sexy and loving and kinky and sweet and responsible and just perfect for me in every way.
I finally feel cared for and treasured and loved. Thank you for saving me, my wonderful guardian angel. <3<3<3
(Comments)
Moving On..
posted at 01:02 pm on 04-06-2009
Well, I haven't written in a while so I guess it's time I provide my fans with an update ;)
My marriage is definately over now. Sometimes I mourn the relationship as well as my (and my husband's) future plans. But I am strong enough to look at those things, feel the proper emotions, and continue on my course instead of the debilitating fear of change that I would normally feel. My fears of the future and of loneliness are gone. I am strong enough now.
I see a bright and hopeful future. One that is not under his shadow. One where I have the chance to be happy and have my needs fufilled as well as the ability to care for others. My (long distance) friends and family are behind my descision to leave him, even though divorce is against their moral beliefs, because they know what he put me through. But what he did doesn't matter now. What matters is that I know I am not going to lose them (well I may lose my sister but that is neither here nor there).
I don't hate or dislike him. I don't think he is a bad person. I think maybe he has some growing up to do and I think that he would be much better off with a more independent partner. I know that he will be able to grow from this experience and come out a better person. I believe that someday he will even be able to find another girl who is capable of making him happy.
I know what steps I need to take now and I have the ability to do them. I am not afraid anymore.
(Comments)
It's just so hard.
posted at 06:51 pm on 03-09-2009
You know... it's definitely not the first time I've wanted to leave him and not the first time that I've had a forum full of people encouraging me to do so. But it's still so hard. When he is crying and moping around and throwing up because of his distress... it's hard for me to not try to ease his pain. I don't exactly love him anymore but I still care about him somewhat.. I mean if nothing else... he is a human being and I always try to do whatever I can to make other people happy.
He keeps begging me to go to counseling some more - after all we haven't even really given it a chance yet. That's true. But I have a couple of misgivings about that - 1. I think he is overestimating what counseling can do 2. I don’t want to work it out with him. When I think about finding those pictures on his computer it makes me so bloody angry! Here I am torturing myself because I'm under the impression that he is asexual and I'm trying to deal with it but it is really really not something I am willing to handle... but I tried. And the whole fucking time he was over there watching porn??? I need to hold on to that thought because that thought makes me not care how goddamn depressed he is because it's his own fucking fault. All I ever wanted was for him to love me and care of me and have sex with me. He claims that the porn and the lack of sex are separate situations - he has all kinds of anxiety and incompetency fears about sex and he was discouraged by my attitude toward him (which is a result of no sex and lack of caring and responsibility on his part) so that is why he didn't want to initiate anything but he still wanted to practice to be better so that's why he was watching porn. He said the two are completely unrelated. I said, "It's the same dick so it's pretty related in my opinion." He started bringing religion into it (we're both Christians) and talking about my promise to god to stay with him or something and I was like well what about your promise to cherish and care for me and what about the scriptures that talk about how your body isn't your own but it belongs to your spouse and you shouldn't withhold sex from them and what about the scripture that says that whoever looks at a woman so as to have a lust for her has already committed adultery in his heart? He then brings up my intention to cheat. My reply is, "Well ok then you shouldn't trust me either. All you're doing is proving my point that our relationship is over." I asked him what if there was no food in our house... Would he expect me to starve or look for food somewhere else?
He keeps saying that he didn't intend to get carried away with the porn... that he wants sex he's just too scared to carry it out. My response is well if you really wanted to, you'd be able to do it for me. To give me what I need. He said that when he feels like that... he doesn't even think he can get it up. I'm just like... well go to a Dr, find out what is wrong with you, get anti anxiety meds, go to therapy - DO SOMETHING! Besides... I didn't think of it at the time but there are plenty of other ways to make sure that I am satisfied even if he 'can't get it up.' I know that what he says is true because there have been several occasions where he couldn't keep it up when we were actually fooling around. Which, by the way, is another blow to my self-esteem. All of these reasons why I thought he just wasn't interested in sex. But it's not true because he still watches porn. He still has pictures of naked women on his computer. But when his wife is naked in front of him, he could care less. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him??? Ugh. I know we have tons of issues and I'm sure that contributes to a lot of this. But if he wanted us to go to counseling, he should have initiated it a long time ago and not waited until I told him that I am leaving. I have suggested it many times and he kept saying he didn't want to.
And trust me that I haven't even really expounded half of the things he has done to hurt me. But the other side of the coin is, of course, that I haven't expounded anything that I have done to him so I don't think anyone should judge him based off of my testimony. I'm sure he'd have plenty negative things to say about me.
But it's still so hard to leave him. I mean.. I planned on being married forever, you know? I've been working on furnishing our apartment and saving for a house and we have a little puppy...
I know what I want to do but if my past is any indication.. I don't have the strength to do so. I'm a strong person when I need to be. But it is so hard for me when what I want conflicts with what someone else wants because I always bend. I feel so selfish when I insist on having something that I want. But I know that I will never look at him the same again. I can't imagine myself getting over this. I can't imagine having sex with him again. I keep picturing him there watching dirty movies while I cry myself to sleep from loneliness. The pictures of the women he had on his computer keep running through my head and I just don't think I can get over this. And as others have said on this forum - If I don't love him anymore and I don't trust him, staying would be living a lie. And I hate to lie.
But what if counseling can fix things? Shouldn't I give it a fair shot? One thing that I know is that counselors will tell me to learn to use all the little manipulations that NT's use to get someone to do what they want without being direct which is somehow seen as insulting. I can't operate that way. I don't want to operate that way.
I don't think I would tell the therapist about my AS because I have not been diagnosed and I'm not sure how my revelation would be taken. Serious? Or just that I'm a hypochondriac or something because I come off as relatively normal. I also find it hard to explain all the reasons why I suspect AS/autism so it would be hard for me to convince him (especially since he probably knows little to nothing about it).
It's just so hard.
(Comments)
Couples Counseling O.O
posted at 12:18 pm on 02-27-2009
-Edit on 3/03-
Well our first session was basically just a 'getting to know eachother' session. I think it went decently well. The guy seems really nice. He has a super-calm (but slightly fake) 'therapist' voice which kind of gets on my nerves because it's fake but he's a therapist so I can forgive him for acting like one :P
Anyway one thing was abundantly clear to me during the session and probably was clear to the therapist too and that is that I am aware of my issues. I know that I have abandonment issues, I always think no one loves me and they're just going to hurt me and ect. I told him that and explained how it related to my marriage and he said he agrees. I also know how my family dynamics has affected me. We didn't get much into my family yet but I know that we will need to because I know that the way my parents treated eachother and the way my mother treated me (and my father's lack thereof) has affected me. He did talk to Michael about his family. Michael answered the questions very simply without going into details. For example when asked how his parents got along, he said that they got a long well for most of his teen years but there were some issues earlier and later. He didn't specify that 'got along' means simply lived in the same house together and never talked. He didn' specify that the earlier (and current) issues are both of them cheating on eachother and his dad getting drunk and screaming at and stalking his mother and his dad's paranoid delusions. He didn't mention any of that or how much it upsets him. I guess Michael assumes that we will get more indepth later. But I really don't understand why you would gloss over it with "they got along fine." I mean at least say something like "Well there was lots of big issues at certain times but we can talk about that more later.." that at least gives the therapsit an idea that there is something there to dig for. If you just say "it was fine" why would he even think there was an issue?? Give the guy something to work with - sheesh!
Anyways, back to the point, I know what my issues are. I'm not sure how to deal with them but I have already dug within myself and identified my problems and what events caused them. I do not beleive that Michael has done any of that. I don't think he knows what he feels or why. I hope this was very clear to the therapist as well. I think it was because I brought up specific issues that I have with Michael and explained some of my internal issues and Michael said very basic things like.. in answer to 'Why are you here today?' he responded 'Because I want to do whatever it takes to fix our marriage.' very generic. My response was 'Because it is a last resort before I leave. I told him I wanted to leave and he suggested counseling and I decided that it couldn't hurt. But I am tired of trying. I feel like I've done all that I can and I don't want to do it anymore. We have a lot of issues but the big one is intimacy. Basically - it's not enough for me. I don't believe in relations outside of marriage so sex is one reason that I got married in the first place. If I'm not getting it then why should I be married?" I explained to him the big issue in the past that made me lose trust and faith in Michael. I explained that I had clearly laid out my expectations beforehand and they aren't being met. I talked about how my mom was very controllong and I even talked about my suicidal tendencies (he asked). Michael answered each question with as little information as possible. I suppose perhaps I gave him 'too much information' and maybe I should be more guarded. But, to be honest, I really don't see how he can help us if we aren't 130% honest with him (which includes mentioning things that are related to what he asked or that are relevant that he may not even have asked for.) but that is the approach I take to everything and I guess it hasn't worked out so far in my life. So perhaps I am wrong and just made myself look like an obsessive nutjob. I guess we'll see how it goes in the future
Our next session is April 7th. Yippee... another month with no results. I think our relationship is even getting worse now because I feel very taken advantage of by the fact that Michael only initiates sex with me lately when I am drunk. Does he WANT to take advantage of me? I don't know. He's so fucked up. After we had drunken (me, not him) sex the other night, I spent an hour on the floor of the bathroom throwing up and passing out. He came to check on me a couple of times but mostly spent the time watching TV. Then he came over to ask me to close the door because the sounds of me throwing up was grossing him out. .... *sigh*
-Original entry on 2/27-
Well we're having our first session of counseling on Monday 3/02. I have to say I'm not looking foward to it. So many questions.. prying.. crying.. Ugh. I hate letting strangers into my soul. I figure I'll make a blog about it and I can edit after the session or whatever. At this point I have brief notes about my main greviances with him as well as a log of many of our big fights. I really should have more detailed notes because it's unlikely that I'll be able to explain myself well when put on the spot. It's going to be pretty easy for him to make me out to be the problem because I'm most likely not going to be able to defend myself well and I also have obvious depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues. But I suppose all that will need to be addressed. I don't have a problem with addressing those problems - I just want to make sure someone FINALLY makes him realize that he has just as much a part in this as I do. It is NOT all my fault and I do NOT deserve his abusive speech. What I really want is for the counselor to hear all of our issues, see our ages, and just say "Holy crap! WHY are you still together??? You're both so young and this is bullshit. Get a divorce." Lol. They're not going to be able to get much done because I am done trying. I'm done working on this. I want out.
But.. we'll see how it goes.
(Comments)
Operation: Respect Your Husband - ??
posted at 08:37 pm on 01-21-2009
Well I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I am having to spit out these compliments even though I don't feel like it and I was thinking... I really think the idea of this program is to focus on the positive qualities and to learn to appreciate your husband more overall - not to compliment him once a day about something I don't feel because a sheet of paper told me to.
I just don't feel it and I don't want to lie.
I don't know what to do.
-Next day Edit-
Well I thought a lot about it and I decided that the problem lies with me. I am afraid of being taken advantage of and having to accept everything he gives me because I'm not allowed to critisize him. I have a hard time looking past the negative and seeing the positive, I have a hard time forgiving him for the huge errors in judgement that occured in the past when I keep seeing those attitudes repeated in his current behavior. However, I realized that it is easy for me to see the negative. After all, I am only human. It's harder and takes more effort to see the positive. He cannot possibly be a worthless human, there is no such thing. He has good qualities, everyone does. I just need to try a little harder to find them since I am blinded by my bias. Its going to be hard for me, but that's ok it doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me an imperfect human who has been scarred by negative interactions. I need to try harder to break the cycle.
So, rather than just offer him a single compliment on the subject of the day, I am going to really think about the subject and write about it and come up with ways that he does do good things in that area. Then I can feel more positively about it when I talk to him. I can also periodically read my writings and remind myself of his positive qualities. I'm going to go back and write to this end on the previous days.
My motivation? Of course, I would like to have a better marriage, I would like to be a positive, encouraging person. But basically, no matter what, the bottom line is that God commands me to respect my husband. He also commands a husband to love and cherish his wife, but I don't have control over what he does. But I have to respect him either way. I don't have to like him necessarily, but I do have to respect him. I don't believe that he's a complete jerk, so he should still respond positively but the main reason I should do this is for myself and for God. If he never responds, at least I can know I am trying to do the right thing. Besides, focusing on the positive qualities should make me like him more anyway. It is going to be very hard though and I will make mistakes and I will feel like it's not worth it just like I did above. But I have to get up and keep trying.
Another thing to consider is that many of our problems would be better if I could just overlook them. I am disapointed that he is not the most responsible person in the world and I get resentful when I have to pick up the slack. Why? If it's not important and/or will only affect him, leave it for him to do. If it is important and affects me, I can take care of it. Why not do all that I can do? If he only takes one class a symester and doesn't finish school for another 4 years, so what? We're making enough money to live off of. If he won't get up on time to be able to take the dog out for a walk, so what? I can take the dog out myself when I have time, it doesn't hurt me. In fact walking is good for me and I enjoy my walks. I had cut down on the amount of times I take the dog out because he had decided it wasn't safe for me to be out alone. But the dog has his needs, he can't just be ignored. I can stay inside the apartment complex if need be. I'll be fine. If something happens, then something happens. I'm not scared. If he ruins his credit and gets taken to collections for not paying a measly 30 dollar invoice and we can't get a house, so what? I like the apartment we live in. If he doesn't take any action to help us find/get/qualify for a house, so what? That just means I get to pick what kind of houses I want to go see and I can handle the responsibility of figuring out what we need to do. I can do all this. I just want him to handle his load, acutally I want him to do more than me since he is supposed to be the leader of the household. But if he doesn't that is OK, I can handle it. I am strong.
If I could just let go of all these things, our lives would improve. I'd also have to learn to let go of my personal resentment towards him when he treats me badly and calls me names. I know that I am trying the best that I can. Of course, hearing those things is never nice. But it doesn't have to define who I am. I am not a bitch, I make mistakes. If he thinks the worst part of his day is coming home to me, then that is his option. It doesn't mean anything about me as a person.
I really have a hard time letting go of the intimacy problems, though. That doesn't seem like something I am willing to comprimise on. He swears to me that that will improve. So we will just have to see. Its hard at this point because I don't even like him so why should I want to sleep with him and he knows this. It makes him feel like intiating even less than before. If our relationship can improve with the above, then perhaps this area will as well. We will just have to take this off the table, work on the rest of it, and see what happens. I need to try hard not to be resentful about this. It has hurt me deeply and crippled our relationship and it is going to be the hardest of all to get over. Especially since I don't want to. I am not willing to live without passion.
But the rest of it sounds really good. I always feel better when I think in this way. I'm sure something will happen to cause me to slip back in to my negative thought patterns, but I will have to keep trying.
Methods of implementation:
1. Write papers and lists about his positive qualities
2. Remember that when I feel sad, I tend to overemphasize things and then regret it later. It's not as bad as I think
3. Remember that his insults to not affect me as a person
4. Write out what I want to say - I might start doing this with everything for a while, write it out and see how I can make it sound more positive and encouraging. Definately do this when I have an issue I would like to discuss. Writing a letter and diffusing it with encouragement will help him to not feel attacked by what I am saying. Begin and end with a compliment.
5. Remember that I can't hear my own voice as others hear it, try to speak in higher pitches. Perhaps record my voice when having a discussion and see if it sounds angry as he claims
6. Take breaks when I get upset and ask him to let me have a few minutes to get ahold of myself
7. Catch negative statements and ask 'What did you like about it?' to force myself to see a positive aspect of the situation
(Comments)
Operation: Respect Your Husband - Hiatus and Day 4
posted at 02:11 pm on 01-19-2009
Well things kind of got shot for a while. We had a fight on Thursday night and on Friday he started interrogating me about what was upsetting me (like he doesn't know, as if I haven't tried talking about it millions of times) so trying to stay positive didn't work out to well. I talked about all the things that are upsetting me and how I want to leave and all that jazz. It's so frustrating! He still doesn't seem to get the seriousness of it all. Seems to feel like we can fix it no problem. He doesn't realize how close I am to deciding that I don't want to fix it anymore. Doesn't want to go to a counselor. I could get him to go but why should I put forth all the effort? Whatever. I told him about my 'be positive' program and he thinks its a good idea. I don't like the idea of him knowing, seems like it will taint the results of the experiment and possibly make my compliments seem less genuine. But.. whatever. He's not going to initiate going to a counselor and I'm tired of initiating everything. So I'm going to work on myself because I should be a nice positive person anyway but I'm not going to take care of everything like I always do. He can do it or let our marriage fall apart. Anyways back to my program...
I'm not going to give up. I'd really like to start over but since the program gives specific things to compliment him on each day, I'd have to say the same things over again which probably wouldn't be appreciated all that much. So I'll just pick up again at day 4.
Well today we had a little breakfast together and chatted a bit which is nice. (Doesn't really mean anything though. We get along well on a superficial level but don't relate to eachother at all on a deeper level. I don't think he has a deeper level. He just wants to make small talk and watch movies together and thinks things are hunky-dorey). So I think we're going to start doing breakfast more often.
Lets see, my sheet today says to thank him for being a hard worker in his career. Well this is hard because I just feel so negatively toward him in general. My first thought is 'Blah! he works part time, he doesn't work nearly as hard at ANYTHING than I do. I don't feel like complimenting him for being a lazy butt.' I feel very negatively toward him.. I feel like I take care of everything. I support him while he's going to school. He's only taking one class this symester.. he works 24 hours a week. The money he makes helps us to live comfortably. I can afford to support myself, he can't. Maybe I'm just a negative person.. I used to think very positively about him. I used to look up to him and put him on a very shiny pedestal and I thought he was the greatest, most supportive person in the world. Then the more it came down to where he needed to take care of some things and show his true support for me, he did nothing. I stepped up and did more and did everything to get us into the good situation we're in now. He did nothing. He's still a college student and he's still being taken care of. He is not responsible. I really think that living on his own would help him to learn responsibility. His attitude is not one of industriousness. It's one of.. well.. I'll do it later - I want to rest right now. And then it doesn't get done until I do it or until its absolutely nessisary and maybe not even then! (Eg he currently has an erroneous invoice that has been sent to collections because he hasn't gotten it cleared up for months and months) So I'm supposed to be ok with this behavior? Not even that, I'm supposed to praise him for this behavior!
Bleh this sucks.
I don't feel positive right now. Maybe I'll try again later.
- Edit 1/23/09 -
Well this day is about working hard and responsibility is kind of a sore spot for me. He's not as responsible as I would like. I am working on trying to let go of the small things and let him do whatever he wants with things that are his repsonsibility. But I don't really think this is a subject I can really honestly praise him on without stretching it ot lying. So I think I might have to just let this one pass and move on to the next day.
Well, he does make it to work on time and hasn't called in sick or anything retarded like that. He takes his job pretty seriously and that is nice. His job allows us to live reasonably comfortably and that is nice too. I'm such a penny pincher, he has to push me to buy fun things for myself. The entire time I've been working, I've always been saving up to take trips to see him or save for our wedding or save to get a deposit for my apartment or ect ect. Now that he is working too, we are able to set aside savings money and still have a couple hundred for each of us to spend on ourselves. I still am a bit uptight about money but I'm much more relaxed than I used to be. We are doing well.
(Comments)
Operation: Respect Your Husband - Day 3
posted at 06:55 pm on 01-15-2009
Well I am kind of loathe to write today because I am not feeling particularly chipper today. My husband didn't really do anything, though. He had friends over the house last night and we all went out to a shopping center and wandered around. I pretty much disassociated myself from the whole thing because I didn't feel like being sociable so I was kind of just wandering around and staring at things. I was also easily irritated by rythms like my husband wiggling his leg or tapping a beat on the table at the restaurant we went to. I felt kind of like it was contrasting my own internal rhythm (even though I can't name that rhythm) and I didn't want anything to contrast it. He was pretty patient with me, though. He didn't get annoyed, just kept taking my hand and leading me around since I wasn't paying attention.
So I wasn't the best of hostesses yesterday but I think I did alright with the negativity. I made a comment to his friend that I shouldn't have said, though. The friend was cleaning my kitchen and my husband is a bit of a pig so I said jokingly to the friend "Why didn't I marry you!?!" the friend took it as a joke and my husband didn't hear but I still feel like it violates my program here. I forgot to thank him for helping around the house, too. I did tell him this morning though. It was hard to spit out something sweet when I am not happy but I think I did ok and I don't think he knows I am sad.
I felt really bad last night because it is one of those times that I really want.. ahem.. 'some lovin'? But it depresses me a lot because I've gotten to the point that I don't even like him enough to want him to touch me. I want some.. but I don't want him. Even if I did, he probably would say no, if he didn't say no, it would be brief and unsatisfying and another month until it happened again. I'm so disapointed with this aspect of our lives. I've been waiting my whole life, looking foward to the time where I could finally let loose with a man who is preferrably my equal in terms of appetite and desires. He is none of those things. I am young and decent looking and I don't want to rot the rest of my life crying myself to sleep while he plays games with his friends in the livingroom and doesn't give intimacy a second (or first) thought.
Ah well, I'm going to try to tough it out a bit longer and hope that I can improve things with this program of 'respect'. I don't see how that will change his attitude towards intimacy, but its all I have.
My paper today says to thank him for being considerate of my needs. So I guess I can thank him for being patient with me last night when I was spacing out.
I wonder if taking about my problems on here counts as speaking negatively about him to others? I kind of just use it as an outlet to express my feelings but maybe the whole purpose of this program is to force you not to think negative things but to replace them with good and make you like your partner more?
- Edit 1/23/09 -
Ok so today's topic is 'noticing my needs and being considerate.' Well I guess he tries, I can give him that. He doesn't really understand me (or women at all, although I am not a high maintenence one). He buys me chocolates, he refills my drinks when I ask him to so I don't have to get up. The other day he brought something to me at work that I had forgotten at home when I asked him to. I'm not sure if that's really 'noticing' my needs? Hm.. let's think here. How does he notice my needs? Well like I mentioned above, he often keeps an eye on me when we are in a place with crowds because he knows I get easily destracted or pushed aside by others (I'm bad at crowd navigation). There was an occiasion recently where he specifically sat in the seat that was next to a strange woman in a waiting room so that I could sit next to him and didn't have to be next to her. That was nice, he thought about how I hate sitting next to strangers.
(Comments)
Operation: Respect Your Husband - Day 2
posted at 12:52 pm on 01-14-2009
Well, no complaints so far. I think my biggest problem is just saying things that 'don't need to be said' for example mentioning something that he needs to do that he already knows about and is doing. I kind of just make statements that aren't meant to be offensive, just an observation or something that a normal person might consider 'obvious.' I pretty much just say what is on my mind. He seems to take small offense at some of those things, like I am trying to tell him what to do. He will be like 'I know, I'm going to do it' a bit snappily. My intention is not to be bossy. I need to learn to turn off those sorts of statements.
Also, I already started doing what I mentioned at the outset. I am always one way or another. If I am trying to be nice to him I will try to do everything that I can for him and baby him. I need to remind myself of what I wrote in my overview - this is not about doing nice things for him. This is about respecting him ONLY. Not saying negative things about him and complimenting him more often, looking for the positive. That is all. If I start babying him again I'm just going to burn out again. Asking him to help out is not 'saying something negative' as long as I pay attention to how I say it. I don't need to make myself his slave I just need to treat him with dignity and that does not equal putting myself down.
I have to remind myself of that because of my black-and-white thinking: Putting him first = putting myself down. I can only please one of us. But that is not true. I need to try to find a balance.
My sheet today says that I should thank him for something he does around the house. I know he's picking up the house a bit today so his friends can come today so I need to remember to genuinely thank him for doing so and tell him that I appreciate it when he helps out.
I did remember to give him a hug and a 'good morning' this morning. He was sleepy so didn't respond much but I think he appreciated it.
- Edit 1/22/09 -
This day's subject is 'things done around the house.' Well he often picks up around the house for me when someone is coming over and I am not home to do so. He often cleans up the kitchen and he used to wash the dishes a lot before we got our dishwasher. He feeds the dog quite often, too. Just this past Sunday he vaccumed the livingroom which is great, it really needed to be done badly. He also picked up the kitchen and even ran the dishwasher on his own yesterday. I don't bother him about the messes he makes in the bedroom, but about once a month he will clean up his stuff in there really well. We have a very small yard but he has helped me to prune and rake the grass. He took care of all the measuring and ect this weekend when we bought some decorative mirrors. He has back and neck problems and he does all these things even though they cause him pain. I don't have chronic pain so I tend to forget that it is an issue for him. I need to try to remember this.
(Comments)
Operation: Respect Your Husband - Day 1
posted at 02:28 pm on 01-13-2009
Well, even though today is Day 1, I started trying to be more positive last night. I didn't do very well. I refrained from saying some things I would have said otherwise but there were still things that came out of my mouth without thinking that weren't entirely positive.
I need to curb my urge to 'correct' him. I like things to be accurate and so I often correct things that someone might say that is a little bit 'off'. I did it a couple of times last night. That's not encouraging or supportive so I'm going to have to work on it.
I did do some positive things, though - I specifically thanked him for something that he did for me and he seemed to appreciate that. All in all it was a pretty good night.
I can say though, that I feel much better taking an active role in this. It feels better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself and waiting for him to change. It gives me something else to focus on other than his shortcomings.
As for today - my daily sheet says to tell him today that you are glad you are together and to thank him for choosing you so I sent him an email that thanked him for being with me, I am glad we are married, and I love him. I was going to say something about how times have been difficult and thanks for sticking with me but I realized that this is a negative statement and will probably cause him to remember the difficulties we've been having. So I decided to keep it short and sweet. I need to remember to say it to his face later today. Also my sheet told me to do something sweet when you first wake up this morning but I didn't read it until right now so I will need to remember to do that tomorrow morning. I think a hug, a kiss, and a 'Good morning, love' should suffice.
Seems good so far :)
Mid-day Update:
I talked to the husband during lunch like usual. He said that he got my email and it make him feel very happy and "warm and fuzzy." He said that he often feels like I wish I wasn't with him and I can admit that often that is true (although I didn't say that to him, of course). But looking at him in a more positive light should help me to improve my opinion of him and help him to feel happier about being nice to me.
I am afraid that I'm going to end up raising my opinion of him only to have it come crashing down again the next time he calls me a bitch or tells me to shut up or acts very selfish as he often does. How do I deal with that disapointment without ruining my 'be supportive' plan?
- Edit 1/22/09 -
Well reading the above paragraph, I think that is probably part of what happened. I was ok with complimenting him when things were going ok but once we started to fight, I didn't feel like it anymore. But there's more to it then that and I'm going to work on my attitude.
So this day's subject was to tell him you are glad you are together. So I need to think of reasons why I am glad to be with him. Well, I like my apartment that I live in and my puppy and all of the fun electronics that he buys and I wouldn't have those things if I wasn't with him. So that's good. I like to have his company when I need to go shopping or something else that isn't so fun. He gives me someone to talk to.. true, he's not really great at offering advice or holding a stimulating conveersation, but it's still nice companionship. He helps me out sometimes when I need something, if I was alone I wouldn't have anyone to do favors for me. The experience and memories of loving him is a really great experience to have. At the beginning, our love and connection was very strong. I would like to have that again, but even so it was a good part of my life. Him having a supplemental income is heling us to be able to live comfortably and save for a house. actually, being with him really gives me goals for my life. Sure it's very difficult, but striving to be closer to him gives me something to focus on. If I wasn't with him, I might have less pain but I would be much more complacent. Working to be with him is what gave me the incentive to become self-sufficient at all. I've come a long way in progressing myself and it was all at the incentive of being with him. I am very comfortable with him and I rarely am close or comfortable with anyone. It seems like many of these things are in the past. So.. why am I glad that we are together now? It's hard to think of a reason why I need to be with him.. I think I'd do Ok on my own. So I guess the reason I am glad to be with him now is because we still have time to make things better. It's not over yet and I am glad about that.
(Comments)
Operation: Respect Your Husband - OVERVIEW
posted at 06:02 pm on 01-12-2009
Ok here's the deal. I decided that I can't sit around and expect him to change, I should be the wife I'm supposed to be regardless of how he treats me. So I am going to do my best to start 'respecting' him. The things that I have read say that if you treat him better, he will treat you better in return so of course I am hoping for that. But perhaps even if that doesn't happen, maybe I will still be happier knowing that I am doing the right thing.
I've always had a problem knowing what that word means. I looked into it a bit today and it seems like basically the way that you respect your husband is by complimenting him and not talking negatively to or about him. So I'm going to really try my best to do this for at least a month and see how it works out. I have a hard time realizing what consitutes negativity and censoring my speach but I'm going to try!
I'm going to have to try really hard to find things to compliment about him.
I'm also going to have to try hard to keep myself from being a doormat. I tend to push away anything that I think or want to do and cater to everything that he wants to do and that is not the same as what I am trying to accomplish here.
Remember that.
I can still do things that I like to do, I don't have to put away all my interests. I'm just going to work on being more encouraging, that is all.
Tomorrow is day 1. Wish me luck!
(Comments)
|
|
| |
| |
|
|
|
